Ya know, I go off for a 36 hour biz trip and what the fuck?
I had to go back a page to catch up! Some serious FOMO going on here!
I - literally - spewed my drink at GlasHalfFull's suggestion about the cat. Had to find a fucking napkin, and I'm STILL chuckling at that one. I would SOOOOOOOO love to see the look on Ellie's WH's face when she dropped that one!
Good luck to you ScoobyDoo - wherever you may be.
[COD WH] Would do anything for me. That's a big part of the reason I married him. I had never had anyone really take care of me before him. It's a dishonest care, though, because it's all ultimately about the CoD person
Damn. Describes my WH to a T. And that caretaking kind of swept me off my feet. First time ANYONE took care of me for as far back as I can remember. I was hooked pretty damn easily, but man oh man do I now regret it. Months ago I said something like "how could I not see the wolf behind all those clean dishes" because it IS a "dishonest care".
I'm sorry he was acting like an ass. My hurt BW self would want to say "well, fuck you. I'll just pee and let it all overflow and let's see how that works out". But, I'm not 15 anymore (thank Heaven), so plunge away we go- right?
Yep, I get the shit and the stress, he keeps the good to himself.
Sucks big time. Compartmentalizing asshats just stroll along their merry way after they drop a bomb on our emotional lives. Grrrrr.
TX (and other pre-menpausal BW): Holy fucking cow. I can't imagine dealing with this shitshow AND PMS! I think I'd be in a psych ward (and that's NO joke).
Daisy: Good for you on Lasik! I had my eyeliner tattooed on about 6 months after dday. Something I'd wanted to do for YEARS and I just did it. Not one regret. Doing that stuff for ourselves is important.
I'm listening to some podcasts that I enjoy, but I'm becoming increasingly afraid that I may have found a bad hopium pipe. I wonder it it's part of being S, in that when I THINK about him I can have hope - I can visualize a real change and fantasize about the M ver2.0 I'd like to have... but then he acts like a dipshit and the bubble bursts. I dunno.
I have my 2nd appt with new trauma IC (but w/o any infidelity experience) on Friday (I think we're doing the neurofeedback brain scan - which will run $600 out of pocket bc insurance doesn't cover it ). Then ANOTHER new therapist, WITH infidelity/SA experience, on Monday (but she can only do an every other week appt for new patients . Maybe I can get it sorted out that way.
Saturday I get to experience the antiversary of my WH's suicide! Woot! I dunno how I feel about THAT one. Lots of triggers and sadness and, basically fear-ridden freaking the fuck out. But also some gratitude that he did not die.
Then there's the stupid part of me that wants to ask him to make bbq for the firehouse. I'd like to say "remind", but I doubt he'd even think of it himself. I asked him to do this when he was discharged, and he agreed it was a good idea. But it took him about 4 months to do it the 1st time, and he's not done it again - and here we are at the 1yr mark (another sign of selfishness, shame, and wayward thinking, IMO).
And I can't decide if I should be trying to make myself super busy, or just hole up in my bedroom and do a 10hr Jane the Virgin marathon?
Now that I think about it - maybe I should just do the bbq and I can thank the firehouse myself? I am grateful they saved him, so why shouldn't I show it myself? Just bc WH was the bbq/smoker dude of the house doesn't mean I can't do it too- right?
Note to self: Do NOT give the firehouse folks food poisoning...
[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:48 PM, September 11th, 2019 (Wednesday)]