Probably she does believe her own bullshit. Cheaters typically employ mind-boggling mental gymnastics in order to give themselves permission to behave in ways they KNOW to be wrong. They have to think of themselves as otherwise good people who just got caught in a bad situation. These are people who are acting in ways which do NOT agree with their own value system in many cases. Hence, the clear delineation between those WS who are remorseful and those who are not. For the unremorseful WS, the self-pity is real because they see themselves as victims of circumstance.
I feel like this is the case. Although she expresses that she is horrible and cannot believe what she is doing, she doesn't stop AND she's seeking validation for why she did it.
You mentioned a few pages back that you were planning to look at apartments. If you have the money in your budget, you might consider "nesting". To do that, you'd rent a small place and split time in the family home during the separation. You might switch every three days or so.
I have been and a friend of mine actually suggested exactly this. This might be great. It's expensive, but might allow us to maintain our sanity.
There are upsides and downsides. On the upside, it would make NC much more practical. This could add tremendously to your healing. On the down side, it is a bit of an expense and cheaters typically utilize their free time to explore their affair. I would certainly put a rule in place that the OM is NOT allowed in the apartment and I'd put security cameras in place to make sure of it.
True on all counts.
I'm not going to give you advice on this. It's going to be a very hard situation no matter what you decide. I just wanted to point out the option.
You did a wonderful job with your letter, so kudos for that. And clearly, you've got a good head on your shoulders. Trust that you're going to get through all this and that you and your children will be alright.
Strength to you.
Thanks, I had help with the letter. Shit, everyone here is helping me, thank you all.
The way I see it, she’s justifying her affair because " she’s not happy with the marriage, so if you address her list of grievances, the A will go away.". Of course this is bull, she has a wayward attitude through and through. She’s like a drowning woman who will hang to anything.
She will go have a relationship with her AP, but everybody here on SI as well as you know how this will end.
That's clearly what it is. I feel very strongly that the fact that when she was talking about therapy she didn't mention the douche bag and what happens with him indicates something. I had to ask specifically about that.
Some people think it’s a great idea to take a selfie in front of an incoming train. The adults in the crowd know that such ideas tend to end: with a splash.
Yup.
For your healing, I suggest the following: "the opposite of love is indifference". She can say anything, do anything she wants but you don’t care. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Your new motto: not my problem
Continue with D, take care of your children, and everyday will be a little bit better than the last
Thanks, this is where my mind is set.
Guilty for getting caught and ashamed, yes on both counts?
Really???? Not guilty enough to stop going to fuck him even after being caught though, right???
True - I'm trying to explain her crying and such. Clearly something is bothering her.
You need to go grey rock cold on her, period. If the conversation does not involve kids end it.
I'm really trying to.
And if you can't get going on separation because of finances do not spend money on therapists. until you get her gone you are wasting your money.
Yeah, I'm not doing the therapist thing yet. I might down the road. I have to get my shit in order first.
The thing that stuck out to me the most was her "one list away" comment.
Clearly your WW is not rational. If she really thought the two of you could fix the issues in your M with a list, she might be insane. That is a totally ridiculous statement.
Right? I was dumbfounded by that. I still am.
Congrats on standing up for yourself. You were right to turn her away. You've made your decision and you are working towards your plan. She made HER decision earlier.
I would suggest that you not hold back in telling your kids that your WW's actions were wrong and broke your M vows. She made promises that she did not keep. You are not able to forgive her because she hasn't done anything to show that she is sorry or willing to stop and change her actions.
Saturday we are going to tell them that mom and dad are getting a divorce because mom has fallen in love with someone else. Not too much detail. Of course they could ask questions, but I don't know how it's going to go.
