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[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:38 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

May your WW see through your daughters' eyes that the Bahama's are worth fighting for

Jsmart: As much as I agree that I too want Bahamas' WW gets her act together and fights for their M, if she is only going to come to that realization due to a Florida trip (and I mean no offense to your beautiful state), but not because of her fear of losing him for what he had been even before that, I'd say she isn't worth to be offered R.

There is no difference in you being a Dad being home with the kids, then there is a stay at home Mom.

I think you need to think about your wife’s self entitlement. She at a gucess is very type A. For Gods sake she is a doctor and your allergic and she is buying one with out talking to you. That is a safety issue.

Your wife regrets getting caught and has no remorse for her actions. You ask her to sleep on the couch she can’t for her own reasons. You find out about the birth control pills and she is incensed you see it as a betrayal.

I am truly sorry but she only has regret. You can not reconcile with a remorseless spouse. Have you ever thought she maybe narcissist?

She certainly has no empathy for you, handing you a horrible trauma and the week before you go on vacation she sends you job listings twice. I think in her mind, you are less then her for doing the very thing she wanted you to do.

I don’t think you should look for a job until your able. I think you should go on the trip. The first one we went on I triggered the whole time. I know Devotednpman usually suggests reading no more Mr Nice guy. Perhaps you should read that.

I understand you saying sorry I hurt your feelings you were taught that. However, when you tell her that it is in my opinion taking back your true feelings.

I have a spouse who did happy endings, and wondered around mooning over his ex SIL, flirting and hiding there Facebook flirting. She was just not into him, she is into her husband cousin. I told him he didn’t get to be the victim. I was a trauma patient and he stabbed me with all his betrayals. Your wife continues to stab you even about a dog.

This isn’t about traditional roles, it is right out of the cheaters handbook.. she is feeling sorry for herself, wants to rugsweeping it or sweep you out the door.

Take your time get your ducks in a row. Watch her actions, they speak louder then words.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 11:58 AM, March 15th (Friday)]

I may be mistaken, but I haven’t read anywhere that the WW is a doctor. Bahama said she worked in the medical profession. I think it makes a difference only in that it would impact our advice re: finances etc. I think ER doc and assume 300,000 grand a year. If we’re talking nurse or nurse practitioner, then maybe 60-90 grand a year.

Keyword seach from Bahama's posts:

Posted: 7:14 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)

My wife is an ER medical provider.

Posted: 12:51 PM, March 10th (Sunday)

... she works in an ER ...

I do not see any specific reference to "doctor."

My mistake. The Dr word came from the other thread. So sorry. Actually it is now blanked out on the first page of the thread.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 3:19 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

Thankfully he and mods edited out the personal info, Bahama put a little too much out there.

I want to clarify my position on the get a job thing. And I think some will agree with me. I think Bahama should get a job not because she wants him to. I dont give a shit what she wants at this point (or says she wants). But because he is more economically dependant on her without one, and with her actions, that might not be a good idea. It would really suck if she just up and decided to divorce and leave him scrambling to find a job quickly. I could be projecting. But after 3 years of this crap, I am financially dependant on my husband and I wish I wasnt. I feel trapped and at the mercy of what he decides to do (stay faithful or not). If he doesnt, I literally cannot kick him out. I have neither the skills or opportunities where we live to support myself and our kids unless i want to be on every form of welfare that exists.

It has nothing to do with bahama being a man, for me anyway. I would tell a sah bw the same thing. Plus, as long as he is a sahd, how does he know that she isnt just staying in the marriage because its cheaper? I know if it was me, that would always be in the back of my mind.

If you love being a sahd, could you instead be a wahd? Thats what I am working toward - building my own business, so that if this marriage doesnt work out, i will be okay financially.

Just a thought.

Maybe she wants him to get a job so that his income will offset any financial settlement the court may impose in a divorce scenario.

As a SAHD, in most states he would be due for substantial support.

Based on everything else she has said and done I don't think that can be ruled out.

[This message edited by whatIknowNow at 6:20 AM, March 16th (Saturday)]

You know - the tragedy in all this is the gaslighting.

First we get gaslit by the WS who tells us our perceptions aren't accurate or reliable.

Then we come here, and get told our perceptions aren't accurate or reliable.

Learning to trust our gut sense of a situation is a two-fold process of learning to not be naive, and at the same time, not cave into pressure to see the world according to survivors - the voice of experience. Learning to be less trusting is not a natural reflex but it's necessary.

At the same time, finding my inner voice of "I know this to my core" to shut down the naysayers was the hardest skill of all. At the risk of taking it all on the chin if I'm wrong. But that's how we learn and learn to survive in all this.

Trust your gut. Prepare to be wrong. Balance both skills and you become a survivor and a thriver!

How are you Bahama? You haven’t posted in a while and we are concerned for you. Hope your wife is beginning to turn things around and she begins to be remorseful. We are here to help.

Mene Bahama said in his 14 March post that they were going on a preplanned family vacation to Florida for 2 weeks. From memory I think he was going to use this time as a truce period with his WW.

Given the intensity of the 40 pages of posts from him and the members he may want a 'time out' from SI during his vacation.

I'm still here and still breathing.

Yes, I wanted to take a little time out from SI to see how that affected my head. We are in FL on vacation until this weekend. It's a little awkward and strange, but so far things are okay. I did tell my W that I hoped we could call a pause to deep discussions about the A during our family vacation. So far, it's been minimal.

How am I doing? Well, I've actually had a few decent days when I can keep busy and exercise. I'm eating semi-normal again and sleeping okay. I do keep having nightmares and waking up in a panic. Heavy breathing, shakes, and confusion at first. My W immediately holds me and calms me down. I'm still on the roller coaster of emotions. Mostly sadness and pain, but occasional glimpses of hope. My anger has settled down although it could still trigger at any moment. Just trying to get through the week, have fun with my kids, and reflect on where to go from here and what I want. I'm currently reading Healing from Infidelity. It's eerie. The author is describing exactly how I feel and am thinking. It makes me feel normal.

My W is still showing me that she cares and is sorry. Remorse? I'm not sure. She's not the best at disclosing her feelings. It's not her style to grovel so I'm having a hard time reading her at times. She seems sad. She's currently reading Not Just Friends and says it's really helping her understand some things. I don't think there is any danger of her returning to the AP. I think she is slowly waking up to the reality of what she has done. We have a lot of work to do. I'm still raw. Time will tell. I go to IC next week and am also meeting with another attorney just to be prepared. She is expressing interest in MC. She shuts down when I express anger and I've done that more with her in the last three weeks than our whole marriage. I think she see's a MC as someone who could moderate a discussion without fear of me attacking her. My read of her actions are that she does still love me but honestly perhaps doesn't believe she is worthy of my love in return now.

This is all so hard.

Thx for the update. Many will reccomend rlthat she does IC before MC. If you choose to do MC sooner, you need to approve the counselor. Make sure that the counselor will hold her accountable for her actions. Is not into rugsweeping her actions. The A is 100% on her. If she feels that having a third person present, fine. But blame shifting, stonewalling, and rugsweepingbare not to be committed.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:38 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

BH here.

Your WW will take some time to get past her affair. Once OM is out of her head, she will start to think more clearly.

It is important for you to start doing things to bolster your own emotional independence. Maybe for now you agree with her to not talk anymore about the affair until you have both gone through IC.

You both need it, before MC. Her head is not on right at the moment and MC would be a waste of time.

In the meantime, work on yourself, stay healthy, be positive and start getting to a place where you will be alright with or without her. It won't hurt you to stop chasing her and be the emotionally aloof one for the foreseeable future.

Be cautious not to project feelings or intentions on to your WW.

Only watch her actions.

Thanks for the update, have fun with the kids, keep busy and hit the gym when you return, what you're feeling is completely normal, as far as your WW, let her read the books, I recommended "Not just friends" pages ago and I think it could help her a lot, however like we always say, watch her actions not just her words. The concensus here on SI is that MC is a waste of time and money before IC, and make sure you find a counselor that specializes on infidelity and who is not going to rugsweep or even blame you in part of her A (yes we often read that here too). The attorney consult is wise, ask him about a postnup in your favor and if it's enforceable in your state, I would make that a condition to R (in case you eventually D, more alimony/spousal support for longer, you keep the house, at least 50/50 custody, etc.) remember we are all here to support you, whether you ultimately decide to R or D.

Good to hear that you are still around and taking things one day or is it one moment at a time.

IIRC she works in the ER, if she is a doctor in my experience doctors, lawyers and cops are very slow to accept advice from anyone. They are more comfortable giving advice and being sure of themselves, because others rely on that.

Hope that she does IC and MC without trying to outsmart the therapist like my XWW did

Sounds like she is not 100% in the fog but might not be ready to be 100% in the marriage. Don't forget her immediate reaction on Dday was to go see a lawyer....

Good luck B.

PS. Good update but did you see at the end you made her the victim again? The lost soul who is not worthy of your love...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 4:22 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Hi Bahama

Good to hear from you. I hope you can at least enjoy some relaxation for yourself and also enjoy time with the kids.

I’m glad you decided to try and make it a recovery talk-free zone for the most part so you can get your strength back and some mental wellness.

Two quick things I’m going to recommend:

1- ask her to take notes in each chapter of Not Just friends. Just 2-3 lines of what was important to her in each chapter. Then have a very quick discussion about those points and how they can relate to your relationship, past, present and future.

2- Tell her you are willing to go to MC with her, but only if you each get a dozen sessions (three months) of IC under your belt. Do you think she’d be willing to do that? If she’s not, that’s a bit of a red flag as she really needs to drill down on her why’s and also learn how to help you heal before that work can start.

Anyway, just my two thoughts from your post.

How long will you be away? Enjoy it the best you can.