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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 2/4/2020 10:58 AM

((TX)) I canít imagine having to talk about sex and consent and all that with your kids after this. Luckily had those discussions with the girls a looooong time ago.

DD20 did ask me recently about an issue she was having with the BF (consent related) and it was triggery AF. I had to tell her that while I love that she comes to me, she should know that Iím always going to be a hard ass who draws a really hard line about that, even if itís a remotely grey area, so donít be freaked out if I get loud and defiant about that.

Does putting on pants that you dug from the bottom of your hamper because you wore them long enough ago that everyone at work will just think you washed them and are re-wearing them count? If it doesnít, well, I guess Iíll try again tomorrow

CS, dance parties with the kiddos are the best!! God I fucking miss those days so hard. The girls used to put on little skits and performances in our backyard. I still have a few videos somewhere, need to dig those up. Why do they have to grow up and start being adults?? Adulting is fucking hard, stay a kid!!

crazyblindsided posted 2/4/2020 13:56 PM

(((TX1995))) hope you are feeling better. Sex is highly triggering for me as well. Not sure if that will ever go away after being molested as a kid and a WH who is a NPD and SA. It's all so rotten and unfair

HeHadADoubleLife posted 2/4/2020 16:00 PM

Ok sooooo strange thing just happened. Itís a kind of long story, but today I am basically escorting talent in their wardrobe to various locations. Because of the way the industry works, everyone is on a need to know basis. So because Iím wardrobe, I only need to know who Iím dressing, what Iím dressing them in, and where to meet the car that is driving us. After that, itís transpoís job to get us to where we need to be, and weíre just along for the ride. So, because of that, nobody gave me a schedule of where we were going.


Itís a huge building, so it houses all different sorts of businesses, one of which happens to be entertainment related I guess which is why we were going.

I asked the producer, and luckily we were not going to his floor... but considering it was lunch time, and we were walking in at noon, there was a strong possibility that I could run into him in the lobby.

Not gonna lie I had a pit in my stomach, but I was geared up to face it, because I needed to get the job done.

But, because they were prepared for traffic, we ended up showing up 25 minutes early... so we were just sitting in the car, and my anxiety level was rising.

I tried to come up with a backup plan that I could relay to the producers. But I know the building well. If you do not work there, you are required to check in at the security desk which is smack dab in the middle of the lobby. And there is only one elevator bank to get us up and down. If he were to enter the lobby at the same time, whether coming down from his office, or coming back in from lunch, there is literally no way to avoid it.

So I calmed myself down by saying itís cool, Iím sure theyíve already pre-done the security protocols because thatís typically how these things go, and since his floor is two above the floor weíre going to, as long as we make it through the lobby quickly, thereís no way it will accidentally open up on his floor going up.

Well, they did NOT deal with security beforehand. We were sitting ducks in the lobby for five whole minutes while they got it all sorted out. I was trying to do breathing exercises, while also still tending to the client Iím there for, while also having my head on a swivel to see if heís coming out of any of the hallways, elevators, or through the street entrance. I literally warned the talent that I might hide under her big ball gown sized skirt if necessary.

Once we got in the elevator, we were safe on the floor we were traveling to, because he doesnít have access to that floor. But on the way back down they were having us take the main elevator, so there was literally no way to know if we might run into him. He is on the 14th floor and we were on 12th, he could literally be in the down elevator with us.

We luckily made it back to the car without seeing him. There was a block long walk with about 10 different restaurants he could have been in that we had to take from the building to the parking lot. So I was trying not to panic while also doing surveillance of every single person walking out of each restaurant. The universe was looking out for me today.

Holy fucking shit, I am still coming down from the adrenaline rush of it all. It was pretty damn close to the feeling I had in my gut when I was unlocking the door to my apartment right before I walked in to catch him in bed with her. When does that DANGER response to them go away?

CallingSpades posted 2/4/2020 20:31 PM

OMG HHADL. What a horrible feeling! Hope you're taking some time to take care of yourself tonight.

You don't have to go back there, do you? Wonder if you could quietly let someone know to warn you next time, so you can be prepared mentally.

SpeedBump posted 2/5/2020 01:52 AM

Ahhh (((Tx1995)))

So damn proud of you for picking yourself up and forging ahead. This crap is tough and takes strong womenz to make it thru. You got this!

TX1995 posted 2/5/2020 12:00 PM

Crazy, HHADL and speedbump - Thanks for the support. I love you womenz.

HHADL - Holy crap. *I* was getting an adrenaline rush reading your story. I cannot believe you had that all go down and had to hold it together! You are a freaking rockstar. I think that feeling might not go away for a long time. If perhaps you saw him more often (or had to), it might lessen. But since it's rare, I'd guess it will take quite a while to stop having that reaction. I'm sorry you had to be faced with it at all.

gmc - thanks for the rec on getting the audio. Just got the audible and kindle for basically the same price as buying the audiobook alone. Win!

I got triggered yesterday looking for a file on my computer. I had no idea my iCloud Drive had saved all of my texts and clicked the file. It pissed me off to read the texts from the few months pre-A. WH was telling me he thought he was fat and old and I was trying to build him up, telling him I loved him, etc. Asshole. He really did re-write history and make shit up to justify sleeping with her. All I did was try to build his ass up. I told him I was depressed and needed to see a therapist. He answered saying that he thought he might be depressed too. But I guess his answer was to fuck someone else 4 weeks later. Therapy v cheating on your depressed spouse? WH for the win. Asshole. (I am going through an anger phase today apparently! )

Happy fucking Wednesday Womenz!

EllieKMAS posted 2/5/2020 12:03 PM

I like angry TX

Therapy v cheating on your depressed spouse?
Well shoooot if that's all I needed to do...

Glad you're doing better honey! Me too me too - no headache today!!

TX1995 posted 2/5/2020 14:15 PM

Ellie. I just went back. Thank you for the Kyle suggestion. I am now smiling. Hallelujah on your neck and migraine crap feeling better. Two days in a row!! Hope that trend continues.

And gmc - I remember reading a post from I *think* ISSF about how pivotal that whole forgiving yourself piece is. You are right, what in the actual fuck should WE be having to forgive ourselves for when this whole shitty mess is their fault. Infidelity sucks.

I was reading my emails on my phone earlier and WH walked in the room. He asked why the face (I had an ugly look I guess). I told him that I was looking at the BookBub email that tells you free/cheap ebooks. One was called Infidelity #1 and was a free "romance". He gave me a hug and then asked if I was buying it. (Jokingly of course). I said the whole series of course - after all the reviews said it was "enthralling and brilliant". Yes, infidelity is GREAT entertainment. At least I could laugh about it after the week I've had, right?

CallingSpades posted 2/5/2020 21:07 PM

TX, you could laugh together. That's awesome

EllieKMAS posted 2/6/2020 09:48 AM

TX I kid you not I have probably watched Kyle 100 times in the last week and it just doesn't stop being funny... I guarantee you will now be doing something completely unrelated and will say either "Fuck off Kyle!" (usually in traffic) or "You made me dump all my corn!" (usually at a work email)... it gets in there and won't get out again

Laughter is always good. And being able to laugh even when shit is hitting the fan is a mark of strength I think.

It always reminds me of that scene in the movie 'The Money Pit' when they pour the water into the tub and it falls through the floor and shatters and Tom Hanks just starts doing that ridiculous laugh at it. TBH that is kinda how most of 2019 felt for me

gmc94 posted 2/6/2020 22:04 PM

OMFG , "fuck off kyle" is pretty damn funny. thank you Ellie!

HHADL: holy cow! I'm super proud that you maintained. Tough as it was, you survived a super triggery time.


Therapy v cheating on your depressed spouse?
This is one of "those things" that I'm not sure I'll ever get past. w/in a month of his EA turning PA (albeit that I was clueless about), I begged my WH to see an IC or do MC with me... and he refused. To discover a decade later that he'd been banging his side piece at the time I was begging him to work on his and our stuff leaves me feeling so angry and disrespected. KNOWING you were cheating and still being unwilling to see an IC? In some weird ways, it's worse than the A itself.

Big hugs to everyone!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 2/7/2020 17:49 PM

How are my womenz doing this Friday??

We havenít had a Friday night toast in a while! Itís still a couple of hours until 6, but hereís to you ladies!

gmc94 posted 2/7/2020 18:04 PM

6pm in my zone.

Cheers 🍷🥃🍸🍹🧉🍾🍺🍻

gmc94 posted 2/8/2020 14:41 PM

Ladiez -

I seem to be going through another phase of grief and anger. TBH, a part of me wonders if it's winter blues as much as the normal (whatever the fuck that is) trajectory.

I'm crying more lately. Not the trigger/trauma cries of year 1, but just basic and deep sadness and grieving the M - all over again.

And then there's the anger. I've looked at my WH several times this week and thought some very unkind thoughts. I can feel the contempt in my bones sometimes, tho I think the contempt today is more about the continued head in the sand bullshit attitude than the A itself (it really is true: it's not the A that prompts the D, it's all the bullshit they put us through AFTER dday).

I was looking to buy a house recently, but realized it is premature until I have a grasp on my financial situation when my current job ends this summer AND have a sense of whether we'll need the $ to put DD into inpatient rehab (that is now off the table - if she ultimately decides to do inpatient, we will figure out another way - she can use all of her nest egg for that). So, I'm reluctant to pull the trigger on a house until I am confident I can pay the mortgage w/o any help from WH.

I dunno. I'm just feeling very "down" lately. Didn't help that WS had some minor surgery last week, and yesterday DD came over to help and we then watched the last episodes of "Jane the Virgin" (a series DD turned me on to and I loved - three strong women protaganists is my jam, even with the outrageous plot twists of a telenovella). The final episode was a wedding, and the parties said something like "this ring as a symbol of my LOVE AND FIDELITY". That put me down. Deep down. WH just sat in his armchair, staring straight ahead. No words of remorse. zero empathy. Naery an acknowledgment (even after DD left) that watching that shit is triggery as fuck. Nope. Just stared straight at the damn TV as if he kept his vows... as if he wasn't an adulterer our whole fucking M.

Yes, I know he's not R material. Yes, I know it's my responsibility to get myself out of infidelity.
but damn!

So, is it the long days and crummy winter weather? Or just another dip in the coaster?

DragnHeart posted 2/8/2020 15:41 PM

Hey Ladies

Does anyone know how SisterMilkshake is doing? And if MisterMilkshake is still in the ICU?

Thanks :)

EllieKMAS posted 2/9/2020 12:33 PM

This made me giggle. I remember my xdouche used to text in the morning and I'd say good morning and ask him what was wrong. And he would get all pissy "You can't tell if something is wrong by a text! Nyer Nyer Nyer!" (Think of telling a three year old they are tired and need a nap - v similar reaction). Yeah - I always did fuckin know.

(((gmc))) Just hugs. Sorry you are having a hard spot right now!!

Chaos posted 2/10/2020 08:48 AM

Womenz - been away for a week or so getting my shit together.

Did manage a date night and HHADL is right - we haven't had a Womenz toast in a while. You all had a margarita with me!

I am having outpatient surgery this week. One of my ovaries will be gone as well as a look see at the other one and see what havoc endo has wreaked in my innards even with my uterus gone.

The up side - I will spend the dreaded Feb 14th all sleepy and medicated

gmc94 posted 2/10/2020 21:54 PM

The up side - I will spend the dreaded Feb 14th all sleepy and medicated

Well cheers to THAT!

TX1995 posted 2/11/2020 12:38 PM

((gmc)) I hate that you are having a hard time. I do think there is something to be said for winter blues playing into things. I find that because we are already low, added factors like less sunlight, hormones, etc just wreak havoc on our outlook and mood.

I hate that this is your reality. That it is any of our reality. This whole acceptance is insanely hard. I vacillate between wanting to ignore that life is happening to being extremely pissed off that I am letting the actions of one person dictate the rest of my life and the enjoyment of that life.

I think that even with the "best" of behavior and actions, WSes are just selfish at the core. That's why they don't catch some (or sometimes any) triggers. Their actions were choices. They made them without any pain. So they aren't reminded of pain like we are.

Yesterday, my WH said that his parents mentioned wanting he and his brothers to come up and visit next month (just the boys, not their families). He asked what I thought. I got quiet and said "I support you visiting your parents. March might be hard." (March is when things got sexual with AP) He said "Oh, yeah, I guess kids sports are starting back, and Spring Break...etc." Not a clue that this is affair season. A NEW affair season. Last year, I thought there was one kiss and some phone calls/texts. This year I know they've already been making out in their office and we are just a few weeks away from their sexfest at the conference. I had to explain it to him. They just don't get it. For them, they don't get triggered by the mention of fidelity or sex. It meant so little to them. Even though it destroyed us.

I saw this on Sunday on Instagram. Lysa Tyrkeurst (I think I've mentioned her before. Christian author whose WH cheated for years and is now reconciling with him.) wrote this.

A redefined life can still be good. Really good. And worth celebrating.

I think itís important to let you know how hard this is... learning to redefine what you thought your life would be.

I still have moments where I cry so hard over what happened that my mindset can easily start to free fall into what Iíve lost. And forget what Iíve gained.

So, I have to make myself stop. And think about the gains. The experiential wisdom. The deeper compassion for and connection with my fellow humans. The way others who know our story feel safe enough to share theirs. All the new ways God has revealed himself to me. And the sweet transparency in my family.

So, I acknowledge the pain thatís still there but I refuse to get swallowed up by it.

Right now can be redefined however we choose... Iím choosing to see it as part of the process leading to more good waiting to be discovered. So, I wipe my tears. I embrace all this new day holds. And I take one more step toward healing

I think there's so much truth in that. No matter what our road ahead is, we have to believe that there is worth in that road. And though we decide which path to take, it's okay to take a while to get to that decision.

EVERY DAY I think I need to end my marriage. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY I also think that I want to save it. It's exhausting. I'm sure you know exactly how that feels. Sending you love and hope for a better today - and some fucking SUNSHINE!!

Dragon - I have not seen anything, but I'm not around much. SMS, we are thinking of you!!

Chaos - Nice to see you. Glad you and Mr. Chaos were able to get out. Hope the surgery is an easy process and that healing is quick. Cheers to the V Day drugs!

Ellie - How's the head doing these days? Migraines still gone? Hope so.

Coco - I saw your post. Glad the command post is off the table. Less push for you to have to deal with any decisions he made (but still entirely fucked up that you were not part of that). Woo hoo on the more yoga jobs. Let us know how the transcription job goes...

Did I tell y'all I got a punching bag? I am thinking of pasting a picture of the whore and WH onto it. I think I will get a nice workout in that way....

[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:38 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/11/2020 13:13 PM

Yeah the stay-go ping pong is fucking exhausting. All I can say is have faith and patience and one day you will just wake up and you will KNOW. In the meantime, I would totally put a pic of them on the punching bag and go to town. I love this idea. If I could stomach the sight of either my xwh or the slut, I might consider it too

Ugh sorry Chaos, but being banjoed out of your head for the stupidest day of the year is a definite silver lining to that.

Yup, this.

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