SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bahama- I hope you stick around, but I understand why it feels like you have been exposed again.

Your are in my thoughts and hope you are able to enjoy some time with your kiddos.

I would recommend switching to PMs with a few people who have provided you helpful support and advice so far. Your wife cannot be trusted to have your back at this time so she shouldn't be privy to your vulnerabilities.

Bahama, my WH discovered my handle on SI and started reading all my threads. I was devastated and felt extremely violated initially, and it really affected the way I posted here.

I don't think the mods will delete a thread for you, I understand your request and I want you to know I feel for you.

My point in posting is that in the end it really did not matter for me. The sinking pit in my stomach eventually went away. What happened was my WH started reading here. When I learned he was reading not only what I posted but also the analysis and advice I was getting, he sort of lost his mind. All his defenses were being shot down by the commenters on my thread.

I told him if we were going to reconcile he had to establish a profile here and post in the wayward forum. He did. He got feedback he didn't like. He posted twice more, got more feedback he didn't like. So he stopped posting. Well that sort of made clear he wasn't into fixing himself.

The advice: watch what they do, not what they say. If your WW is reading here against your wishes, well then, that sort of shows you where she's at, doesn't it?

Our reconciliation was doomed because he wasn't remorseful. It wasn't because of SI. He really just wanted out of the M so he could have a bunch of mistresses without feeling guilty. SI provided a great white light on his attitudes and behaviors.

If you don't want your WW to read here, tell her so. Tell her to stop. If she won't stop, that tells you something.

Very likely that WW found it by chance. if i login daily, this website comes up every time I click on the search bar, regardless of what I want to search, and with a telling name, it sure enough caught her attention. Has she used your laptop/tablet?

If she found it, delete all your comments and let her read others’ opinions.

Mods can correct me if I'm wrong but deleting all your comments isn't allowed in the forum guidelines. Contact a mod if you need to get clarity on that.

It is against guidelines to delete comments. Deleted comments will be restored.

Bahama, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know this isn't how you expected your vacation to go

The truth will set you free, Bahama. If you've been honest here, then her reading this thread is all good. She has decades of experience manipulating you. Not us. We've collectively seen it all, and are (too?) jaundiced. What we've written here, she should read. Because that is how she is actually thought of, not how she wishes to be thought of.

I wish you both the best.

Sending strength!

Bahama

You clearly have a self-involved narcissistic type wife. She knows she is financially screwed if you leave her. I would think long and hard about divorcing this woman and finding one capable of really loving you and the fact that your WW will have to pay you to do it is just the cherry on top.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 8:52 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

I just want to say you’ve done nothing wrong.

It might be hard for her to read the posts here, but you have always been respectful of her. This is an anonymous forum designed to help people in your exact situation.

Honestly if your WW has read or is reading this forum then good. You've been respectful of her and open about the pain she has caused you. She needs to see that and really understand it. If she is playing a game here where she intends to pick back up with the OM at some point or is actually still in the A as some suspect maybe seeing the devastation she has caused will help her do the right thing here and just end it. Stop making you go through this hell so you can start your healing.

The best thing my wife ever did in the beginning was to read these forums.

I would imagine the last thing the OBS would need or want is her WH's OW reading about her vulnerabilities and getting a bird's eye view of her marriage and her WH.

I hope you are doing okay Bahama. This all must be overwhelming.

Hang in there, one day at a time. Sending you good vibes.

Maybe I’m confusing posters, Bahama, but I thought towards the beginning of the thread you shared with your WW some pieces of the healing library and/or purposely left SI up on your screen so she could see it, and when you came back to the computer it looked like she’d read some of it? If that was you, then she probably took note of the site back then, saw it had forums, and looked for your post? I hope you decide to stay, but agree with others that you should at least PM with some helpful posters. Wishing you the best.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:17 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

I hope you and your family were able to finish your week away on a positive note Bahama. You have have been through hell and back over the past few weeks. You have handled yourself well and in a respectful way. So now your WW has found your thread of the pain that solely she has caused. The killing of your marriage. Yet you keep.trying to R even with her continued selfish wayward thinking.

Now it's up to her, your WW, to figure, do I stonewall you. Blameshift you. Gaslight you. Or do I finally wake up and admit my faults and begin to do what is needed through my actions to try and save our marriage. All you have to do is stand by and watch her actions. You are a loving husband and father to your children. You are worth more then what your WW has done to you a d your marriage vows. She needs to start making ammends for destroying the marriage through action. Not words. She has voluntarily take steps to make you feel safe. To help heal you. You cant help her til you feel safe with her again. That is just a cross she has to bare. If she wants to her marriage to survive she will. Her earlier were ones of selfishness and protection of her ego. Not one of a remorseful spouse.

I hope you return with her blessing or not. You deserve all the support you can get to get out of infidelity whether through R or D. And, this site with all the anomalous people can and will help you through either path you choose to get out of infidelity and back to being yourself.

I have read through all of this and my heart goes out to the BS, the OBS, and the kids involved. I am so sick of the selfish WS that care nothing about their families to be able to do what they do!

I hope that you, Bahama, quit catering to your selfish WW and stand up for you and your children who need you to exhibit strength for them. They need you to force her out of this fog by not enabling her. I hate to see this, but I see you enabling her quite a bit by pitying her. You should not be apologizing or feeling sorry for your WW. SHE chose to do this. It is her bed. If she won't grow up, how can she help you raise those babies? And I have a true problem with WWs with young children. The OW in my case had three very young ones. What kind of mother cares so little for her babies and chooses to desert them and spend time with a MM instead? Your WW needs to face her issues and deal with them. As a BW, I see you being so soft with her and it might just push her further away. She is acting like a selfish toddler and you are babying her. Are you that lenient with your children? Do you allow them to walk all over you? Or do you have boundaries? Your WW does not need your sympathy. She sought attention from another man just like a toddler does things for attention. You have to address it and stand up to her. When a child throws a temper tantrum, I hope you don't go pick her up and say, "Aw, honey, what's the matter. What can daddy do to help?" No, you should stand firmly against what they are screaming for. You don't give them the toy they are screaming for. If you do, that REINFORCES the bad behavior.... Don't make excuses for her. And it worries me because you seem to trust her. She abused your trust and betrayed you in the most awful way. She is all about herself and has shown she does not care about your needs. She is still abusing your trust. Be careful..... Take control.....

When I suspected things were crossing the line with the OW, I told my WH he had to fire her. He hesitated because I didn't know the truth. I didn't realize they were having a PA. I just saw things that concerned me and I felt that the only way to save what we had that she had to go. There I was telling him to fire her and he was worried if he fired her, she would tell me. I told him that it was her or me and he was going to have to leave if he didn't fire her. I also told him that I had loved him for him, not his money. He had nothing when we got together (he was 14 and I was 13). He was not from a wealthy family and he didn't have any means that I saw to become wealthy. It was us, together, that built what we had. I talked him into applying for the job he really didn't want when we first got married but then it became a career and he is now a business owner. I told him that he was going have to wonder why someone was going after him and it was probably for his money, not for him. The look he gave me was priceless. He had not considered that she was using him for his money.... I never begged him to stay. I was not going to be a doormat. He was out of the fog by that night and asked me if he stayed and fought for our marriage would I work on it. I told him I couldn't promise that because I didn't know what I was dealing with. And I didn't know what I was truly dealing with until I found the emails 4 months later that revealed the PA.

I've been walking this for over 3 1/2 years. I'm going through the 4th A season. I'm nowhere near healed. As I said, he fired her and I really believe it ended then but I didn't know it had been a PA for months. When I found out, I bought the books and he read them but he didn't set out following all the steps. I made the mistake of not demanding. But I felt I shouldn't have to. If he wanted to help me heal, he had read all the books and he knew what he needed to do. I believe that if he really loved me and wanted me to be healed, he would have done everything he read that needed to be done. Oh, he tries like he can try. He is just such a coward and so fearful that I know he is not being fully honest with me. He is a narcissist and I am sick of dealing with the narcissism. I'm just existing currently. But I do not allow him to rugsweep. I'm not allowing him to move on and forget what he has done without working on everything. He claims he loves me and will never leave me. He says he is fighting with everything he has but I see otherwise. I just know, for me, that it was a dealbreaker. Why do I want to be with someone who got pleasure from hurting and destroying me? What kind of person does that?

At some point, you are going to hit the anger stage..... I think right now you are still in such shock. It is such a rollercoaster. I'm so sorry this happened to you, to all of us on here. It's the worst thing I have ever been through and I cannot believe people who claimed to love and cherish us put us through this with little to no consideration as they seem to claim.

I hope you stick around. You need support.

Excellent post BhbJ.

Bahama,

This is YOUR site. She has taken so much from you I fear that you’re missing what is going on. If this place helps you then it’s your prerogative to stay. If she gives a crap about R she’d hopefully be respecting what you need. If she finds here and reads we are not giving away anything that she couldn’t read in a book. All of this strategy doesn’t mean shit if she’s not in true remorse, so for the most part we are all now just discussing hypotheticals.