From an oldie who doesn’t visit often, but every now and then pops her head around the door.
A long time ago, I found an article about how to have an affair without being caught. There were 25 “rules”. My WH followed 23 of the 25 without knowing he was following the “rules”. Below relates to the more pertinent ones.
Both he and MOW knew that this would be an affair, they had no intention of it being anything else while they were bringing up their respective children.
They had been together as bf/gf before, so knew each other well.
They were both married.
She lives about 75 miles away – no chance of bumping into them.
Neither kept the same friends from school or worked in the same fields.
They usually went to hotels to hook up.
He often went to her house when her BH was abroad; her house, garden and drive are totally private and not overlooked.
She never came to my house, although she had been to take a look at my town on her own. I didn’t know her at all, so even if I had seen her walking on my street, I wouldn’t have been alerted to anything.
WH never changed his habits, we never stopped having sex, going out, being affectionate. Although there were times when he was unreasonable and picking arguments, I put it down to work stress (which there was).
All texts and calls were deleted from his phone (work) and he never kept her number in his phone. All emails were deleted.
He didn’t tell anyone. No one. She told her mother and best friend.
He was generally where he said he was – he just didn’t tell me that his gf was there too. He would phone every day and evening he was away. He never had to lie or remember his lies.
He never spent his own money on her, it was all on expenses.
I was totally blind-sided. It turned out I was married to a very accomplished liar – someone who lived his lies and kept his home life and his affair life in separate boxes as far apart as they could possibly be.
The biggest mistakes he made were promising they would be together – this was when he had to tell me. The other being that they fell in love with each other. Until he had to make a choice.
Never blame yourself. The fault does not lie with the BS, it lies with the WS. You trusted - which is what married people are supposed to do. Trust is when you believe someone will act/be a certain way, when they have the same boundaries as you, when you can count on them having your back. Your WS betrayed that trust – took it for granted and used it against you. That is THEIR fault and not yours for giving it in the first place.