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Weird Question

AlphaSilvr posted 12/17/2019 00:30 AM

I'll get right to the point:

I caught my son looking at pornography. This is the second time and this time he purposely disobeyed my house rule of no pornography. He is 11 and its the age I started to look and it messed me up so I have issues with it myself.

Anyway, I decided to ask the XWW about whether she was of the same mind so we could work together if so. Turns out she not only doesn't have a problem with him looking at porn but her and her Fiance have actually provided him with some magazines to look at.

We agreed to go our separate ways.

Its dawned on me exactly what she said...

So do I let DHS know (there is already a case open) or do I let it go? Thoughts?

devotedman posted 12/17/2019 01:32 AM

As someone who was groomed and abused by my mother, I'd report it.

As a parent I'd be very wary of letting a United States Department of Human Services even know that I had a child, but States do vary on how kid-grabby they are.

On the other hand, teachers and some others are mandatory reporters, so if DHS finds out about it, and that you knew about it and didn't report, well, that wouldn't look very clean-hands to the court, would it?

Safest route sounds like reporting it, to me anyway.

landclark posted 12/17/2019 06:43 AM

11 is way too young for that. If there’s already a case open, yes, I would let them know.

WTH is his mother thinking?!?

WhoTheBleep posted 12/17/2019 08:49 AM

Agree! Tell them! And her fiance is in on it? WTF is wrong with people?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:49 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Incarnate posted 12/17/2019 09:55 AM

Maybe I'm a little lax or liberal or whatever about it, but frankly, I do not really see a huge problem with pornography. I understand that it can become an addiction if one is unable to control it or be responsible with its use, and 11 is might young, but... I was about that age when I saw it for the first time, I was SUPER interested (I hit puberty very young) and now, I don't really use it all that much or inappropriately. I don't see it as a moral failing or as cheating.

However, I DO believe that there should be a very candid conversation with XWW and her fiance that you are incredibly uncomfortable with it, and I agree, 11 is pretty young for it. I don't know that it qualifies for a DHS report... that seems a little extreme to me. However, if there is already an active DHS case, this could definitely complicate things. That might be something to bring up, like, "How do you think the DHS would feel about this? I don't think this is okay."

It's a rough situation, to be sure.

AlphaSilvr posted 12/17/2019 11:17 AM

Thank you, all.

I agree that its one thing if he is doing it himself and hiding it, but his mom is providing him material and is aware of it.

I called DHS as I talked to a mandatory reporter about it. The lady I talked to with DHS said it would be taken in as supplying a minor with obscene material.

EDIT: I agree, Incarnate, it can lead to problems with him being so young (my own experience taught me that) but as an adult I have very little issues with it. The search history I went through to see his actions is disgusting and gross, especially for an 11 year old (Defecating porn being one of his go to searches).

[This message edited by AlphaSilvr at 11:20 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

pinkpggy posted 12/17/2019 12:03 PM

I have a son and I would FLIP MY LID in that scenario. What mother and man would provide that to their child?

Also I have had SO many conversations about the body/body parts/functions and that NO ONE but mother/father/Dr (with parents there) should be discussuing that. I cannot believe a fiance would be part of that.

EvenKeel posted 12/17/2019 12:49 PM

He is 11 and its the age I started to look and it messed me up so I have issues with it myself.
I know you have already reported this and have spoken with your ex, etc. What a mess.

Anyhoo - please keep the dialogue going with you DS. Make this about educating him about your concerns, etc. As well as reassuring him that his interest is natural, etc. Like it or not, you are part of helping him develop a HEALTHY sexual relationship for his future.

Right now he is probably embarrasses and confused (ie Dad says no....but mom is providing access).
His body is starting to change, he is fighting hormones that are getting ready to take flight, etc. Poor guy.

I have had a few DS with porn posts on SI during his teen years - I understand my friend.

Hang in there!

humantrampoline posted 12/17/2019 14:32 PM

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Personally, I find their attitude and behavior deeply disturbing, and I'm glad DHS didn't take it lightly. I hope you find a quick and safe resolution.

I also think if most people heard it was an 11 yr old daughter instead of a son, they would be horrified about pedophile grooming. Male children need equal concern.

Rustylife posted 12/17/2019 14:44 PM

11 is way too young. As much as pornography has been normalised and destigmatized, the actual industry is highly predatory and manipulative.

Also, so many young folks( boys especially), consume porn excessively and it totally warps their views on what sex and intimacy is supposed to feel like. When the "vanilla" stuff stops being exciting enough, there are some truly dangerous practices that porn promotes and depicts as normal. I would put a stop to this immediately if I were you.

Adlham posted 12/17/2019 14:52 PM

I'm very glad to see you reported it.

Like DevotedMan (fistbump, my friend!), I, too, was groomed from a very young age by my mother's husband.

It started with him leaving penthouse and hustler around the house when I was quite young. Eventually, it led to a whole lot of other things that deprived me of a childhood. It ended when I treated to kill him with a fireplace poker if he ever came near me again.

Trust me when I say this is not a good way to grow up. It took many, many years for me to heal and be healthy enough to have a real grown up relationship with a good man instead of all those useless assholes I wasted years on.

Braveyogi posted 12/17/2019 16:13 PM

I have an 11 year old son and would also feel very distressed if I knew he was viewing porn; however, he and his friends are internet savvy and the chance that he will be exposed to porn sometime soon - if not already - seems highly likely. My stance is to learn to become a proactive (rather than reactive) parent and provide education about human sexuality in general and porn in particular. The NYTimes has some wonderfully thoughtful articles on this very subject - a google search can point you there. I would encourage you to look at this as an opportunity to connect with your son over some very sensitive and very important pieces of information and listen to what he has to say. You do get to share your opinion and values, why you are concerned about his viewing, and most importantly, arm him with information and skills of critical thinking to help guide him with this, and other, life choices.

Other posters have discussed grooming by predators, which is a horrible reality (I was abused myself by a teacher and a stranger), and it underscores the need for kids to be educated (at developmentally appropriate levels) on human sexuality, including respect for their bodies, others' bodies, good/bad touching, etc. NOT talking about these things can bring up tremendous shame and confusion. Best wishes to you on this.

[This message edited by Braveyogi at 4:18 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Justsomelady posted 12/17/2019 18:12 PM

That is terrible and way too young. I have a problem with porn - esp for children! That is abusive. Look up Rav Gavrieli’s ted talk on it and maybe discuss w your son. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable w your kid acting in a porn, you probably shouldn’t be watching porn imho.

And I would talk to the lawyer about options and what sort of reporting.

And for them to actually provide it? That is some gross emotional incest right there.

Makes me think of my friend’s little sister always havin their weird mom encourage her to have nights w boyfriend over at 15 and the mom would disappear for the night. Of course never discussed w the boys parents.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:30 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

AlphaSilvr posted 12/18/2019 10:01 AM

The DHS worker already talked to my son yesterday and myself.

She talked to my X today as I got a message from her saying I should have talked to her and been honest. I have tried to talk to her for 16 years while married and for the last year as exes, but she has to have it her way. I am tired of it, so I am done trying any more than I have to. Now she is caught and is pissed.

I also expect retaliation of some sort, but it will be what it will be. I keep trying to focus on my boy's future and that this hopefully spares them a horrible childhood.

humantrampoline posted 12/18/2019 11:02 AM

I think you handled it the best way you could. How can you reach a reasonable co-parenting compromise with someone who thinks it's good parenting to allow their fiance to give their 11 yr old porn? I like EvenKeel's suggestion of keeping an open and healthy dialogue with DS on the subject going forward.

Justsomelady posted 12/18/2019 21:08 PM

You did the right thing. Your son doesn’t need that kind of “intervention” from adults to initiate him into sexuality at 11.

Agreed w others about dialogue w your son about this, what your values are, looking for how to live those values and calling out examples of things you may see in the media that are similarly harmful.

And I didn’t think of it but that is a good point from the poster about grooming. That fiancé is so totally out of line it may well be something he was trying. Inappropriate boundaries either way.

MakingMyFuture posted 12/19/2019 07:37 AM

I am staying this as an adult you is not anti porn (time and place for everything), a person who was abused and exposed to too much at an early age myself, and a trusted leader in the cyber security space

1.implement internet blocking/filtering software at your house ASAP. You can’t click everything but you can filter what’s available in your home and if you own/pay for the device you can have some. Measure of control no matter where that device goes. The x won’t. But at least your home is safe, potentially your child primary device is safe and the exposure is limited to a magazine or something. The internet Is a
Pool of porn and that is the big exposure risk...and more importantly the moms encouragement-providing. It is not like when there were just magazines...the internet changes everything and he will build a ‘resistance’ or inability to be excited by normal if this continues and it will escalate (already seeing that with his search history...tack five or 10 years on that and what will it take to interest him?)

2. You have two choices....report it to child protective services or, create a paper trail for child protective services. I was in almost the same scenario a few years ago and it’s considered child abuse——the content from my x was sickening but my kids were accidentally exposed to it by x (kind of hard to miss— pretty much means they can’t touch anything electronic or open a closet)

I was told that Ii should report it to CPS but all they would do is give a WARNING ...but then there would be a paper trail so that if there were another incident there was a history.

My x is a socio and he only has visitation 4 days a month so I went another route so I wouldn’t anger him and have him actually push for more custody time that he was legally entitled to but had given up on purpose (because he is passive aggressive and would have taken an “Ill show you approach”). I sent him an email detailing out what the kids were exposed to and that they were not to touch any of his electronics or be exposed to his shit and why and that if it happened again I would report him. That way there was an electronic paper trail. If you go this route include the details of her admitting providing it.

In my situation It worked/didn’t work. He dialed it back, My kids are good but Have issues too and I know much of it had to do with what they were exposed to over the years even during their limited time with D. I try to talk to them transparently about healthy love, respect, sex, and how porn will keep them from being able to enjoy normal sex/relationships when the time is right. I have no idea how much is underground and I’m in Cybersecurity. So instead I try to model healthy to my kids and let them know I’m a safe place to talk, share (aka don’t keep secrets)

FWW, even with the email x DID retaliate by posting a “would be porn if their bra and panties were not on” widely available internet video of barely legal girls licking their teeth and shaking their ass in a camera....and posted it on FB for all the neighbors, parents from my kids school, and my extended family. Just to humiliate me and show me he had power and didn’t care what people thought of him but had the ability to embarrass me or my kids.

I couldn’t report him because he could have gone for more custody and “it was an accident”. You child is ELEVEN and it was INTENTIONAL. if you have shared custody I would talk to an attorney IMMEDIATELY and the police for their advice without reporting names. Based on that info I would likely run not walk to child Protective services and have your child interviewed there or in your home and let them know it’s ok/important to speak the truth because the adults there are impartial and are there specifically to make sure kids needs are met and they are raised well.

Hopefully CPS will at a minimum bitch slap her, as an added bonus possibly require they watch parenting videos on the dangers of porn for young children, and possibly you may end up with more custody. It’s abuse...fuck her. Take whatever steps necessary to protect your child. (And just catching up on important piece...why is there already a case open and If it’s on her then YES). But consult an attorney immediately to know your rights and the potential outcome.. racing out to work but so I couldn’t read all responses but hopefully my experience and knowledge of the “space” helps a bit.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 7:48 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 12/20/2019 11:56 AM

report it now

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