SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, the shit just keeps on coming.

Discovered over the weekend that my addict DD has stolen another credit card. Racked up almost $600 in Uber charges. I'm so fucking angry. I'm angry at my WH. I'm angry at my DD. I'm angry at the universe. I am in bigtime victim/angry woman mode. It's not pretty.

Then today she unfriended me on FB and removed me from find my friends (a clearly communicated condition of WH and I continuing to pay for her cell phone). Then she tells WH she wants to talk, so they have coffee during which she tells him that she wants no further contact with me bc I told some of my friends about her and apparently at least one of them told their kid(s) so apparently 2 things got back to DD: 1: that I thought she was living with her drug dealer (and at the time that I said that I believed that was his role - today, I don't know, but I DO know that she obtained cocaine while at his house more than once) and 2: that I live in fear of the call from the cops telling me she is dead (which is true - still. I pretty much shake all the time in bed - either it's the A, the suicide, or extreme worry and anxiety about my DD. Trauma is a bitch).

So. My knee jerk reaction is anger. I'm a bit calmer now, the hurt is settling in (again). Meanwhile, her darling daddy (aka my WH) can do no wrong. Cheat on her mom? Cool!. Commit suicide? Well, he's still the best daddy ever!

I guess the universe is telling me that I have to learn to cope with the injustices of life. I wish I could stop kicking and screaming.

I am still (all of 60 min later) stuck in the idea of just cutting her completely out of my life. I was already wrestling with the idea of telling her probation officer about the theft (something I told her I would do if she ever stole from me again - turns out at the time we had that talk, she'd already been using this credit card for Uber, and went right back to using it 3 days after that talk, which was in late December). WH is adamantly opposed. We'd kind of agreed to tell her that if she went to inpatient rehab we would not disclose, but that still feels manipulative - there are zero consequences to her stealing from me repeatedly (she's taking my drugs, I learned in Dec she was using my credit card for Lyft, and now in Feb I discover when WH gave her the credit card to pay for her outpatient rehab, she plugged the # into her Uber account). She has no job and still hasn't repaid me for the Lyft rides.

Mind you, about 3 hours ago I learned that my uncle died, after a short illness, but tons of drama. A few years ago, one of his kids announced he was disowning his parents, they were the worst, he never wanted to see them again, etc. His mom (my aunt / dead uncle's wife) was heartbroken and died w/in a few weeks. His dad (my uncle) blamed the kid for her death (as do the other kids/siblings) due to the hearbreak of her own child wanting nothing to do with her. Flash forward a few years, and the kid had never reconciled with his dad. Now the dad is dead, and no one will tell the kid. It's heartbreaking. And a couple of hours later WH tells me that my DD wants nothing to do with me again bc I confided to my friends about what was going on with her/me.

So ladies, I'm in some serious need of positive vibes. I want to just shut down and not feel anything. It's just too fucking much.

Oh - and on Friday I learned that my awesome trauma IC is not (yet) on my new health insurance (tho she told me in Nov she would be). So, I can't see her until she gets on our plan bc I can't afford an out of network IC. WTF?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:58 AM, February 12th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

Dispute the charges with the credit card company. So sorry for the loss of your uncle.

gmc - I PM'd you... Sending hugs your way!

((gmc))

I'm so sorry everything seems to be crashing down on you right now. I'm pissed at your daughter AND your WH right along side of you. I'm also pissed at your friends for talking about your problems with their kids. You need support, not to be the subject of gossip,

For what it's worth, I think YOU are the doing the right thing. I think your DD is taking advantage of the situation. Your WH is playing right into the "need" to be liked/wanted/adored (like all WSes) by coddling her. It's an entirely unhealthy scenario that will not end well.

Perhaps the universe threw this all at you because the lessons you learn are similar. You cannot control someone else. You need to set boundaries. You need to take care of YOURSELF.

You can love your DD in the best way by setting those boundaries. And because you and WH are separated, you are able to do that for yourself in a much more defined way.

I can't imagine how hard this is. Having the trauma. The worry. The guilt. It's such a massive weight. But if I know anything about you GMC, it's that you are FUCKING STRONG. You are RESILIENT. You have been knocked down in the past three years more than most could imagine, yet you continue to work and learn and grow beautiful things from the shit that has been thrown at you. You may feel like a victim, but holy RASHWANDA, you are a fucking WARRIOR.

I hope today is better. I'll be thinking of you.

(((gmc94))) I can not imagine what you are going through just sending as many virtual hugs as I can. I view life as a battlefield now wondering when the next land mine is going to blow. You have dealt with so much

Your daughter has no idea how strong and amazing her mother is and it makes me feel sad for you both. You do not and never deserved any of this.

Keep focusing on you since that is the one thing you have control over and I hope that today brings you some peace from the storm. Maybe check into a hotel for the weekend and get some rest from it all? Get some sunshine and fresh air.

I am so sorry.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 10:48 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

(((((((((((((((((((Gmc)))))))))))))))))))

Dealing with adult addicted children is brutal, thankless, and heartbreaking. I am sorry this is happening.

A very good friend’s daughter is an addict. @ 18 she was in a car accident where Her best friend rolled her car while high. The best friend was killed instantly and my friends daughter was in the hospital for months. She has been high and drunk since. 2 years now. She just totalled her new car 2 weeks after she got it. High and drunk again. Nothing seems to help.

I watch my friend struggle.

I will tell you what I tell her. You are a good loving mother. Your daughter is lost in her addiction. Right now she is an asshole. Some day she will come back from where she is now and realize how much you love her. Stay strong. You are doing a great job. Get support, you can’t do this alone. Talk to your trusted friends. Do what you need to survive. Take care of you.

You are managing really tough stuff and if you feel an action is the right thing. It is the right thing.

Your WH is an idiot. Proves that repeatedly.

So my dear wonderful womanz, please take these words and my hug and feel a small bit better.

None of this is easy, you are wonderfully human and normal. This is simply the hardest and most emotional of challenges. You are doing great given the situation.

Hugs

Thanks Ladiez.

Couple of days and I do feel better. I found a book on child estrangement and it is pretty much all the same advice as becoming a BS (focus on you, becoming mindful to stop intrusive thoughts).

It was tough to google this and have everything say this is "one of the worst" things that can happen to a person. Hmmmm. I thought being a BS was "one of the worst" things that can happen to a person.... or finding your spouse hanging from a noose was "one of the worst" things that can happen.... or losing your job (albeit it's planned, but my contract will be over soon) is 'one of the worst' things. I'm wondering just how many "one"s there are!

So, I'm trying to find a positive vibe while listening to this book and all the deja vu of dday - which does help reinforce that I am healing and growing. I'm not triggering like crazy like I was the night I found out. I went through a cycle for a couple of hours,then hit the 1st youtube video that came up from my google search that said to treat yourself with "kindness and compassion". The difference between this and dday was that I was actually able to do it. So I called my WH and told him my thought process - a big leap of vulnerability. It took some probing, but he did the best he could to respond in kind (it was "better" but nowhere near what I need to stay with him). I got a bit frustrated, but was able to practice my Brene Brown "be the container" mantra and try to just listen.

In a weird way, maybe the good news of all of that evening is that I was able to cycle through the feels, then call my WH in my kind/compassion mode, listen, feel frustrated and empty and sad that his best is still so far from what I need, but not let it all get me back into the rabbit hole. My anger is subsiding, and that deep felt hurt is present, but not overwhelming. Managed to go to work the next day and actually focus on what I needed to get done. So, I'm gonna call my reaction a win. For me.

Thanks for the vibes - I really do believe in the power of positive energy, so I am grateful for every good thought sent my way.

Happy FUCKING Valentine's Day ladiez.

GMC- So glad you got some reassurance that you are on the right track with your actions. I think you are, but it's good to get it from "experts" too. :)

I definitely agree that even though this shitshow is all around you, you are reacting in ways that are showing your growth, healing and resilience. What a win to be able to react to your WH in the way you did. Still knowing that you can't control them, and able to manage your reactions in a way that leads to you not spiraling down into a rabbit hole. Yay you!

Ellie, I just showed my WH and my son the Kyle video last night. Still dying. We have decided to name our cat Kyle. He bites. Now we will laugh and say "Fuck off Kyle, don't be a dickhead!" when he bites us.

It's the 23 year anniversary of the day WH and I started dating - and our first kiss. 3 years ago he was deeper into his EA and was on a boys trip texting and calling her after having kissed her once in January - and in two weeks will be making out with her after a drunken "work" dinner. So excited about the next 6 weeks of new firsts that I know now.

We celebrated by getting into a fight last night. I started asking A questions and he told me answers, and I told him that I would never believe him because he is a liar. Then I turned over and ignored him. It wasn't the best, but I think I was reacting to the fact that I was having positive feelings about him yesterday. Whenever I think in a positive way, I almost immediately pick a fight/get mad/remind myself of everything he did so that I will hate him again. It's a lovely cycle. We are getting massages later today and grabbing dinner. Hoping just to feel okay by the end of the night and I'll consider it a win.

I will be toasting y'all tonight. I hope you feel loved, because you are!

Tallgirl Good to see you!!

For them, they don't get triggered by the mention of fidelity or sex.

My WS does, he immediately changes the station when storylines related to infidelity come on.

Happy Valentines ladies!

Hi Tx

I thought I would celebrate today by ordering pizza with the kids. No one wants it. Sigh. Frozen soup it is.

Some one at work asked me how long I have been married for today. I know I looked uncomfortable. I changed the topic. Maybe someday innocent husband or marriage questions won’t send me into a panic.

This big old round fella has been married 25 years and told me that they are going on a great trip to celebrate.

Today life feels a little cruel.

May you have joy today, bottoms up.

I am off for a puppy cuddle. If she will sit still long enough.

It has been a while since I have posted on anything for a while so here is an quick update. My H and I have been working on each other and he is starting to back me up on things and we are doing things together (more quality time) Since we live in a small town activities are limited but that doesn't stop us from having fun. We have found a way to talk about the D without getting mad or upset about it.

Since today is valentines day we are going to celebrate it but with a bowling party with friends and family that are supporting us through this all.

Happy fucking friday ladiez!

I'm having a cocktail (old fashioned with my home made cherry infused bourbon - yum! )

And I'm thinking of you Chaos - TBH, I'd send a PM but I'm at 40 and don't have it in me tonight to clear out some old ones.... so, I hope you have peace today. You deserve it... we all do!

TG - whatsa mattah with them not wanting pizza? Are they human??

gmc - glad you're doing better today!

Cheers lovlies! Honoring Chaos and hoping she's recuperating well!

I live! Still swollen and sore but I live.

The post op Rx helped me get through VD - which is also Donut Whore’s BD. Although I’ve had horrible nightmares of DW stalking me. I know it is the Rx (it always gives be bad dreams whenever I’ve had to take it before) combined with the VD + BD thing. Somehow that rational thought broke through and helped.

I’m currently curled up with cats and watching Schwarzenegger movies 😎

Glad to hear you are On the mend Chaos. 😁🦒

Glad you are doing well Chaos!

Can I just say that every time I see VD, I think venereal disease? I think it's kinda fitting....

Three day weekend here. Was doing ok until last night. Got triggered and went down into the pit of despair. Trying to climb out but it's ruined today so far for sure. Ugh. Fucking infidelity. Such an unfair burden we have to bear.

Assholes.

Chaos, glad to hear everything went OK. Hoping you don't need the meds for long!

And TX, hoping tomorrow is a better day.

How are you, gmc? Been thinking of you and wishing I had your strength. Wow.

Triggered by yucky huge pink flower delivery on V Day, and self-righteous WH email today, to which I couldn't not respond. I tried very hard to get my point across without writing anything that will come back to bite me in court. Probably I wasn't successful and now I'm stressing about that. LAYERS of shitty triggers after a long flat stretch of the roller coaster. Bleah.

You said it, TX. Assholes.

What is it with AP's having a BD on VD????

regarding shows on infidelity, he always changes the channel, but its not to spare my feelings its him avoiding the topic. He's a champion at that.

WH’s AP’s birthday is the day after Valentine’s Day. Much more appropriate, National Sidepiece Day.

Glad you’re doing better, Chaos.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 9:14 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]