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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 1:27 AM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
B - appreciate when you have a moment to take a deep breath as it sounds like you are having. You are on a roller coaster and it’s not over. We are here to support you in any capacity that you need.
Unbroken78 ( member #68860) posted at 1:38 AM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Sorry for cross posting from the other thread, won't happen again.
[This message edited by Unbroken78 at 4:28 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]
sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 2:03 AM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Unbroken78:
You have a pm.
My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor
DeWittle ( member #50857) posted at 3:55 AM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
My. Apologies for. Inappropriate post.
[This message edited by DeWittle at 12:25 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]
sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 4:23 AM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
STOP BRINGING INFORMATION FROM OTHER THREADS TO THIS THREAD. THIS IS A CLEAR VIOLATION OF GUIDELINE #2.
And just because others broke this guideline doesn’t mean others should make the same choice.
DEWITTLE - I AM SENDING YOU A PM.
My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor
Bahama (original poster member #69853) posted at 3:35 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Moderators. It has come to light that information that I have only shared on this site has somehow made it to my WW. I don't know if she knows about SI or if it was shared through back channels via the OBS, but I am requesting that this entire thread be deleted.
One day at a time, one moment at a time.
D-Day 2/22/19
Confrontation 2/25/19
Bigheart2018 ( member #63544) posted at 3:42 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Bahama,
I hope you reconsider. She could've observe you and uncover it via your browser. It could've been something similar to that.
SaddestDad ( member #69800) posted at 3:46 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
I really hope this thread doesn't get deleted. Bahama, you and I started this rollercoaster around the same time and i have been learning so much from watching you and the advice you've been given.
I've also been seeing how you are able to cope so much more so with this thread active than if not...
Can you imagine how you would be handling this WITHOUT your venting and brainstorming?
If this gets deleted... I don't know... I almost feel like it would be a blow to us all BH's.
Life is a wheel. Sooner or later everything you'd left behind comes around again. For good or ill, it comes around again.
For what profit is to a man if he gains the world but loses his own soul?
BH 32
WW 34 Change4thebetter
Working hard
Sallie2 ( new member #63205) posted at 3:49 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Ugh, I feel terrible for you Bahama. I have been following your thread and rooting for you. I hate that you have all of this to deal with while on vacation trying to take a break.
Hang in there.
Jsmart ( member #56437) posted at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
BS ONLY
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:41 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 4:18 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Bahama - you and the OBS need to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you.
Your WW or the AP could have discovered the threads by accident, they didn't have to have been tipped off. If they were searching online for infidelity resources they certainly could have happened upon SI in the same way you did. I hope you won't tolerate your wife trying to keep you from communicating with the OBS.
Me: BS 40 Him: WS 51 He cheated with massage parlor sex workersDday 01/19/2021
Kicked him out in 2021 - life is better on the other side. Moved on with the help of a wonderful therapist.
m2r2 ( new member #63265) posted at 4:26 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Remember when your wife was sending you job postings from her work. Looks to me she was searching for more than just job postings. Maybe she coincidentally stumbled on your tread but the other BS needs to know this
sinsof thefather ( member #29295) posted at 4:37 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
I'd hazard a guess she's using back channels. Although it's also possible she could have just stumbled on the site by herself. Either way, I'm sorry you're dealing with even more trauma Bahama.
[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:40 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]
...second star to the right and straight on till morning.
childofcheater ( member #33887) posted at 4:38 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
I'm so sorry Bahama! Is it possible that stuff that OBS has mentioned to her WH got back to your WW due to continued contact between the two? Or that she has been checking on your browser history?
I really hope you can get through this situation. I feel so badly for all you've been through. You deserve the best resources and support that you can get.
Perhaps you can see about a username change. If Bahama is something recognized by your WW it's possible she saw you were on the site and figured out who u were..
[This message edited by childofcheater at 10:40 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]
Me: 42 yo, him 41Married 19 years together 233 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworkerStatus: in R, work in progress
DeWittle ( member #50857) posted at 4:44 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
squid ( member #57624) posted at 4:45 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Bahama,
I agree that you shouldn't be bending to her will. However she got turned on to this site isn't really the point. If she is in fact reading this thread, it is a huge show of disrespect and a further violation of your trust.
BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18
This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.
stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 4:46 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Is it possible that stuff that OBS has mentioned to her WH got back to your WW due to continued contact between the two? Or that she has been checking on your browser history?
Both totally possible. Keep in mind that your wife lied to OBS's face repeatedly while she kept up the affair. It would be easy breezy to throw her under the bus and say that she gave up this safe space for you two but that would make no sense at all.
Me: BS 40 Him: WS 51 He cheated with massage parlor sex workersDday 01/19/2021
Kicked him out in 2021 - life is better on the other side. Moved on with the help of a wonderful therapist.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Bahama
Frankly there is no long-term harm in your WW reading your thoughts here. In fact, it can focus you and/or your marriage in the right direction. Be that direction true reconciliation or divorce.
Mr. and Mrs. Bahama
I haven’t posted on this thread for some time. Not from the early discovery-days.
What I want you both to think about is the simple fact that neither of you needs to remain married.
Your marriage is NOT forced on you.
Either one of you can demand divorce and it will happen.
Yes – there might be some change in the economical set-up. Some change in living accommodations, some child-support and spousal support and all that stuff. I guess neither of you will think you are getting a fair deal. But I can promise you both with near 100% certainty that 2-3 years from deciding to divorce both of you will be OK. Maybe even happy.
And you will both be out of infidelity… Well… unless Mrs Bahama insists on seeing the married OM.
Using the same logic… IF you decide not to divorce (and remember – only ONE of you needs to decide to divorce) then it only makes sense that you want to remain married.
So, my suggestion is this:
IF either or both of you decide not to divorce – totally irrespective of what the other wants – then take some time off to decide what you want.
What is marriage to you?
No – don’t think about the affair. Don’t focus on the past.
What is it that YOU want as a husband and YOU want as a wife?
What is marriage? Why be married?
And then start talking together on that basis:
THIS is what I think marriage is and this is what I want for us as a married couple.
This is where I want us to be in 1 year, in 3 years, in 5 years.
This is how I envision being old with you.
This is where I see us in the future.
Not so much me or you, but more how you envision marriage and the future.
If you have a combined, comparable joint vision then the details of how to get there will prove easier.
But remember: NOTHING and NOBODY other than YOU – You Bahama or YOU Mrs. Bahama – is keeping you married. You can divorce NOW.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 5:12 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
Can you share 'what' information from SI your WW has knowledge of? And how it may be damaging?
Everything you posted has been very honest and focused on saving your marriage. Nothing you should be ashamed of.
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2019
If you confirm for sure that she's found SI, tell her that out of respect to you, not to read your thread and encourage her to post on the Wayward forum. But just to make sure and if confirmed, all you have to do is keep posting after you've done things, for example: last night we had an argument about such and such", and don't disclose your plans here until after you tell her, you will get plenty of advice but at the end of the day she won't know which advice you may or may not take.
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