It's actually not the addiction behaviors, per say, that I have the issues with. That, I don't take personally.
It's the slipping without saying anything. My husband's slips were pretty far and few between. He said at first it was like once a year. Then it became twice a year, then once every other month, and eventually once a month. We're talking approximately a progression over 4 years. And, by that point, he still hadn't reached his typical frequency of getting high when DDay 1 hit.
Look, I'll buy that at DDay2, my husband's addiction got to "unmanageable" status, even if again, his frequency was still less than what it had been at DDay1.
But he had three years of full sobriety after DDay1. No porn, no compulsive masturbation. (his MO.)
Do I think he white-knuckled some of it-yes. Now, it's pretty clear he didn't do all the needed work the first time. But, I also think the recovery work had some impact on him, actually.
So. The one thing I would not tolerate is my husband putting his addiction over a marriage with me. A week into DDay1, I asked him to make a choice..me or his addiction. Then his chose me.
I still see the choice as valid, now. It's always the addiction or me.
I absolutely cannot buy that after three years of sobriety, that my husband's addiction was completely unmanageable after one slip in a year's time. Or even two slips in another year's time. That his addiction was so unmanageable that he was unable to communicate that he had slipped in any way to me.
I brought that up to my husband. And he could also not explain how his addiction was unmanageable at the point when he was slipping once a year. My husband chose, absolutely chose his addiction over me. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to come back from that. While my husband doesn't see this as "personal" I absolutely do. These are my terms of the marriage. He had a choice to make decisions by my terms or not. And, well, he chose not to.
I'm not wired to tolerate playing second fiddle to someone's addiction. I wouldn't even date boys that smoked pot in college because I just want nothing to do with the cognitive dissonance that addiction causes.
Now, to be fair to my husband, I did NOT communicate to him that addiction was a dealbreaker prior to our engagement. I didn't think I had to. He rarely drinks and doesn't smoke or do drugs.
So, sure, at DDay1 neither one of us had full information to make informed decisions about who we chose to partner with. We both get a pass. However, after DDay1, I DID provide my husband with some future expectations. I did warn him that I only had one recovery in me. (To include deception for several years)..He also knew that I would understand slips/relapses IF there was open communication about them. These were the terms of staying married to me.
And my husband broke those terms. And I take that personally.