SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

((Mrs))

I am a BS but wanted to say that it takes courage to post what you have done and to leave the stop sign off.

Owning your A is paramount and you have just demonstrated that you understand that concept by not only sharing your story but by allowing the BS spouses to post to it as well.

I am familiar with your story. It resonated with me because it was close to my dday and I am the same age with the same number of children so it hit close to home. Your H has always been a voice of reason on this forum even despite the pain he was in. I always found value in his comments and I am so happy to see that you value his efforts as well and are doing the hard work on yourself to be a safe partner to him.

Keep posting. You matter and you are important. Your experience will be a valuable lifeline to other WS who come here looking for help.

Welcome.

Hope

Thank you for sharing - we have very similar stories. My mom called me a wallflower growing up and was always competing with me. My Dad has always associated your financial net worth with your actual worth. I have spent my entire life trying to get the "great job!" from him that I'll never get. I finally met someone who loved me for me and when he told me how beautiful and caring I was I shrugged it off - how could I possible be all those things when I don't make a lot of money or look perfect every day. When actually, I was very strong after my first divorce - I fought hard for my young boys and went back to school so I could support them and bring them up successfully. But it still wasn't good enough. Even today I question my ability as a mother even though they tell me they never needed anything and they love me. I was being bullied at work and this COW looked out for me, told me I was amazing, and fought for me. My BH was doing the same thing - even hired a lawyer to take care of it! But I still ended up having an A. I know now that my BH is my partner, my best friend, my support and number one fan. I worry it's too late. Lots of hugs to you.

I can identify with a few points in your story. My wife too was on a high during her affair. I would come home after work and she would give me the best greetings ever. Of course she had been with him hours before. She even went as far to tell me later she had never loved me more than at this time.

She also said she did the same hot water scrub after the first time.

She was also like you in trying everything she could to get me engaged in our marriage.

Where our story differs is she didn’t have the decency to not have sex with me only hours after she had been with him .

Maybe if she didn’t we wouldn’t be finalizing our divorce after 30 years of marriage tomorrow.

I do look at your story as aspirational. You worked hard, and Wallopped has been amazing in his capacity to forgive. I think if I were half the man he was tomorrow might have been a different day

I get it.

And in no way was I implying that you'd deserve it. It's wrong. Period. I wasn't looking at it at all with the opinion of "what's good for the goose...." as far as cheating goes. Moreso, I was thinking about forgiveness. That he could forgive you but not vice versa. But I get it now, you explained it.

I'm very sorry if I made you cry. It's not often that we have someone like you here that we can ask questions of and talk to. So please don't take my comment as an attack.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:57 PM, February 7th (Wednesday)]

Mrs. Walloped- I hope you don’t mind me posting.

I see a lot of similarities in how you post and what you described as my ex wife.

No intention to threadjack, Maybe some backstory. It’s come to my attention that maybe, in fact I belong here. You see, in effective terms I have to accept that I am also a WS. But I was a BS first. I feel guilt for hurting my ex wife, and I can even understand your statement about divorcing your H if he cheated on you now. I don’t think you mean to say you don’t deserve repercussions for your actions, or that your husband wouldn’t deserve better if he so chooses to move on with someone else, but rather that if he does it, it shows you truly what you have become to him, knowing how it feels to be a BS means it would be out of maliciousness. I get it because I have been down that road

WS section is wierd for me. Admitting I am one has been tough for me, because I’m large part I identify as a BS, and honestly harbor some resent for cheating wives as I was a victim of one, sometimes I proeject and I don’t even mean to. But how I chose to respond was far from your husband. After discovering her infidelity I took it so hard I became an MH and ended up divorcing (my choice)

Maybe it’s because we were young, and had no kids. But I became a WS not exclusively to punish my wife (believe it or not, I deeply regret the hurt it caused her now), but rather to hurt the OM as best I know how. I know it sounds petty, but as a man, and I’m sure as a woman does too, I felt so humiliated and defeated by her actions and this other guy that I wanted him to burn literally and metaphorically. And to some extent I didn’t want to take out all the anger on my wife, as much as she deserved it because I wanted divert the rage bc I did love her. So I slept with the OMs wife and made her rub his nose in it. I wanted him to hurt, to reclaim territory and establish dominance. I wanted to fight back, I didn’t do it to hurt my ex, but I also didn’t care. And honestly, I feel no guilt for hurting him to this day, only my ex.

Years out, I am coming to really recognize that my treatment of my wife wasn’t right despite what she did. I doubt I’ll ever feel as if I am as guilty or bad as her level of deceit, but I am recognizing how I was wrong because of my feelings of guilt. And because your story triggered my memory of my ex wife. See, I knew she still loved me, and that deep down she wasn’t a bad person. She was truest remorseful and put up with hell from me after dday.

Maybe, if she had cheated at my current stage of life, I’d had really attempted R. But at that time I was blinded by revenge and humiliation, the feeling of emasculation, or losing to another man.

Sorry for the ramble but I am going somewhere with all this. I see true remorse in your post and your answers. I do wish you well, because I see so much my ex in how you are and your affair. Maybe you would be kind enough to give me some insight into your mind that I chose to ignore when my exw was trying to tell me after her dday.

One of my biggest sticking points was the physical display of intimacy and the sex. I couldn’t accept the fact that she was doing things with AP that we hadn’t explored too much. I was never rejected prior, but was nonetheless angry that someone got to explore what was mine to explore more when WE wanted. Did you do anything sexually with OM that you hadn’t Done for your H? If so how did he find peace with it? And as part of R have you made to a point to show H that going forward he is the man that will have experienced the deepest level of sexual adoration and intimacy with you? That nothing that was available to the OM is off the table for your H? That’s you now go out of your way to ensure that you’re husband feels sexually desired By you? I know it’s a tough set of questions, but unfortunately aloneness that many a BH grapple with. My ex offfered me anything sexually to get me to stay, including threesomes, but I think this is what driven the nail in the coffin for me, and I never Forgave.

As for your OM, does your husband ever have the desire to punish him? I know you mentioned that he was divorced by his wife as a consequence, and while that’s a positive for your H, did your husband ever desire hurting your AP? Or seeking vengeance? It was such a driver for me that I have To imagine in order to reconcile with you, he had To find a Way to move beyond feelings of wanting to kill your AP literally and figuratively. Maybe I was young, but I know those feelings were strong for me, and I couldn’t see past them at the time.

Finally, money. At the time of her affair, we weren’t wealthy but just starting our careers. One big obstacles for me for R was then fear of financial ruin. I couldn’t stomach the idea that conceivably if this happened at the age it did for you, if she was a sahm, that isn’t have to give her a dollar of money I worked for, as a reward for fucking another guy, or worse, end up paying for his lifestyle by extension. I’d rather have burned my money and moved overseas. Have you given your husband any peace of mind financially? If he were to divorce you tomorrow how would you handle henfinacial aspect? Would you expect alimony? Would you divide assets in husband favor? Have you given him a post nup? What have you done To show him he won’t be financially punished for your choices?

I recognize that my presence here is unusual. I am certainly no saint and am really coming to terms with what I did as an MH, which is often clouded with my feelings as a BH. But please know that your answers are helpful to me. Maybe I can get some insight into what my exw was thinking, and start working through I felt so compelled to act how I did, despite her remorse. You seem to have Done a lot right, and I would genuinely appreciate your candid responses to the questions i never reallly had to resolve with my ex since I divorced her .

Thank you

[This message edited by nicenomore at 10:58 PM, February 7th (Wednesday)]

MrsWalloped,

I have to admit that I am not someone who supports R often, but then again I rarely witness a WS display remorse, accept responsibility for their affair, and actively take huge efforts to be a safe partner for their BS again. In Walloped's case, I think he made the right decision to commit to R with you.

I've read many posts of Walloped describing of your actions post D-Day. It's nice to view things from your perspective as well.

All the best to both of you in continuing your journey through R to a stronger, happier marriage.

He told people about that? Oh God.

Have you read your husbands threads?

You've opened the floodgates and I suspect will elicit the same kind of following as your husband's many posts.

Early on he mentioned your miscarriages, but didn't dwell on them too much, but later it became apparent that he thought about them a lot & went back & forth about how much bearing they had on the A.

How much do you feel they influenced your state of mind either physically or psychologically?

Interesting that during your shower you knew you'd have sex with OM again. I think W was under the impression that you'd resolved not to- until it happened again.

How come you didn't select the name Walloper? Sorry- probably not funny. First thing that popped into my head when I saw you were posting.

Hope I'm not too nosy. God be with you both.

Thank you MrsWalloped for sharing. Sharing your story willI help a great number of people.

It's not often we see a deeply thought out and fair self-assessment from a WS. How you tie FOO issues with your affair, and how you describe desperately traded sex for attention makes perfect sense to what I have come to believe happened during my WW's affair. At the end of the day, it's not about the AP or BS, it's about the internal desperation of the WS. The AP can anybody that was able and willing. It sounds like you found a great IC to help you work through your internal battles.

I wish you and Mr Walloped the very best. I suspect you both have grown upwards and towards each other to become a very, very wise couple. I'll take a guess that life outside your marriage has also improved, and that maybe your next step in reconciliation, if not yet complete, is forgiving and self-forgiving. Please be proud of the work you have accomplished during reconciliation; not every WS has the courage and strength to do it. I would also like to say that my learning how FOO issues contributed to my wife's affair and knowing how difficult it was for her to work through it are what helped me to forgive my wife and rebuild trust.

I echo what has been stated by others that I think you will be a real asset to SI and I thank you for finding courage to post. Walloped has been an inspiration, supportive and sometimes forceful as a contributor to this valuable but painful site.

To be honest I'm a little jealous. I believe, as you've said, Walloped thinks about the adultery everyday. So do I. What I'm jealous about is what happened after DDay from you as compared to my WW. I wanted to attempt R but felt I never got a chance.

Lots of FOO, etc. in my WW's life, too. Those things seemed to me to be used as reasons or excuses by her. I called them contributing factors not the why. It warms my heart when I read your words of not using contributing factors (and factors they are, IMO) as excuses or "no wonder...".

My WW never heard my compliments, praise, love talk, etc. Her COW AP did none of that but apparently she made him special in her mind and felt light and happy, happy when she'd been with him. She never turned him down either. When he called she went. She was like fine wine and became more beautiful with age. She didn't like to be naked before me, honourably earned stretch marks and all, but would walk naked with him in hotel rooms and his house. That hurts. I understand Wallop's pain over that and over some activities that occurred.

I hope you stay on SI. I do believe you'll be a valuable asset, especially in Wayward forum, like the remorseful WS's that continue to provide guidance to new arrivals (and some not so new). You'll meet and recognize those people soon enough as you read here. You probably already do recognize many.

As I said, I'm somewhat jealous. Our spouse's adultery is part of our life. It will always be part of our life as it is part of theirs. It will fade and become less traumatic with time, work and, I believe, good therapy but will not be forgotten. I am jealous because I don't believe the opportunity to try and R was made available to me. I resent, now, the wasted time. I'm bitter I wasn't provided the opportunity. That's the difference of what happens after DDay.

My best wishes to you and Walloped. Thank you for your courage to come here and post. I pray it helps you and Walloped on your healing pathways.

Your husband’s story was one of the first I read on SI.

I don’t have a lot of time this morning. I will re-read and reflect on this post more later.

I would like to make a comment on the divorce issue. I do not believe your “absolute conviction” you would divorce if your husband had cheated.

None of us knows what we would do until it happens.

You are a SAHM, still have children at home. Thoughts come into your mind such as. (Remember for your husband to cheat he isn’t the man you knew).

My children have a lifestyle. Could I afford certain things on my own?

How would college be paid for? Less money to go around two households.

Could I be without my children?

How would my children be affected with divorced parents in the crowd who can’t sit near each other?

Do I want my ex-husband’s girlfriends around my children?

Would my ex-husband teach them morality or would he allow my children to wake up to different girlfriends in his bed as he dated?

It is very easy to say I will divorce. I know I said it sooo many times. It’s also very interesting how many of my friends said they would divorce until these same friends saw this happen to me. Just the threat of children having a stepmother for me and my close friends as they saw me go through this. Not myself and not my friends fault me. They agree.

Not saying you are using words such as fault. My point is until the reality actually happens to you. A person doesn’t know what she will do.

I would like to make a comment on the divorce issue. I do not believe your “absolute conviction” you would divorce if your husband had cheated.

A comment on what happened in my house. My BH wanted me to say this. I think in his world he wanted me to see that the rules didn't apply to me (true). At first I agreed with him (yes I'd divorce you if you cheated on me). Year later I took it back because yes you're absolutely correct. None of us knows how we will react to anything until it happens to you.

[This message edited by Root at 9:09 AM, February 8th (Thursday)]

I have another thought. This is why I like the wayward forum. The self reflection and momentum for healing in these threads is so beneficial.

Please don’t say your husband is the stronger of you two.

I don’t believe that. To R to truly R...it takes strength. To sit in front of the person you caused complete destruction to. To listen. To correct behaviors.

It’s easier to walk away with righteous injustice. We all see it here everyday on SI.

Mrs. Walloped,

I don't post often but your story hit home to me. Your story could have been my wife. I learned more about my wife's thinking during her affairs from reading your story than I have in the last two years of talking to her, IC and MC. Truly amazing.

Thank you for sharing; you have no idea how many people you are helping by being here, being honest and being real.

One more question if I may. (You've probably got a whole new career answering questions on here if you're willing.)

Your older sister apparently stood up for herself pretty forcefully against your father. You concentrated more on your mother. Was your sister's relationship with your mom akin to yours?

You seemed to imply that the only reason you were involved in charity work was so people would think well of you. W compared you favorably to Mother Teresa. Don't you think sometimes you're a little TOO rough on yourself?

I just spent the morning reading your husbands posts. Wow, I can relate to a lot of what you said, how you felt, how your affair made you feel, as well as the repercussions from the affair and the damage to your husband and kids. Even right down to finding out you weren't the only affair partner. It always amazes me how many of the "special" relationships just are basically textbook affairs, nothing true, real or amazing.

I am so happy for you that things have worked toward reconciliation. That remains to be seen for me, but I am hopeful for a similar outcome.

Thank you for sharing and posting your story!

Mrs. Walloped just let me add to the people that benefit from reading things like this. Sharing this as you did is so helpful to anyone reading on this board.

As someone who is further out I think I have an easier time relating to your journey as I've seen my wife take a similar one. It can be very hard for a BS to understand how painful that "fixing of oneself," can be for a WS that has remorse. Painful, but necessary.

You have to start defining yourself from this day forward or that day forward. The only way the past becomes the past is if it is dealt with and incorporated into the larger narrative of your life. No one can change the past, but we can heal from it.

A lot of WS aren't trying to escape their BS, when they have an A, they are trying to escape themselves. In seems preferable to pretend to be someone else with someone that agrees to provide a framework for that "play acting," while also tacitly agreeing not to interject too much reality that shatters the illusion/fantasy. FWIW I am not justifying anyone having any type of A. Understanding without condoning is an important distinction.

On the topic of RA would lead to WS Ding the former BS. . . I think BS tend to focus on that a lot because it becomes yet another aspect of this (despite being hypothetical in most cases) that increases the feeling of unfairness. Being a BS is just plain not fair and it bristles us to have to accept any more.

"Ok, we will have a faithful M, starting . . ., 'now.'" There isn't a way for BS that has not fully found their full grace to see that as anything but hypocrisy. It is too easy to label it as seeming "ungrateful for a second chance."

It is important to remember that while this might be a boundary that you both have agreed to put in place. (Any A in the future ends the M). I'd bet you would show your husband a greater compassion and grace everywhere else. Showing gratitude does not mean damaging yourself in the process. Grace can't be looked at as a zero sum game. By it's very nature it is selfless.

Further I'd bet you accepted new boundaries that your H has asked for that weren't acceptable prior to Dday. He gets dealbreakers outside of the A too.

Sorry to add to that much extra, but I think those later points get lost when discussing the RA and the WS's hypothetical reaction to it.