Mrs.Walloped-
I’d like to say a few things... I hope you don’t mind. As I mentioned before, so much of you sounds like my ex wife that I felt compelled to pose the questions to you that I have long struggled with.
I’d like to start by saying a part of me hates all WW. I don’t mean you, in particular, just generally. I feel a general sense of anger and betrayal towards any wife that would cheat, and I know it is because of what I went through. I too read your husbands posts and identified a lot with what things that made him so upset. But I also know it’s not fair to project my feelings on people who have never hurt me, you included, so please don’t take that to mean you. I guess I just mean that that little part of me holds the grudge for things done to me years ago.
But the majority of me, the logical knows a good person when I see it. I somehow, maybe by association, see this in you, because of the similarities, in ALOT of ways, to my EX, and how she behaved during her affair, and after dday. I am genuinely grateful for your responses to my questions, as they help me tremendously to understand the mindset of my ex that I, in my searing pain, humiliation, emasculation, and rage, refused to open up to. So thank you.
The questions I asked you were the impetus for my actions to follow what my wife did. I’m ina wierd place, because as I mentioned, after my wife’s affair, I handled things poorly. I know that now. I realize we all have to own our actions, but a part of me also recognizes that what I find so upsetting about infidelity is the dishonesty and humiliation aspect. What I did wasn’t kind, or empathetic, but I was forthright about my intentions. So I guess I’ll never feel like I was just as bad as what my wife blindsided me with. That being said, I’m not excusing what I did, because it wasn’t right either.
I’d like to share some thoughts with you, as both a BS then WS if it’s ok.
As a BS , the hardest thing to accept was the sexual aspect of her affair. And similarly to you, she did things with AP that we didn’t do much out of lack interest, BUT still felt like should have been mine to have alone. And the emasculation is what I felt strongest. Like inferiority, respect went to a competitor of mine. It’s like National Geographic, where two rams butt heads, and the winner gets the girl. It was the feeling I swam in after dday, that I had lost an another male bred my wife. Took what was mine, and that somehow I must be inferior. Only now can I reallly see that what she did had absolutely no bearing on who she really loved (me), and that her affair wasn’t about me. But at the time I couldn’t see that my shortcomings had nothing to do with her cheating. I was just like your H. Loved her to a fault, never a pushover, but never doubted her love. Her betrayal altered my view of liven permanently, and I acted in kind. But it was never my, or your Hs fault. You and I know that now, but freshly betrayed me did not.
As a pretty typical territorial male, it crushed my ego that my woman would dare sleep with someone else and I lost it.
So as a WS, I didn’t concern myself with how my actions were towards my wife. I didn’t set out to hurt her, I set out to re establish dominance against my competitor. As messed up as that sounds. I purposely took advantage of the chance to reciprocate the feeling of loss to her AP, by sleeping with his wife. And knowing what he did sexually with my wife, I did that and more with his. I won’t lie, it felt Amazing too, that another woman, other than my cheating whore of a wife (at the time) found me to be desirable after my wife disrespected me. So it felt like a double win. I could hurt the OM in a way nothing else would, dish him some revenge, re establish a “win” for team me, assert my dominance, and feel attractive after she emasculated me. My wife was merely an afterthought. Much like you, my wife was remorseful, and really, at her core was a good person. But at my stage in life, my maturity, my upbringing to never accept defeat, and my age at the time, I wasn’t willing to overlook the bad to see the good. Didn’t have assets, didn’t have kids, or a long history, made it possible to disconnect easily.
I have a profound level of respect for your husband and how he has treated you, because I would have loved to be able to check my ego. It takes an incredible amount of gumption to do what he did, but I have to say reading his thread, there was no better WW candidate than you.
So the questions about sex, about revenge against the OP, and about money are all directly tied to my situation, and I am grateful for your input. I regret what I did to my wife after dday. I still do. I regret hurting her, and reacting with the consequences I did. Interestingly, I don’t regret hurting the OM. Not one shred, and like your H, EVEN after taking the APs happy life and shooting it out back like old yeller, it only gave me justice, it never eliminated my pain.
And I agree, despite anger at a WW for cheating it’s unreasonable for someone like you to be expected to be destitute and penniless, after raising 5 kids and supporting him for decades. It’s just a natural inclination for BS to feel doubly screwed in divorce, being cheated on then having to pay for it. And it’s a reason why at the time, being young and financially relatively unintertwined, I chose to divorce because I didn’t want to be in the position of having something to lose.
I have things to work on myself, as a WS, and I hope you don’t mind my response to you here, bit of a ramble, but really wanted to say thank you for being as candid, and open to the questions as you are. It helps me greatly.
[This message edited by nicenomore at 2:34 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]
