((gmc)) I hate that you are having a hard time. I do think there is something to be said for winter blues playing into things. I find that because we are already low, added factors like less sunlight, hormones, etc just wreak havoc on our outlook and mood.
I hate that this is your reality. That it is any of our reality. This whole acceptance is insanely hard. I vacillate between wanting to ignore that life is happening to being extremely pissed off that I am letting the actions of one person dictate the rest of my life and the enjoyment of that life.
I think that even with the "best" of behavior and actions, WSes are just selfish at the core. That's why they don't catch some (or sometimes any) triggers. Their actions were choices. They made them without any pain. So they aren't reminded of pain like we are.
Yesterday, my WH said that his parents mentioned wanting he and his brothers to come up and visit next month (just the boys, not their families). He asked what I thought. I got quiet and said "I support you visiting your parents. March might be hard." (March is when things got sexual with AP) He said "Oh, yeah, I guess kids sports are starting back, and Spring Break...etc." Not a clue that this is affair season. A NEW affair season. Last year, I thought there was one kiss and some phone calls/texts. This year I know they've already been making out in their office and we are just a few weeks away from their sexfest at the conference. I had to explain it to him. They just don't get it. For them, they don't get triggered by the mention of fidelity or sex. It meant so little to them. Even though it destroyed us.
I saw this on Sunday on Instagram. Lysa Tyrkeurst (I think I've mentioned her before. Christian author whose WH cheated for years and is now reconciling with him.) wrote this.
A redefined life can still be good. Really good. And worth celebrating.
I think it’s important to let you know how hard this is... learning to redefine what you thought your life would be.
I still have moments where I cry so hard over what happened that my mindset can easily start to free fall into what I’ve lost. And forget what I’ve gained.
So, I have to make myself stop. And think about the gains. The experiential wisdom. The deeper compassion for and connection with my fellow humans. The way others who know our story feel safe enough to share theirs. All the new ways God has revealed himself to me. And the sweet transparency in my family.
So, I acknowledge the pain that’s still there but I refuse to get swallowed up by it.
Right now can be redefined however we choose... I’m choosing to see it as part of the process leading to more good waiting to be discovered. So, I wipe my tears. I embrace all this new day holds. And I take one more step toward healing
I think there's so much truth in that. No matter what our road ahead is, we have to believe that there is worth in that road. And though we decide which path to take, it's okay to take a while to get to that decision.
EVERY DAY I think I need to end my marriage. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY I also think that I want to save it. It's exhausting. I'm sure you know exactly how that feels. Sending you love and hope for a better today - and some fucking SUNSHINE!!
Dragon - I have not seen anything, but I'm not around much. SMS, we are thinking of you!!
Chaos - Nice to see you. Glad you and Mr. Chaos were able to get out. Hope the surgery is an easy process and that healing is quick. Cheers to the V Day drugs!
Ellie - How's the head doing these days? Migraines still gone? Hope so.
Coco - I saw your post. Glad the command post is off the table. Less push for you to have to deal with any decisions he made (but still entirely fucked up that you were not part of that). Woo hoo on the more yoga jobs. Let us know how the transcription job goes...
Did I tell y'all I got a punching bag? I am thinking of pasting a picture of the whore and WH onto it. I think I will get a nice workout in that way....
[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:38 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]