Me: BW58yrs. WH56yrs.DDay:6th April 2020. He ended the A & told me after.He&I 2gether since 1988. Married 1994. Fuckup A started Dec 2015. The day he betrayed me is the day our marriage ended in my eyes. In R. He’s the worst and the best thing in my life

Does anyone have guidance on how to bear the pain two and a half years on. When it hits me I am blindsided.

Today it feels too raw to talk about but I know I need support and I don't want my friends to know. It started in 2016. Subtle signs and I began to feel lonely in my marriage. Little things,a lack of care and compassion toward me. It started a couple of months before my mum was diagnosed with cancer (I nursed her at her home with my sisters and she died in around three weeks after diagnosis) I interpreted the changes as something to do with me; perhaps a mental health issue. I became so down that in 2018 I agreed with my GP to start anti-depressants.

We were such incredible friends he and I. Such a strong couple. The more time we spent together the better it was. Always.He broke it off (the fuckup affair) and restarted eight times over four years. This had an effect on us; we would have close intimate, loving, fun, silly times and then unusually, times of emotional distance. The close times cancelled the bad times in terms of me ever being concerned about our marriage. We'd been together since 1988.

Then 2020 he told me, and had ended their fuckup for the last time. It was a total shock but at the same time it was as if I already knew, and yet my stomach dropped through my body whilst the shell of my brain hung on. Weirdly I could say the name of who he cheated with though I'd only met her once in our house. I knew I had never been depressed. I took my wedding and engagement ring off and left them on the kitchen worktop and they never went back on.

I lost two stone in weight in a matter of weeks. Did a gradual withdrawal of the anti-depressants. He barely left my side, took early retirement, his focus and life is me and us. I'm sure people still look at us and have no idea. We no longer wear wedding rings so there's a clue there I suppose.

Now, nearly two and a half years since D.Day as it's called here. My marriage is dead (to me,marriage is a fantasy and I choose to live in my real world of no absolutes) We are still together in a relationship that is close, intimate, fun, passionate, incredibly sad at times....until such time as one of us decides to separate. No absolutes, no promises. Our kids know, they're all in their twenties. We all love each other deeply.

So much has happened between us over these last years. We had a little bit of couple-counselling from a retired expert in the field. After a number of sessions he said we didn't need his help anymore but could always return to him if required. We know and understand each other much better, know each other's vulnerabilities/fears/secrets/weaknesses etc. We've learned lots about ourselves. We've such things, as to learned to listen carefully without interrupting for example. Sounds obvious but it's tough to do when your upset. Anyway, what I would love some guidance on is this: I carry this weight of a broken heart and it drains me. I no longer dwell or seek it out, but its there. I distract myself or we talk about it or I'm overwhelmed and I sob or just cry a little, or am sad. I exercise, I do things, I avoid close friends. I do not know how to bear the pain of it, I don't know what to do, how to help myself. Both my parents have passed away, and our beloved dog too now just last Sunday. I've managed these okay. The dog was the hardest, but I'm okay. However, the betrayal from the only man I have ever loved crushes me. Knowing the things they did together, and in our bed once, crushes me. I'm jealous, I hate that she touched him, that he touched her. I forget about it lots of times then especially when we have the best of times, it hits me like a punch in the side of my head that I don't see coming and I am blindsided and overwhelmed with feelings of immense loss and sadness and it sits there like a ball of lead in my gut and an emptying of my brain. It saps me of my energy, deprives me of a night sleep or more. I can rationalise, rebalance, look to the good, accept the past is in the past, but my emotions don't follow my thinking and I don't know what to do about it.

Anyway, perhaps someone out there can tell me how they manage these feelings?

Thank you

26 comments posted: Monday, August 22nd, 2022