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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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Somber posted 9/21/2019 17:36 PM

Thank you all for your support. I still went to celebrate my girlfriends birthday. Our fight continued and he claimed he was looking at apartments while I was gone because I clearly canít get over it (all the betrayal). I suppose there is a time limit to my recovery in his mind.
DevastatedDee, I know you have been through similar struggles and empathize. The mindset is the problem and I do
feel disrespected. Still my fear of abandonment weighs stronger and I have a hard time letting go...itís a problem and I am seeing IC about it.

Marji, no I donít think he is feeling responsible or angry like I am. I tend to be blamed and accept that blame. Then I am left confused if I did something wrong or not. Right now I am blamed for making him take me on a trip when I wasnít ready to commit to our marriage. I was not asked to go, he booked it without my knowledge but I am somehow at fault for not making him cancel it then if I wasnít ready to move forward.

Somber, I know that we can have good days and bad and the awful feelings we may have when we reach out on SI aren't necessarily with us all the time
this is so true. I have moments where things feel okay. I am also starting to recognize a pattern of emotional abuse. I sometimes feel manipulated and gaslighted but then doubt if that is what is happening. I want to believe the good in him and believe his words when he speaks of promises and hope. It is so difficult to break this cycle. I am in IC, I sometimes go to alanon. I donít go to sanon as the once a week date is not at a convenient time. I have not looked into sanon online...I just come here for SA concerns...
Your right I am not happy but I want to be. I have not forgiven him but I want too. I try but itís a struggle. I give and he takes. He gives and I doubt his intentions. I push boundaries then I feel guilty.

Hehadadoublelife, yes to everything you said. You have explained so clearly this cycle. This is exactly what has been happening for years!! We have sex and immediately he feels entitled to my body at any given moment and requests me to play the part of his very own sex toy.

Sounds like he is still white knuckling through his sobriety

Yes you are probably right here!! He did admit his sponsor advised him not to drink. He made that choice and set up
His environment to be able drink. Why else choose an all inclusive for a 3 day getaway...
- they are expecting the good-for-you's and atta-boy's. Someone who is truly DOING. THE. WORK doesn't need those though
He definitely expects the atta boys. He claims he went to rehab, never left the house for 2 months, bought us a trip... so he tried! And he fully expects that I should be more supportive and happier with him now. The thing is I was proud of him and admiring his efforts. Yet now his efforts has led us to where he expects bigger advances and has reacted like a total self centred jerk because he didnít get his way. Now he claims to be separating and looking at apartments because I wonít show him the love (or sex) he desires.
Your bull analogy is spot on!!!! Thanks for that.

Just remember that sometimes being the best you involves being uncomfortable

This may be the hardest part, sticking to boundaries and being uncomfortable with it. I have a lifetime of pleasing other people at my own expense. It feels normal and is an expected response from me. It is difficult to change that lifetime pattern of behaviour. I am trying though. Oh and I did tell him to go fuck himself!!! lol

Lifeexploded, yes I like the bull analogy too. I certainly
Feel emotionally smashed in the process thatís for
Itís not crazy being glad and offended at the same time by these men. Iíve been there. So messed up. Your WH sounds controlling too...I can relate to that as well.

[This message edited by Somber at 5:42 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Lionne posted 9/22/2019 14:30 PM

40th anniversary today. Whee. My resentments are working overtime. He asked what he could do to make it a fun day. A flux capacitor maybe?
I'm going to buy myself something nice. Maybe a bar of rose soap.

Lifeexploded posted 9/22/2019 19:05 PM

Lionne, buy yourself whatever the hell you want.

Lionne posted 9/22/2019 20:33 PM

Lol, I will, Life. I'm just not a high maintenance girl.
I bought 3!

DevastatedDee posted 9/23/2019 09:18 AM

DevastatedDee, I know you have been through similar struggles and empathize. The mindset is the problem and I do
feel disrespected. Still my fear of abandonment weighs stronger and I have a hard time letting go...itís a problem and I am seeing IC about it.

I get that. You are being abandoned all the time right now, though. You fear what you are already experiencing. It's hard to wrap your mind around it when you're in the middle of all the insanity of addiction. You are experiencing enough intermittent reinforcement from him to keep you stuck and block you from seeing clearly how much you are already abandoned. He can't be a real partner because he is fucked in the head. No amount of waiting around for something magical to happen is going to make any difference at all, aside from prolonging your suffering.

I do empathize. Cheating + addiction is an absolute hellscape.

crazyblindsided posted 9/23/2019 13:14 PM

I get that. You are being abandoned all the time right now, though.

This is so true with these types. I think that was the breaking point for me... my WS's latest silent treatment because I'm not acting the way he wants me to. On top of that he has been sleeping in another room for months and had the audacity to tell me this has been the worst year sexually of his life.

Game Over.Done.Stick a fork in me.

I am tired of constantly being abandoned in my M. I am now abandoning the M. i feel like a zombie but I figure if I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will be free!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:15 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 9/23/2019 15:23 PM

Girl, I am so glad you're getting out of this abuse. SO glad.

demolishedinside posted 9/24/2019 17:24 PM

Iím so glad, too. Iím here for you every step of the way.


Lifeexploded posted 9/25/2019 18:42 PM

I was checking out sawh activity log on fb, and he joined a group called High Performing Men Taking MANHOOD Back at Home. I about peed myself laughing. Maybe thatsbwhybhe has been ruder and bossier than usual. He thinks being a man is asserting your dominance over everyone.

Our kids practically cant stand him. Last week our 13 year old boy came to me to talk about girl stuff. I nonchalantly ask him why he didnt talk to Daddy and he said "because i dont like talking to him about stuff." I notice this. When I am having a conversation with the kids (mostly the older 4) and he comes into the room and tries to interject himself into the conversation, they shut down and get away as quickly as they can. I feel so sad for them i try to make up for it as much as i can, which has been great for my relationships with them but it also makes the contrast in our parenting styles so obvious. He is missing so much and too dumb ajd self absorbed to see it.

He also watched a video with a topless woman with reindeer painted on her breasts jiggling them in time to a christmas song. Classy.

The last two days have been terrible. Yesterday I had to take three of my kids to the doctor-sick with strep. Today, I had to take myself and a 4th child to the doctor. Same thing. Even though i felt like hell ran over ( fever, aches, chest pain, headache) I made dinner. Sawh gets home, announces he is starving, asks if dinner is ready, and gets himself a bowl and eats. Never a thank you for cooking even though I feel like shit. I got a bowl also and sat at the table and ate with him while he stared at his phone.

crazyblindsided posted 9/26/2019 18:12 PM

(((Lifeexploded))) that sounds awful he should be taking care of dinner for you while you are sick

I hope you and the kids feel better soon.

Sorry your WS is behaving badly again I did have a good laugh at this...

High Performing Men Taking MANHOOD Back at Home

wow just wow

Lifeexploded posted 9/27/2019 08:59 AM

I wont be able to post here often. Last night sawh asked what I was doing for the 654,346 time and I guess since I dont feel good, i snapped. I told him to quit asking me what I am doing on my phone every time I pick it up unless he wants me to do the same thing to him. So then, he says he wants me to put the accountability app on my phone too. Fuck. I dont do anything i shouldnt or step outside the marriage but i do come here, and i dont want him to know about it.

So, this pissed me off. A few days ago i noticed that one of his ingernet browsers isnt showing up on the accountability app. I wasnt really worried about it and i wasnt even going to mention it because i just dont care anymore. But i was so mad i forgot to gray rock. Lol Long story short, its because he doesnt use it. I did a quick google search with it to verify that its working, and then left the room. Well, i checked the app this morning, and discovered that after i had walked out of the room, he did a google search for "fuck you". He knows i will see it. Nice.

Then, he acts like everything is fine this morning.

For now, my laptop doesnt have the accountability app on it and i can use it to come here but who knows how long it will take for him to notice.

Crazyblindsided, if your earlier comment means you're ready to break free, congratulations! I hope it goes well for you.

ashestophoenix posted 9/27/2019 09:48 AM

Life, you don't need to put an accountability app on any of your devices. He's being an abusive jerk. I sincerely hope you can establish more safety.


ashestophoenix posted 9/27/2019 09:48 AM

Life, you don't need to put an accountability app on any of your devices. He's being an abusive jerk. I sincerely hope you can establish more safety.


Lifeexploded posted 9/27/2019 10:58 AM

Ashes, I feel the same way but Im not sure how to verbalize that. It will end up in a fight for sure. He will probably just retaliate by taking it off of his phone and then where does that leave me? Im not sure where I stand right now. He threatened seperation a few weeks ago and I told him ok, but he didnt go anywhere. I cant bluff a threat of divorce because we both know Im not ready for that. We already had that conversation where we agreed to divorce in 3 years and I outlined my reasons for wanting to wait (all very valid points including waiting until the youngest is old enough to verbalize if a step parent is abusing her). He took this very seriously because he was abused severely by his step father.

DashboardMadonna posted 9/27/2019 12:02 PM

Hi LifeExploded

I was checking out sawh activity log on fb, and he joined a group called High Performing Men Taking MANHOOD Back at Home. I about peed myself laughing

I had to chuckle at this. I have these moments, also...laughing, followed by crying, when realizing how out of touch from reality he is.

Not long after DD, I discovered this stash (they were not exactly hiding) of books he had recently purchased, in regards to marriage etc. He aquired that stupid book "5 love languages" (is this the title?) And I was completely floored.

I have literally been with this character for 26 years. I have always been forth coming with my thoughts, feelings, beliefs...cried and asked him why he shuts me out.

That book is the most basic of relationship advice. This seriously validated my thoughts, in terms who he truly is. It revealed that he didnt listen and didnt care about my needs...a vast void, where empathy should reside.

It frightens me that this person needs a book to validate who I am, when it was never a secret. I have always been transparent with my thoughts and feelings, as he expressed resentment for them...

It's the repeated cycle of abuse. He probably hoped I would find them, to give the appearance he is trying...He became butt-hurt (when are they not?), when I defaced his books and made a mockery of them and him. My emotions have always been a game to him.

They are perpetual toddlers, that will always feel the need to lick and touch anything and everything...never developing executive function skills beyond appearances...a world of impulsivity and explosive emotions.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 2:59 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 9/28/2019 16:28 PM

Hello everyone

Well, I am still feeling like crap. Fortunately, I have been drinking less BUT UNfortunately I have been binge eating like crazy.

My 'fat' clothes are tight, and I feel SO unhealthy- everything from my skin, to being really stuffy, headaches, dizziness, walking up one flight of stairs kills me, aches and pains.

So...I am starting up counseling again. My last lady was GREAT- she was APSAT certified and specialized in treating partners of SA. However, she was about 70 min away and $150 a pop

This new lady is very close and covered by insurance- she also specializes in eating disorders, codependency, addiction, depression and anxiety.

Also- I am really wanting to try this Yoga place by my house- i think this will have great physical AND mental benefits. And the weather is becoming bearable once again here in S FL, so I can do my beach/hiking/biking/kayaking stuff again.

I guess one thing I am is resilient...I am like the little engine that could. I do this with everything in my life- I try, attack, plan, re-plan, attack from different angle, brainstorm new ideas, try every possible solution to get what I want. Relentless lol! The only negative I see in that is I am also using that strategy in my marriage when honestly, it's probably wisest to realize some things are NOT worth fighting so hard for & losing them could very well be 'winning'.

marji posted 9/28/2019 17:50 PM

DW80Please forgive that I don't remember your story but first let me say that your spirit, your stamina, I think too your good humor and good sense of yourself comes through here by your posts and I hope you know that you have picked the wrong SI name for yourself.

But sounds like you know how to find a good IC and that yes, you realize some things are not worth fighting for. I love the way you put that.

So 80, (If it's ok I call you that) it's hiking, biking, yiyaking and stuff again in S FL; reading this has made me happy; thank you for sharing and hope you are doing all that; Im looking forward to being in S Fl in two months-and hiking, and hiking and hiking--it helps me to continue to process the trauma--4 years out and like you, resilient.

Names can be changed. I hope you come to feel you need another but in the meantime, hope you can find something very nice to do for you each day.

Beachwalker posted 9/29/2019 00:52 AM

Hello, All. I guess this is more of a vent than anything else. If you know my story, then skip to paragraph 2. My WW and I have been married for 30 years this year and I have learned that for 29- ish of those years she has always had some other man on the side, and 1 in particular who has been in the shadow of our M since month 12. In month 13, the sex started. She has had PAís with 8 men (up 1 more as of today) and EAís with 6 more. I do believe there are more and that she has not told me of all her activities. You know, TT. She has been caught twice before and picked up HPV from AP2, then continued to have sex with other men knowing she was infected. D-day was Sept, 2017 and I told her to not contact AP1, she agreed. She later confessed she called him until he finally answered, then in a proud announcement informed me he was going to abide by my wishes. Learned via OBS from AP1, WW sent email in Jan/Feb of í18 then another in Mar/Apr. He opened neither per my wishes. I found proof she intended to send another in June, but misspelled the email address. AP1 verified this June email and told me he opened it because he knew WW would pester him until he responded. AP1 said that in the email WW apologized for my contacting him, said I had no right to do so, and that she wanted to stay in touch. In June of 2019, I contacted OBS and spilled the beans. WW told me OBS put info about A on FB and changed her status to ďseparatedĒ, I think. I told OBS who blocked WW, so did AP1, and OBS sent WW a FB message telling her to stay out of their lives.

Today, WW confessed that AP# was more than just a flirt partner, but they had sex. I have been asking for the past 2 years for full disclosure and I just canít seem to get it. I have a plan to make myself independent of WWís income, but that will take a few months. Meanwhile, we are both in IC and I feel as if I am making a little progress, but I also seem to be at the end of the road. I have downloaded the papers from the courthouse for Dissolution and have begun to fill them out. I am more than ready to kick her out and let her go fix herself. I see her do something right (like, fill out a timeline) then something wrong (omit a lover or two), then something right (admit to the children her Aís) but something wrong (didnít talk with me first or ever tell me she did so). Itís as if she is intentionally giving me reasons to D her, like she really wants out and is daring me to make the move for D.

Is this ďnormalĒ behavior for WSís, or am I married to a wacko one?!

marji posted 9/29/2019 09:31 AM

Beachwalker These multiple, long time, cheaters are not normal. They are all wacko to some extent. Many can seem normal to the public-not needing police or hospital supervision but they are not normal people. So yes, doing something right, then doing something wrong is just the kind of behavior that fits with what they have done and how they have been living their lives.

We want them to be normal after we've discovered what they've done but that expectation is usually going to be seriously unmet. If they were able to be normal and healthy and trustworthy and solid, good partners after discovery they most likely would not have been doing what they did in the first place.

Doesn't mean they can never get better. Some do and some don't. So are you married to a wacko one--absolutely; are most of us who have been betrayed by spouses and partners over and over again, some of us for many years, married to wackos. Yes. Normal, healthy, strong and truly happy people do not do what they have done.

NoMoreRugSweepin posted 10/1/2019 10:17 AM

So the other day after group SAWS told me about a ONS with an acquaintance that was before the full blown affair happened, that was encouraged by a friend. Both are now blocked on facebook. We ran into the ONS at an event but no interaction was had and group covered making sure everything was put into the open and being fully honest with yourself and he realized that seeing her was his sign from God of you forgot about one asshole.

I am incredibly wounded by this so called friend. Where the fuck did he get off thinking it was ok to tell a friend to cheat on a supposed other friend. This person had watched our child and I hate so much that my kid was left with someone with no moral compass of any kind. I realized he was never a friend to me a while ago but this just sinks the ship to a lower depth of crap.

I still appreciate the honesty but of course this is a 2nd D-Day of TT to me. I do believe WS is trying to be able to make it into a sexual sobriety but of course its a long hard fight to deal with it. He keeps digging into whys and then asks more whys from there and has shared some moments that has caused him to ask himself if this was where his life took a turn to being prone to addiction.

I'm on the hopium train but my child and myself have been and continue to be my priorities now and WS knows this and accepts it. I'm still sticking to my boundaries so it helps me feel empowered.

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