SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When the emotions get too painful fall back on your logical mind. It literally saved me more times than I can count.

I think the IC would be good for her. I think it would be good for you too BTW.

She is mourning her fantasy world ending. You got that right. Some days you are there and hope the next will be better.

You are doing well despite the circumstances. I think you do need to learn to detach from her for awhile. You need some space to look at the forest too.

I've told you that I am a big fan of R, but not every M can be saved after infidelity. Cover your bases and hedge your bets. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Keep posting. It really does help to get it out sometimes.

(Bahama))

While doing some work around the house I has some clarity. I agree that I need to withdraw from her and focus on me. "Dragging her to R" is how I was feeling talking to her this morning. I was forcing her. Screw that. Bahama is ready to get on with his life. I know I'll have moments of weakness but damn it I deserve to be happy and true to myself. I do hope she will join me, but if not...? I can still have an awesome life. I won't have her if it's only going to be all about her happiness.

We are both going to IC. I went last week, she's this week. Next week we will be on spring break vacation with our girls at the beach. That should be interesting. I'm going to focus back on doing my "job" at home and being an awesome dad. I am a great dad. Even she knows this to be true.

I think I had fallen too far towards the "pick me dance" trap. I think it's important to let her know I'm not giving up on us yet and I hope we can work it out, but still not show dependence on her. I was trying to change my behavior to fix what she gave as justification for the affair. Screw that. I didn't cause that to happen. She did.

Feeling a little anger right now.

[This message edited by Bahama at 3:17 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

I am going to write something that you may not agree with but I think I’m echoing what a lot of people think. Going by what you wrote above in your latest exchange with your wife and if all that is exactly what was said (we are not privy to your talks cause we’re not there) your wife still has her head stuck up her ass. It’s all about “me, me and me” for her. She’s still in the fog. A massive London fog that looks never ending. She’s a selfish twat and she is happy for you to take the blame for the affair. She’s blame shifting. It’s pathetic. DO NOT ALLOW THIS. She’s rewriting the marriage to minimise the damage she’s caused. She’s feeling guilt. Not remorse. Massive difference and a huge barrier if you’re going to get through R. Your wife needs a reality check. You need to do a 180. This is not to show you’re a John Wayne type character but she’s treating you with contempt. She needs to snap out of her self pity to help YOU. You’re the victim. Not her! Good luck, dude. This is a long process. Pace yourself.

My impression from your posts is that her comfy little world is totally exploded. Her A is ended and blown up. AP threw her under the bus. Meanwhile, her BH is deeply hurt, marriage teetering on the brink, but she has spent months, or even years, convincing herself that BH is the source and root of all of her problems and therefore she has no idea at this point how to help him heal. Further, I think she stayed in the marriage simply because it was comfortable and convenient. There isn't a sense that she really desires you or the marriage, at least not in a way that she can express it.

Have you discussed D in detail with an attorney to understand how you (as a stay at home dad) would be impacted in terms of:

Child custody, child support, spouse support, and your home?

Bahama your last update was really hard to read, I honestly felt disgusted by her reaction and I honestly admire your patience, I'm glad you came to the realization that she's NOT truly remorseful like we have been telling you, way too soon for that, honestly all I read was the complaints of a selfish brat who doesn't have a clue of the depth of the damage she has caused and cares more about her reputation than healing you.

She resents you because you caught her cheating and destroyed her fantasy with AP, then told the truth family members asking for support, really !! all she had to do to prevent that was to remain a faithful wife and not jump in the sack with POSOM, give her another analogy and tell her it's like a bank robber caught inside the vault with a bag full of cash then resenting a reporter or a newspaper for publishing his/her face in the media.

Honestly, most of what she's been doing before and after Dday points to her desire to leave you for OM or at least an exit A to release herself from her trap (you). You are still living in infidelity, she's still pining for OM and admitted she would have continued the A if OM had not run back to his BW and thrown her under the bus, indicating that you are indeed plan B at best and should AP have a sudden change of heart and decided to D his wife all he had to do was to snap his fingers she would likely just dump you for him now that everyone knows anyway and she could eventually justify her their A as star crossed lovers and that she found true love.

You say you wished she would put in the effort to salvage your M and heal you, all her actions so far indicate she simply doesn't care enough and doesn't want to, she's still full of resentment, she still feels resentment that it was YOU that ruined her reputation (not her A), remember her words, you tried to destroy her, she admitted she doesn't trust you, I mean she has it all backwards, what exactly are you trying to save here ? at this point, she's not giving you much to work with, she doesn't want to do the work, she doesn't trust you, she's still, pining for OM, she resents you for telling the truth, she's making the effort to get you back to work after talking to her D attorney the very next day after confrontation, she doesn't want to read the books, she probalby has not apologized to your parents or got tested for STDs, she doesn't even want to stop BC despite insisting you get a vasectomy so that she could get off the very same BC pills and admitting she just resumed taking them to avoid getting pregnant by AP and so far refuses to get alternative meds to deal with her issues which didn't seem to be a problem before the A. I mean what if anything is she willing to do ? I would just simply file for D and only CONSIDER stopping it before it's final if she gets her head out of her ass, shows true remorse, agrees to do the heavy lifting to restore the M and signs a postnup in your favor.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:33 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:31 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

I can’t be the one who is chasing her to save our marriage. She has to want it more than even I do."

Bahama THIS!! See your getting it. If I were you, I'd add this statement to your journal or where ever you can see it daily (as a healthy reminder). I think your finding your strength, build on that. No matter how tiny that step is.

Bahama, before you do anything regarding a job or your living arrangements please, please, please consult a couple of lawyers. Knowing your options has to be your first priority for protecting yourself and your kids. Your WW certainly isn’t prioritizing your or their well being.

Follow your own advice and don't even think about getting a job now, you may want to consider getting one after you feel you have R'd successfully (make sure you demand a postnup in your favor) or after the D is final and child/spousal support has been settled.

I agree with all the others here.

You better develop an exit strategy.

She is not a reconciliation candidate.

See a Lawyer asap.

File for divorce.

Don't let her give you this bs she is spewing at you anymore.

Love yourself because you deserve better!

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 4:24 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Bahama,

You will never experience such a complexity of emotions. My advice to you is to proceed in a very simple manner towards divorce. If it ‘wakes her up’ then great - deal with that eventuality if it occurs. If it doesn’t, then being decisive is the most important step in healing.

Here’s another way to look at it - if it does end - and it’s likely that it does - then you need to start learning how to coparent now. Your kids and your own well-being are paramount at this exact moment in time.

She was your wife until she unilaterally decided to end the marriage. You didn’t find out about it until you discovered it so you have not had a chance to digest this. It’s like when people lose a limb and feel a phantom limb. Right now you are feeling a phantom marriage.

Beyond whatever happens here I hope that whatever path that you find yourself on ends in your and your children’s happiness.

I was the one who was hounding you about her reading "How To Help Your Spouse.....". You've approached that subject with her at least twice, probably more. She's reluctant. You can lead a horse to water.... You know the rest. Her reaction is very telling. She doesn't know what to do to help you and she doesn't want to know. Just buy her acting and get over it.

Doing the "pick me dance" isn't unusual. I sure did it. Tried to prove how I was so much superior to the POS even if it was 7 years after it was over. The solution is, firstly, to recognize it and, secondly, to end it. You are a way ahead of where I was so soon after DDay.

It's also not unusual to have vicious highs and lows, hold me and love me, get out of my life, R, D. It's the roller coaster.

Anger is good. Anger protected me. Anger is about undeservedly being seriously harmed in some way. Anger will help you if you don't let it get out of hand. I also had rage. Rage - not so good.

Have you been to see a lawyer yet, Bahama, to see what you're facing in the case of D. Knowledge is good. I don't see your WW as a good candidate for R. At least not right now. Find out what you're facing.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:32 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

I have a different approach you may think about considering. Your supposed to spend next week away with your WW and the children. Maybe ask your WW to stay home and think about how she plans on salvaging her family from her horrible actions. You deserve some space away from her after everything you have been through. You spend time with your children having fun without having the A hanging over your head. Ask her to join you at midweek on the vacation. If she has started to really put the work, the family should have some quality time together. You will have some time to relax away and then the family can enjoy time together as a whole.

Bahama, I think it is time for you to hears some brutal honesty. I'm sorry if this is harsh.

Posted by Bahama

I feel that she has built me up to her affair partner as this terrible person to her for so long that she doesn’t see the good I try to do for her and our family.

She doesn't give a shit.

She wants what she wants and that is to fly and run triathlons with a rich guy.

Posted by Bahama

I don’t feel she is concerned for me and what she has done for me.

She doesn't care that she betrayed you or_her_children_and_family. That is obvious by now. All she wants is her half-baked fantasy.

Posted by Bahama

She still has a vision of me as the bad guy despite my efforts to show her how much I care for her and how much I love her and want her to be happy.

She doesn't care how much you love her or how much you want her to be happy, unless that means you will let her fuck the other guy.

Posted by Bahama

I want her to be willing to do anything to save our marriage. I’m not convinced she will yet. I hope she will come around. I hope I can wait that long.

The translation of all of your efforts in the face of her cheating are "PLEASE PICK ME!!"

And it makes her dislike you more and respect you less each time.

***

Bahama, every time you comfort her when she whines and cries about how hard this all is FOR HER, every time you "ask" her to stop birth control cheater pills, every time you tell her how much you want to save your marriage, every time you tell her you'll do anything, she respects you less.

You have to stand up to her.

You have to stand up for yourself.

I don't know if she loves you anymore or not, but she definitely does not respect you.

You have to respect yourself. Or she never will.

***

You want to really dash her fantasy world? Set her free!

- The other man will leave her high and dry. She will be alone

- She'll have to suffer the financial impact.

- She'll either have to leave the kids with you or she'll have to pitch in a lot more.

- scheduling will take away her triathlons

- Her reputation will be dashed because everyone will know she is a cheater.

And maybe she will wake up! But honestly Bahama, do you really want her anymore?

I had the same thought as NoOptTo

I also think that you did well explaining to her how BC triggers you, it was well done. By having direct calm heart to heart conversation, it will allow you to understand where each of you stand. No need for suppositions and theories. It looks like you have a clearer understanding of where she’s at, at this point in time, and you can take decisions accordingly.

Your mind is realizing the reality of your situation. Give it time, and you will reach a rough but real conclusion- That she is already gone and has been for a good while.

Seriously...D papers. If she is still in the fog, they will snap her out...and if she isn't, you are getting the D anyway.

In your situation, somebody will take action as a leader and somebody is going to get reality imposed on them via the courts. Pick which person you want to be...the doer or the one who life is about to be done to.

I get the vibe that taking command and leading decisively may not be your thing...make it your thing. If you don't, you will be in for some hard painful events that will be done to you.

It's time for phase 2 of this. D papers...

If you give chase they tend to move farther away.

Go your own way. You can't make her do a thing anyway.

The first thing that popped into my mind after reading your latest updates is it reminds me of a child who just received a present from a parent and the other parent has to tell the child to say "thank you" and to go give them a hug.

I don't know about you but who wants that type of hug (Especially after told to do so)!!

In this case having to tell a grown ass woman what to do. Let her figure it out. She broke it and if it's important to her she'll figure out how to go about attempting to fix it. She's a freaking Dr for crying out so it's not like she's the village idiot.

Your wife is a master manipulator and her world sure does revolve around her.

She's basically throwing an adult tantrum like a toddler does in the aisle of a supermarket. Instead of trying to appease her to get her to shut the F up just move along and let her cry it out on her own. The minute she sees her crocodile tears won't get her what she wants she might wake the F up.

She is in NO way ready to be offered the GIFT at attempted reconciliation.

Your old marriage is dead!!!

Repeat....DEAD!!

If there's a remote possibility of creating a new relationship/marriage it has to be done the right way. No rugsweeping by her and she has to damn well take ownership of her F up(s) and do WHATEVER you need to heal and if she's even worth your time.

You're going to look back on this and you're going to want to look at yourself in the mirror and like who you see and that you had enough INTESTINAL FORTITUDE to STAND UP for yourself and not take ANY SHIT FROM HER.

2 X 4 coming.

Bahama she was SCREWING another man (someone you considered a friend) and she lied to you countless times. She needs to STOP rewriting the M history and take ownership of this HUGE BETRAYAL!!!

As pointed out no way in hell she should be going on this family vacation. Let her stay back and do the timeline and come up with a step by step plan of what she's going to do to try to make this work. Instead of crying all the time how about sitting back and seeing if she's willing to put any effort into this.

If I was a betting man, you telling her to stay home instead of the vacation, she'll fire off she's the one who's earned the $$ to pay for the trip and if anyone should stay home it is you.

I wish you well Bahama.