Bahama,
The posting of hyperlinks is very much discouraged, but I found this online and I think it would be a timely read for you:
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The Best Way to Deal With Controlling People
No one should have to fit someone else's reality. There's a way out.
If someone defines you, even in subtle ways, they are pretending to know the unknowable. There is a quality of fantasy to their words and sometimes to their actions. Even so, they are usually unaware of the fact that they are playing “let’s pretend.” They fool themselves and sometimes others into thinking that what they are saying is true or that what they are doing is right. When people “make up” your reality—as if they were you—they are trying to control you, even when they don’t realize it. —Evans, Patricia (2009), Controlling People (p. 58). Adams Media.
Control is a big problem in relationships—romantic, professional, familial, friendship. When people control you, they “make up” your reality, as Evans puts it. They don’t respect you the way you are. They want to change you, make you different, more similar to the image they have or want to have of you. They want to make you fit their reality, so they don’t have to face the fact that their reality may be wrong.
Control can be ever so subtle, hidden behind the pretense of help, advice, a suggestion, or a joke. But it is none of those things—it is a conscious or subconscious attempt to rip out your soul and put in a new one: The one they created.
If you recognize controlling people and stand up to them, then the controller loses. He or she fails to replace your inner self with the one they created.
The problem is: Most people do not know how to recognize controlling people. Why? Because most controllers are expert, and subtle in their approaches. They have refined their techniques over many years, and they take over your life when you least expect it. And then the real you is gone, or at least hidden away. It can take some people years to rediscover their true selves after leaving a controller’s orbit.
Evans asks us to consider the following case of a controlling husband:
At a farmer’s market on a recent Saturday morning in a nearby town, I stood in line behind a well-dressed elderly couple waiting to buy corn. When their turn came I heard the woman ask for two dozen ears of corn. They were being sold at three ears for a dollar. She handed over two ten-dollar bills. When she received her change, she expressed surprise because it included one of the ten-dollar bills. “Wow! I didn’t think I’d get this much back for twenty-four ears,” she said, laughing. “Guess it’s too early in the morning to figure it.” Suddenly everyone’s attention was riveted on the man with her, as he shouted angrily, “She can’t even count the goddamn change!” The woman, seemingly as shocked by his roaring declaration as were the bystanders, was silent. But she seemed stunned. [...] As I thought about the incident, I found it most significant that the husband [...] pretended that his wife couldn’t count change and acted as if that “fact” appalled and infuriated him. Moreover, it seemed as if he were restricted in some way from finding out if what appalled him might not be true. —Evans (2009), Controlling People (p. 103).
A grumpy husband, a Saturday morning at a farmer’s market. “Poor woman,” we might think. But most of us fail to realize that her husband wasn’t just a little grumpy. He had long ago replaced the inner self of his wife with his own fantasy of someone who couldn’t even count the change.
Controllers are hard to spot and can turn the tables on you. As Evans points out, “when a Controller hears a plea such as, ‘Please don’t talk to me like that,’ the Controller will usually say something like, ‘I don’t need to be attacked like that,’ or, incredibly, ‘You’re trying to control me,' or, ‘I don’t know why you have to start a fight just when everything’s going fine.’" (Evans 2009. Controlling People, p. 128).
Or they might make up excuses for their behavior: “It was well meant”; “I was just giving you some advice”; “If you want to accomplish all the things you say you do, then you really ought to think about how you behave”; “If I don’t tell you, no one else will”; “Come on, I was just kidding.”
People who are under the spell of a controller are often just that—under a spell. They may start believing the story the controller tells them, and then they can no longer find themselves within the collection of illusions that he or she has installed in them.
Still, waking up from the spell and finding one's true self can be done, if one is willing and courageous enough to find his or her own boundaries and find a way to separate reality from fiction.
As Evans puts it:
If they are willing, the Spellbound can awake from their dream world by seeing the spell for what it is, and by remembering how they fell under it. By courageously facing their separateness and trusting in their true connectedness, they can find the strength to stand on their own two feet, apart from the other. If they accept the reality of their interconnectedness as well as the reality of their separateness, they can, with this two-fold awareness, begin to render possible what had before seemed impossible. They can break the spell’s influence over them. And they can bring awareness to others. —Evans (2009), Controlling People (p. 251).
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I took the liberty of putting parts of the piece in bold, where I thought they are particularly relevant.
Here is another useful 'checklist' type article:
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Six Things Controlling People Do and How to Deal with Them
Controlling people can be found in all areas of life. Controlling relationships can be romantic or platonic. You can find them in the workplace, at home or even in passing interactions with strangers on the street.
Being around controlling people can be extremely emotionally draining, leaving you stressed out and confused. Take a step back and assess all the relationships you have in your life. Do any of them leave you feeling suffocated or distressed? Is there someone you feel you have to tip-toe around or always consider how best to please them?
If you answered yes to the above, then you may have controlling people within your life.
A controlling person shouldn’t be confused with a forceful personality, it is more about how they make you feel. If they are a big character but allow you to totally be yourself, then they may not be a controlling person.
The following 6 signs will help you distinguish if you have controlling people within your life:
1. Their behaviour is inconsistent.
Controlling people often manipulate others by making them feel like they are ‘everything’ for a short amount of time. They may flatter you, compliment you or even buy you gifts.
Be wary though, as this praise and affection can quickly change to belittling and bullying. The inconsistency is confusing because you’re not sure where you stand with someone. This puts you on the backfoot and gives the other person the control they desire.
2. They don’t accept responsibility for their mistakes.
Controlling people often have a problem with the words ‘no’ and ‘sorry’. They won’t take no for answer because they are determined to have their way. As a result, controlling people often excel in corporate environments where they climb a career ladder without concern for people around them.
Similarly, controlling people struggle with saying sorry in a genuine capacity. This is because saying sorry would suggest that they were in the wrong and put them in a weaker social position.
3. They want you all to themselves.
A classic sign of a controlling person is that they want you all to their self. They may suggest that you ‘don’t need anyone else’ and gradually isolate you from other friends and family.
This creates a co-dependency over time that leaves you in a position where you are more susceptible to being controlled. This behaviour is especially common in romantic relationships with controlling people.
4. They want to change you.
Controlling people almost treat other people like ‘projects’ and will often want to change you into the person that suits them best.
For example, perhaps they want someone to accompany them to trendy parties. They may start suggesting you dress in certain ways that suit them and make them feel good. This not only knocks your self-confidence but after time, will make you question your own identity and self-worth.
5. There is always someone else.
Controlling people often hedge their bets and keep several people close to them. Not only does this mean that there are more people to control, but it puts others in a vulnerable position. If the controlling person isn’t getting their way, they can threaten to leave and focus their attention on someone else.
Suddenly, they may start ignoring your calls because they are busy with someone else. This leaves you feeling needy and again more susceptible to being controlled.
6. They’re jealous.
Jealousy is often the most obvious sign of weakness in a controlling person. They hate the thought that someone else could have your attention. They may try and sabotage your relationships with other people by telling you that they are no good for you or by starting rumours about the other person. If this is ignored, it can provoke a controlling person into more extreme behaviour.
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Here is another useful piece:
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10 Diversion Tactics Manipulative People Use to Silence You
Many times people who were in a relationship with manipulative people did not realise it until they left it.
Only then, when they looked back objectively, did it become clear the extent of how much they had been degraded.
This is because we try to make sense of manipulative people, such as narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths, by our own standards of behaviour. But they do not follow societal rules, and as such, employ a range of tactics that confuse and distort our sense of reality.
Here are ten of them:
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of mental manipulation in which the perpetrator uses emotional and psychological methods of intimidation to convince his or her victim that they are going insane.
The term comes from the 1938 film Gas Light, where a husband wants to drive his wife mad and dims the gas lights in their house, but tells his wife she has imagined it. He uses this and various other methods to convince her she is going crazy.
2. Projection
Manipulative people often use projection as a way to deflect from their own shortcomings. Projection is a way of putting the emphasis on another person and highlighting (or making up) a negative aspect of their partner’s behaviour.
For example, a husband might be having an affair but instead of apologising to his wife, he may call up her clingy behaviour as the reason for his affair. A sacked employee might blame their work colleagues and say she was constantly picked on.
3. Frustrating conversations
Ever had a conversation with someone that ended up in you walking off, absolutely dazed and confused, wondering what the hell just happened? You’ve probably been chatting to a narcissist or a psychopath.
These types of manipulative people use words like bullets in order to steer you away from any truth they don’t want you to know. Especially if you happen to be challenging them. They will do everything in their power to confuse, distract and frustrate you from knowing the truth.
4. Moving the goal posts
A manipulative person doesn’t actually want you to succeed in anything and therefore they will do their utmost to make sure this doesn’t happen. They will move the goal posts in order to see you fail. Once this has happened they can then be justified in their disappointment in you. Even if you reach their expectations time and time again, be prepared for the goal to be higher than you realised. It is their way of saying to you that you will never be good enough in their eyes.
5. They change the subject
A narcissist will always want to be the topic of conversation unless they are in some sort of firing line, so this changing the subject works in two ways. If you are boring them by talking about yourself for too long, they will quickly bring the topic back to themselves. For example – talking about the march you went on to support Gay Rights? They had a friend who died for the cause.
If they are being held accountable for some misdemeanour, however, they will want to get off subject immediately, and it will be at your expense. Talk about them not holding a job for a while and they will bring up the hideous way your mother treated them at a birthday party and how are they supposed to work after that?
6. Love-bombing and devaluation
Manipulative people shower you with affection, attention and adoration until you are hooked. The minute you are, however, and you start to think that you have the beginnings of a great relationship, they turn stroppy.
All the things they did at the beginning of the relationship, the constant texting, phone calls, meeting up at weekends, all instigated by them by the way, are now classed as weird behaviour by you and you are the one being clingy and needy.
7. Triangulation
Adding a third person into the mix that agrees with the abuser against you is another favourite trick of toxic and manipulative people.
They use this third person to validate their own abusive behaviour and often disguise it as joking but in their eyes they mean it. The third person will see it as light-hearted banter and go along with it, not knowing the full extent of the abuse. The abusive person does this mainly so that the victim is left questioning themselves.
8. Cruel comments disguised as jokes
Don’t you hate it when someone says a really cruel thing about someone and then covers it up by saying ‘Only joking!’ To me, that is such as cop out.
Using this method is a licence to be nasty without anyone calling you out on it, because if you do you are then labelled as precious or sensitive, or you can’t take a joke. Really this is verbal abuse and should be called out whenever it is seen.
9. Condescending and patronising
Even though the toxic person will constantly have temper tantrums and probably deserve to be spoken to in a condescending way, it is they that speak to their victims in this manner.
Of course, it is a form of control and shaming their victims and they take great delight in doing it not only in public but in private too. They use patronising speech to silence and intimidate you into losing your confidence. And it is a Catch 22 situation, as the less confidence you have, the less patronising they have to do. It is a win-win for the abuser.
10. Control
At the end of the day, it is all about control for the manipulative abuser. They ultimately want complete control over you. They want to isolate you from your friends and family, control your money and freedom, make sure they know exactly who you spend time with (if anyone) and, most importantly, have control over your mental health.
This is more often than not via their moods. You might never know what mood they will be in on a day to day basis, or what sets them off. It could be something different every day, making it virtually impossible to keep them happy.
They can manufacture an argument out of thin air which leaves you feeling tense and uncomfortable in your own living space.
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It does not take a lot to pick out examples of this kind of behaviour in your wife's recent actions.
On the plus side, there are a lot of resources out there to help deal with controlling people, and if you have time during the day, perhaps you can go online and explore them.
You are not alone, Bahama. A lot of people are rooting for you.
