"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

squid posted 8/30/2019 22:03 PM

Hey, SI friends.
This isn't the post I wanted to share. But I've been on the struggle bus lately.

I feel so stuck in a rut. I think I'm looking too hard for some sense of progress, but I can't seem to see any. Maybe I'm wallowing in a big Pity-party. I don't even feel right to complain.

I'm on the chopping block at work. My office administrator has been politely asking me to move on. Not a direct threat of termination. More of a, "Please get a job elswhere....we can't afford you" type of suggestion. The only high note in the last 8 months is that I graduated from my Masters program. But it also means that I'm trying to transition into a new industry. So I've got little experience and stuck in a Catch-22 of employers only looking for experienced candidates. How can I gain experience if no one will hire me??

Then there's the added stress of moving. I've been needing to downsize. Yet the market isn't so favorable lately. I've built up quite a bit of equity in this house, having bought it at a short-sale price not too long after the housing bubble burst. But it's too much for me to maintain on my own. I'd much rather move into a place that's a third of this size. But the added stress of moving seems just too much.

A couple pluses are that DS14 is liking his new high school. His older bro that graduated from that hight school has been shepharding him through the freshman process, which is a great blessing. Older DS19 is doing ok and DD20 finally split from toxic BF, but hasn't been very communicative since she moved into her new place.

Add to that, I learned last week from XWW that the division of my 401K had not been completed. I submitted paperwork to my attorney back in January. But due to some miscommunication, it got overlooked until just this week. The wheels are in motion. But now I feel like I did back in December when I was working so hard to get to the D finish line.

Just feeling so BLEH.

Then on top of all of this, I've been missing female companionship. There have been a couple of threads here in NB talking about that really hit home. I know I'm not ready for a serious relationship, but damn I'd like to just hang out with a nice lady that would appreciate me for me.

I've found myself watching videos of so-called "red-pill" men talking about hypergamy and MGTOW philosophies and I can't help but think that there's no hope for me. I'm in kind of a dead-end job, very average physically, and divorced with a big "D" on my forehead. Oh, woe is me!! Ugh. So sick of this.

I tried to rekindle an old flame with my trip to Ireland/London. But I saw so many red flags with her. Like MAJOR red flags. I've accepted I need to move on from that. Way too soon to even ponder such a relationship with anyone, I'm sure.

I know this seems like such a pathetic vent. But I'm stuck. So very stuck.

Oh, yeah. And now Hurricane Dorian is looking to pummel my state. Yay.

Happy Labor Day weekend, friends.

[This message edited by squid at 10:23 PM, August 30th, 2019 (Friday)]

EllieKMAS posted 8/30/2019 22:15 PM

Hey Squid - not having filed yet, I can't offer much advice/commiseration on the D stuff for you, but one thing you said did really stick out to me.

I tried to rekindle an old flame with my trip to Ireland/London. But I saw so many red flags with her. Like MAJOR red flags. I've accepted I need to move on from that.

This is huge. HUGE. That yes you are lonely and want companionship, but no you are not willing to settle for less or put up with crazy shit to get it. Good for you!!
I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now...

WhoTheBleep posted 8/30/2019 22:22 PM

You've been heard, Squid. I'm in South FL, so closely watching Dorian as well. Stay safe, friend.

Sounds like there will be change in your future. I'll need to consider downsizing as well, if my divorce doesn't pan out well for me. My house is hella big for me, but my kids love it. And I too get overwhelmed at the thought of moving. Plus my kids love my house, And I want some stability for them as they are still young.

I'm sorry about the job thing. That's a tough one.

As far as the dating thing, maybe go out and date, but be upfront that you just want something casual or friendship. Although I went in with that intention, and 4 months later I'm exclusive with a great man. But be open to whatever. If something develops, go with it. Just don't make any promises you can't keep. Go out and have fun. Get out of that funk. We all have those moments...and phases.

Happy Labor Day you too. And stay safe this coming week.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:24 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 8/31/2019 07:36 AM

Hi Squid. I'm sorry you are feeling stuck right now.

I don't really have any good advice, except this too shall pass. Sometimes in my life, moments of disequilibrium and feeling stuck preceded big spurts of growth.

I am hoping that is what is happening with you.

I too, am in south Florida. The prediction is looking a bit better for all of us this morning. It's beautiful in my neighborhood right now, and not too hot yet.

Maybe we should organize a Florida g2g?

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:38 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

hcsv posted 8/31/2019 08:19 AM

It's a terrible feeling to feel stuck. I'm sorry you are feeling this right now.

I dont know if this will help, but when I'm feeling stuck, I try to look at it as being on a precipice, which can go very badly or force you to move in a more positive direction while averting the disaster.

"stuck" forces you into a situation to make decisions that maybe have been previously easier put off than pull the cord on a decision or choice.

J707 posted 8/31/2019 10:30 AM

Man, I feel you on the missing female companionship. Now that I'm D, I can freely go and date whoever I want to. I know I'm not ready to but man oh man do I miss someone to be with. I think things will happen naturally for people like us. Just randomly, natural when the time is right. You're not alone in this. Keep pushing forward. Maybe once you down size and move that will get a lot of things off your plate. You graduated from your Masters Program, that's awesome! Good things are coming your way, just keep going!!

hardtimesinlife posted 8/31/2019 11:10 AM

Good news on the Dorian front. Maybe all the other issues will work out the same way. I'm in SoFla, too, and woke up so relieved. I know we need to keep an eye out still but the NOAA cone edge is almost past my area.
And a Fl G2G sounds like just what we all need.

WhoTheBleep posted 8/31/2019 12:51 PM

I would totally be down for a G2G. The edge of the cone is passing me, too. Still watching, but definitely breathing easier. Squid, I hope you are inland, and this thing just dies in the Atlantic.

How are you today, Squid?

squid posted 8/31/2019 17:36 PM

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I've just been in such a funk lately and it's annoying.

I'm ok today. A lot more relieved now that Dorian's path has shifted.

I would be totally into a Florida G2G! I'm in the Tampa Bay area. Let's not forget josiep. She's on the Atlantic side near Vero Beach, I think.

WhoTheBleep posted 8/31/2019 18:36 PM

Josiep is about 40 min north of me. I'd never forget her, even though we've never been able to connect in person. I'm in Palm Beach County.

demolishedinside posted 9/1/2019 07:22 AM

Darn. I left the Tampa area a few months ago. I was drowning in the newest Dday realization and would have loved a gtg. I’ll keep a watch on what you plan. Perhaps a flight is in order.

BrokenheartedUK posted 9/2/2019 10:07 AM

Squid no real advice from me but just the offer of a big hug ((((squid)))

So relieved that Dorian is bypassing you. Ugh. You don't need that. As for the job stuff, can you network and make connections in your new industry?? Can you negotiate a limited contract with an employer to gain experience at a reduced salary?? Just a couple of thoughts.

nothisfriend posted 9/3/2019 08:27 AM

Oh squid, you deserve some happiness. I can hear you thinking "so where is it dammit?"

I think someone special will show up when you least expect it. That's always been my experience.

Good news about the kiddos. That shows that you did the right thing.

The ennui about the house is something I understand. I got my house a month after D-day and had all this pent up energy that moved me through the work, painting, decluttering and moving. It's been almost 4 years and I had a shelf to paint and I kept putting it off and putting it off. Finally got it done over the weekend and it took me all of an hour. It looks so good that I'm scolding myself for procrastinating. Oh well, it's done now and I'm going to try and ride that wave to get the next thing on my list finished. Maybe you just need one small goal accomplished to kick-start?

Good luck and glad to hear Dorian won't be knocking on your door.

HappyTree posted 9/3/2019 10:02 AM

Please tell me what you took away from learning about "red pill" and MGTOW. Are you into this kinda thing? Do you think women actually are? Because I can tell you most of us certainly are not! Most of the stuff these men promote sounds like borderline abuse to me, its alot of stuff that I had to endure in my marriage and it was TERRIBLE!

Here is the advice that I have given TONS of men in your situation. I'm a single mom so here are my thoughts on the issue. If you met a single mom today, do you have enough space in your life for her and her kids? Does your job at least pay you enough so you will not be a financial hindrance to her? Can you take her to dinner? If she comes over to your home is it clean and smell free? I didn't like a guy because when we were going somewhere he had trouble getting his own stuff together. Being married to him would be like taking on another child.

What many women do like is a man can ask consent while sounding confident but not cocky.

If you are average physically, can you still be active? Can you go for a walk or a bike ride? Do you at least make an effort to care for your body? These are more the kinds of things that women actually care about.

BobPar posted 9/3/2019 11:04 AM

That is a lot going on squid. No wonder you are stressed. And untied ends when you thought it was all over tend to suck. Go on a few dates, try OLD. Use your new skills and look for red flags as a new learning experience.

squid posted 9/3/2019 14:00 PM

HappyTree,

Please tell me what you took away from learning about "red pill" and MGTOW. Are you into this kinda thing? Do you think women actually are? Because I can tell you most of us certainly are not! Most of the stuff these men promote sounds like borderline abuse to me, its alot of stuff that I had to endure in my marriage and it was TERRIBLE!

I take whatever I listen to from these men with a lot of grains of salt. I realize that most of their opinions come from being in bad relationships or marriages where the wife got bored, left and took the kids and half of everything. Their viewpoint is that all women want to do is "level up". And they've come to the point of saying "fuck off" to women altogether. I gotta tell you, that's kind of where I'm at.

And yes, some do come off as almost abusive in how they view women. Something I don't subscribe to at all. One suggested reading a book called "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene. Talk about being triggered! It's pretty much a book about manipulation. So sick! It's filled with stories of the great seducers and lovers of history and how they manipulated their victims. I haven't finished it. I've put it down so many times thinking "WTF am I reading??"

But, no, I don't believe all women are like that. If there's one thing I've taken that I've found useful is that men should chase excellence, not women. Become the best version of myself, let that be my primary focus. So that's what I'm doing. In the past few days I've signed up to learn Spanish for future travels to South America and Spain. I'm also signing DS and I for Brazilian jiu jitsu. I do exercise fairly regularly but my nutrition isn't so on point, so I'm working on that.

It isn't easy to break out of this rut. But I'm trying.

Tigersrule77 posted 9/4/2019 13:13 PM

Squid, you figured out one of the best way to meet someone. Get out of the house! Trying a new hobby is a great way to meet people and make new friends. You may meet someone at the class or make a friend who might know a fine woman looking for a gentleman like you.

I've had no luck OLD, made a friend using an old fashioned dating service, but it was not cheap. Unfortunately, all my friends apparently don't know any single women. My current job now has me home every night, so I have opportunities to pursue some hobbies. Hopefully, that will go well.

20yrsagoBS posted 9/4/2019 13:28 PM

Hey Squid,

I’m in Florida too. I could buy you coffee? I can be a non threatening platonic female buddy.

20yrsagoBS posted 9/4/2019 18:42 PM

A Tampa Bay G2G would be perfect!

ohforanewme posted 9/8/2019 09:04 AM

Bugger squid, 

I have a few moments of access to WiFi and thought I should perhaps post an update.  But when a good friend starts a new thread with the title "stuck", you can't just walk on by.

You know that a number of times I have been able to look at some of your threads of despair,  unpack them,  fit the pieces back together in a slightly altered way and reflect back to you how you are actually making better progress than you thought you were,  that you were a rather great guy,  and an even greater dad.

I think that this is another one of those.  Try and look at your post little further out and with my perspective. 

I don't see a chap that is stuck.  I see I chap who has put all the necessary bits in place necessary to make a big,  positive change in his life.  He knows that this is a big change so there are the usual nerves associated with those.  Then there is a taking stock, and a reflecting on the steps that need to be taken.  Then maybe an assessment to fully understand all those that might be impacted by the change and a check to make sure that he does not negatively affect them.

There you are squid,  not stuck.  Just doing the careful prep to launch into your great,  exciting new life. 

Wishing you all the best with it.

Now my update about me will have to wait a little, but I am loving every moment and every memory with DD