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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread

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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 1:57 AM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Great ideas Ellie Love the button. Haha

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8435356
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cocoplus5nuts ( Member #45796) posted at 1:00 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Rashawnda for president!

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8435549
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 1:11 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Rashawnda for President button - LOVE THIS!

And can I throw in a stress ball in the shape of a donut?

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3264   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8435553
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DaisyAnne ( Member #71434) posted at 1:42 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

You ladies have room for another newbie? It is comforting to "hear" from others who are experiencing the same type of heartache right now.

Quick recap of my story: WH and I have been together for over 23 years, 17 married. We have 2 teenagers. 4 years ago he told me he was unhappy and wanted out. I was completely shocked! I had a feeling it was a midlife crisis so I convinced him to give us 6 months and if he felt the same way, we would separate. 2 months later he had a cancer scare and realized he does love me and need me. We were fine for the next few years, at least I thought. Turns out he has had an affair with a psycho on and off from Nov 2016 until Sept 2018. I say "psycho" because she ended up stalking him and sending me (and my parents!!) anonymous letters. A call from the police has silenced her for now.

Anyway, the whole truth finally came out about 3 weeks ago so it is so very fresh. WH is very remorseful and taking full blame. He wants us to work it out, willing to do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to gain my trust again. He knows it will be a long, hard road but says he is committed to getting us back.

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 7:46 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8435565
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 1:52 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Welcome DaisyAnne. Please read what your survival kit will include. A few pages back will catch you up.

And - if you have a favorite nickname for the AP - drop it here!

My WH also had a LTA - multiple DDays same AP and went underground for over a year when I had a false R. I call her the Donut Whore. Because she sent WH a pluthra of skanky photos - one of a close up of a donut on her boob. Donuts are banned in the Land of Chaos. Donut jokes - however - are encouraged.

More of my story later - I removed it from my bio when I ousted [finally] AP to OBS. In case he found his way to SI - I didn't want him to connect the dots.

Tell us more about DaisyAnne - your hobibies, your favorite things, your dreams.

Oh - and BTW - while we are all respectful of all the rules in all the other forums - we let it fly here. We also say FUCK a lot.

So - Welcome DaisyAnne and Happy Fucking Wednesday!

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3264   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8435571
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DaisyAnne ( Member #71434) posted at 2:22 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Thank you for the welcome! I have read a lot of your posts and i can relate to so much.

And - if you have a favorite nickname for the AP - drop it here!

My nickname for her is simply “psycho”. She truly is. Not only did she stalk and harass us, she moved! She lives 600 miles away but in Dec 2017 she bought a house to “flip” in my hometown 10 miles away from us!! According to her Facebook, she is living in both places.

Anyway, about me. My family is truly my favorite thing. So cliche. Lol. But i am also working on focusing on me now. My hobby is photography. I love taking photos of nature and of course my family. Which is causing triggers because whenever i look at photos from the past 4 years I realize he was living a big part of his life as a lie.

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8435580
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 2:40 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

I think all Betrayed Women should start here when they first join . The cursing ... the vengeful thoughts ... the ANGER can all be let out HERE ... because all of us HERE ... have been THERE at one point or another.

I got called out once by a mod for something inappropriate I said on a post about the adultery co-conspirator ... so I try to watch what I say on the Forums. SI is a Godsend to me because no one else knows about my H’s A except for everyone on this site. So I do NOT want to lose this place!!!

I enjoy the perspectives of others ... but being a BW ... it is nice to know there are others out there who know what my torturous mind is going through. So to ALL of you delightful Betrayed Women out there ... come on in ... we KNOW how you feel...you are among FRIENDS here .

I don’t post on here that much...but I read it a lot... and I feel it is a GOOD place for newly BW to get out that venom that was injected into us by BOTH our WS and the adultery co-conspirator. Getting the poison OUT will help the healing process begin🙂!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8435589
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DaisyAnne ( Member #71434) posted at 2:45 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

I think all Betrayed Women should start here when they first join . The cursing ... the vengeful thoughts ... the ANGER can all be let out HERE ... because all of us HERE ... have been THERE at one point or another.

Yes!! I really wish I just came here first. I have been reading throughout this thread for the past 2 weeks and it has helped me much more than the rest of the forum.

No one else knows what I am going through. My 2 best friends know that we had trouble years ago, but not now and not about the affair. My parents know about the psycho since she sent them letters but they don’t know the details or that is was actually a PA. I honestly don’t think they would ever forgive him.

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8435595
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cocoplus5nuts ( Member #45796) posted at 4:08 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

I think all Betrayed Women should start here when they first join

This will now become part of my first post ot all new BWs.

I'm thinking about my M and my fch today. I've said before that I'm not sure I like the person he has become since all of therapy and self discovery. He's been working a lot on his CoD, which is a good thing. I don't want to discourage that.

CoD people do everything to take care of others. My fch was like that. Would do anything for me. That's a big part of the reason I married him. I had never had anyone really take care of me before him. It's a dishonest care, though, because it's all ultimately about the CoD person. So, it's a good thing that he's working on stopping that, being authentic, not being a martyr.

But... I'm beginning to think he has taken too far to the other side. Example from last night (and what has got me thinking about this again), our 8 year old clogged our bathroom toilet right before bed. I need that toilet working because I usually have to get up to pee in the middle of the night. So, I'm trying to unclog it, but the plunger I have is a piece of shit. I ask my fch, who is in bed, to go downstairs and get the other one. He does, but he's taking a really long time. Meanwhile, the toilet is overflowing.

I holler (not the same as angrily yelling) at him to hurry up. He responds with something like, "I'm coming!" in a nasty tone. I tell him the toilet is overflowing. Then, he kind of rushes, but shoves the plunger at me and just gets back in bed. He doesn't offer to help. Doesn't get towels to sop up the water on the floor. Nothing.

I asked him why he didn't help me. Apparently, he was mad that I yelled at him. He didn't want to help me after being yelled at. I didn't yell AT him. I just hollered for him to hurry up. I told him I couldn't believe he didn't help me and that I thought he was taking the CoD recovery too far. He just grunted.

We are reconciled as far as he cheating goes, but now there are all these little things to contend with. I don't think he understands that, because he cheated, every little annoyance leads me to think about D. Do I really want to put up with this stupid shit anymore? Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he's just doing him now and, if I don't like it, I can piss off. That idea, of course, makes me want to piss off.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8435649
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 5:22 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

COCO, your husband was being an sucky asshat. WTF. There is CoD and there is common human decency. I would have yelled at him too. overflowing toilets are gross and you need help.

I wish I could give my husband a dose of CoD, he has been a selfish sob for a long time...I'd prefer to give him the dosage up his tushy...

I'm pissed today

I'm feeling simply angry today at all the pure bullshit in my life.

Yesterday, WH who wants to reconcile, because I am now what he wants, didn't communicate at all. Yes we are separated but this is not what he wants. Wanna know why... here is where my pissed offedness comes.. Because dumbfuck asstwat was having a good day.

Yep, I get the shit and the stress, he keeps the good to himself. In my morning self talk I asked myself wTF was I doing.

And why I care.... argghhh

Daisy

Welcome honey!! There are lots of giggles here, and lots of tough emotion and questions. I like this corner of SI because we have alcoholic toasts, celebrate each other, and have fun as well all hold each other's hand as we work through this shit pile of infidelity together.

My infidelity history in all it's ugly is in my profile.

We really do need kits!!! with alcohol. LOTS..

Happy fucking Wednesday!! May your day include a good dose of your favourite anything!

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:23 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8435704
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 8:01 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Y'all are cracking me up with the chair ideas. I love the idea of putting her face on it with the sign that's free to married men. Should leave that fucker in the parking garage where she fucked my husband. It's a mostly retail space, and she just moved away from the (small, wealthy, very catty) city, so there would bound to be people who knew her and saw it. Of course anyone who worked in WH's office and saw it would recognize the chair and trace it back to me. But dang it, that would be fun.

I still think going up there with milk will be the winner. No one will know who did it, will seem "accidental" but it can't be ignored. Putting a fish or piece of dog shit in it would not be accidental...but the dog shit would fitting...

Did we add a pair of panties to the kit? Racy like Chaos or Comfy like TG, your choice?

DaisyAnne, welcome to our club o' women who are superfans of the word FUCK, toast weekly on Friday nights, and all want the very best for each other. Husbands optional.

Coco - your husband was a SHIT (pun intended). Dude. When toilets overflow the whole house needs to hustle. I'm sorry he's being crappy. In the millions of books, podcasts and articles I've read on infidelity, I've heard that once the infidelity is starting to heal then the couple has to then work on the issues that they had prior to the A. Perhaps you guys need to do a little different kind of MC? Or you could just dump him at the next bus station. I do think that it's part of being a WS. Sucks, but you made the power balance uneven and put your spouse on edge. Any infraction is that much worse after infidelity.

TG - I'm sorry your WH didn't call. Just like them - when they need US, we are expected to be there. When they feel good we aren't in the forefront of the mind. I'd be angry too.

I think I'm coming a little bit out of my funk. I swear that hormones make infidelity harder to deal with. The past few years my PMS has been OFF THE CHARTS. I used to get a little moody but now for two weeks out of the month I want to throw myself off a cliff. Last night WH and I had a good talk. When he's openly able to feel his feelings (he loves to focus on my feelings, not his own), I am able to feel a little bit of empathy for him. We had a long talk and that ended with me actually FEELING like I wanted to be loving towards him. I told him it wasn't a good idea to do anything physical about that but that perhaps we should be grateful that I'm even capable of that feeling. I'm sure I'll want to throat punch him tonight.

Hope you are having a fabulous FUCKING Wednesday. Safe travels to you Ellie. It's freaking hot in Texas, hope your deodorant is top-notch.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 2:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8435806
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AmIAnIdiot15 ( Member #71023) posted at 9:25 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Want2 - do you regret not telling anyone? We aren't telling anyone, and are solidly in R. I think. I hope.

Daisy - welcome! I'm new too, but am already starting to feel at home. :)

Coco, you should have tossed a nasty dirty towel on him.

Tallgirl - limbo is the worst. Hoping for some clarity for you soon.

I shall have to think of a name for my husband's AP...

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2019   ·   location: CO
id 8435844
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 9:49 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Coco, by the way, I was thinking more on this CoD BS. I was having the same issue with my WH and his discovery of CoD. He's currently listening to CoD No More. While I applaud his interest in bettering himself, I did not like the fact that he started telling me things like "I'm not supposed to help you" and then basically abandoning me to go on a run, do yard work or take a shower. It was kind of his excuse to run away while my feelings were bringing up his shame. We discussed this in MC and he discussed with his IC, who then both explained that there is a difference between taking on the responsibility for someone else's emotions and just being there or helping them. Now, when he is with me and I spiral, he knows that he doesn't need to try and FIX ME, but he can comfort me. All while not making my feeling HIS feelings. Now in your situation there is no FUCKING WAY that it would be CoD of him to HELP you. If he felt bad bc of the way you yelled, that is HIS issue to deal with. First, triage the damn toilet. Then after he has HELPED you, then he can say how the yelling made him feel. Like a rational adult. Not a child who is pouting bc he got "yelled" at.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8435859
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 9:53 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Oh and IAmAnIdiot, I was not super creative. The AP is just cOWhore. But I just call her whore when talking to her, her husband or mine. I will admit it feels good to say out loud when you are angry. Choose the most cathartic thing for you!

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8435861
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DaisyAnne ( Member #71434) posted at 11:57 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

Thanks again for the welcome!

Welcome honey!! There are lots of giggles here, and lots of tough emotion and questions. I like this corner of SI because we have alcoholic toasts, celebrate each other, and have fun as well all hold each other's hand as we work through this shit pile of infidelity together

This is exactly what I need!!

One positive thing this hell has given is me is that I am finally putting myself first. I just got back from a consultation to get LASIK surgery. I’ve been wanting to get this done for at least 10 years. I just felt bad spending so much money on something I didn’t “need”. Fuck that! I deserve it. Happy to say I was approved! WH is fully supporting me doing this. I think he literally will do anything I ask for or want right now. What else should i go for?

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8435924
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 12:16 AM on Thursday, September 12th, 2019

Welcome Daisy! Glad you found the best hangout on SI.

Today I am just saying a blanket 'boys are dumb'. Fuck em. Donuts and psychos and twateens oh my!

Made it to San Antonio ok. Have had 3 (overpriced and small) margaritas and now heading to forced merriment "networking" (she said sarcastically) event. But has open bar so wheeeeee!

What day is it? Whatever day toast to my womenz... Love y'all!!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8435935
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 12:48 AM on Thursday, September 12th, 2019

AmIAnIdiot15...I have no regrets at all with not telling anyone . I have always been a little shocked at people who would talk about their marital issues on social media. I have always felt stuff like that should stay between the couple. So...to ME...this isn’t any different. My H’s A is something that happened between US...and I didn’t feel right about SAYING anything. But some people on here have said it helped them to tell. Whatever HELPS you to HEAL...as long as it is legal...I say DO IT .

It was kind of nice also to be around others and not have them give me looks of pity like I would get when others knew about my XWH’s affair.

Oddly...my H wanted me to tell others because he felt that my family and friends could help me. From what I have read on here though...that isn’t always the case. But the people on HERE have helped me way more than anything...and my H would get upset when I would get on here at first. FUCK THAT!!! SI has been my SAFE place...and I wasn’t about to give it up!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8435952
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 1:23 AM on Thursday, September 12th, 2019

Fortunately for me, I didn't have to waste any imagination on words for the women my XWH cheated with. They were mostly genuine crack whores. There may have been a junkie whore or two mixed in, but crack whore pretty much covers it.

I'm not mad at them anyway. Their lives are pathetic and sad enough. My WH was the sole focus of my rage, unluckily for him.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 7:25 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8435968
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cocoplus5nuts ( Member #45796) posted at 1:48 AM on Thursday, September 12th, 2019

Thanks for the support on how I was feeling.

TX, my fch read CoD No More. I got something similar to, "I'm not supposed to help you." What is so difficult about understanding how to be a decent person? He has done this sort of thing in other aspects of our life. I need to figure out a way to talk to him about it without him thinking I just want him to do everything.

MC would be a very good idea for us. I can't find anyone, which is astounding to me. We live in a huge suburban area. There is everything you could possibly think of here. Yet, I can't find a MC.

I've got a funny involving my boys. My 12 year old found a pad I had taken out of a sports bra. (I hate those things.) He asked me what it was for. I told him I guessed it was to make sure nipples don't show through clothing. I then yelled, I AM NOT ASHAMED OF MY NIPPLES! My 15 year old son was recording himself on snapchat. My voice came through loud and clear for all his friends to hear. Perfect timing and it wasn't planned. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8435978
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 3:38 AM on Thursday, September 12th, 2019

Ya know, I go off for a 36 hour biz trip and what the fuck?

cats?

chairs?

I had to go back a page to catch up! Some serious FOMO going on here!

I - literally - spewed my drink at GlasHalfFull's suggestion about the cat. Had to find a fucking napkin, and I'm STILL chuckling at that one. I would SOOOOOOOO love to see the look on Ellie's WH's face when she dropped that one!

Good luck to you ScoobyDoo - wherever you may be.

Coco+5:

[COD WH] Would do anything for me. That's a big part of the reason I married him. I had never had anyone really take care of me before him. It's a dishonest care, though, because it's all ultimately about the CoD person

Damn. Describes my WH to a T. And that caretaking kind of swept me off my feet. First time ANYONE took care of me for as far back as I can remember. I was hooked pretty damn easily, but man oh man do I now regret it. Months ago I said something like "how could I not see the wolf behind all those clean dishes" because it IS a "dishonest care".

I'm sorry he was acting like an ass. My hurt BW self would want to say "well, fuck you. I'll just pee and let it all overflow and let's see how that works out". But, I'm not 15 anymore (thank Heaven), so plunge away we go- right?

TallGirl:

Yep, I get the shit and the stress, he keeps the good to himself.

Sucks big time. Compartmentalizing asshats just stroll along their merry way after they drop a bomb on our emotional lives. Grrrrr.

TX (and other pre-menpausal BW): Holy fucking cow. I can't imagine dealing with this shitshow AND PMS! I think I'd be in a psych ward (and that's NO joke).

Daisy: Good for you on Lasik! I had my eyeliner tattooed on about 6 months after dday. Something I'd wanted to do for YEARS and I just did it. Not one regret. Doing that stuff for ourselves is important.

I'm listening to some podcasts that I enjoy, but I'm becoming increasingly afraid that I may have found a bad hopium pipe. I wonder it it's part of being S, in that when I THINK about him I can have hope - I can visualize a real change and fantasize about the M ver2.0 I'd like to have... but then he acts like a dipshit and the bubble bursts. I dunno.

I have my 2nd appt with new trauma IC (but w/o any infidelity experience) on Friday (I think we're doing the neurofeedback brain scan - which will run $600 out of pocket bc insurance doesn't cover it ). Then ANOTHER new therapist, WITH infidelity/SA experience, on Monday (but she can only do an every other week appt for new patients . Maybe I can get it sorted out that way.

Saturday I get to experience the antiversary of my WH's suicide! Woot! I dunno how I feel about THAT one. Lots of triggers and sadness and, basically fear-ridden freaking the fuck out. But also some gratitude that he did not die.

Then there's the stupid part of me that wants to ask him to make bbq for the firehouse. I'd like to say "remind", but I doubt he'd even think of it himself. I asked him to do this when he was discharged, and he agreed it was a good idea. But it took him about 4 months to do it the 1st time, and he's not done it again - and here we are at the 1yr mark (another sign of selfishness, shame, and wayward thinking, IMO).

And I can't decide if I should be trying to make myself super busy, or just hole up in my bedroom and do a 10hr Jane the Virgin marathon?

Now that I think about it - maybe I should just do the bbq and I can thank the firehouse myself? I am grateful they saved him, so why shouldn't I show it myself? Just bc WH was the bbq/smoker dude of the house doesn't mean I can't do it too- right?

Note to self: Do NOT give the firehouse folks food poisoning...

[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:48 PM, September 11th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8436037
Topic is Sleeping.
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