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Be prepared upfront. All waywards come up with the "lets be friends" thing.

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. She's not friend material.

It's all for her not you. It helps alieviate guilt and gives them some control.

You can effectively coparent with a firm no contact policy.

I've seen it done and done well.

Get her out of your life if you want to have one.

Again....Marz is just firing on all cylinders. More fantastic advice!!!

My XWW continues to ask “why can’t we be friends?”

It takes all my might to not scream in her face and say “My friends don’t treat me like complete dog shit....like you did”

You’re not friends with her squid. You’re not enemies. You are nothing more than business partners with the same goal... “Raising these kids in 2 separate households”. Zero Emotion!

Thats it...No more No less. Being civilized doesn’t mean I’m your friend. Civilized means we are co-parenting and I have the best interests of my children. That does NOT include being your friend!!!!!!

WS’s are seriously from another planet. Friends???? Seriously???? Get the fuck outta here you psycho!!!!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 8:25 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

My XWW continues to ask “why can’t we be friends?”

It's a form of cake eating.

IMO I'd lay out my guidelines in one email/letter. Contact boundaries, no shared holidays, birthdays, etc. this can easily be done separately.

In essence "you went your way" now "Im going mine".

Look, they wanted out to live and do what they wanted. Give it to them. No one has the right to tell you how to live your life. Much less a wayward. They forfeited any rights.

You let them go. Then you must go your own way.

Your biggest issue will be doing "no response". You'll find that most of the time you really don't need one. Just let it go.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:56 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

Damn, Marz. You're nailing it.

I do recognize the cake-eating. And that crap stings even more, them thinking that we can just go back to being friends after all of this shit has gone down.

I'm already foreseeing this coming. Our kids' birthday season all happens in the space of about a month. So there will be family gatherings and birthday meals out. I'm dreading have to iron out those logistics and maintain as much NC as possible without it being too uncomfortable for the kids.

Damn, Marz. You're nailing it.

I do recognize the cake-eating. And that crap stings even more, them thinking that we can just go back to being friends after all of this shit has gone down.

I'm already foreseeing this coming. Our kids' birthday season all happens in the space of about a month. So there will be family gatherings and birthday meals out. I'm dreading have to iron out those logistics and maintain as much NC as possible without it being too uncomfortable for the kids.

Nope, this is an easy one. What kid wouldn't want two parties?

You schedule yours with your family and let her schedule hers.

Stand up for yourself here or let her control you through the kids.

The only one that can control what you want/do is you.

Simply just say " I have already made separate plans". You'll probably get "why can't we do this together, etc". No response is required after your initial statement.

Be firm. You get to set the tone for how this goes not her. Do you really want her in your business going forward? Because if you are the weak Mr Nice Guy that's what's going to happen. She will walk all over you and take over all the kids functions.

It's not that hard to forge your own life. Its totally up to you and no one else. Make no mistake. How you handle this upfront will define you. No other woman is going to want a guy who can't keep his X out of the mix.

Get strong now and stay there. Life will be more simplified and better. Why? Because you get to run it

[This message edited by Marz at 10:48 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

You'll probably like most will get the guilt tripping.

"Do it for the kids". It's all bullshit. It's for her not you and the kids.

She destroyed/murdered your family as all waywards do..

Was she thinking of the kids? Nope, sure wasn't. Only herself.

Let her go. Give her what she wanted. If you do this your bond with your kids will get stronger. Your time with them will be more focused, etc.

Kids learn from their parents. Let them see their father as a guy who leads and doesn't accept being disrespected.

You have your time and she has hers. Better set your boundaries and the tone early or she'll will.

You have a whole new world opening up for you. It can be as good as you want to make it.

Once you're free of this mess and drama you'll see it but you're better do this right upfront.

It's your time man. Get it done right and you're will not regret it.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:57 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

Let her go. Give her what she wanted. If you do this your bond with your kids will get stronger. Your time with them will be more focused, etc.

Kids learn from their parents. Let them see their father as a guy who leads and doesn't accept being disrespected

.

Hey Squid,

Been following this post and I'm wishing you strength, determination and lucidity. Marz told you the truth above.

Our kids are adults, married and scattered. Three of them are on "team dad" and WW's DD is "team mom". It is what it is and I still love them all. I had the "real" talk with each one of them after WW sugar coated her version of her A. She was responsible and I put it right back on her to tell them. They saw through her deceptions right away.

Now that the dust has settled and WW still resides with AP2, they've grown closer to me and check on me frequently as their busy lives permit. They are my source of strength and want me to get to the other side. I'm just marking time until six months roll around and I can file.

Trust your gut. It's like the flu, You know it when you got it. Nothing left to do but address the root cause and practice self care to kill the infection off.

PS- Don't worry about her financial situation. Let her boy toys fill in the gap. You're FIRED from that worry.

[This message edited by Strutter1960 at 11:31 AM, January 14th, 2018 (Sunday)]

Cheaters at least a lot of them:

They don't want you or the marriage but they don't want anyone else to have you either.

1. Your life should be about them and them only. Hence "the friends thingy".

2. You should never move on just in case they need their plan B intact.

3. You should never be happy because they were your one and only and God forbid they get replaced.

4. You should be thankful they gave you their time and should always cherish that even though they destroyed everything in their wake.

5. You need to remain under their control because they are the best thing that ever happened to you? Not!!!

6. Agree with everything they want and do because it's what's best for you and the kids? Really?

7. You have no right to judge them because uh well because they are special and should never be held accountable or have any consequence for their actions. You should just suck it up like a good doormat and get over it.

8. If you can follow their rules you'll get a nice juicy breadcrumbs when they have the time.

9. You need to be content with what you're given because that's all you deserve. What?

Remember their life counts. Yours just doesn't matter much.

Marz,

Thanks for helping me keep my wits about me. It's a kind of brainwashing, a demented conditioning living with that.

Yes but a solid no contact will break that for you.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:52 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

Marz, I mostly lurk here, but that last post is sheer and utter genius and so, so true.

Hi, worldofpotential. Glad to see you posting and not just lurking. When you're ready, join us here in D/S.

Tell her NO DUMPSTER DIVING She threw you out like yesterday's trash and she's not allowed to use anything of yours ever again. Not your time, your money, your energy, your good nature, nothing.

As for kids' birthdays, etc., just make your dinner and party plans for the days you have them and go silent on her about it.

I have three friends that drive a very hard no contact policy. They all have kids. Two of them have younger kids but are still able to do it.

Their secret? They keep their boundaries tight and don't compromise.

It is extremely hard especially upfront. Two of he three were married to very disrespectful spouses. All three were cheated on.

They all say it's the best thing they've done.

It may be hard but it's soul destroying to let anyone disrespect you over and over especially when you don't have to.

Abuse and manipulation only happen if you allow it.

Get strong and stay there. It's much easier to accomplish than you think.

Good luck to your success.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:07 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

Thanks, josie.

Tell her NO DUMPSTER DIVING She threw you out like yesterday's trash and she's not allowed to use anything of yours ever again. Not your time, your money, your energy, your good nature, nothing.

I get it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Marz,

Your advice is awesome. I can very much see me going NC in a hard way. Polite but firm. Taking this day by day. I'm hoping it'll get much easier once she moves out.

It may be hard but it's soul destroying to let anyone disrespect you over and over especially when you don't have to.

And it sets a horrible, horrible example for the children.

^^^^^^^^^^^

It does set a bad example for the kids and showing them how to handle her will make their lives better. How many people do you meet who get used and emotionally abused by their mother (or father)? Your kids will learn from you and it will help them have a healthier relationship with her through the years.

^^^^^ Exactly

Dear Squid,

I don't mean to hijack your thread, so I'll keep it short. Thank you for your lovely message. In the midst of betrayal and the worst time of my life, I have been constantly (happily!) surprised at the gentleness and kindness of strangers. I have no children, but am gaining so much from the wisdom in this thread.

I'll post my own story soon - in my country you have to be separated for two years before you can divorce. My XWH left for the OW so reconciliation was not on the cards, although before I knew about the A I did a rather pretty pick me dance. Like Josie's sig said the marriage was over with the A, even if I didn't know about it.

Happy New Year all.