SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t think it’s selfish. You are going thru your own trauma just like your Uncle and College friend.

Everyone has their own battles in life. It’s how you decide to fight or give up that really defines you

SD got that spot on.

If I could add something. These actually present you with a healing opportunity that could make you feel truly great. Remember what a kick I got out of being able to help that young lass out with the difficulty in registering for university?

I have a suspicion that if you could find some way to be of some sort of help to these two folk, even better if you could somehow use something that you have learned through your hellish journey through infidelity, as I was able to with the young lass. And as SD related in what he shared about his request for help from his boss.

It will help you even more that it will ever help them.

And squid, if you will allow me to t/j for a moment here;

Little bit of good news for the week. DDF (the lass that I was able to help) received her Matric (the name given to the final year of school over here. An abbreviation of the Latin “Matriculate”, meaning to earn a place at a university. Sorry for the quick Latin lesson there) results last Friday morning.

She has done breathtakingly well.

The marking system over here is really tough.

The standard of exams are set so that about 30% of Matriculants fail. The average for all kids will be in the 50's or 60%, scoring in the 70's means you are really good at the subject. Getting and 80% or an A means that you are a superstar in the subject. To put it in perspective, only 2,7% of students who wrote the mathematics exam earned a distinction in the subject or an A grade. DDF got 4 A's and then a 79, a 74 and a 70.

End of t/j

Thanks for sharing the story about your boss SD. I was comfortable enough to put that in my post as I have been so constantly surprised by repeated occurrences like that that I knew that you just had to have had some as well.

And then, Josiep, I just wish I could give you a great, big, warm bear hug thanks for your kind words and all you do for all of us fellows.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 7:54 AM, January 12th (Friday)]

I couldn’t agree more Ohfor. Helping and supporting others was a huge help for me in my healing! I do think it’s important to talk to someone that has been doen the path of divorce/infidelity (if nothing else then for the reassurance that you are NOT crazy) but I also think it helps to help others when in need. Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside ya know 😉

Thanks Ohfor.....for everything!!!

Thanks, BearlyBreathing.

You did EVERYTHING you could. You are amazing.

Keep on swimming!

Knowing I tried is my only solace. At least I didn't quit. Ending the marriage because of her refusal to R isn't the same as her stonewalling. As others have pointed out, I have a strong feeling she's going to give the narrative that I'm forcing her hand to D. But really, it's the other way around. I've told her so many times that the only 2 paths after infidelity are R or D. She wanted to go back to shitty, loveless, sexless marriage. She wanted to simply be roommates. Right, while she secretly pines away for AP. She tried to argue that lots of couples live like that. I said, sure, but they're not happy. They either go to MC or D. Ugh. Fuck this shit.

It's a very tired story. I've read it in so many others' experiences here too.

ohforanewme,

Your story of helping your DDF is so heartwarming. You're a good man. I'm proud to walk beside you through all of this.

SuperDaddy,

Go easy on yourself squid. You didn’t ask for any of this.

No I didn't. But I'm sure I'm not the only BS that feels guilty for not being able to save the marriage. That's where I feel the most regret and guilt. I feel this can be fixed. I learned and accepted way too late that I can't do this alone.

We're going to talk the kids tonight after dinner. Dreading it.

squid

We're going to talk the kids tonight after dinner. Dreading it

I remember the evening that we told 2PP as if it were yesterday. It is as if it is burned into my memory. Coincidentally, it was a Friday evening for me as well.

Please know that my thoughts will be with you this evening.

In my instance, I thought that the evening went badly, for us. Worse than I had hoped for. Quite few folk came back to me and said that it might not have actually gone as badly as I had seen it. I suppose they might have been right, but it is never easy when you feel that you are partly responsible for the hurt that they will be experiencing. The next day was tough but it being weekend, I had 2 days solid just to be there for them and I spent every moment with them. Answered their questions honestly and with those I did not have an answer, we agreed what our preferred outcome would be and what we could do to try and achieve that. Try and be there for them.

I was fortunate, XWW was already out of the home so it was just them and me and no external conflict brought to bear on the 3 of us.

If WW is going to be in the home, I would like to suggest that you try and break the days up so that each of you get just you and them quality time.

Not sure how you will be able to do it but please try.

squid, the tears are welling up just remembering back to that night.

Told you that we would walk this walk, right beside you.

Squid, You and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers! That conversation is never easy....but it must be told.

One thing I noticed (and this is probably common sense) but shortly after Dday I was extremely sad, depressed, etc. This emotion rolled off to my kids. I wasn’t eating from the shock of it all, for days!!!. I lost 14 pounds and looked unhealthy (I’m only 155 pounds normally) One day my DS came home (7 years old) from school. I opened his lunchbox and he didn’t touch one single ounce of food. It was all there just as I had packed it the night before. I don’t think he even opened his lunchbox that day.

When I asked him about it and why he didn’t eat. He said “Daddy I see that you’re not eating because you’re sad. Well I’m sad too so I’m not gonna eat either.”

It was at that moment that I realized not only was I “ruining” myself but I was ruining my son’s life too. I said “Okay.....we’re gonna eat right now! I whipped up a quick grilled cheese and we both chowed down! I never stopped eating after that day. The 3 of us have eaten together every single night they have been with me since then. We talk, tell about our days and say what we are thankful for EVERY TIME! I refuse to let someone else’s actions and selfishness ruin my life or my kids’ lives.

Be strong for your kids squid! You and the kids still have all those memories, dreams, goals to shoot for! You will have happier and sunnier days ahead! I promise!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 9:01 AM, January 12th (Friday)]

SuperDaddy, your username truly suits you.

ohfor,

WW's days off are Friday and Saturday. DS17 got invited to a reception on Sunday for a college he's interested in. DD18 wanted to also attend out of curiosity. So I decided to include DS12 and make it a bit of a father/kids outing. We'll probably have lunch before and spend time after. I'll make sure to ask them if they have any questions regarding the future. I've always been up front. Never watered down any answers.

I have a feeling WW will be whitewash our marital issues when we talk to them tonight. But the kids know what really happened.

Man squid

I have a sense that the way that I know you, you will make sure that Sunday turns into a day of love and care and togetherness. Means that it will be a day treasured in the squid family. No matter the sad, of the Friday before.

My thoughts will be with you then as well. You sort of could not have wished for a better followup day.

I was going to suggest that you needed to make sure that there was some distracting activity. I had the Jazz project that worked a charm. But you have this covered.

Thank you squid. I mean SuperDaddysquid!

Squid all I have to say is that I hope for the best for you. I know what it is like to have a WW that isn't 100% on board. Mine is about 85% on her best days. Yours was never more than 10% from what I saw. You gave her every chance you could and in the she just squandered them.

I'm glad you have decided to pull the plug. I hope your future is a bright one.

I’m sorry, squid. I know how hard you tried.

So we told the kids. I pretty much did all of the talking. I said:

"You know that we've had to some problems lately. We've decided to separate. Your mom will get her own place. DS12 and DS17 will stay here at the house with me."

I reiterated that we still love them and that if they had any questions they could come to either one of us. The older 2 seemed to know what was going on. DS12 showed the most concern in his face. Stunned silence is the best description.

The conversation quickly turned to other trivial things. But it's done. The 2 boys seemed relieved that they were staying in the house, at least.

Now for the next step. Filing.

Hi squid,

Seems as if that turned out as well as could be hoped for. I think that the staying in the house is a big thing.

It was for mine.

Just remember to be available, attentive and wat their mood. Hopefully they will see you as the safe parent and feel comfortable to speak to you when they have questions or just want to process it, but it might be necessary for you to initiate discussion if you see that they are withdrawing.

It is 4 am here. Told you that we will walk with you through this.

Thank you, ohfor.

It's early out, this new information for them. I'm keeping my eye on DS12. He processes things more deeply than his older siblings. He seems to have a deeper understanding of things than his older siblings. I know this is weighing on him.

Make sure he doesn't blame himself.

The truth in a sanitized way is best.

File immediately and don't waste anymore of your life in this.

You've done way more than your fair share.

Make sure he doesn't blame himself.

The truth in a sanitized way is best.

File immediately and don't waste anymore of your life in this.

You've done way more than your fair share.

Thank you, Marz. I know. I'll try and file next week. I don't want to drag this out any longer than it has.

Life is so. so short.

Wasting it on someone who doesn't care doesn't get you a thing.

Many will keep hoping that they'll finally "get it" but the reality is its them that doesn't "get it". They are who they are and you cannot change that. Only they can.

Waiting and hoping just gets you constant dissapointment.

It's way past time for you to move on and enjoy your life.

Go your own way. Like she has already done.

Life is so. so short.

Wasting it on someone who doesn't care doesn't get you a thing.

Many will keep hoping that they'll finally "get it" but the reality is its them that doesn't "get it". They are who they are and you cannot change that. Only they can.

Waiting and hoping just gets you constant dissapointment.

It's way past time for you to move on and enjoy your life.

Go your own way. Like she has already done.

This is some fantastic (and some of the best) advice I’ve read/seen. As hard as it is...and as much as you don’t want to....it’s time to move on. It sucks but it does get better and you will be happy again squid! Once I gave up on XWW coming back....is when I truly started to heal!

Marz,

Go your own way. Like she has already done.

I know. I'd be lying if I said I don't hope for her to finally "get it".

That's just something I'll have to get over.

Your whole last post pretty much sums me up.

And yes, as SuperDaddy said, Marz's post is some of the best advice I've read here at SI.

Squid,

I Know many who've went through this and they all say a hard no contact policy was the best thing they ever did.

Never answer a phone call direct, let it go to voice mail. If it's not about the kids, business or D no response.

Only reply in text or email. Short and to the point. You'll find upfront you can eliminate 90%+ of her communication as a no response needed.

Pickups/drop offs should be a 5 minute exercise with zero communication.

It's awkward upfront but will become normalized. How awkward have her actions been to you?????

Many are in a habit of talking chatting, etc. stop it!!!! It'll just cause you to linger on.

It's not rude to protect yourself and have the ability to move on and have a good future. That won't happen with an X in the mix. You didn't choose this but you have to do what's best for you now.

At some point you'll meet someone better. Make no mistake. Other women will not want or tolerate and X in their realtionship with you in any form.

However, you are the one who has to stand up and enforce your boundaries. No one else is going to do it for you.

You control yourself, your phone, your home. No contact in much easier than you think if you fully apply it.

Good luck