SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I met my WW on online dating (I refuse to use that OLD acronym...bleh!). It was a relief to be out of the dating pool TBH...now the thought of going back into it is simply exhausting. I do feel like the good ones are already taken and it's now the leftovers. And that means I'm a leftover...

I recently reactivated a profile, and I still see people that I remember from 6 years ago. Makes me wonder what is wrong with them for still being single. Not all of them can be in the same situation I'm in (as in, they were in a single monogamous relationship this entire time and got cheated on).

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:17 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

I do feel like the good ones are already taken and it's now the leftovers. And that means I'm a leftover...

This is what frightens me the most are the options left at this point. It is usually disordered people and I need that like I need a hole in my head. I won't be tipping my toe in for quite some time. I feel safe alone.

I feel safe alone.

More power to you then. People (WW is a good example) mistake being alone must mean you're lonely. I'm an introvert and like my alone time. My mom was the same way (her brother on the other hand would go mad being in his room by himself).

WW felt lonely if I was in the other room not paying attention to her. While I do miss our routines and having another heartbeat in the house (a reason why I adopted my new kitten a few months back), I do have a little relief being by myself. The only eggshell I'll be walking on will be ones I break in the kitchen.

And on what I said about my worry being a leftover, I'm still young (32) so I know some people will scoff at me thinking like that. My heart goes out to the older members here, who spent a lifetime with the people that betrayed them.

I still see people that I remember from 6 years ago. Makes me wonder what is wrong with them for still being single.

I'm a retired senior who occasionally ventures online, and at this age I often wonder if the really old profiles have just died and nobody has the password to take them down...

FWIW I've learned to love being alone. Acceptance is everything.

OTOH I did have a totally amazing random fling with a lovely human 20 years younger this summer (met in real life, not online), so never say never!

[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:03 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

Lol, well, these profiles I was thinking of had recent logins, so not dead yet.

I wish online dating had been around when I was young! I was shy, useless at both parties and flirting and never went out to the sort of places where I might meet partners. I'm sure I'd have pent a lot less time wishing I could meet someone if I'd been able to avoid the real-life meeting options that were so lacking and so difficult for me, and do it online instead!

I realize that the online world results in many more disappointments than successes and I'm sure that's horrible. But nonetheless there ARE successes. Within my limited social circle, I am acquainted with one happy retired married couple who met online. And I have a divorced relative who cautiously took the plunge and met a man who sounds lovely and just right for her. They've been together for almost a year. From before the online dating era, I have at least four sets of friends/relatives whose long, happy marriages originated from meetings via newspaper adverts,.. computer dating and a marriage bureau.

Sometimes, Fate needs a push. So don't give up! But don't waste time on people who mess you about, or about whom you have doubts.

Having ssaid that, I think the volunteer paramedic option may well prove even more fruitful. You may not find MS. Right in an ambulance, but you will meet lovely, kind people who will all have families and friendship groups which may well include her! So do participate in any social opportunities there and, if necessary, consider creating them yourself.

I wish you success and eventual happiness. :-)

I look at "ghosting" as a blessing in disguise. Sure it sucks when your feelings aren't reciprocated, but it's a HUGE time saver for you. If the ghosting is fueled by an aversion to uncomfortable conversations (my personal theory), well they sure as hell ain't gonna be good with communication in a relationship, and they just proved it. Boom! Just saved you untold time and heartache pursuing, developing, and maintaining a relationship that will ultimately fail.

My humble advice is to "Next" those people! Your valuable time can now be spent on more worthy candidates that can treat you with respect and have genuine interest (they ARE out there, I promise!).

I wish I had profound words of wisdom but I offer an understanding hand. Ghosting does not make sense because you are left confused and hurt. A simple: I'm not interested, I don't feel like it's going to work, I can't do this right now in my life, will do just fine. In your case she sent mixed signals.

I would wager to say she likes the attention but doesn't want all that comes with it. I have met quite a few people like that and instead of being honest, they avoid and dismiss. They reach out when they need attention and avoid when they're busy with events or others. I know this probably doesn't help and definitely doesn't feel good.

I can tell you this. In my experience with ghosting, I had to get to a place where I stopped wondering and asking the "why" questions because truthfully, you'll drive yourself a little crazy. You deserve a person who will have the integrity and honesty to let you know the truth even if that truth stings. Find that place where you say to yourself, "I deserve so much better" and let the experience go. I know it can be difficult but ultimately, she's not a person you would want to invest your heart in. She clearly would not cherish it.

Next person you find start with friendship and see if it builds from there. I'm finding that friendships matter most in this world and if a friend is on board to explore more, it might be a beautiful thing that grows with a solid foundation. And if it doesn't grow, you have a wonderful friend who means the world to you.

[This message edited by Hutch at 6:50 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Having ssaid that, I think the volunteer paramedic option may well prove even more fruitful. You may not find MS. Right in an ambulance, but you will meet lovely, kind people who will all have families and friendship groups which may well include her! So do participate in any social opportunities there and, if necessary, consider creating them yourself.

If you think SI folks have relationship issues, you haven't met nurses/EMS folk...

Generally good people though.

Just a general update.

I'm good. Had a 3-5 day pity party...got over it.

Still not looking to date though. I'm just going to do me for a while again.

Thanks y'all!

Staying on the original topic...

People always say it is a numbers game...I went on my first match coffee date last Saturday. While he was not in my top 25, he was nice. There was no real interest on his side either as was obvious at the end, so all good. It literally was my first date w a stranger since probably the age of 23 and while he liked my profile first, I suggested coffee. And he immediately said yes.

My question. Do you think some men/women will just literally like dozens/dozens/dozens of profiles just to see what sticks and if they get a response? No matter if they are realllly that interested?

Yes, I’ve read the tips about sending messages that actually show u read their profile vs. just the passive “hi”. Or the obvious cut/paste message that says nothing. I don’t respond to those at all-or at least at this point no one has interested me enough to do so.

My question. Do you think some men/women will just literally like dozens/dozens/dozens of profiles just to see what sticks and if they get a response? No matter if they are realllly that interested?

Yes! I dated a much younger man and he told me that a lot of men swipe right on everything just to see who swipes right back and just pick from that pool

It isn't that surprising. Most women expect the man to make the first move.

In the 2-3 years of using online dating before meeting WW, I never had a woman initiate anything more substantial than a "hi" or "I like your picture". Writing dozens/hundreds of hand crafted introductions is time consuming and gets frustrating after a while when they're not even acknowledged.

IMO the worst profiles are the ones who say "I can't see likes. Send me more than "hi"". It's kinda online dating cake eating lol, because you usually need to pay to see likes, and it takes time to craft unique introductions.

I wonder, ladies, do you see men's profiles that say that?

I'm just going to do me for a while again.

And I hope that also means doing some of that frivolity thing. I mean - your "new hobby" is doing EMS stuff. (Toootally lighthearted right there.)

Give yourself the green light to define this time as you'd like - you know - spoil yourself a bit.

I don't think all the good ones are taken. I think many good ones got discouraged or are not confident to reach out. Many are wary and don't want to get burned.

Ghosting is rude. they should get negative points for that. You survived a N spouse, you don't need any more negativity.

Worn

I believe the right person will leave you no doubts as to how they feel. And as you step up in their life, they will be right there with you...and they will genuinely want to be with you.

Your volunteer work is impressive. Wow!

PS There are yoga classes for first responders...and most of them are no financial cost to the first responder.

And lots of single women go to yoga studios. Also I like classes at libraries, nice coffee shops , fun events etc. At worst you might learn something or have fun. At best you could meet the love of your life :)

And Simplicity....your me time sounds like fun. You just gave me great ideas.

SI SPA DAY

I've been ghosted before... More than once. It really sucks

One of the guys that ghosted me came back a month later and wanted to date again. NO WAY. Fool me once..

When I finally met the guy that was really into me and I was into him, it was obvious to both of us.

Don't give up. In my experience, I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince.

Who does that?

She obviously is very immature. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

If I were you, I would find an activity that I like (mine is local music) and go enjoy yourself. You'll meet new friends and your world will open up.

It's not you, it's them...

People generally suck. Granted there are piles of people like you out there, likely saying the same thing. So I guess, you’ve survived infidelity so you can survive anything. And ghosted? Well that’s just fancy talk for NC. If someone sends you the NC message be pissed but let that anger change to gratefulness as luckily they didn’t waste any more of your time. I wish my WH had just ghosted me instead of having an affair and then giving me years of false R. And yeah I know, comparing a half eaten sandwich you found in the trash to a full blown shit sandwich isn’t very great...but the good news is these people have done you the favor of not having any more of your time wasted at least.

I agree that ghosting can be repurposed as a decree to stop wasting each other's time, but am I completely wrong in thinking that this is peak chickenshit behavior? What happened to polite excuses? What happened to frank put downs which indignantly incorporate the word "dude" if the other person can't take a hint? Seems lazy and cowardly and I'm curious how this behavior became so ubiquitous-at least as far as I can tell from others' anecdotes, I have yet to dabble in the telephonic meat market.