SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

did you ask HER to be STD tested? She should have done this BEFORE you had sex with her. YOU need to do this if you haven't yet.

Also, DNA test the kids -- you have NO idea if she has done this before. Even if you are sure they are yours, this will show her how much she has damaged your relationship and how little you trust her.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:27 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

[This message edited by Bahama at 8:51 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

I feel she wants me to sweep this all under the rug and move on with trying to fix our marriage.

Those two things are mutually exclusive.

I know she feels pain for me, but seems to be so overwhelmed by her own guilt, shame, imperfections, and regret that she's unable to see what I need.

You told her exactly what you need. Or at least one very easy, well-defined thing that you need. And that's getting rid of the BCP's. I can understand why that's a huge trigger for you...it probably would be for me as well. Add in the fact that you had a vasectomy (a very significant and permanent sacrifice) specifically so she wouldn't have to take them anymore, and it becomes more than a trigger. It's a daily slap in the face. And what did she do when you demanded she stop taking them? She threw a tantrum.

If she's not willing to do this one thing for you, take this first baby step...then what *is* she willing to do?

I've been following your story, and I'm very sorry that you're here.

The plot summary of your latest post is that you had vulnerabilities and pain that you wanted to share with her, but she deflected and suggested that you not feel your pain (unfortunately, pain must be released, it can't be ignored). You asked for a concrete action from her and she ran away and never directly gave you an answer. Then she expressed vulnerabilities and pain and you comforted her.

I feel she wants me to sweep this all under the rug and move on with trying to fix our marriage. I know she feels pain for me, but seems to be so overwhelmed by her own guilt, shame, imperfections, and regret that she's unable to see what I need.

You're right. The thing is that you can't fix this for her. She needs to develop the resilience and strength to face her shame and your pain. It's neither healthy nor fair for you to shield her from this.

My wife has some serious emotional and personality issues beyond the scope I realized and may be able to help her with. I can't help but feel some compassion and concern for her.

It's a big shock to realize how broken your life partner is. Affairs shine a big old spotlight on their weaknesses. But even if you were somehow qualified to help her with her emotional and personality issues, that's not your place. When people mistreat and misuse us, we set boundaries and focus on ourselves. If we have a reason to allow that person to remain in our lives, then we do cautiously, with our own support.

People say that anger is bad. Anger is the most human and productive emotion that you can feel right now. That’s why so many people here were worried with your fairly rose colored updates.

There is a nuance to anger though. It doesn’t mean that you have the right to act angry. But anger at this stage drives action. It squelches the little man sitting on your shoulder pleading for a quick return to the status quo.

She is still protecting the affair.

What has she done to help you? If she is NC with the other man it is because he wants his wife...

Your wife is a very selfish woman and you are getting played by her. That doesn't mean you can't ever reconcile but you have got to stop letting her have a tantrum and derail what you need.

She can quit the BC pills today and it is a small thing that means a lot to you. Ignore her temper tantrums.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 10:49 AM, March 11th (Monday)]

Also I think you are incorrect in thinking she is having these fits because she is so guilt ridden. I would guess she feels like a fool. OM chose his wife, not her, and she is frustrated that you won't just move on and let her off the hook.

She did a masterful job of spinning that argument.

In the end she keeps her birth control and you’re the one apologizing.

Is she willing to explore other types of medication to control her depression and acne? I find it odd that you’re getting so much pushback from her on this particular issue.

Bahama- Have you had a vasectomy ? She was on the birth control pills just during her A ?

Sorry confused about that point.

There are going to be times that you have to epxress what you are feeling and know that you were heard.

If she just started taking the birth control pills during her A I do think you are well within your right to ask her to stop taking them. If she was willing to do "anything," I think that is one thing she could do to remove a trigger for you. Further she hid them. She continued to hide in a AD bottle. If she promised no more lies I can see how that would be a sore point for you. It is a continuation of a lie she told during her A to cover up her A.

I really don't think you were out of line to ask. I think you could have asked in a different way and explained why it was important to you. It is something concrete that would help you regain a little trust in her. She seems more intent on holding her ground and her shame.

Again this takes time, man. Are you still going to IC ?

She did a masterful job of spinning that argument.

In the end she keeps her birth control and you’re the one apologizing.

Is she willing to explore other types of medication to control her depression and acne? I find it odd that you’re getting so much pushback from her on this particular issue.

YES! Bahama please listen to the people here.

You guys had an argument, which is a negotiation by yelling. But are you going to be able to tolerate the trigger of the BCPs, and the house of lies built up around them? Should you have to?

If you feel the answer is no, then just say so in a calm way. Tell her to ditch the BCPs or expect divorce papers, period. Arguing about it gives her false hope. A time for her to choose. Now she has actions she can take to help the marriage, which seemed to be a problem for her.

This is the danger of telling your wife you forgive her shortly after D day. You don't know what you are forgiving.

Here is what you should know now. There will be more surprises, both externally as facts pop up, and internally as you think about things.

She definitely wants you to rugsweep and just get over it already. She's playing you and manipulating you. Perhaps read about the 180 in the Healing Library in the yellow box upper left corner of this page.

Has your WW read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. McDonald? You keep saying that she says she doesn't know what to do. Well if she read the fucking book she might. She also might decide it's just to much fucking effort.

You're carrying her water. You're comforting her. Good luck. You need it.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:27 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

What day did you confront her about the affair? OBS has said they were in contact until the day they sent each other NC emails. And,she felt they were coordinating everything. I think she's right.

This is an extremely long thread,it would be beneficial if you could put your dday in your signature,along with the length of the affair.

The bc says a lot. It's been awhile since I was on the pill, but it takes awhile to work. And you dont start taking it immediately. So,what if anything, did they use until the BC kicked in

It would benefit your reconciliation if you allowed her to feel her feelings and stop comforting her. She should feel bad. She needs to feel bad.

And,I'm sorry but she is nowhere near remorse. At all. She's defensive. Blameshifting. Angry. Mad when you share your feelings. None of these are signs of remorse.

Also, I dont buy this bullshit that she is shocked at what she's done and is reeling. She's not. She's shocked you were smart enough to figure it out. She banked on you being too foolish to figure it out. She isnt stupid. Her whining that she is just along for the ride,and has no clue how to begin to repair the damage she's caused is a load of crap. She had access to the internet. She knows there's a ton of information out here. She doesnt want to do the work. She wants you to suck it up and shut up. She managed to have an affair for several months. She was methodical in planning it out. She put effort into figuring out how to get away with it. Where is her effort in figuring out how to fix it? Why was the affair worth that effort,but her marriage isnt?

Have you put a var in her car? I would bet a good amount of money that you will discover she's still in contact with him. Her leaving last night with the dog has my spidey sense tingling. It sounds like she has a burner phone.

What consequences has she had? She can't see him as easily as before because both spouses know. And she has a sad husband. What consequences has she really had?

Read some other long threads on here. You will find that the men who didnt play the nice guy,have the best outcome. Women who cheat dont respect their husbands. And men that women can manipulate dont respect those men. I'm not suggesting you be a dick. But stop being so understanding. You're assuming she's feeling bad about hurting you and is so ashamed. You told her not to let you know she's missing him..rightfully so. You are projecting how you would feel in her shoes. Her actions, and the things she IS saying, sounds more like she is feeling sorry for herself,and is heartbroken over the affair being exposed. She's crying over the loss of the OM. She is not stunned and feeling ashamed. She's known for a lot longer than you exactly what she was doing. And she was just fine with it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:30 AM, March 11th (Monday)]

Ok - I'm going to speak up because Yaz is frequently used as a hormone leveler. PMS is nothing to mess with and if she goes off a therapeutic dose of estrogen (which Yaz is), you can create more problems for her physically and emotionally than I think you're prepared to deal with. I don't know how old you and your wife are, but I entered perimenopause in my early 30s, and was lucky to get one full term pregnancy out of my stress-riddled body. My doc put me on Yaz, thinking it would calm down symptoms. Most women it works that way. I've been studying up on estrogen dominance - which happens a lot to women working in a high stress job. I was one of four women in a financial services company's 80 employee department. That's stressful under any circumstances. Add in 2008-09, a few departmental scandals and low paychecks and you have a real powder keg. And that's nothing compared to what an E/R doc faces.

My biggest concern is that the suspicions you have about BC may be well founded in the lies of her affair, but are possibly getting blown out of proportion by the peanut gallery who have zero clue about how many different ways BC gets used to help a woman with stress resilience. I've had friends who lost their marriages because their wives' hormones got so out of whack that their moods were intolerable, and their perceptions of their husbands' behaviors were filtered through estrone - not a friendly estrogen.

Your relationship recovery may very well depend on her STAYING on Yaz. Or her exploring a bio-identical solution to estrogen balance. So I'd suggest you both go to a consult with a GYN so that you clearly understand what is going on with your wife physically so you don't sabotage her ability to handle the stress of what she's created and stress of trying to make things right by you.

Please read what Slowlygoingcrazy wrote and then read it again.

Your post basically breaks down to you being vulnerable, her throwing a tantrum, you apologizing, and her getting off the hook.

I'm so sorry she is continuing to hurt you.

Bahama, I'm not going to speak about the bc issue.

I'm not a dr. and I don't play one on TV (or the internet), either.

I will tell you that what happened between you two is very normal.

I can't tell you how many times I have blown up at my wife. It gets better with time.

I think it's good that she sees your anger.

Can you print out some articles from here and just let her read them without giving away your source?

My wife never truly got it until she was reading through the healing library and the jfo forum.

I'm not advocating you sending her here, but I'll never forget watching my wife's entire attitude change when she finally got a smidgeon of an idea what we go through.

I believe in keeping this place as your safe place, but I didn't learn that until after I'd shown her.

It helped our R and really took it to the level it needed to be.

I hate that this is tearing you apart so badly. Brother, I'll never forget what it was like to be in your shoes.

I'll end by saying, don't hold your anger in. It'll just bottle up and explode at some point.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 11:47 AM, March 11th (Monday)]

She continues to lie to you and you end up comforting her and taking care of her.

After she betrayed you in the coldest and mean-spirited way.

Due, you gotta be in control.

You know what? If she is crying then let her cry. By herself.

The way she was content to let you cry by yourself.

She needs to put in the effort to restore your relationship the same way she put in the effort to destroy it.

I'm not a psychologist, but given her history of self harm as an adolescent, acting out sexually , and being stuck in a "I'm a terrible person, no one loves me" narrative, you might find it useful to read up on Borderline Personality Disorder.