SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A number of members have taken information and direct quotes from Ladybugmaam’s thread to share here with Bahama. This is a guideline violation:

ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

Please post carefully and respect each members’ right to share their story within their own thread.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:34 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

You wanted your WW to read the book and she at last is doing that. This I view as a positive and I believe you should encourage her to continue reading it. You want actions and this is a positive one. You should tell her that after she finishes the book you would like to have you both read it together. This will allow you to emphasize areas that you particularly believe will help her understand what you are going through.

As I recall, the book does mention the possibility of a short separation, I think it was when the BS needed space and wanted the separation to get it. Except in that situation, I personally don't think separations are a good idea.

Separation is not a good idea with the WS is still in the fog. It gives them a chance to continue the affair. They’re not monitored.

All of this walking the dog...you reeeeally need to investigate if she has a burner phone.

Bahama, stop waiting for your WW. even though you are doing the 180, she will not feel any anxiety to move forward, as she feels that the train is till at the station, as nobody has called out the departure time.

You are still letting her control you, when you should be doing all the pace setting.

Part of this might be fear, and understandably so, but if you let fear rule you, you will get nothing done. Analysis to paralysis.

Bahama, before you do anything regarding a job or your living arrangements please, please, please consult a couple of lawyers.

Solid advice.

To add another pov, separation can benefit both betrayed husband and wife. It can also allow the cheating spouse time to take the affair underground. That's true whether if male or female.

Interesting that out of all of the recommendations in that book -- many of which center around the need for the WW to be transparent and disclose the details to the BH -- that is the one single recommendation she latched onto.

Bahama:

You know that your wife tried to manipulate you again, right?

Read this and learn, brother.

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

ETA: I don't think it is deliberate necessarily, but rather part of her somewhat childish emotional make-up.

Mods: This will be the third time I have posted this link and it was okayed the first two times.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 6:04 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

It sure sounds like she wants to D, but wants you to be the “bad guy” in the D. That got blown up when you turned on the light and the cockroaches scurried, and now she doesn’t know how or what to do to regain control.

Seeing a lawyer and educating yourself would be extremely wise.

She was gone for quite a while last night. I have no idea what she was doing. One guess is that she walked to the overlooks near our home and had some thinking/crying time. The other possibility is that all of you are correct and she's secretly contacting the AP. I have no evidence either way.

[This message edited by Bahama at 9:01 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

you’re seeing things more clearly now bahama. this is good.

keep taking care of you, and your kids.

it is up to her to make this right. she either will or she won’t.

knowledge is power and whether she does or doesn’t make it right, you are best served to gain that knowledge.

keep posting here, we’re rooting for you.

...if she'd "known I hated dogs so much before we got married, she...

It sounds like it's very important for her to not be in the wrong.

Her rationalization hamsters are running overtime trying to help her not feel like the bad guy in this. Right now that may be an important coping mechanism for her. The poor hamsters just don't have much material to work with because you have done nothing wrong.

Good job not tolerating her dumb excuses. Stay strong. Your strength and resolve are your greatest assets for both you and your kids.

You can have the D bomb all ready to go. All paperwork filled out, ready to file and serve. Just don't drop it until it's time; or maybe never. If she really comes around, you two can have a paperwork burning party and exchange rings again to commemorate the start of your new marriage. (the old one is dead and gone)

[This message edited by ARock at 7:50 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

Bahama, you're not even a month out from DDay. You're doing great. Amazing your clearheadedness at this point. I could hardly talk or think at that stage. It may not seem like it to you but you are.

I don't remember much of my first month. I remember puking, dry heaves, fetal position wailing. Nothing clearheaded.

You are gaining control. There will be ups and downs and uncertainty and indecision. Acknowledge them and get back on course. Hang in here with us.

She wisely didn't answer that question from me but just stared at me.

My XW would do this, usually as a result of me doing something similar to what you did Bahama.

I often wondered if she had a moment of "getting it" or a look of bewilderment meaning "My husband doesn't understand me"

It didn't take long for the truth to come out, as to what it meant for her, just watch her actions, ignore most of what she says.

You will come to understand what her look means soon too. Keep detaching, so you can see things clearly.

Have a good day!

I strongly believe that in order for reconcilation to be successful, the Wayward needs to do the heavy lifting. They need to do the work on themselves and they need to try to heal the betrayed and the marriage. At this point, your wife hasn't even found enough remorse to take responsibility for the A. Perhaps she'll get there, perhaps not. The question is, how long are you willing to wait?

I don't think you need to file for Divorce but meeting with an attorney is an excellent idea. At least know what your options are and prepare yourself for the process. Any way you look at it, you're in for a long, shitty road.

Bahama, you mentioned a few posts back about an email your wife wrote to OM about you ignoring her tears. At the time, you said you had no recollection of the incident. Is this still the case? If so, is it possible that this incident was fabricated by her in an attempt to get sympathy from her lover?

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:33 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Looks more and more like an exit affair now, except that she is busted and the AP has thrown her under the bus. So she is angry and mean. Thus her sniping at you, all the little justifications that she had are coming out. With her midnight walks I wonder if there is another AP? It's horrible thought but when she has been actively seeking a way out it could be that she is trying another route.

Hi Bahama

Many BS’s take time to realize that if it’s not the WS driving the work to repair the M then Reconciliation is less a possibility.

I don’t think you have to file for D right away, but it’s good to know the mechanics of it.

You are not doing anything wrong. You love your wife. Your heart is breaking. You are a loving person and acting like one.

But to me (and I’m only getting this from your posts) your wife is immature about what marriage and parenting means.

You’re young but it seems she’s having an early midlife crisis about not being able to do or afford anything she wants because of finances or kid responsibilities. That’s very immature thinking.

Also, she chose a hobby/activity that keeps her away from her husband and kids quite often due to training and competing. And additionally chose a good looking successful businessman as her training partner, something that most mature marriage partners would see as bad steps to take if they truly care about their marriage and protecting it.

You have been holding up your end of the bargain by managing the kids and the home successfully. You have dreams too, but realize the life limitations that can keep them from happening.

It feels like she came from a family that never said NO to her wants and requests. Might that be the case? It’s hard for me to tell from only your few dozen posts.

So what will true Remorse look like. It will be her telling you that she loves you and only you and no one else (I can’t remember if you have heard words like those yet).

It will be her telling you that she’d like to create a life with you where the major activities she does with YOU and not another man. That she wants to share that with you. The fun things like training together for a goal should be the good part of being married.

It may be that she says she understands that you each need to work on yourselves and once she finally has a greater understanding of what has caused her to make the poor choices she did she asks if you are willing to recommit to a marriage that is a true partnership and rebuild it.

That eventually would include discussing how much you each work and how much you each parent to maximize happiness and time connecting with each other and the kids.

But while she is in blame mode this will never happen. So as so many of us have hoped you would get to, focus on you for a while not her. Let her drive her own ship in recovery.

If she reads that book, then sure, discuss with her the chapters that resonate with you (you should actually read it too). But she needs to be the one requesting talks with you. She’s the one that should be asking for and planning alone time with you. Not the other way around.

I’m hopeful that you have woke to the true dynamic here that will decide your path to that great life you deserve with or without her.

I’d like to give you one piece of homework i hope you will consider doing.

Re-read this thread from the beginning. Every post.

When a BS’s thinking changes a bit, there’s usually advice in the early days after DDay that didn’t mean as much to him then as it does now. So go back and see what you were being told and I bet you find some helpful nuggets that now resonate with you. I think you will.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:39 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

It's really outrageous that she's going out spending hours unaccounted for at this point. She is showing you where her priorities lie.

Nothing wrong with waiting a few days until the vacation and not disrupting that for your kids. Major life decisions don't need to be made overnight. Just keep viewing her actions through the lens of someone who has broken her marriage vows and wounded her life partner . . . don't let her convince you that crumbs are a full meal.