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And I’d also like to apologize to anyone I have offended. It wasn’t my intention, and I’m happy to rethink how I post here going forward. I meant well, but obviously sometimes it doesn’t work out as I planned..

Maybe I missed it, but were you outwardly unhappy at home while the affair was going on? Were their clues walloped missed?

What I could never understand was how happy my now ex wife was during the short duration of the affair. We got along great. We talked, had sex, did things on the weekends. I was clueless. I think that might have made everything that much more shocking. She later described it as a manic episode although she has no chemical issues She swore she was happy with us of course the evidence points in a different direction.

Was it easy to keep this life separate? Were you still trying to keep walloped happy?

I again do admire how well both of you have navigated this whole thing.

I don’t post often...so, please forgive me if this is unwanted. I just recall reading your husbands post and feeling so similar.

Like your husband, my wife was my my one and only. It was something I was teased about by other guys(and girls) over the years. I convinced myself that what we had was “special”; that it was worth forgoing other experiences. It became a personal badge of honor. One I shared with her and her alone. She saw how much pride I took in defending the position to others. She knew this.

After her affair, I realized something that was so special to me was worthless to her. I was an absolute fool defending this. Preserving something so worthless for nothing. We are trying to reconcile. I know this means I will not have sex with anyone else, ever (she made it clear she couldn’t stomach the thought). So, it looks like I will feel the fool for the rest of our marriage.

I hear people on here say that their marriage sex means so much more. This fool will never know.

[This message edited by bradychu at 8:08 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

And I’d also like to apologize to anyone I have offended. It wasn’t my intention, and I’m happy to rethink how I post here going forward. I meant well, but obviously sometimes it doesn’t work out as I planned..

I think that is a very good idea nicenomore

I will say no more.....

Point taken- I wasn’t saying that it would take away all the pain, just that it would give BH some perspective and at least make him not feel like he has to live with the one and only issue he does now. But as I mentioned, intentions and outcomes often, aren’t the same. So apologies again. Mrs walloped, I was trying to help you bring your husband to a position where at the least he didn’t have to hurt about wondering. It was intended to help your husband get rid of the he feelings of injustice and humiliation, and therefore ultimately help you. But I realize that it wasn’t suggestion that would be helpful to you.

I am glad you answered these questions. It’s so important to note the mindset during an affair vs the aftermath after an affair.

Sharkman asked something about how could you love the attention of AP and isn’t it the same as giving everything to your husband now. Something like that.

I am not a WW nor. BH. However, the difference between an affair mindset and after the affair mindset is soooo different.

You, my husband and other spouses doing so much to heal after the affair....

For any of you to keep your mindsets in affair mode after DD and this far out....it would be inhumane.

I don’t think you are inhumane. Nor do I think this about my husband. People hurt people. It’s part of life. Healing people is part of life as well.

Have you ever read Linda MacDonald’s “Who will you become?” It’s very good.

One thing my therapist and I spoke about was having a “fairy tale” life vs a real life. I kept silent about so many issues in the marriage because protecting the fairy tale was so important to me.

You aren’t a woman having an affair. Your mindset is different.

Her husband is creepy to me. He acts weird or uncomfortable. I get gross vibes from him. He doesn’t really, but I feel like he’s always checking me out or thinking about me and my affair, like he’s picturing what me and my AP did. Like I’m the only woman in the world who’s had sex I guess. I generally avoid him.

Have you talked to your sister about this?

Sharkman asked something about how could you love the attention of AP and isn’t it the same as giving everything to your husband now. Something like that.

I am not a WW nor. BH. However, the difference between an affair mindset and after the affair mindset is soooo different.

Yeah that was me. And you hit on why I was asking it -- my gut is that everything here hasn't been addressed. Her husband is "behind schedule" healing. I want to understand why.

My other question to Mrs W is why were you angry when you found your boyfriend was in the midst of a divorce? Isn't this arguing about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? You said that you had nothing long-term in plan but these actions (strongly) suggest otherwise when approaching it as a skeptic (which no offense, that's our job - to protect and help the abuse victim that is your husband)

[This message edited by Sharkman at 9:12 AM, February 12th (Monday)]

Excellent question MrsW.

From now on I will always have had another sexual partner. Someone who is not my husband.

I was super happy and buzzing with energy. I was on a high and feeling good. I was fed almost daily doses of compliments and validation, and the sex felt good too.

YesI enjoyed it. It’s sex. It was fun and exciting. I was also playing a fantasy role of being this sexy and desirable woman who had this man begging me to do things to him and who wanted to do things to me. It was intoxicating.

I would feel horrible and devastated. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it. I might file for D. We’ve talked about it. But maybe even more so now because he knows what it feels like. He knows the pain and for him to intentionally inflict that on me, I wouldn’t blame him but I don’t know that I can deal with that. I’ve always said he’s a stronger person than I am.

Have had similar discussions with my wife with her similar responses. One of the things that haunts me (and I would be surprised if it doesn't eventually haunt your husband) is the overall unfairness of it.

Imagine sharing a bag of chips with someone. You are happy because you have decided that sharing this one kind of chip with this one person is special. It keeps you content, happy, and lends you strength to know that in a world full of different kinds of chips you are not alone.

Then to find out that that one person has now had Doritos. You know they liked Doritos. They taste great, they were new, different, exciting, etc; but, if you ever try one, that person will leave you. So, now you are stuck as the weirdo that has never had a Dorito. It is damned difficult at times.

I am not advocating a revenge affair or that you should accept one if it happens. Just letting you know one of the crippling thoughts I deal with because of the situation.

Mrs. Walloped,

Thank you for answering so many questions, I know it must be exhausting. I am sure your responses are helping a lot of people here.

I am praying for you and your family, especially for your husband (sorry for being a bit biased, but I think he needs it more). I am not trying to make any assumptions but from Walloped's as well as your posts it seems that your husband is a man of impeccable character and fortitude. This is just a conjecture but it seems that your husband got in to habit of sacrificing a lot for others from a very young age, putting his needs secondary and his family's and friend’s first. I am not saying this is good or bad but I do know for sure that he must have sacrificed a lot over the years (and you must have as well, that is how happy thriving families are created, through acts of selflessness) Mrs Walloped I am not sure you are already implementing this but I think one way you can show your love is by letting your husband have more 'me' time (if he wants to of course). For all the sacrifices he has made let him be selfish on a few occasions. I think he will see and appreciate the extra pain you are taking so that he can do what he really wants (For example letting him choose the shows you would watch together…just the little things can make a lot of difference).

There is no better way to show love than sacrifice. Your affair was extremely selfish therefore to balance it out you have to show extreme acts of selflessness. I am not talking about threesomes (I believe Nicenomore’s posts were read in a wrong context, I think Nicenomore was trying to emphasize on the selflessness that his wife showed after her affair and that really helped him).I am talking about the little things that everyday life has to offer, let Walloped have his way. I am not saying your needs and wants are not important, I am saying Walloped’s needs and wants are more important.

I am saying this because there was a lot that was broken and destroyed after your affair, not just your marriage but your husband’s self esteem, his sense of purpose (he must be thinking that he wasted his life, many BS’s in a long term marriage feel this way) his pride as a provider, his peace of mind and the list goes on. You don’t apply the same medicine to cure every ailment. Similarly healing for your husband has to happen through various ways (I described one such way in the first paragraph).

The question is how far you can go to heal your husband? And I am sorry if I misread your posts or if I am making an extremely stupid assumption here but I still feel you are being selfish, I read that you were willing to divorce Walloped if he had an affair and that you will never say yes to a threesome (I am not saying you should and we all know your husband will never demand one). Think about it from an open mind-your context here are acts of selflessness, when you say you will divorce Walloped for having an affair you are still thinking about your pain and not his, you are thinking about the pain it will cause you. What if having an affair or threesome was the only way your husband could heal? What would you choose then? Did he demand a threesome because he wanted to hurt you or because he was shattered and looking for a way to revive himself? (Very unhealthy way to cope, I am not advocating a revenge affair or a threesome). The question is how far can you go to heal the man you love?( Please don’t feel offended Mrs. Walloped, that was never my intention, forgive me if my post has caused you anger or grief ,as I said before, you and your husband have helped a lot of people here)

Before I end my elaborate post I wanted to ask you something, do you trigger? And have there been occasions when you triggered while being intimate with your husband? If yes then how have you handled it as an individual and as a couple?

Thank you Mrs. Walloped

You and your family are in my prayers

"how far can you go to heal the man you love?"

I'd stop short of suggesting something that would have my BS go against his own value system, if it were me.

the affair, for the WS, should be just as painful for them, so why would they recommend more pain for the BS?

If he said he needed it for justice or revenge or whatever, then I would feel like I married the wrong person. if the bs feels the need to punish the Ws like this then damn, just divorce.

[This message edited by sewardak at 11:41 AM, February 12th (Monday)]

I'm glad to see that you are taking certain responders to task. They are the divorce brigade. The only solution in their mind is always divorce("just found out my wife used store meatloaf instead of home made. What should I do?

DIVORCE her now. How can you trust someone who serves store bought meatloaf instead of homemade?")

Anyway most are rooting for you and those that aren't well ...............

[This message edited by nscale56 at 11:43 AM, February 12th (Monday)]

^^^ and some of them have very few posts...

Not sure than anybody routes for divorce some just can't get beyond the violation no matter what the ws does.

Just my 2 cents some bs like myself are somewhat envious that others seem to be able to process through this and come out in a better place.

One thing I've had to accept is that it isn't fair. Life isn't fair. It isn't fair that MrsW had such a horribly traumatic childhood. It's not fair my mom died when she was 37. It's not fair when a child is sexually abused. It's not fair when a good spouse is cheated on. You take the cards life dealt you and make the best of your hand...no matter the situation.

Thank you for responding to my questions. I do have a few more based on your responses...

I originally asked, "Do you still struggle with feeling worthless? If so, how do you think that impacts Walloped and your relationship with him?", to which you responded:

I do still struggle with feeling worthless...It’s terrible for my relationship with my husband and my children.

I was really hoping that you would have expanded more on the specific ways in which your continued sense of worthlessness impacts Walloped on a personal level as well as the specific ways in which it impacts your relationship with him. Have you asked Walloped how it impacts him and how he feels it affects the relationship between the two of you?

My husband is the only one I’ve ever truly opened up to. But I bottle a lot up inside and then eventually something minor will make me explode. When something goes wrong, I take it personally. I don’t handle criticism well at all. He’ll ask how come I forgot to buy mayo and in response I’ll do what my husband calls the turtle move

If you are bottling things up inside how does that equate to truly opening up? How is that vulnerable or authentic? Can you describe what happens when you "explode" - what does that look like? How does that impact Walloped and your children when that happens? If you are taking things personally and are not able to handle criticism do Walloped and your children feel as though they have to walk on eggshells around you?

I asked "Has your therapist had you look at and challenge the cognitive distortions that feed the belief that you're worthless?", I didn't really see a response to that and I think maybe I worded it wrong, so I'll ask it a little differently...

Are you familiar with patterns of limited thinking/cognitive distortions? If so, which ones contribute to your sense of worthlessness? Which ones contribute to the storyline you tell yourself about ypurself and others? Which ones impact your relationships with Walloped, your kids, and others in your life? What work are you doing to address and challenge them when you see them arise? If you are not familiar with them, do you feel this would be a helpful thing for you to explore further?

I also asked you "Why didn't you care enough?", to which part of your response was...

I was upset about him not helping for the wedding. I had all these thoughts like he doesn’t care about me, we’re not important to him, I’m not important. I felt alone and abandoned. Part of it was me being angry. He doesn’t care about me so why should I care about him? I never thought I was entitled to have an affair. But I did have lots of feelings that I was unimportant. I was the servant. I was taking care of all the wedding plans and everybody just left me alone to handle it. My husband, my daughter and they didn’t care about me, just that I was taking care of it all because I always took care of everything and made sure it was perfect. And my daughter was leaving me and my husband seemed detached too.

It sounds like you harboured a great deal of resentment towards Walloped which you fed and built up with your internal dialogue about your worthlessness and the patterns of limited thinking I referred to above. Would you agree with that assessment? If so, have you explored your attitudes and expectations and how they contributed to you building up those resentments?

For example, if you look at the part of your response that I bolded, were you ever specifically asked by Walloped or your daughter to "take care of everything"? Did either of them specifically tell you it needed to be "perfect"? Or was that a projection of your own attitudes and expectations?

Earlier in this thread you said in response to another poster's questions I gave him 5 children. I’ve been with him and supported him emotionally and took care of him for most of my life. I helped him through graduate school. I raised our family. These kinds of statements and attitudes are what resentments and attitudes of entitlement are built upon as well. If you look at them closely, what do you see? Are they accurate? Did you really "give" Walloped 5 kids, or did you both create them together? Did Walloped ask you to "take care of him" or was that what YOU felt you needed to do? Why did you or do you believe he, as a grown man, needs to be taken care of? Do you really believe it was just you that raised your family - that Walloped did not contribute to raising them with you at all?

I also asked you "What exactly are the tools and mechanisms you have now? In what ways are they effective for you?" to which you responded that you engage in positive affirmations. How long have you been doing them? Do you feel that they have been effective in changing your sense of worthlessness? How so? Does doing them feel authentic to you?

Do you ever sit with your negative thoughts, lean into them and explore them more deeply? Do you get curious about why they are arising? About what triggered them? About their validity? Do you look at how you feed them with your perceptions? Are you able to have a more balanced, less black and white, view of them or do you engage in always/never thinking?

In talking about your continued need for external validation you said

It’s a cycle and I’m told a life long goal. But I still seek out approval. As much as I’m learning to be responsible for my own happiness I still love it and get goosebumps and smiley when I get complimented or my children are complimented or my cooking is or the house.

Have you asked Walloped how your continued need for approval and external validation affects him? What does he say and how does he feel about that? I see that a number of people have complimented you on this thread, how has that impacted you? Is it giving you that sense of approval? How much do you think that need for approval is keeping you from talking about your issues and asking for help? What is the worst thing you think would happen to you if you were vulnerable and opened yourself up to criticism? Do you see any value and potential for growth in vulnerability and opening yourself up to criticism?