Oh Somber, I'm so sorry you're in this position.
He feels entitled to sex whenever now and I don’t want it. I tell him and he is left confused. He should be, I am in the wrong for having sex with him or having a drink. I enabled him in both his addictions. I feel responsible and confused and angry at myself.
I remember well the push and pull of deciding to have sex. I would go months without it, then decide to give in, and now all of a sudden they don't want to go a day, hell even a few hours without it. They grope you whenever they can, and then get angry when you don't respond to the groping.
You start to feel as if it's all your fault for giving in and having sex in the first place. But it is NOT your fault. It is the addict in them. They do not understand the concept of moderation. He should never claim confusion for you not wanting to have sex. Each and every time that two people have sex, there needs to be consent by both parties. You consenting to and engaging in sex yesterday does not mean you want sex today. You having sex this morning does not mean you want sex right now, or an hour from now, or later tonight. You are NOT responsible for his feelings. He needs to learn to control those urges, not let them all out on you like some sort of sex flood gate has been opened.
Unfortunately, this cycle will keep repeating as long as he is an active addict. You have sex, and he gets the feel goods from that, so he wants to keep chasing that high to complete excess, groping you and asking for it at every turn. Then his inability to temper his need for excess will make you feel unsafe, and then you'll go for longer and longer stretches without it, which he then views as punishment, and a "neglect" of his needs, a denial of those feel-goods he is so desperately searching for. He will badger you about it and make you feel terrible for denying him. And each time you do finally give in, the cycle starts all over again.
Sounds like he is still white knuckling through his sobriety. If he is already 12-stepping, as it sounds like he is since you mentioned a sponsor, then he isn't doing it right. There is "doing the work" and then there is DOING. THE. WORK. There is a surface level of "doing the work" that many addicts fake their way through when they just aren't ready to actually DO. THE. WORK.
Sure, they go to meetings, they might have a sponsor, and they will tell anyone that will listen that they are sober - or even if they're not talking about it to anyone else, they will remind YOU of it every chance they get. But in the end they're just using that as a means of getting validation, so yet again, they're letting their addict brain take over. Only this time they're addicted to the feel-goods they get when they talk about their sobriety - they are expecting the good-for-you's and atta-boy's. Someone who is truly DOING. THE. WORK doesn't need those though.
In regards to your husband choosing to drink because he's "not that kind of alcoholic," I would like to say, there is only one kind of alcoholic - the alcoholic kind. My brother went through a phase in the early sobriety days where he thought he would be able to get back to just having a few casual drinks with friends, and guess where that landed him? In a hospital getting his stomach pumped and having to turn in his chip and start all over again at 1 day sober.
I'm reminded of a Steinbeck quote:
Sometimes a man wants to be stupid if it lets him do a thing his cleverness forbids
Your husband is not stupid, he knows he is an addict, and that he should not be drinking. But he wants to PLAY stupid so that he can get away with it. He even "spoke with a sponsor" who he says told him that drinking is okay?? I find it incredibly hard to believe that any sponsor would condone that. And if they actually did say that, then he needs to get a new sponsor.
Another Steinbeck quote:
Some people think it's an insult to the glory of their sickness to get well.
Some people just don't want to get better. I honestly feel that most, if not all, addicts fall into this category, at least during any active addictions, but also even in the early stages of their attempts at sobriety. Addicts will not get better until they want to get better. And sometimes their vices have become such an enmeshed part of their identity, they actually view getting sober as an affront to their personhood, which in actuality, is victimhood.
Teaching empathy to an addict who isn't willing to learn is like trying to teach a raging bull not to demolish every dish in the china shop - impossible. As painful as it is to watch the bull thrash around and destroy everything in its path, you are powerless to stop it. You can see so clearly from the outside that all of that thrashing is just causing more damage, and isn't doing anything to actually solve the problem which is their rage, but until they want to see it, they won't, and they will continue to thrash. So until the bull comes to you with an open heart and an earnest desire to learn and grow, you've just got to keep letting the bull do whatever bulls do. Stop expecting him to be anything but a bull, and just focus on being the best YOU that you can be.
Just remember that sometimes being the best you involves being uncomfortable - denying him sex even though he has made it clear he really wants it for example. You might feel bad, and will have the inclination to give in because you feel responsible for his feelings. But you have to keep reminding yourself that you are not. Allowing him to cross those boundaries will feel good because he will be happy that you had sex, and now everything can go back to normal again, right? Wrong. Those good feelings will be temporary, because while you feel you have satiated his need, you can't satiate the insatiable, and he WILL come back for more. He will just learn that if he pushes just a little bit harder he can always get you to cave.
I know you already know this, so keep on keeping on with your own boundaries. Have sex when you want to, not because he wants it. And deny sex when you want to, because that is your right. Deny BJs because they are a trigger, and then let him respond however he responds. Moving into a separate bedroom because you won't give him a BJ even though he has received them from other women during your marriage? I would gladly tell him to go fuck himself.
Sometimes you expect a lot from someone because you would do that much for them.
I have not been able to find where that quote is from, but it is something I have identified with. Some people are just not capable of the same things that we are - the levels of empathy and compassion that flow freely from us are not easily reached by people like them - and we all know addicts don't like anything that isn't easy. If your refusal to be a glorified sex toy for sex on demand is the hill that he wants to let your marriage die on, then so be it. Let him throw a temper tantrum and go find somewhere else to stay because he isn't getting enough BJs. That says everything about his own afflictions of entitlement and selfishness.
The last Steinbeck quote I'll leave you with:
I believe a strong woman may be stronger than a man, particularly if she happens to have love in her heart. I guess a loving woman is indestructible.
You are indestructible. You will have scars, but we all do. They will always be there, but they will fade with time, and will be a reminder of everything you fought so hard to make it through.