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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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TX1995 posted 1/22/2020 10:21 AM

((HHADL)) I'm am so sorry there is still more out there that is hurting you and that you were triggered. I know that feeling of being only worth the sex. My WH'S actions made me feel the same. It's devastating to your self-esteem. YOU are so much more. I know your daughter's boyfriend has added stress, but just remember that you are a stable, loving figure in her life and are AMAZING for making sure she feels supported.

Blackheart - our first "date" after this last DDay (the trickle truth of sex) was actually fun. We played old school video games at an arcade and then he took me to my favorite restaurant. I hope you guys have fun. Bowling is a good idea. Games are good for not making things too heavy.

GMC - I was (am) totally dependent on my WH too. I am back in school now and we have completed the post-nup. Which helps me feel like I have a little more freedom. However, the kids are a HUGE factor at this point as well. If I hadn't been a SAHM, I might feel differently, but as of now, it's a huge change if. I go back to work FT and am a single parent. We'd survive, but I don't want to throw that wrench into their lives unless I absolutely decide it's the only option. The dissociation is interesting. It's either feeling separate from the world altogether (which is what I experience) or feeling separate from your body. I think your walls are a form of the former. It's what I do too. If you saw me with my husband you would NEVER know that I am emotionally numb most of the time. I do what I need to do, but it's like the smile that doesn't reach your eyes.

Calling Spades

I'm super frustrated. Still no way to contact OBS and I'm getting a little obsessed. After finally deciding to do it I don't want to wait. I see my IC tomorrow and she's probably going to tell me to mind my own damn business.

Yes, she will tell you to leave him alone. My IC said the same. Fuck that. I'm not sure what you have done to try and find the OBS, but I was able to find the OBS' cell phone number so that I could text him after Day 2. It cost me $4.99. With all of the new privacy laws, this stuff could be harder, but honestly, I was able to find out TONS of stuff about OW and OBS with google searches and following connections. I even found out OW had been married before (my WH had no idea, since he didn't bother to ask her any personal questions before she opened her legs.) Interestingly enough she got divorced right after starting work with her current husband. Hmmm.... Anyways, I'm happy to help you out if you having exhausted your resources.

Coco - Oh goodness. After 5 years, I can't believe your H is still making sorry ass excuses as to why he can't see an IC. My WH did that too for a while. Funny how he can rearrange his schedule now to make his weekly appointments, but for the first 2 years he only sporadically saw an IC (Had three different ones and usually went 2x a month, sometimes less.) They make time when they make it a priority. As for this...

Is that normal? If I'm not in contact with someone I love for an extended period, I want to talk to them asap. If I get big news, I want to tell my SO about it asap. It seems very strange to me that my H doesn't want to do that.

No, it's not normal. Especially with that kind of news. If he's not eager to talk to you about this new command opportunity then it just shows where you stand in regards to his decision-making. He avoids saying anything to that he thinks you won't like. To avoid getting in trouble. That's not a partner. It's very wayward behavior. My WH did it too. Instead of being vulnerable and open, he's hiding. Ugh. I'm sorry.

SMS Glad to see you, been thinking about you and your family.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 10:22 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/22/2020 15:00 PM

SMS, how are you?

If I hadn't been a SAHM, I might feel differently, but as of now, it's a huge change if. I go back to work FT and am a single parent. We'd survive, but I don't want to throw that wrench into their lives unless I absolutely decide it's the only option

I told my H on Sunday that if I hadn't been a homeschooling SAHM I would've left immediately. He nodded as if he knew. I don't think I told him that at the time. Maybe I did. I still feel the same. If all my kids were in school, I would be actively looking for a fulltime professional job.

I know we would survive if I left now, but I don't want to just survive. I did that for a long time with my oldest child before I met my H. I was miserable. So, if I have a choice between being miserable and working and being a single parent or being miserable but not having to work so that I can be available for my children, I will choose the latter. I'm not miserable, though. I have my things and I have my friends. I have a life that does not involve my H.

They make time when they make it a priority

Absolutely! I was reminded of when he emailed with the OW back and forth the entire time he was driving back to VA after coming home for a funeral. As soon as he hit that road he let her know he was on his way back to her. It would seem that I am not a priority to him.

Why won't he admit that? Every time I tell him that it's obvious from his behavior, he tells me it's not true. He says he wants to be with me, not just keep the family together. He says divorce never enters his mind. NEVER! Is that even possible?

EllieKMAS posted 1/22/2020 16:19 PM

This kinda sums up my mood this week so far. Hoping for a turn-around!

Sending hugs to all of you. We are all way more betterer than the fuckwarts!

SisterMilkshake posted 1/22/2020 21:52 PM

Thank you all so much for asking how I am, womenz, you are the bestest.

I am so, so sorry that you all are in so much pain, and I have nothing to give right at this moment because I can't even wrap my head around the new horrible, tragic news in our life.

My dear MisterSister right now as we speak is in the ICU. He had severe kidney falilure. Whilst doing tests they have found a malignant mass in his abodomen area and it shows in lymph nodes and lesions. The doctor had on his really sad face. But, we haven't heard from the other doctors yet, not til tomorrow.

I am a mess. I really can't take this. My grandson, although doing well, is still cause for anxiety as he is far from out of the woods. This has been going on with him since 2018. My father died in 12/18. We had a good relationship and I loved him a lot. My dear brother just passed away in October 2019. I can't take it. I am a mess. I am puking and hyperventilating and crying and I LOVE HIM! There is absolutely no asterisk by his name. None. I love him. We will have been married 41 years in April.

I feel we are cursed. I am so broken. I need to be strong for him, but I am not. I can't. I am such a fucking mess. I probably won't be back to this thread for awhile. I don't even know why I looked tonight, shortly after I got home from a mega long day at he hospital. MisterSister wasn't feeling well. Not well at all. And I took him to the doctor and they ordered an ambulance for him and this is what happened, what is going on. At least typing this has calmed me down a bit or the Xanax has kicked in. I need to go to bed and, please, be able to sleep. I have many long days at the hospital coming up.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:55 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

northeasternarea posted 1/22/2020 23:22 PM

SMS I am praying for you and MisterSister. (((Hugs)))

BigBlueEyes posted 1/23/2020 04:27 AM


So sorry your dealing with so much,

Sending Strength and hugs for ((((((you))))))

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/23/2020 07:01 AM

OMG, SMS! I am so sorry. ((Hugs)) I don't know why, but I had a feeling you were dealing with something tragic. I was almost too afraid to ask. I am so glad to hear that your grandson is ok.

I will be thinking of you and Mr. Sister and your family.

DragnHeart posted 1/23/2020 07:52 AM

I'm so sorry SMS!!! Sending mojo and praying for both of you. Hugs!

CallingSpades posted 1/23/2020 09:58 AM

SMS, praying that today brings better news and hope.

Chili posted 1/23/2020 11:51 AM

Sending must warmth and strength this week to all the fabulous, gorgeous, and resilient ladies here.

And SMS - remember to breathe. Remember how much love you do have in your life - it's because you do feel the real shit so deeply that these situations hurt so much. Please - do take care of yourself and know we're all here as you need.

TX1995 posted 1/23/2020 11:59 AM


Even though you said you weren't going to come back, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that things seem to be crashing down. Life doesn't seem to make it easy on those of us who have already been through ENOUGH!!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I will put MisterSister on my prayer list. Along with your grandson, you and your family. May there be strength and comfort for all of you - and wisdom for his doctors.

I'm awful at seeing silver linings for myself, but I am looking at your post (and remembering those that came before) and am thankful that you have spent the last years taking that asterisk off yours and MisterSister's marriage and have been enjoying and loving each other all of that time.

I'll be thinking of you. Please know we are all here for you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/23/2020 14:39 PM

I just registered for an online transcription job. I can work from home whenever and as much as I want. I used to transcribe for attorneys as part of my first real job, so it should be pretty easy for me.

TX1995 posted 1/23/2020 14:42 PM

Awesome, coco! That's a great step, hope you get the gig. Sounds like a dream actually!

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/23/2020 14:58 PM

I can't imagine I won't get it. It sounds so easy. I just need a good handle on English, which I do, and the ability to type, which I do. No experience is required. I happen to have some, so bonus. And, I checked it out. It's legit.

My 12yo said he'd set me up an account on his new PC so I can get started. It was his idea that I look for a job I could do at home.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 8:18 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 1/23/2020 21:41 PM

HHADL, hereís an IOU for one huge hug from me. No, you donít have to put out after, donít have to boost my ego, let the focus be on how YOU feel while hugged.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/24/2020 07:11 AM

So our bowling date night was a success. It just wasn't us which was even better because I couldn't get mad or irritated with him so easily but last night we actually just had a NON VALENTINES DAY date and it was sweet. We went to one of our favorite restaurants. The name changed but the menu didn't which was a plus. We actually got to have dessert and we never have dessert. We decided NOT to drink because the weather in Illinois is unpredictable.

Also on another note before all of this Monday Jan. 20th I was going through our closet and I found a hoodie that the OW has given him and he kept it after D day Nov. 4th, 2019 when I asked him to get rid of everything of hers. I wanted no trace in this house of the OW betrayal. He has NEVER worn it. I knew about the hoodie but he told me she gave it to him as friend.

So with all this said and done our 2nd year is coming up and its the year of the cotton and I was thinking clothing but the OW kind of destroyed that because of that stupid hoodie. So I have to go another route but that's just it what is cotton but not clothing.

I really did want a matching clothing set.

[This message edited by Blackheart11419 at 7:12 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/24/2020 15:27 PM

BH, did he finally get rid of the hoodie?

Cotton besides clothing...hm.

A bedspread

Glashalffull posted 1/24/2020 20:52 PM

Cotton ideas: Sheets, towels, song lyrics on cotton paper, cottonwood tree, a wreath ( front door, fireplace) with cotton in it, aprons: Many many things are made of cotton. Hey, there are even cotton scented candles! :).

Blackheart11419 posted 1/25/2020 15:41 PM

cocoplus5nuts yes he burned the hoodie the night I found it and honestly I am glad he did.
Thank you for the cotton ideas.

Glashalffull Thank you for the cotton ideas I would have never thought of a cottonwood tree.

On another note I am having MIL and FIL problems about who and what I talk to people about especially about what I am feeling towards my H and the person I talk to is my step MIL who is like a second mom to me because we have a very close relationship and the fact that I go to her about the affair because she has been cheated on before. I feel like I have to be censored and I thought I had a freedom of speech but I guess not. I am getting tired of always being the bad guy since they found out about the A. They treat him like he did nothing wrong and its all his fault. I did nothing wrong.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/25/2020 16:12 PM

BH, I'm a bit confused. Are you talking to your step MIL and your MIL and FIL are getting upset about it? Or, are you talking to your step MIL and she and your FIL don't like it?

It's very common for the parents of the cheater to support him and not his BP. I really wonder about the people who raised the cheater. They probably aren't the best judge of character or most fair and logical. I assume there is something off with them and don't pay much attention.

This is your trauma. You can talk to whomever you want about it. If they don't like it, they need to have a talk with your CH about his bad behavior and the consequences of that. The smart is to not do anything you would be ashamed of if everyone knew.

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