SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there, MrsWalloped. Welcome to SI! Thank you for reading and joining and letting it all hang out there. You're getting a double 'round the world two snaps up from me! You've handled yourself, and these questions, quite well, I think.

I don't have any questions, btw.

I just wanted to stop by and check out what Walloped's wife had to say for herself. I've known your H for about two years now. That is, I've followed his story and we've helped each other out when we could. He's a good man, isn't he? And yes, your H's shared quite a bit of himself and his story. He's told us a lot about you, too. That's pretty much par for the course, you know? Don't let that scare you, though. Unlike many of us, me included, he's shown quite a lot of class and restraint, which, if you ask me, has always belied a deep and abiding love for you.

Okay, I do have one question. Why did you join and then start posting? Okay, that's really a two part question. I'm curious to know what you think of SI. Oh... jezz... now that's really three questions. Okay. So I just have threeee questions...

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:58 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

I’m so thankful for your posts even though it’s too late for me. I came to SI afraid and alone and worried my BH would read my posts and it would make things worse. My question to you is how do you stay honest and truthful here and put your heart out there and your H can read it and process it and stay? Tonight my H told me he couldn’t do this anymore. That he’s been suffering and angry for 4 years yet we have had many periods of time when he told me how he was finally happiest with me, that he no longer had to talk about the A in therapy and he would never leave me? I think he reads the replies and realizes his needs are unmet and I can slowly see that I haven’t done all that I need to do for him. I love him so much and cannot see life without him. I look here for strength and I thank you for your story.

I don’t want to make it sound like compartmentalizing meant that I never thought about my husband. I did. But not often. Thoughts of my family would interfere with what I was doing.

You are unquestionably a smart woman. You ‘thought he loved you’. What was your logical evolution of a loving relationship? You thought the AP was single at the time. When we you planning on ending it? I’m challenging you because there are no easy answers like you were caught up in it. You obviously had thoughts with more clarity than others which need to be addressed head-on or reconciliation will never, ever, ever happen. Limbo and fear stasis are what happens.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 12:26 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

You are very brave, inspirationally so. Thank you :)

I'm wondering (and could be completely off), the stuff with your mom (I'm so sorry you had to endure that btw.) Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like she kind of saw you as a proxy, or at least.. offshoot? manifestation? of her, and she expected perfection? She needed you to represent her "perfectly" or else it was reactivating this devestating w/I her? So she loved you, or rather, treated you with love only when you performed her definition of perfect?

This is just an idea I'm toying with and it may not apply at all, but maybe it's like equating being loved with not being seen? If someone loves you, it's not *you*, it couldn't possibly be *you*? So if a partner loves you you sort of equate it with being automatically conditional, or inaccurate, and there's a weird cynicism and resentment? And maybe guilt that you can't be what they want? And fear/resignation that they'll eventually figure it out and leave? Idk just thinking

I think you hit the nail on the head on a lot of points there about the site. There is a lot of people to come here angry, a lot of people that come here lost, and a lot of people who strive to help others. Please don't underestimate the power that you and your husband have and being here. You've answered a lot of hard questions that most of us I've always wanted to know in our own WS.

If you wouldn't mind answering a question that I have, I would appreciate it. Of course, it's obviously very intrusive, so please feel free to ignore. It's one of those that I want to ask my wife, but I'm kind of afraid of the answer to be honest.

When you saw that this is progressing somewhere inappropriate, did you ever think that you should end it before it became physical? Did you think you were too far along? What I mean is, did you feel like you've already went too far to walk away without Shane, and just decided to keep on going? Did you have Any ideas about a future with this person? Any guilt while the whole thing was going on?

Okay, so, I'm not so good at counting. That was obviously much more than just one question. LOL

Thanks!

For all intents you and your husband had a good marriage. You were fulfilled in your role as a wife and mother??

This week has been rough. Lots going on in my house un-affair related. I was making dinner. Thinking about this thread. A thought occurred to me. (Husband and I discussed this before). There is a woman out there who felt special because of my husband. It made me so sad for a few reasons. One of course no one has the right to feel this way because of my husband. Two, at the time of his affair my husband was horrible. This woman sold her soul for a crappy man. She has an amazing career. My husband has never put his own plate in the dishwasher. Everything was always about him. Those things would not have changed in a real relationship. He still would have brought his entitlement with him.

I think this is something which bothers me most of all. No matter what my husband felt about me. He took another man’s wife. His AP was a mother with young children. She is married. What gave these two people the “right” to inflict pain on someone else. It’s the ultimate in selfishness and entitlement.

When you were in the midst of the affair, what gave you the right to hurt your husband? He wasn’t a bad husband.

I know when I would read JFO, I absolutely projected my DD aftermath. At 20 months out, I don’t have this projection any longer. I think we can see the unremorseful spouse vs the remorseful spouse.

My marriage is one which is better. A very good friend cheated on her husband years ago. I watched how he treated her. His response was cruel. (Not the initial shock part). But what he did in the 3 years after DD. She was so remorseful. Couldn’t believe what she had done. When I discovered, I assumed he would cut all ties with his 5 week affair. Truly 5 weeks. Didn’t even know her. Met and slept with on same night. I assumed he would immediately give up his AP. The next 5 weeks after DD were so awful. Anyway, I had spent years seeing my remorseful friend doing all she could to save her marriage. Putting up with cruel humiliation from her husband. They are divorcing now. I wish they weren’t. I wish he could have found it in his heart to open up to her again.

I do not like the burn her at the stake threads. Especially when the wayward wife is remorseful. Or the wayward husband is.

Your thread is a good one. You are an clear concise writer. I am glad you are on SI. I am going to start a thread on reconciliation about sex with the spouse before the affair. I hope you will comment.

Mrs. Walloped,

Many just never "get it" because they aren't on the receiving end.

I think you maybe one of the rare ones.

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving and never fully goes away. However, it can dissipate over time. Your current actions will help.

Many stay married but never really recover. They just exist.

I think you coming here is pretty brave. Facing your demons upfront can only help you both.

Many find out what they truly had only after its gone.

Good luck to you both.

Mrs Walloped,

Thank you for being brave and posting your story on SI, I don't really post a lot but I follow SI and I have read your husband's thread. Reading Walloped's posts broke my heart, like so many other posts in the JFO section. But you are trying your best to heal your husband and yourself and it brings immense warmth to my heart.

I wanted to ask you something and you can ignore the question if you don't want to answer, that's fine. I know you are overwhelmed with the response here. I respect Walloped for the composure he has shown and I commend you for trying your hardest to heal your family.

I used to believe 'the made for each other' tag line a lot. I've heard about and actually seen fairy tale love stories unfold. Like two people were meant to be with each other. Two people who got together at a very young age when they did not understand what love was and fell deeper in love as they grew older. They lose their virginity to each other and sexually have only been with each other. I am starting my question with these lines because I believe the amount of injustice a spouse in such a relationship would feel had their partner had a sexual relationship with someone else would be tremendous as they themselves devoted their emotions and body to just one person throughout their entire life.

I understand yours was such a scenario too, you and Walloped had known only each other as sexual partners before your affair and I am sure in your eyes as well as your husband's that must have made your marriage and your love for each other a tad bit more special.

Don't get me wrong, all marriages are special, but the idea of having a single sexual partner throughout your life, the idea of loving and making love to just one sounds deeply romantic and special.

Mrs Walloped, has your husband ever highlighted this aspect of your affair?

How do you help him with his healing when it comes to the fact that you now have had more than one sexual partner while your husband's only experience is with you?

Thank you for sharing your experience, your responses are helping a lot of people here. My prayers are with you and your family.

[This message edited by goingsolo1 at 7:58 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

Mrs. W, please be sure you take care of yourself and pace yourself. This place is also a place for you.

It is OK to take a rest when you need it.

I’m pretty overwhelmed by it all and I certainly didn’t expect to get so many responses to my post! Finding out that so many people know my story and know all these details about us, about our girls or my in laws, my sister, what I did. I’m not upset about it but it’s a little disconcerting and very intimidating. I’m scared to find out what else people know!

I think you and your H would benefit from a very honest and in depth discussion about all of this. Sharing SI can be rather tricky at times. However, and this is just my opinion, if you're going to share, then you have to share. At some point, if you decide to stick around and become a member, you'll have access to all of his posts, from day one until today. How tempting do you think that will be?

I can't speak for everyone, of course, but we know you had an affair. For those of us who followed your H's story, we also know that in many respects, after being caught, you weren't all that different from other WS. We know that you've tried very hard to make this right, to own it, work on yourself and your marriage. We know that it's been over two years and that you and Walloped are still together, still committed to healing and moving on with your lives. That's what really important here, MrsWalloped. At least, to those of us reconciled or still in the process, so long as you both remain committed to R, your marriage and family, we're rooting for both of you.

I hope you find what you're looking for here. I think you will, if you look hard enough. There are some truly amazing people here, including your H.

Just to echo on your concerns regarding people knowing your story.

Not sure if you saw my post on wayward about the skin being torn off of your body after DD. I will find it and attach it.

I literally felt I was walking around with my skin peeled off my body. I felt so exposed to the world. I had zero defenses left to arm me. People could look into my very soul and see me. No pretending. Nothing. Just absolute raw emotion pouring out of my soul. I had no skin. There was no barrier between me and the world. My heart was so badly hurt. How could my husband do this to me? I will never forget going to Savanah in Septemeber (June DD). I walked around by myself with no skin. Other people were happy. Smiling. I had no skin.

And oh my gosh. If my husband destroyed me. Gorgeous and lovingly kind strangers in this world showed me love. Random people. Strangers. It was like they could see. Completely see. So many people were kind. I clutched onto the kindness of strangers. Not just that weekend. People bought me coffee. Random strangers hugging me. A man saying to me. God wants me to tell you...your husband needs to focus on me. This isn’t the life I have planned for you.

It is such a lonely time after DD. People don’t understand. Before the affair. I loved holding hands with my husband and turning his wedding ring on his finger as we held hands. I can’t do it now. I hate touching his wedding ring. Weird right? I let him touch me. But his wedding ring touched another woman. I hate touching it. I don’t want him to get rid it or a new one. I bought that for him. I loved his ring. He loved his ring. Now....touching it burns me.

I tried to explain to my friends. They didn’t understand. SI understands. It is a good feeling in the midst of this to know people understand that I don’t want that ring to burn me.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 11:29 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

Of all experiences/stories shared on SI, there are a few members whose story becomes more easy to remember than others. Your husband's was one of them. The driving force weren't dirty details, but his ability to recall and communicate every thought, hurt, pain, win, milestone, etc.

I can remember so much of his experiences. His internal turmoil on whether he could/would attend the traditional labor day family picnic. The nervous glances you exchanged with him while there. The brief uncomfortable exchange you initiated on you being invited by SIL and hoping it was okay with him. His paranoia of "who knew", and his BIL's awkward, detached disposition which fed into it. Walloped, holding his beer can so tightly he thought he was going to collapse it as the triggering song blared which lead to his panic attack.

Your early recognition of his his attack coming on which enabled you to help comfort him, which if I recall signified how attentive you were. All, so real and expressed so vividly, it is remarkably easy to live it in one's mind. So, it's the emotional detail, not the dirty details that made it so captivating.

While everyone experiences extreme emotion and pain, some such as your husband's and a few others are adept at skillfully communicating every thought and feeling and thereby adding a human element that makes it personal. Ohforanewme, cantsleepcanteat, and spaceghost are a few members who come to mind whose ability to express themselves captivates and demands attention, much like reading a nonfiction novel.

Ironically, or perhaps maybe not, as this thread evolves, you too may fall into this category as this thread reads like an Ann Landers Q&A column. Because Wallops was so gracious to open a part of his life, we (at least I do) feel as if he's someone I and we know. You coming on enables a unique view from the WS perspective which is supported by knowing the journey you both have traveled. You are and will be a valuable contributor to SI for reasons stated above. Your remorseful and courageous recommitted efforts are modeled well for aspiring WS seeking reconciliation.

Even last summer's bumpy road, which was unknown to me, deepened the authenticity of your story, as it reflects similar bumpy road and non-perfect paths taken by couples where smooth sailing and happily ever after doesn't necessarily exist in the months and years following the reconciled affair. Thank you for being here.

Mr. Walloped is a much better man than I am.

Hold on tight to him.

He would be a prize for the ladies.

I can not believe my wife did not love or still love the OM during the A. She held hands and more. that the sex was better because it was affair sex and new and exciting, not just different.

I can not believe that she ever thought about me, because she was/is always thinking about the special time with the affair partner. She put so much effort and time into the A, and none was left for anyone else. makes me wonder if she thinks about him when we are together.

How she could make the decision and live with the guilt or lack of guilt tells me she does not love me. She has succeeded in killing my love for her.

I just want justice, I want the excitement of the affair and being wanted because she could have chosen me, but threw me away for someone else. (but I do not want the pain) the counseling we went to was worthless. I will think and live with this many times every day. Hope she really enjoyed it. I was told that I need surgery. She wants to have the surgery. I am not going to have the surgery. My life will be much shorter without the surgery.

Hang on tight to Mr. Walloped. He is quite a prize.

I read Walloped's story when he first arrived at SI but I honestly don't recall very much of it as it was so long ago, so I don't have as much background knowledge as others who have responded to you, but I do have some questions for you based on what you have shared so far in your own posts.

one example my therapist used was that I have a different operating system than other people. My default setting is that I’m worthless. Nothing I do is good. Anything that goes wrong is a confirmation of that fact.

Do you still struggle with feeling worthless? If so, how do you think that impacts Walloped and your relationship with him? What are you specifically doing to address this issue? How is that working out? Has your therapist had you look at and challenge the cognitive distortions that feed the belief that you're worthless? What have you done to address the shame that is at the heart of those feelings?

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew I was betraying my husband. I just didn’t care enough

Why didn't you care enough?

While I should’ve talked to my husband about my feelings and what I was going through, I didn’t

.

Why not? What kept you from sharing your feelings and your struggles with him?

I didn’t know how to cope when I wasn’t getting my pellets of validation from the people in my life. Now I do. I have tools and mechanisms.

What exactly are the tools and mechanisms you have now? In what ways are they effective for you?

part of my therapy has been self-reinforcement. Positive messaging. Rewiring my brain so that I believe that I’m worthwhile and valuable. So that I lessen my need for external validation

Could you clarify what you mean by self-reinforcement? Are you referring to positive affirmations?

I get a high from helping others because it makes me feel good about myself and I need to feel good about myself because in the absence of that I don’t. My default isn’t neutral, it’s that I’m bad. So I actively look for things to do to push those feelings aside.

How is pushing those feelings aside helpful in the long run? Why not address and challenge them instead? Needing to help others to feel good about yourself and getting a high from it is still seeking external validation.

Right now I find it easier to answer questions or talk about my past than to talk about my issues or ask for help

Why is that?

Mrs. Walloped-

I promise this is the last set of questions I will ask you, as I believe you haven been candid and have given immense clarity into the mind of a remorseful WW. I have benefited from it. I also imagine that you probably think what I did is your worst nightmare scenario from your BH, and Im sorry if my story elicits worry for you.

I can completely see how the dilemma of “one and only” is a crushing reminder and realization your marriage faces everyday. And beyond the hurt and betrayal, the feeling of unfairness your H lives with. My question to you is, if, within the confines of a healthy and loving and honest marriage, you engaged in sexual experiences that could help your husband move past this issue, would you consider it? Would you ever, if he really wanted it, consider having a threesome with him, with a woman who isn’t a threat to your marriage, you trust, and would be purely for sexual exploration for him? Before you assume the worst, please hear me out- I don’t mean him have a revenge affair. I don’t mean him lying to you or excluding you, I mean giving him a gift of a sexual experience that a) many men fantasize about, and b) would help to rid him of that eternal feeling of injustice? I’m the context of a healthy marriage I don’t be believe that sexual exploration of any kind is necessarily unhealthy so Long as it’s honest, mutually decided, and ultimately secondary to love the two partners feel for each other. I’m not advocating being swingers, but if he so desires, this maybe one of those once in a lifetime gifts that would show your true love for him.

My ex wife did it for me, but sadly I feel it was more out of desperation than anything, and your husband and you are in much different stages than we were, but I will say that it meant ALOT to me that’s my wife would do something like that, even though she didn’t need to. Just something to think about, but please don’t think I’m condoning revenge, I am only suggesting a grand gesture of a sexual gift that may help him heal.

And my other question, was, did your husband ever question whether the AP was better endowed? If so, is it something he dwells on? Is he able To move past it? If not, did it give him any closure, or a sense of some small victory? I ask because it was a question that ate at me incessantly. It triggered my insecurities constantly, and while my wife swore her AP wasn’t, it was definitely a stumbling block as part of the mind movies you have become explicitly aware of. I only knew for sure she was telling the truth after my relations with the OMs wife.

I Know these are tough questions, but if you would be so kind as to give me your take on them as a WW, i would be grateful. I hope you enjoy your family weekend .

[This message edited by nicenomore at 10:57 PM, February 9th (Friday)]

they talked a lot about his acceptance of my affair and what his life is now and that he’d have to make a decision about how he wanted to live it and whether he wanted me in it or not.

This is a common obstacle for a BS IMO. No matter how hard the WS works for the BS, the burden of history still remains inside the BS. The BS is forced to learn how to carry a new permanent emotional burden. The BS is forced to accept life will never return back to the way it was before the affair. This problem flushes when there is not much more a WS can do to make it right. This is why attending IC is so important for the BS, IMO. Even more difficult is when the BS carries his or her own skeletons. Their skeletons must be processed away to build a new stronger foundation. For many BSs, this work is not worth it, even when the WS is fully remorseful. It takes two to reconcile and acceptance is one of the major final hurdles to healthy reconciliation. What you are explaining is normal and heading down the right path, IMO. Just remember there is only so much you can do, unfortunately, to fix it all.

[This message edited by still-living at 2:10 AM, February 10th (Saturday)]