SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first response to you and I rarely post. First, I'm so sorry for the trauma you are experiencing. My D-Day was almost 2 years ago now and I feel painfully inexperienced to walk anyone through this miserable process. My marriage is still far from healed and after almost 2 years, even with a remorseful spouse that did almost everything right after D-Day, I still don't think I will ever be at peace in my marriage again.

I just want to chime in on what k81a had to say. Many, many, women that take BC pills are not actually taking it for birth control purposes. Many women take it to regulate monthly cycles and regulate mood swings associated with PMS. It actually is also helpful for those that may be prone to ovarian cysts and can regulate heavy flow. And yes, it can help with acne - there is a type of acne that occurs mostly in peri-menopausal women, not teenagers. None of these situations may apply to your WS, but please know that there are many, many, medical reasons a GYN would recommend the use of a BC pill. Your WS's use of a BC pill may have nothing to do with the A or it might. As another poster suggested, perhaps you could accompany your wife to her GYN appointment and engage in a factual discussion about what benefits the pill provide her. If it is still a trigger for you even after hearing the reasons why she may need the BC pill, then she will need to be mindful of these triggers and might need to take them when you are not around and store them in her purse vs a medicine cabinet.

There is never going to be an answer to the "why" that comforts the sense of betrayal you feel right now. The books that have been mentioned already are excellent, but I suspect "Not Just Friends" will be very helpful to your wife given the circumstances that led to her A.

There came a point when my WH wanted to know what he could do to make it better and I think sometimes it just takes time. Obviously there are things that are necessary to start your healing, (i.e. her saying I'm sorry, willingness on her part to answer your questions, transparency with electronic devices, no trickle truth, NC with the AP, IC'ing for you both, etc.).

Once we started MC, our counselor suggested that we limit our discussions to 1 hr. We would have these marathon talks in the early weeks and we would both be useless the next day. I think if you can limit the length of your discussions and then journal about it and reflect on what you've learned it may be helpful to your healing. And of course, in these early days, be very honest about what you are feeling with her and don't be afraid to ask for what you need to continue healing.

Bahama... Fwiw, I see things a bit differently than many recent posts from others.

There is no immediate evidence she is breaking NC. There are a number of posts here that are interpreting circumstantial actions as further betrayal. These interpretations may or may not be true. It is easy to both rugsweep or jump to conclusions of betrayal. The hard and more beneficial path is in the middle.

I hear lots of evidence of a wife with lots of mixed regret and remorse that has not come to grips with how to help you or herself. She hasn't been to IC yet! She hasn't read what might be the best book for her right now. She isn't talking to anyone for support. It makes sense that she is struggling with what to do!

You can interpret these behaviors as malevolent or as a W struggling with how to deal with what she has done with no help but from her hurting husband.

I would take the latter interpretation. But make sure she gets to IC, reads the healing book and yes, by all means do your data search for deleted messages. If you find something new... You can deal with that then.

Hang in there.

type of acne that occurs mostly in peri-menopausal women, not teenagers. None of these situations may apply to your WS, but please know that there are many, many, medical reasons a GYN would recommend the use of a BC pill. Your WS's use of a BC pill may have nothing to do with the A or it might. As another poster suggested, perhaps you could accompany your wife to her GYN appointment and engage in a factual discussion about what benefits the pill provide her. If it is still a trigger for you even after hearing the reasons why she may need the BC pill, then she will need to be mindful of these triggers and might need to take them when you are not around and store them in her purse vs a medicine cabinet.

- These pills were never prescribed for these purposes. WW admitted she took them out of fear of getting pregnant by her AP.

- WW concealed the pills in another bottle to disguise the fact she was taking BC during her A.

- WW admitted she noticed that the BC pills were helping with her acne.

- There are many other medications that can assist with acne, as well as the list of problems in the quote above.

The FACT remains WW took the BC pills to avoid pregnancy during her A. Not for the list of medical reasons in the quote above.

Why is WW continuing to take the BC pills?

Occam's Razor says:

Probably for the same reason she initially started taking them.

[This message edited by totallydumb at 3:14 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

Why did she send you job applications? Did you recently agree to go back to work?

I thought you guys moved here because this new job paid more than both your combined previous salaries - and you guys agreed that one of you should stay home with the kids.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:15 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

The job thing has a feel of moving you in the direction of what her attorney has advised, to reduce her financial obligations to you.

I would tell her straight up how this looks.

^^^^^^ yep. Time will tell but that's not a good sign

The job thing has a feel of moving you in the direction of what her attorney has advised, to reduce her financial obligations to you.

I would tell her straight up how this looks.

I agree totally

The job thing has a feel of moving you in the direction of what her attorney has advised, to reduce her financial obligations to you.

100% this!

It is not a good look on her. It almost has an element of a threat to it in the current circumstances. I wouldn’t even acknowledge she sent them.

It is past time for your legal consult, Bahama. Go see a couple of lawyers to know where you stand.

Bahama,

- the birth control pills

- the manipulation, crying to get your sympathy and then you apologize.

- Consulting a D lawyer, now the job referrals

This is beginning to not look so good.

I realize you want to R, but start looking at the ACTIONS as opposed to the words from your WW.

I agree with totallydumb.

This isn't about why she's wanting to continue taking the BC. For crying out loud he's had a vasectomy and she got on the pills because she did NOT want to get pregnant by OM (and has admitted to this).

On top of that she freakin hid them in a different bottle!!

She's the one who got caught screwing around and lying for months and he's expressed a major concern on why she's still taking them and not even knowing where she's keeping them.

She expresses that she doesn't know what to do for him?? Well how about doing what you can to ease HIS concerns about these pills. First stop hiding them and how about setting up an appointment with her Dr and bring him with her so he can hear what the Dr has to say about it firsthand?

Instead of crying and turning all of this around and making her the victim.

Someone who's done what she's done should be bending over backwards to do whatever she can to address his trigger points and concerns.

She also sure does like to cry to manipulate you Bahama. I wonder how much crying she did when she was screwing OM and lying to you and in the midst of her long A?

k8la and faithful are nailing it here.

She wants you to get a job so that when you divorce her, her financials won't be hit as much.

She is still manipulating you, and not telling you what you need.

If you haven't hit a lawyer yet, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Even if you don't pull the divorce papers out, you need to get enough information about what the possibilities are so that you can plan.

I would BET she has already talked to one or more.

The end of last year when she expressed these feelings of being trapped we discussed the idea of me going back to work. This is a marital dynamic change that we were starting to explore before the A made it seem completely irrelevant to me for the time being.

The timing of the "hey here are some job possibilities for you" email is extremely poor. I think there are two possibilities for it. First is yes she's looking at D and wants to shift some financial damage away from her. The second and is actually what I think is happening is she's rug sweeping the A, wanting to fix our marital issues, and is selfishly focused on her being happy at my expense.

I have not doubt that I'll be going back to work down the road, but it damn sure won't be while I'm still in crisis mode here.

The affair continued, according to OM, right up until the day they both sent each other a NC email. That was March 3. So it continued for one full week after Bahama's confrontation. It continued after she saw an attorney. They have now..supposedly..been NC for 8 days.

And now she sends you some job listings.

I think it's likely they discussed how to handle their betrayed spouses (especially since OBS believes they coordinated their actions after she confronted her husband), while lining their ducks up.

Bahama, you need to see an attorney. Immediately. Her mask is slipping.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:06 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

Don't be surprised if the next thing is she needs to return to training for some reason - reduce her stress, to get the "normal" feeling again etc.

Believe the actions, ignore the words.

She defensively said my problem wasn't that she was taking BC but rather that she had had sex with another man.

Well, no kidding Mrs. Bahama... Sir, your wife is not R material. I wish you all the best in getting out of her infidelity. It seems that your optimally desired outcome gets farther away from you every day.

Bahama:

Trdd has given you some excellent feedback. Step back and take it one day at a time. Communicate with your WW before jumping to conclusions. As Trdd indicated there is a lot of feedback which is automatically interpreting everything your WW does as malevolent. These interpretations may or may not be true. It may seem like piling on your WW at times but the posters are sharing their experience. If you take the time to read other threads in the forum you will see the trend. Take your time and process the emotional trauma. Both you and your WW need to get into IC. It is easy to rugsweep or jump to conclusions but the hard and more beneficial path is in the middle. You seem like a smart guy, smart enough to figure out what’s going on. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Good luck.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:28 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

is her heart truly into Reconciliation Bahama? Full hearted? Ready to fight long term for you? This all feels half hearted at best to me.

Look her in the eyes and ask her where her heart truly is - not her head, you want to know about her heart. She OWES you that much at least. Tell her THE cruellest thing she could do now is to string you along on some hopeless attempt at reconciliation. Life is short and to be told in 5,10,15 years her heart was never really into it would be pure evil.

Currently she simply isn't a candidate for R. Maybe if she gets help she could possibly be in the future. but not at this time.

[This message edited by MrRadical at 4:51 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

Bahama I just read your update, and I'm angry for you. You ask her ONE thing. ONE thing. Its like your interactions are backwards. Your the betrayed. You should be getting support. Yet you comfort her while she still refuses to stop the Bc. Do you see how whacked this is? From your words you don't. I hope you replay last night and see it for what it is. You are worthy of so much more, please see that.

Also I find it almost miraculous that both cheating spouses arrive at "remorse" and NC within moments if each other. It doesn't pass the smell test to me. Just offering that its not unheard of for cheaters to come up with a 'shit we got caught' plan's. I could totally off base but damn the timing. I'm sorry your experiencing this GL.