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When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Luckycline posted 7/19/2020 14:44 PM

I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is that she was just suddenly gone. One day she's running my back and kissing my head goodbye, the next she's left and won't talk to me. Only explanation was basically I don't know if I love you anymore. Then after DDay told me to never contact her again. After knowing her since I was 12, being married for seven years. She's just gone and I haven't even gotten a "hope you're doing ok" message. It's like I never existed to her. It's a whole extra layer of shit over the pain of her infidelity with multiple guys. I still hope she's doing well and worry about her, but it seems I could die tomorrow and she wouldn't care in the least.

suckstobeme posted 7/25/2020 00:01 AM

Lucky - youíre not alone. Itís almost impossible to grasp, especially in the beginning, that this person who was your most trusted friend and confidante all of a sudden turns into the enemy in your camp. I donít know how they just seem to erase us. My ex admitted to me one time that he purposely forgot all of our memories and everything about our life together so that he doesnít have to remember who I really am. He doesnít allow himself to think about my smile or my laugh or any fun times together because then he will have to face how much he hurt me. He also seems to somewhat erase our kids from his life. Weíve been grappling with this pandemic for months now and he never bothered to zoom with them or send regular texts to see how they were handling virtual school and not seeing friends, etc. He just went about his own business and sort of forgot that they were over here. How people do that to their own flesh and blood is an even bigger mystery.

Although it doesnít seem like it now, one day you will be happy that your ex didnít send a ďhope youíre wellĒ text. That kind of communication only keeps you off kilter and sad and wondering whether there are any feelings left. You donít need that. You donít need her and her empty words.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 12:09 AM, July 25th (Saturday)]

susielee posted 7/26/2020 16:56 PM

I am so sorry for all the hearache indured.

My ex initially told me he was "in love" and he wanted a divorce because he and this "girl" wanted to marry. Wouldn't tell me who the "girl" was until about three weeks later. I use the itallics because when I found out who it was, she hadn't seen "girl" in many many moons. She was the town whore, overweight, and looked like she had been rode hard and put up wet.

Anyway, he moved out; but wanted me to keep it quiet, because he needed space to get his head on straight. He thought we could work it out, but needed space. I kept it quiet for three weeks. Then I gave up and called my family.

I then called him and told him since he wanted the divorce he needed to file. He said I don't want to hurt you, you can file. I said nope your decision you file. So he did.

Then about a month after our legal seperation he called and wanted to try again, so I let him come home. Huge mistake. He was awful to me, and by the ened of the week I kicked him out.

Our divorce took a year, and he tried three times that I remember to try again, I never would after the first attempt.

He married her two months after he had called me to ask for another chance. So weird. Though I was really happy they married. I thought for sure he was going to just be single, and I wanted him to marry her and live out his fantasy.

Together they ran up two hundred thousand dollars worth of gambling debts and had to file bankruptcy. Then they caused my son and his wife all sort of hurt and blew up that relationship. So sounds like they are living the dream.

Lots more but that is the gist of it.

One thing I have noticed in a lot of these cases is that the WS (usually the men) always wants space to figure out who they want, yet they always share that space with the AP, and stay away from the wife. They rarely stay with the wife and stay away from the AP. Sometimes they stay with the wife but still screw the AP, but never stay with the AP and still go back to be intimate with the wife. You would think if they really wanted to figure things out the sensible thing to do would be to actually be alone.

Of course that may be because the wife won't tolerate it. I know I wouldn't. I think that was what his trying to come back was. He didn't want the marriage back, he just wanted to destabilize me for his own advantage. But, no thanks.

99problems posted 7/26/2020 23:32 PM

Welp, I belong here now. My story is that my first dday was July 2017, found multiple (4) APs 2 weeks later. Stbxw wanted to reconcile, and I agreed to try. She lovebombed and I fell for it, and stayed married for 4 more years(most of which were bad) until I discovered another ap, and then a few more ones.
So one of the differences here is that I was ready for divorce at that moment.
But yes, stbxw is still with AP. And that's not gonna change. She has become a brutal, uncaring, harpish shrew who lives to push my buttons. Ive taken to blocking her(temporarily, I share a 7yo DD with her so cannot, tho I desperately wish I could, go full nc). I continued to be mystified and bewildered by her actions until I recently read about covert narcissism. Now every weird and unfathomable story in 13 years of being together makes perfect, crystal clear sense. It doesn't save me from the memories of the pain, but it does save me from future pain ruminating and being in pointless contact with her. I'd always operated on the concept that she was at least free of personality disorders, knowing this frees me to react in an informed manner and it's working great.

AbandonedGuy posted 7/27/2020 10:59 AM

One thing I have noticed in a lot of these cases is that the WS (usually the men) always wants space to figure out who they want, yet they always share that space with the AP, and stay away from the wife.

Susielee, the women do that too. This is exactly what my ex-wife did, twice.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/27/2020 12:25 PM

Or they just bring the AP into your bed and replace you

For those that waffle back and forth, yes, I think they typically stay with the AP while they're "figuring it out" because they've already made the decision but they're too much of a coward to actually say it. Cheating is a coward's way out no matter what.

In my XH's case, I think he was doing the waffling while we were still together, unbeknownst to me. I didn't know there was another woman, so to me it just felt like extreme mood swings. But he's also a generally moody person who likely has BPD, so even though the swings were extreme, I hate to say, I was kind of used to it. Went from buying me a Best Wife Ever t-shirt to screaming at me about how I didn't care about him in a matter of hours. Kept talking about "pressure" like it was this mystical, nebulous force making him act like this.

I think ultimately keeping up with the lies was killing him. Every day there was some new inconsistency that I would point out. He would say he was going to one place, then later slip and say he went somewhere else. Lots of "I'll be home at ____" then when I call because he hasn't shown up, I would get "I never said that!"

And yes, Lucky, the sudden abandonment is the biggest mindfuck of this whole experience. I was the one who left (my step daughters still live there, and I knew if I stayed he would have forced them to stay at the AP's house), so I never even got to sleep in my own bed again. Not that I would have wanted to after catching them together in it. It was just so surreal. Just like that, my husband was no longer my husband and my home was no longer my home. We had lived there for 5 years. The longest I had ever been in one place since I graduated high school and left my parents' house. I was reeling for months, staying in my parents' guest bedroom and barely getting out of bed.

Susie, wow, that amount of debt is insane. Mine is shacked up with his AP and they're doing meth together, on the verge of being evicted from his apartment because of numerous noise violations. So clearly his life is going well. My eldest step daughter came to me crying because she found a pipe "hidden" amongst towels in the bathroom over July 4th weekend. Sadly, she still thinks there is some perfect combination of words she can say to get him to shape up and stop being such a piece of shit.

Idiot mcstupid, yes, covert narcissism research was eye opening for me too. Kind of like the curtain being drawn back on the Wizard of Oz, huh? I just couldn't wrap my head around my XH being a true narcissist, because he was far too down on himself too often. I work in entertainment, I know what narcissists look like. He just didn't quite fit that bill. Too much self doubt, and the rapid mood swings that I couldn't make sense of. Discovering BPD (borderline personality disorder) was the big aha moment. Everything about our entire relationship suddenly fell into place and made sense. BPD shares a lot of similarities with narcissism, but there are a couple of other things that distinguish it. Tricky part is, a lot of people can have comorbid BPD and NPD - apparently this combo is more common in men.

I highly suggest the YouTube channel by Dr. Ramani. She has quick, easy digestable videos on all different characteristics of narcissists. Even if you're not with the narcissist anymore, it is validating to hear that this is "normal," and that you weren't just imagining your experience.

AbandonedGuy posted 7/27/2020 21:38 PM

Dr. Ramani is good. I also recommend Surviving Narcissism. All very good info that will help you cope with what just happened, which is indeed a total mindfuck. No wonder people speak of children growing up with "abandonment issues". This happened to me as a mid 30s adult and it still had a deep effect.

Cooley2here posted 8/17/2020 23:20 PM

So many of you describe sociopathic behaviors. Unless seen by an expert itís useless to diagnose here, (I am not an expert) but people who canít love are not complete humans. Actually elephants, dogs etc. all have the ability to love so your exs are even less than that. I watched an expert explain the difference between a psychopath and a narcissist. One is born, one is made but they are never good companions.
Never worry about their ďwhyĒ. They donít care. You are useful to them until you arenít. Itís that simple.

99problems posted 8/18/2020 01:38 AM

Yes. I struggle with having given 13 years of my life and half of a child to a person who "is not a whole person" but in the end that is the reality and I must accept it.
A shit sandwich indeed. I'd actually quantify it as a 5 course shit dinner but let's not quibble.

WasSheWorthIt posted 8/22/2020 10:33 AM

Hi all.
I've not been on here for a while. I had to step back to help me heal.
So it's 2 years since numbnuts let for his new toy. Things have improved for me emotionally thank god. Any bad days are not about him anymore but the scars he left me with.
I was a part-time worker at the time he left but I'm working full time now. It's helped a lot that I work with people who don't know my story.
My kids all young adults now seem to be doing fine and are very much at "meh" where he's concerned. Three of them still live at home. Sometimes they see him most times they don't. They never talk about him which is sad for them but it is what it is.
Numbnuts is trying to have a relationship
with them but it's very much on their terms. None of them have met the skank and have no intentions of ever doing so. Numbnuts thought they would be happy for him once they got used to the situation and skank was so willing to love them like her own. Nope..
I caught a glimpse of him very briefly a couple of weeks ago. That's the first I've seen him in nearly 18 months. He looks like a skeleton, he's lost so much weight and has aged about 10 years. As bad as this sounds, it made me feel good. Maybe he's not living his best life after all. I know I shouldn't care but I'm human and I'm glad he looks like shit.

Bookgirl posted 8/22/2020 18:28 PM

Wassheworthit 💪🏻♥️👏👏👏👏

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 6:30 PM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

MistletoeEl posted 9/26/2020 18:15 PM

Hi everyone, my partner of 5 years left for our co-worker he claimed was just a ďfriendĒ out of the blue 3 months ago. I loved him to pieces and he was my best friend but I was so blindsided by this as weíd moved in together only 4 weeks before he left. I know what she looks like and had to see her at work every day. Iíve had to leave the job because I couldnít cope seeing them anymore. He claims to everyone else that everything happened after he left me and he ďdidnít know she liked himĒ but I know thatís not true as when I went to hand in my notice, even my manager told me theyíd been having an EA for months behind my back. And looking back there were plenty of signs eg him being overly critical of me, protective of his phone, focusing on his appearance etc...Iíve been told heís happy by mutual friends and I canít see their relationship ending anytime soon. Iím so broken and have become suicidal over this. I just keep comparing myself to her and thinking about how good their relationship must be. Sheís so pretty and funny! Itís not fair they get to be happy and I am here in so much pain. I just think about all the good times we had and how good I was too him. I just donít understand how he could not care. I feel so worthless and not good enough. Any advice about how to begin to get over this would be appreciated. Does it ever get better? Will I ever find love again? (He was my first ever relationship as we were talking about getting married the day he left.) Iím just so lost and broken.

[This message edited by MistletoeEl at 6:17 PM, September 26th (Saturday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 9/26/2020 19:37 PM


This affects everyone differently, and we all have our own timeline for dealing with emotional bullshit, but I can tell you that yes, yes yes yes, it gets so much better. It was 2 years from DDay at the start of the month, and I couldn't be better. I've been focusing on every single aspect of my life and improving all of it. I've lost weight, I'm crushing my career, and most importantly, I've found the kind of inner peace that I never even knew existed. The best part? I did it all on my own. No girlfriend/wife to support me. No family support beyond listening to me complain all those times in that first year. Nobody did this shit but ME. I did this all by my lonesome. And it feels like I climbed Mt. Everest.

Don't ever stop the work. Don't ever stop believing in yourself. And don't ever ever ever ever EVER think you needed your ex-POS around to get the things you want in life. I'm just some guy. I set my goals, I pursued them, I attained them. Victory is sweet. You can do this, too. The emotional rollercoaster is a sumbitch, but don't wait for it to be over before you start goal-setting. Start today. Become the person you want to be. Do all the things you want to do. Don't dilly dally because time is running out for all of us.

BentandBroken posted 10/22/2020 08:42 AM

I am 4 weeks shy of 1 year from Dday. Separated the entire time. xWH has continued his "relationship" with current AP, who is also married. We are officially split with a property settlement agreement in place since April of 2020.

It's been a rollercoaster from hell, but I am solidly on the road to healing now. I have slowly pulled myself back from the edge and started re-building my life. Just 10 months ago, my mother had to come stay with me because....well...it wasn't pretty. I honestly didn't know if I could survive. But then...

I secured a full time job in June. I refinanced the house in my name and removed him from the deed. Two months ago the OBS, who is a much better sleuth than I am, found me and contacted me. I have done my best to support him through his own shattering discovery (dDay August 10, 2020) as he endures IHS. We talk on the phone and have coffee occasionally.

I met a "friend" who provides companionship on hikes, bike rides, kayaking trips and other outdoor activities. No strings attached. Things are much better now, although I still have a ways to go.

I am posting because I am curious to know if this has happened to anyone else. Over the last 2 months, xWH (technically xWBF because we never married) has gone ape shit crazy. He has sent emails with ridiculous lies about our history and his affair - claims I ended it, so of course he had to cheat. He threatened to take the house back, and even had an attorney send a demand letter. I talked to the attorney and provided documentation to correct the misinformation xWH had provided and the attorney actually said he believed his client (xWH) was "hurt." WTF??? One of the threatening emails from xWH used a salutation he would never use, and spelled my name wrong. Can I assume the AP wrote that one? He closed one of his nastygrams with "don't ever contact me again" yet proceeded to send two more.

For my part, I have not responded to any of it, except for calling the attorney to head off a frivolous lawsuit. But I can't help wondering,

Is this the result of his consequences catching up with him? Is he lashing out because he needs someone to blame for his unhappiness? Is his "good guy" image of himself clashing with being caught by the OBS? Does anyone have similar stories to share?

ShatteredSakura posted 10/23/2020 16:51 PM

One of the threatening emails from xWH used a salutation he would never use, and spelled my name wrong. Can I assume the AP wrote that one?

That definitely is a bit suspicious. Some people can be careless though especially if emotional. Have you known him to misspell your name in the past?

My xWW doesn't, the AP I've heard is atrocious spelling wise so that might be an indicator for me!

This weekend marks roughly 1 year of separation for me (I don't quite remember the exact date, just remember around Oct 25th).

If he's unhappy, it could be explain things. xWW in early September started messaging me that she and AP "split up" and begged to see me. I wouldn't have it...and a few weeks later they were back again and doing "couples counseling". She never really left in truth, she's just been unhappy. It's really sad to be honest.

It's good you're doing better.

99problems posted 10/23/2020 17:08 PM

I am pretty sure that a few text messages that the Stbxw sent me were written by AP.
Nice relationship they've got there.
I don't receive messages from her anymore, so that solved the problem pretty well.

hopefullife posted 12/7/2020 08:38 AM

I only received messages from AP back when we were still together. I thought AP was one of his employees, messaged me when he wasn't responding, saying he was needed. Lol, I was so ignorant and stupid then.

It's been more than a year of separation. And this month would have marked our 3yr anniversary. I am surprised at how far I have come in healing. I feel so much better than I ever thought is possible. I still get attacks. Nights still come where I cry myself to sleep. But it's less and I've come to accept that the trauma will stay longer. I detoxify with the tears that come once in a while.

Hope everyone is doing better.

BentandBroken posted 12/16/2020 10:06 AM

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing. The holidays can be rough, and I personally have been in a multi-week funk. I hate that I'm giving headspace to xWH and AP but I wonder constantly whether they are...

...happily shopping together for Christmas
...sipping wine by the fire at the cabin that used to be our happy place
...planning an amazing future once her divorce becomes final
...hanging out with couples that used to be our friends

I don't know that any of this is happening. Or that it isn't. I am just over a year out from Dday, the same day I tossed him out. They don't live together, that I know of. Last I knew she still went home to her BS and child every night. They were living in limbo for months, but now I don't know. I imagine the worst. Not exactly productive thinking.

Is anyone else struggling with this type of thing? The only thing that seems to stop the ruminating is endless hours of TV whilst simultaneously playing games on my phone.

hopefullife posted 12/22/2020 09:58 AM

Bentandbroken, I used to. Sometimes still do, but a lot less and sometimes with no pain at all, only a thought that passes. I'm not numb, or maybe am XD but all I can really do is try to find closure on my own. Something I'll never get from him. He acted as if he left a stranger, not a wife he's been in a relationship with for 10yrs. Acceptance is tough, but it's the way to go.

The holidays are challenging indeed, also what would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary. I haven't checked their social media, I no longer get the urge, but today I happen to pass by their profiles and saw they did a photoshoot as a family. I'm not as triggered. We're done. I expected the worst. I'm just in awe at their audacity to flaunt the relationship. Guess need to just accept this too. I'll never get decency from the two.

My breakdowns are mostly consists of fears and anxiety about my compromised future. I'm done with him, but I wish I didn't have heavy baggages going through life solo. I feel like I'm starting this with heavy rocks tied to my feet. Sometimes I worry the rocks will drag me back to where I started. I can only hope I'll be stronger if it happens.

Nonetheless, looking forward to the holidays. A welcome vacation from all the hardwork put into this year. Hope we all find positivity even in the smallest things. Happy holidays everyone.

BentandBroken posted 12/22/2020 19:58 PM

Thank you for posting, Hopefullife. You wrote

I feel like I'm starting this with heavy rocks tied to my feet. Sometimes I worry the rocks will drag me back to where I started. I can only hope I'll be stronger if it happens.

I can truly relate. The setbacks/regression/lost ground - whatever you want to call it - is real. And frustrating. But it does seem slightly easier to start moving forward again each time it happens.

Wishing a warm and happy holiday to all who are struggling with healing.

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