It's so good to dip in, be reminded that it's not just me that feels the way I do. I think you guys are brilliant...there's no bullshit and you call a spade a spade. I've been coming to terms with something that TheEnd mentioned earlier, when her counsellor said her WH hadn't cared for her.
This has been a massive tough one for me. It's obvious, but my brain just wouldn't let me go there. I was full of 'but how could he?' 'we had something special' 'we were such a brilliant couple, everyone thought so' (except for the bitch obviously)
Over the last maybe 8 months I'd begun accepting that what he did wasn't love, that he didn't love me, that you don't do that if you love your wife. He broke up with AP 8 times in their 4yr 4 month relationship...and he went back to her every time until the last time, when he told me. He made a million micro choices and many macro ones too.
Anyway through much talking over the years since DDay, and his brutal honesty that I asked for...eg he told me he would make me a coffee and bring it to bed then head 'out to work' early on a day off to have sex with her in a hotel, then come home to me....and when he looked at me with that coffee, he didn't care that he was betraying me..he was looking forward to fun in a hotel bedroom. I'm convinced the love and care for me wasn't there. The shitty thing is, what do you call it - a Mindfuck - is that I couldnt tell. I mean just thinking now, that example is a perfect one. Bringing me a coffee in bed before he goes to work and I get up to see to the kids?...how could I know?
Where I am now is a place where instead of seeing the evidence of their million emails and everything he's told me since DDay, but not able to absorb it.. I'm now cognisant of the fact that he didn't love me, he didn't care for me enough, we didn't have something special, we didn't have a good marriage.
You don't know what you don't know 'til you know it. Looking back now, I can see our marriage was flawed. We'd been together since 1988, we talked a lot, I thought that meant we were good at communication, but we didn't talk about our vulnerabilities or fears, we blamed eachother for things, we kept our 'weakneses' private from eachother. We put full effort into our lives, our home, our kids, and not so much effort into us. We both came from families where you didnt talk about emotions, and to talk about such things when we were kids would have induced ridicule from our families. Because we got along really well and enjoyed eachothers company hugely, laughed a lot together, in many ways highly compatible, I thought we were the perfect couple. I believed the fairytale. I didn't know better, I mean I didn't know what I was missing and I didn't know it could be better. Stupid huh!. Well niaive and ignorant for sure.
Next month will be 3 yrs since DDay 6th April. I think I've come to terms with a lot and learned a lot, we both have. We're still together. No divorce, no rings, no promises. I love him, I can't tell if he loves me because evidently I'm rubbish at knowing. I know him much better, we have shown eachother more of ourselves.
But what so far I have been unable to do is to bear the thought and knowledge of the two of them together. Whilst I know it's over, I still know that they made love, went on holidays, made love in our tent, in our bed, heavy petted in our car etc. A million places but it's the actual sex and touching and kissing. I don't know how to bear the pain of it is acute. I cry a lot less about it and for a shorter period but the pain is intense...suck it up and stay in your lane I suppose.