My heart breaks for you, Somber. For all of us. I have tears streaming down my face as I type this, because I know this pain so well. This is a day in the life.
I refuse to kiss or cuddle ever as those seem more intimate than sex. He keeps pushing for that but I know his intention is for More every time.
This right here is something that only the spouse of a sex addict can understand. It seems like such a tiny little thing. But in the end, this was everything to me. Knowing that he couldn't just lay with me, or hug me, or play with my hair, or kiss me without the ultimate goal being sex. And if he did refrain from trying (which wasn't often) it was not for lack of thinking about it, only because he knew it would piss me off, or actually make it less likely for me to have sex with him.
Knowing that every single loving gesture that I gave so freely simply because I loved him - hugs, kisses, back rubs, foot massages, etc. - had ulterior motives behind it when he was reciprocating just crushed me. It still crushes me.
He tried so hard, but only to get what he wanted. "See! I've been hugging you more, like you asked!" Immediately followed by, "So why won't you have sex with me?"
And the answer is, because you didn't hug me because you love me. You hugged me so you could get sex from me.
Then when I started calling him out on that, he got smart and stopped saying the second part out loud. But I knew that sub text was always there.
He would spend tons of time and money buying "this awesome new thing that's supposed to be amazing for you!" when it came to sex toys. Idiot didn't realize it was never about me not enjoying sex with him. It was about me feeling that sex was the only thing he valued me for. And buying new sex toys for me honestly just reinforced that feeling.
If only he could have just hugged or kissed me like he meant it - just as an expression of love, and not a means to an end - things would have been so different.
I want the kind of love where someone just looks at you and can't help but kiss you because your smile makes you look beautiful to them. The kind of love where they come up and give you a hug from behind while you're doing the dishes, then walk away, because that hug was all they wanted. The kind of love where they see you crying, and they drop everything to comfort you. The kind of love where they are overwhelmed by their need to wrap their arms around you, to hold you for holding's sake.
Call me broken, or cynical, but I'm beginning to think that kind of love doesn't exist. Everyone says you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Well, I already know I'm pretty fucking awesome. And all of you ladies are too! So why on Earth did we fall in love with such broken people?
I'm just so incredibly sad for those of us who fell deeply, passionately in love with men who seem incapable of returning it in kind.
[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 5:34 PM, October 21st (Monday)]