SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My dear squid,

I am so sorry that it has come to this. Sometimes I'd daydream that I came over there and sat down with her and said the right words to bring her back to who she used to be. I wish there was a way to do that for you. But, as all of us here at S.I. know, some of them recover but most don't.

So now you're going to head into recovery and start the next phase of your life. I have no doubt that you will be a rockstar in whatever you do and you'll find peace and happiness sooner than most.

As always, I wish you everything good in your life from here on out.

And maybe I'll even offer to come over and go to court with you and then take you out for brunch and a beer or two (I'll be the designated driver) and then go to the beach and let you scream at the waves and throw sand at the rocks.

Ohforanewme: "I am proud of you on that score. You valued your M so much and loved your kids so much, that you did all that ever could have been asked of you, and then even a little more. Because I only discovered SI in May last year many folk think that I have been so fortunate to be where I am so soon. One has to realise that it took me nearly a year to find SI, so it maybe even took me longer to get where we now stand together. It was a year of hell. I used to feel some guilt for putting all of us through that but now I at least have the assurance that when I made the decision, it was the right one. Having that assurance is something that will give you a peace that you would not have had without the extra time."

OhFor and Squid are my heroes.

Thanks SuperDaddy,

My XWW said the EXACT same thing! I squashed that immediately. Do yourself a favor. Set those boundaries up early! Over time maybe you guys can partake in holidays together. Personally, for me I don’t ever see that happening. It’s not because I hate her, it’s because my kids and I enjoy our time alone....just the 3 of us!

I remember what k8la posted in one of my other threads. It was something that she thought I could write to my WW to help her understand why I can't be around her.

Putting any of my behavior in our marriage in the same scale as you screwing someone else during our marriage is just breath-taking to me. For every future joint event we HAVE to have with the children, just know that being civil around someone who did something so evil to me is exhausting and if I have a choice to not be around you and still have the experience with my children, it's not out of revenge. It's so that I can actually focus on my children and enjoy it instead of having to be around someone who has deemed me such an enemy and unhuman that you could do something of this magnitude to me.

Remember that? I know you commented that you wanted to save to give to your then WW.

I wrote that to my WW. Still don't know if she gets it. Clearly not in the way that I do. She has her version. I have mine. And ne'er the twain shall meet.

Thank you, josiep.

When ohforanewme talks about his year of hell, I truly understand it. I wouldn't have made it through without you and the other great folks of SI that I've come to know and rely. This site never fails.

And maybe I'll even offer to come over and go to court with you and then take you out for brunch and a beer or two (I'll be the designated driver) and then go to the beach and let you scream at the waves and throw sand at the rocks.

I may take you up on that.

Squid

You are amazing.

I am so sorry it came to this result, I am.

I know you have done everything you could have done to try to make your marriage work. God bless you.

Stay true to being the wonderful father you are and know that there are happier days in front of you. There are.

Keep posting everywhere because your thoughts and insights are so valuable.

Head up, shoulders back.

To quote the Help "you is smart, you is kind, you is important..."

Many hugs and prayers.

I'm not at all proud of how long I took to get here. But I wanted to save our family at all costs.

I have followed your journey since your first day on SI and I think you did GREAT.

I think when you're on the other side of all this stuff, a nice addition to your new world will be knowing you gave her every chance and then a couple more. You really did all you could.

You should be proud for how strong you have been so far, and the strength it took to make this wise decision.

Thanks, 1Faith and Oldwounds.

I still find myself questioning myself and how everything went down. Did I do enough? Maybe it was a communication issue? We just couldn't see eye to eye. I wanted to focus on the A and she wanted to dredge up my marital offenses from a decade before. Isn't that just blameshifting? It's all crazy-making stuff. I can't go through another year of this. I really can't. Ranting.

Regardless of what you could of, should of done...the basic fact is you can't do it alone.

And for much of your journey in R, you have been alone.

Give yourself a break. You worked hard, you did. You are. Your WW isn't.

Allow yourself the peace of knowing you gave it your all WHILE trying to heal for the A...(that is A LOT).

Just be today. You don't have to make any decisions just be.

For what it is worth, there are a lot of people here on SI that think you are remarkable.

(((hugs)))

Remember that? I know you commented that you wanted to save to give to your then WW.

You bet your ass I remember this.....LOL!

But you know what? I never gave her the letter I wrote this in. I’ve gotten to the point of acceptance. I’ve accepted the fact my XWW will NEVER apologize, admit, show remorse, or acknowledge how much pain and suffering she caused me. She still wants to be the victim! She has her version and I won’t ever understand bc I didn’t experience it, and she will never see my version bc she didn’t experience the feelings I experienced. Still to this day I have not received an apologgy or remorse. Nothing! Zilch! Zero

I decided to cut my losses and stop wasting time with someone who didn’t deserve my time....I’m not the victim anymore. I’m living my life for me and my kids now. I am no longer depressed or sad all the time. I get excited to go to work. I get excited to live LIFE! I still have a long away to go in healing. But a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

You will get there squid...You will! You’re a very strong and standup guy and a Phenomenal Father. We are all here with you walking shoulder to shoulder with you on this journey! We’ll all get thru this! We will because we are all strong and will help each other!

Man I love this place! Y’all are the best!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 11:28 AM, January 11th (Thursday)]

Man I love this place! Y’all are the best!

Ditto

I have been trying to imagine life on the other side. It's hard when you have a big, stinking pile of shit in front of you.

It will seem daunting for a while. That wall of shit prevents you from seeing the clear, sunny blue sky on the other side. But you know what? Even shit can be cleaned off.

Baby steps, my friend. Don't worry about the other side just yet, but know it will get much better. Just get through the pile of shit one step at a time. Once you truly breathe the fresh air on the other side, you will be amazed.I promise!

Eventually you will learn to accept your WW's lack of remorse (not necessarily understand, but accept), and you will see just how unhealthy staying stuck in that toxic mess really is. As you get healthier, your kids will get emotionally healthier. Provide them with IC if you sense any struggling though.

Just remember that pile of shit can be like quicksand. Keep taking baby steps forward no matter how unpleasant because if you stand still too long, it will suck you down even further. No way around hell, only through it.

((((Squid)))

I've been EXACTLY where you are now albeit my moment of ending the M was a little more dramatic then planned (basically it involved bagging his shit into hefty bags and throwing them outside of our house that we lived in for 19 years). Anyway, what I really hope that you take away from what others have said that this is really a process to get to the point where we have the strength and clarity to end a M that is certainly broken beyond repair. There will be a measure of relief for you in that clarity and acceptance. There really will.

Getting a D sucks in an entirely different way to the rollercoaster of trying to R. The scary part for me is that my EX became so unstable and so devastated by the breakup of the family (all the while playing the victim ) that I wasn't sure what was going to happen next and whether or not things were going to get very, very ugly as opposed to insanely stressful. That anxiety for me drove me forward though in getting the D settlement and you can use that anxiety in your situation too. What I'm saying is, get this done as fast as possible for everyone's sake, but especially yours. Don't settle for less then you deserve but be willing to negotiate to end the proceedings. The sooner you end the madness of the uncertainty of the outcome of a D the better off you will be and ultimately your STBXW.

No one gets married thinking that this is how it's going to end. And you fought a good fight with the shit hand you held and that's the best any of us can do in this life. You should be enormously proud of that achievement. Your kids will be. And what you may find in the coming years, as I have, that it really was *you* that held it all together for yourself and your kids. Even when you were married. You can't see that now, it's too close, but I'm guessing that you did a lot more splinting of your WWs bad behavior then you ever realized.

When my kids tell their friends the story of their lives (it involves an international relocation on top of infidelity and divorce) they always say that their friends are literally floored by what a badass I am. I can assure you at the time, I was a completely gibbering wreck. I know you feel far from being a badass, but you really are a legend.

It simply astounds me how so many of the stories are so similar. There must be a template somewhere that provides the structure of the story and you just need to change the location, timing, people, etc. My WW - cheating before marriage, warning signs during marriage, then adultery.

Squid, it was 4 years after DDay1 that we separated and are heading for D. Have to be separated a year. Could see the opportunity to attempt R wasn't likely to happen by the end of year 2. Hopium abounds even then.

You're not ready until you're ready. If it took you 15 minutes or 5 years to get there, that's what it took. You provided the opportunity. It was rejected or not accepted unless on WW's terms. Eventually you get there.

I hope the conversation with your children goes well. If they need counselling please get it for them. I wish you the very best, start and continue healing for you. Hoping that the end of 2018 will have a much rosier hue than the start of it.

Thank you, Phoenix1. Your words keep me wanting to move forward.

BhUK,

I know you feel far from being a badass, but you really are a legend.

Yeah, not feeling that yet. I've been stuck here too long to feel anything else. Hopefully I'll get there.

steadychevy,

I've followed your journey here since I started early last year. You've had a tough go and a lot to deal with.

Hoping that the end of 2018 will have a much rosier hue than the start of it.

I keep saying constantly that 2017 was categorically my worst year ever. I'm seeing that 2018 is going to start even worse. But hopefully will end with way more happiness than sadness.

Thanks, you guys.

When ohforanewme talks about his year of hell, I truly understand it. I wouldn't have made it through without you and the other great folks of SI that I've come to know and rely. This site never fails.

And maybe I'll even offer to come over and go to court with you and then take you out for brunch and a beer or two (I'll be the designated driver) and then go to the beach and let you scream at the waves and throw sand at the rocks.

I may take you up on that.

It would do my heart good so keep it in mind.

Besides, I might throw some sand and scream a little as well.

Squid, you probably already know this but if your spouse has to be reprimanded like a bratty kid by their parents just to treat you nicely, it's not sincere in the slightest. Something they said challenged her victim narrative so now she's working on being a martyr so that when inevitably you D her, she gets to say, "But look! I did x, y, and z and he walked out on me!" It is just about keeping face. You deserve so much better than this.

nekonamida,

Squid, you probably already know this but if your spouse has to be reprimanded like a bratty kid by their parents just to treat you nicely, it's not sincere in the slightest. Something they said challenged her victim narrative so now she's working on being a martyr so that when inevitably you D her, she gets to say, "But look! I did x, y, and z and he walked out on me!" It is just about keeping face. You deserve so much better than this.

I know. If she did "get it" it's not because she arrived there on her own. Like I said. I wouldn't be surprised she's at her position now because she's doing what she can to save face in front of her family. Not because I'm her Plan A. It hurts to say. But I've accepted that.

Hey Squid. Took me 15 months ... and without kids to consider. But the relief is considerable, and the healing has definitely accelerated.

You did EVERYTHING you could. You are amazing.

Keep on swimming! 🐠

Sometimes I feel so selfish.

I just found out 2 days ago that my uncle has late-stage cirrhosis of the liver. Like his prognosis is no good. He's only being given "comfort measures". His end is in sight.

A good friend I knew in college that I keep in contact with recently found out she has ovarian cancer. She's almost my age. She's got a couple of kids and has a good marriage but she's got to deal with her cancer.

Not sure where this is going. I feel so bad for them but all I can feel is my own shit. Makes me feel selfish.

I don’t think it’s selfish. You are going thru your own trauma just like your Uncle and College friend.

Everyone has their own battles in life. It’s how you decide to fight or give up that really defines you. Just like your Uncle and your friend....you probably have a great support system in family and friends. But at the end of the day, you (your Uncle, your friend) are the only one who can decide if you want to fight or give up this battle (whether it’s a disease or an end to a marriage). I don’t think that’s selfish at all. You said you feel bad for them....but only feel your own shit.....thats not being selfish. Sure maybe you would like to be there MORE for them and support them but again as a supporter you can only do so much. They (like you) need to fight! Reach out to them with a phone call...a simple “I’m praying for you” goes a long way these days. It may even help in your healing.

Go easy on yourself squid. You didn’t ask for any of this.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 5:33 AM, January 12th (Friday)]