SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Squid, I have followed your story and I wanted to chime in.

You stated that you've felt like a failure not being able to make it work with your wife and what will people think about you.

The ONLY person you are accountable to is the man in the mirror. You!!!

Who cares what people might think about you.

That said, the people who you've confided in, let them know what's going on, you know what they think about you?

That you are a MAN with conviction.

That you are not selfish as you were trying to do anything you could to save your family because you love your children more then you love yourself.

That even though your wife betrayed you that you were willing to give her the gift of reconciliation.

That you have a ton of inner strength. That you got BLINDSIDED by a massive punch, it knocked you down, but squid didn't stay down. No, he picked himself up, not once, but numerous times, and kept pressing forward because he wasn't a quitter.

Squid I could go on and on about all these great things on how people will see you. However as I mentioned you are the one that has to look at your reflection in the mirror every day. You have to live with the choices you make. It ALL STARTS WITH YOU and you my friend have NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

Your kids are extremely blessed to have you as their father.

Do what you've been focused doing all along and that's to look out for them. Go make some wonderful new memories with them. I know if you were my dad I would be PROUD to call you my father and I would feel your love for me.

That my friend is what it's all about. Loving yourself enough that your cup runneth over so that you can shower your loved ones with love.

God bless you and your family.

Hey, guys.

I just noticed the last few comments today. Been hanging around JFO and the General forum for the last couple of days. JFO is like triage around here. Trying to help out wherever I can.

Thanks for the support.

This post is a goldmine if advice. Seriously. What an amazing group of people we have on SI!

I divorced a man who couldn’t be bothered to get his shit together, after trying for almost 9 months post DDay to make it work. I was fighting the battle alone. It’s a lonely way to fight, as you know.

I wanted to say something: I make about 30% more than my ex. He has a history of job hopping and excessive alcohol use, and he’s a pothead. I was SO WORRIED about divorcing him and him possibly falling apart. And he kind of did. And then? He found another woman to mother him, to replace me. So the worry was unfounded because really these types of people will just jump onto the next lilypad they find. PLEASE don’t spend a moment worrying about how SHE will make it. It’s not your problem any longer.

I worried because we have kids. But my kids are so ok. And though they don’t know about his A (they were 6 and 8 and I didn’t feel it was the right timing to tell them then), they see him very clearly. They tell me and all their friends how mom is the fun, engaged, involved parent and they love being at my house. They also tell them how dad is boring and grumpy and can’t be alone because he can’t take care of himself. I used to wish like Hell they didn’t have to see or know those things and it made me feel guilty. And then one day my super sensitive and intuitive son (he’s 8) told me, “Mom, dad never treated you right. He was always mean and made you sad, and I am so happy because you’re happy now.” See, even when we were married they saw him for what he was, and turns out they now see ME as strong and capable because I am free of it. Like they say: The kids WILL be alright.

Just sending you lots of support.

Squid,

I want to thank you for you post. It's a goldmine and one that I have a feeling I'll be referring to several times over in the next few months and possibly year or two.

Like you, I tried desperately to keep my family together. Coming from a broken family myself, it means everything to me. My kids are 9 and 6 and I don't want them to be scarred from this. God knows I tried. At that same time, I BETRAYED HER from a career/financial/provider standpoint. I just couldn't get it together after the affair. My family has suffered as a result. But I'm certain that I would not have been at this point had she NOT had the affair. One fed the other.

I should have started separation/divorce 2 years ago but now I'm operating from a point of weakness, not strength as I'm physically injured and unemployed. She's initiating the separation and divorce. I've got six months to find a job and make living arrangements or I'm out on the street. I'm more determined than ever to get my life together for myself and my children.

Still, I look at how I wasn't able to get it together and I hate myself. I feel shame and guilt. Unless I get past this, I won't be able to move forward and do better. Be better.

Like me, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I've followed your story and I'm confident you'll move forward to better things in your life. I admire your attitude and tenacity. Thank you for you inspiration.

Reegz,

God knows I tried. At that same time, I BETRAYED HER from a career/financial/provider standpoint. I just couldn't get it together after the affair. My family has suffered as a result. But I'm certain that I would not have been at this point had she NOT had the affair. One fed the other.

Like you, I carried a lot of guilt pre A for kind of the same issues. Stuck in a decently paying yet dead-end job. Money always tight. Stress from that poured over into the marriage and I became complacent. We lost sight of each other. She became unhappy.

But then I realized, thanks to my SI family, that it wasn't my job to make her happy. Not in the sense of propping up her self esteem. I mean, I worked, kept the family fed, took her out on dates and vacations. But no matter what I could do, she would never be happy because she couldn't find happiness within herself. She blamed me for all her unhappiness. Then she checked out and sought out. And...well, we all know what happened next.

In my case, my WW kept (keeps) trying to argue that the hurt that I caused her years ago in the marriage were somehow equal to her affair. She kept saying the actions were different but the pain is the same. She never could get it.

It's pointless now to ruminate over it. We've simply hit a wall. And it most certainly was caused by her A. I would have been up to the challenge of R. But I see she's nowhere near ready.

ADryHeat,

Yes, this thread is a goldmine. I've got it pinned to my bookmarks bar so I can access it often.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

[This message edited by squid at 8:52 AM, January 26th, 2018 (Friday)]

I find the fact this post is top of this forum today an interesting coincidence...or sign maybe. Today, I made the decision to file for divorce. It’s something my subconscious has been telling me all along, but I wasn’t ready to decide it. He just can’t give me what I deserve and I’m tired of asking for it and not getting it. It’s tough because we talk every day, he fills my companion void, but hasn’t rolled out the red carpet and shown me he will do anything to keep me as his wife. We’ve been separated almost a year and we are still in the same place. I deserve better and I’m done not getting.

This isn’t even about his infidelity. It’s so much more than that. I’m scared of what life will be like single, since we’ve been together since high school. But I can’t let fear drive my decisions.

I didn’t read any of the posts here. Just posting on a thread that seemed to touch on a divorce decision just when I made it.

PS- he doesn’t know I’ve decided this. The filing will be a surprise.

In my case, my WW kept (keeps) trying to argue that the hurt that I caused her years ago in the marriage were somehow equal to her affair. She kept saying the actions were different but the pain is the same. She never could get it.

Squid....I’m pretty sure our WW’s are the exact same person. Yes I became complacent. Yes our marriage got “stale”. But we had kids, bills, work etc. that took priority. I was in the same marriage XWW was. I felt the same frustrations she felt. The difference between her and I.......I wasn’t willing to piss it all away. She was.....just to make herself happy.

And I find it mind boggling to say her cheating and me becoming complacent are equal. But it sounds like this is common response from WWs.

Yea at this point I just don’t even care anymore. I just found out my divorce will be official the end of Feb. I can not wait. I’m ready to pull the plug on this shit show.

Hey Bish— you know when you know. Good luck. Start your own thread for tons of support through this. The gang here in S/D is great!

SuperDaddy,

Squid....I’m pretty sure our WW’s are the exact same person. Yes I became complacent. Yes our marriage got “stale”. But we had kids, bills, work etc. that took priority. I was in the same marriage XWW was. I felt the same frustrations she felt. The difference between her and I.......I wasn’t willing to piss it all away. She was.....just to make herself happy.

And I find it mind boggling to say her cheating and me becoming complacent are equal. But it sounds like this is common response from WWs.

It's gotta be re-writing the marital history bullshit.

If my WW spent the same amount of energy working on our marriage that she did to hide and cover up and sneak around all the other crap she pulled last year we may have had a shot at saving our marriage. Pisses me off so much.

Bish,

It's not easy coming to the decision to end your marriage. Lord knows, it's the last thing I wanted to do. But, well, that's where I am.

You’re right squid. I don’t even know exactly when my WW’s affair started (I have a guess). But like u said if she put that amount of energy into our marriage we might have been able to save it.

squid...I know ending your marriage is the last thing u want. But like me, your hands are tied. You have no other option.

Right now it’s a raw wound. Your bandage is the 180 no contact.

If you keep the bandage on you’ll heal.

If not that wound will linger.

It may not seem like it now but it is going to dissipate and you will get out of this.

Better times are ahead.

When one door closes another will open. I’ve never seen that not happen. That’s why you let them go so you can remake your life.

It is really up to you.

Hey squid

I get such a warm glow from reading this thread.

D is not where you wanted to be, but when that was forced on you you did not lie down and die. You chose to make the world a better place despite it.

Just look at the posts to this thread, and see how you starting this thread, has helped so many others.

I am finding out that successful D is all about. not wallowing in what life has thrown at us, but taking what we have been given, and making the world a better place, despite it.

Soldier on my friend.

So good to have you as part of the community

I am finding out that successful D is all about. not wallowing in what life has thrown at us, but taking what we have been given, and making the world a better place, despite it.

I'm definitely still in the wallowing part. Like I have to literally shake my head a couple times a day to snap myself out of it.

Reading TexasHunter41's post today in the General forum brought back a lot of crappy emotions.

Still trying to figure out what my new beginning is supposed to look like. But I am trying to soldier on. More like trudge on.

I know what you mean about TH's thread.

He posted a bit in my JFO thread towards the end of it. At the same time he was quite prolific in starting a few of his own threads. He was clearly having a hard time. Then posted one which was clearly emotional. It me worried.

He then went dark for a long while and I got worried. PM'ed him, but nothing. I then saw that recently, he has posted to a few threads. When I saw his this morning I was relieved.

Reading it I found it so beautiful, I have been too emotional to post anything there yet.

It seems so wrong to call anything that communicates such hurt, beautiful, but it is beautiful in the way it communicates the love I felt. Complete and unreserved love, better than anything else I have read anywhere else. I will have to muster the courage to post something there.

More like trudge on

As long as it is forward, march, trudge, crawl, leopard crawl, all good. Forward. That is all that matters.

Would you mind a t/J for a moment?

You were so supportive of me on the thread about my DD's friend, the one I then referred to as DDF. The one with the jerk father and where there was some challenge getting her into University. Well today is her first day at University.

I can't wait to get home and find out how it has gone.

Edit to correct typos. Struggling to master the keyboard on a new phone

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 8:52 AM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

As long as it is forward, march, trudge, crawl, leopard crawl, all good. Forward. That is all that matters.

This. Keep telling yourself this. Some days it was how I got through - repeating it over and over, like I had some kind of demonic possession.

"When you are going through hell - keep going."

So last week I sent my WW an email asking if she's been looking into apartments where she's considering moving to. Today she pulled me aside and said she did and that she wanted to further talk about things. She also told me that there is a potential research opportunity for her in Texas (I think) and that may impact when her move out day might be and that we should talk about it later. I emailed her this evening about the potential of her being out of state for her research. She emailed back, "You don't want to talk in person about this?" I replied, "If we're not going to discuss repairing our marriage, let's just keep our conversations in this email."

She tried to convince me to keep things "normal" when DD18 came home for spring break. Which I assume means that she'll still be here in the house by then and act "normal" while DD18 was here with her friends from college. I'm not interested in that at all.

I won't lie. I've been hoping she'd turn to our marriage. But I see that's just not happening.

I'm trying very hard to maintain the 180 and NC. Thoughts?

Like you said, keep things impersonal via email.

If she asks why, don’t lie...tell her you’d prefer to not interact with her at all so email is the best way.

Have you fled yet?

ODude,

No, I haven't filed yet. I've been dragging my ass about it. Her demeanor changed over Christmas and I was watching to see if it was real or not. She's been very complementary lately, super polite, interested in my activities around the house, more engaged. Rugsweeping, right?

So last night I emailed her, "If we're not going to discuss repairing our marriage, then let's just keep our conversations here in this email."

She replied, "We both have to have a clear idea what that is."

I don't know what else that could mean. I asked her what she thinks it means.

What the hell does what she wrote back mean, squid? Maybe I'm just suspicious but I really suspect her motives.

On ohfor's t'j - wondering about her first day, too.

steady,

What the hell does what she wrote back mean, squid? Maybe I'm just suspicious but I really suspect her motives.

I'm super suspicious too. I often wonder if my constant second guessing myself and suspicion of her was a hindrance to our R.