SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ff4152,

I’m interested to hear how you’re doing? I’ve caught some of your posts in others threads and it sounds as if you’re approaching the meh stage. Am I really far off the mark?

I don't know if it's the "meh" stage. More like the "I'm sick of this shit" stage. Not quite indifference. I contacted my attorney yesterday to file. Haven't heard back if she did.

I contacted my attorney yesterday to file.

You’re in my thoughts squid.

Squid,

I don't know if it's the "meh" stage. More like the "I'm sick of this shit" stage. Not quite indifference. I contacted my attorney yesterday to file. Haven't heard back if she did.

I would say that's progress, nonetheless. I know how it feels to hold out hope that the WS will come around and that the relationship can somehow be salvaged. My first LTR was like that. Granted I was not married to her but we were engaged at one point. I put up with a ton of disrespectful behavior from here for YEARS. I finally got to a point where I knew that sticking around was pointless and it was time to move on. Obviously your situation is not cut and dried because you are married and have kids. The end result is still the same though.

I do feel for you and want to send some good thoughts and prayers your way. Peace to you Squid.

I put up with a ton of disrespectful behavior from here for YEARS. I finally got to a point where I knew that sticking around was pointless and it was time to move on.

After my WW checked out a few years ago and gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, I put up with a ton of disrespect and humiliation holding on to hope that things might turn around. I was in another forum years ago and the advice there was to divorce. Man, I wish I listened. I was too chicken shit to pull the trigger.

Man, I wish I listened. I was too chicken shit to pull the trigger.

Water under the bridge, man.

Just move forward from here. Hang tough.

squid

It is tough, we know. We've been where you are.

We also know that it gets better.

Almost certain that there is happy out there in your future, but even before I got to the happy bit, the post D sad was not nearly as bad as what went before.

So, I'm pretty sure my STBXWW read this thread. At least the 1st page. I guess I had it up on the pc and forgot to turn it off. She specifically referenced that one of the commenters "laughed" after reading one of her letters (what's up, ohforanewme).

I was just sitting down in my office about to turn on my pc when she walked in and closed the door behind her. She started with, "I know you don't want to talk" then proceeded to talk. She said she read the comments here and asked if it was appropriate to share her letters here. I said I didn't see why not. Looking back maybe I should have asked if it was appropriate for her to fuck another man. But in the end that probably wouldn't have gotten us anywhere. She went on to talk about how painful divorce is for all. As if this is something that can't be fixed or that it's something I wanted to do. Blah, blah, blah. I was going to ask if this is truly something we can't fix (Pick Me!), but I just nodded quietly and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then she left.

We're so not on the same page. She views her A and our impending D as two entirely separate entities, one having no bearing on the other. And here I am AGAIN, second guessing myself. Wondering if there could more that I could do. Was it just a breakdown of communication? Was I too defensive? Could I have shown more compassion for her? Goddamit.

On a related note. The ball is officially rolling. My attorney is drafting the settlement agreement as I write this.

The D train is leaving the station. Choo-choo.

Sorry man, I know it sucks having to make this decision, but she really has not left you another viable option.

I am sorry that I got you into trouble squid,

It was "groaned", rather than "laughed", I am not a callous guy, but I suppose it was the fact that you shared a letter, rather than the reaction it elicited, that got her upset.

Our WWs head wiring is so different to ours we will never understand them. I mean, how can you not see that sharing her letter is so much more of a crime against the marriage, than her sharing the intimacy that should only have been yours?

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

This was a line that was given to me some time in my thread as well. I should have used it more often. It would have spared me much pain. Because I didn't I then had to put measures in place to go hard NC. I know you dont have that as an option right now so you have to get even better at making that you default position.

Keep that Choo choo rolling. Get up a good head of steam going there. (the engineer in me just loves that steam train analogy)

Just wanted to wish you well, squid. Thinking of you.

ohfor,

I am sorry that I got you into trouble squid,

Trust me. It's no skin off my back. No sorry's required.

Thanks, WithMyEyesOpen, ODude, and Catch.

[This message edited by squid at 8:56 AM, February 16th, 2018 (Friday)]

And here I am AGAIN, second guessing myself.

I understand that completely. I think it's part of the process - if only because we have accepted so much bad behavior and even felt responsible for it for such a long period of time. But in actuality, experiences like this most recent one can really serve to point out these long standing behavior patterns and allow us a bigger picture perspective of our partners. These things have come to show me just how toxic my spouse is.

1. Reading your post is disrespectful. This is an anonymous forum with a reasonable expectation of privacy. Even having left the page open on a family computer, I would still expect my privacy to be respected because, as someone that happened upon it, I would readily know that it was not a conversation intended for me. Same as if I picked up an extension phone in the house (out of date example, I know! ) or opened a notebook with a letter written in it. The fact that she addressed it with you strongly indicates that she felt entitled to do this action...that she didn't see it as a violation because she doesn't see you as having certain inviolable rights. ~ Even so...given human curiosity and how easily marital boundaries can become enmeshed...I can give her a Hail, Mary on this aspect.

2. Her first response to having violated and disrespected you is to discuss with you how she felt you had violated and disrespected her. Let that sink in a bit because I'm not going to say much about that. What I will point out is that the duplicity of it didn't even occur to her - and that's evidenced by the fact that she actually addressed it with you. While someone may actually feel violated, most would understand the hypocrisy - if only for the sake of not wishing to appear hypocritical (and thus weaken their stance). This one is pretty entitled.

3. After reading your raw feelings, unfiltered and with no ulterior motive to somehow manipulate her....AND upon seeing 7 pages of support and similarities of other posters...her primary focus is STILL how this all affects her. She can virtually climb into your soul and still not see that you even exist. She can read pages of your pain and still only acknowledge her own "rights". This is a classic lack of empathy. Honestly, if if I had treated a partner terribly - cheated, lied, and destroyed a family - I would actually be thankful that they had a source of support to try to mitigate some of the affects of my bad behavior...others that would help them with the pain - if only to relieve some of my guilt. And the fact that it was an anonymous forum and not the entire community? Omg...I'd live in fear of the extra punch that I'd be sure my karma would have one day.

She doesn't get it, squid. And while I know you already know this...this most recent experience only serves to confirm that to you. You've just been hooked back with the blame shifting and now you're responding in your typical way. THIS is the gift in her behavior. You had another front row experience - but now you already know the story, you've seen the patterns, and you get the opportunity to look at the same old behavior but through a different lens. This isn't questioning. This is confirmation. It's not about breaking (or even just evaluating) her pattern...it's about breaking/evaluating yours.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 10:39 AM, February 16th (Friday)]

Hang tight, man.

It's funny how she wants to talk, but there's no actions supporting that talk is there?

Just keep using that phrase:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

The D train is leaving the station. Choo-choo.

I Choo, choo, choose D. ~paraphrase Ralph Wiggum

I don't get why they can't understand the damage. And even in that, you try to save the marriage and the WS can't throw a life vest. Life goes on. Ploddingly.

My stbxww mentioned my PTSD in our last arguement and told me it was a mental disorder/illness. You can't teach empathy with some people and escape is the only choice. Choo, choo.

Our WWs head wiring is so different to ours we will never understand them.

The fact that she addressed it with you strongly indicates that she felt entitled to do this action...that she didn't see it as a violation because she doesn't see you as having certain inviolable rights

This^^^

[This message edited by Catch44 at 12:23 PM, February 16th (Friday)]

tsmf,

Reading your post is disrespectful. This is an anonymous forum with a reasonable expectation of privacy. Even having left the page open on a family computer, I would still expect my privacy to be respected because, as someone that happened upon it, I would readily know that it was not a conversation intended for me.

The fact that she addressed it with you strongly indicates that she felt entitled to do this action...that she didn't see it as a violation because she doesn't see you as having certain inviolable rights.

And I expressed this to her last night. That she shouldn't have read it. Last year, early in our attempt at R, she started journaling. And she would almost insist that I read her entries. As time went by she would often leave her journaling notebook out, where I could easily see. I remember there were often times where I was tempted to read it. But I never did. I recognized that was her safe space and I didn't have right to invade it. So her happening upon my thread and going through it all does not sit right with me.

Her first response to having violated and disrespected you is to discuss with you how she felt you had violated and disrespected her.

This has been a common theme in all of our discussions throughout the past 12 months. She has been adamant in placing my pre-A marital violations (didn't pay her enough attention, lack of romance/spontaneity, etc) on the same level as her A, arguing a sort of moral equivalency, as another SI member put it.

This one is pretty entitled

Very much so.

It's not about breaking (or even just evaluating) her pattern...it's about breaking/evaluating yours.

I understand it will take some hard work to untangle my wiring.

My second guessing myself is old habit. But I am able to see her patterns, thanks in no small part to the folks here at SI, that can offer a different perspective that validates my own.

Squid.....Dude! Your WW and my WW are twins separated at birth. How they think the A and the D are 2 separate things and aren’t related boggles my mind. To make it worse my XWW says the only thing she did wrong in the marriage was not tell me about the A. Seriously, what planet do these people live on?

Squid I know this isn’t what you want. But the quicker you get this toxic person out of your life the better. It truly does get better! I’m a firm believer everything happens for a reason!

Keep on trucking squid! Keep moving forward!

Last year, early in our attempt at R, she started journaling. And she would almost insist that I read her entries. As time went by she would often leave her journaling notebook out, where I could easily see.

That's because she was specifically writing them for you in an attempt to manipulate you.

I'm glad you didn't take the bait.

Well played, Squid.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I'm not okay with x."

"You do what you feel you have to do. I will do the same."

It is the golden trifecta when dealing with the disordered.

Keep pushing forward, brother. A follow up call to the attorney may be in order.

Squid,

All cheaters think you should help hide their affair. They don't want the reality of what they've done because it exposes who they really are.

It's never too late to not be a "chicken shit".

You didn't put yourself in this situation but you are the only one that can get yourself out of it.

I suspect like many when you go your own way you'll get much stronger and will be amazed at the man you will now become.

March on!!!!!!

SuperDaddy,

To make it worse my XWW says the only thing she did wrong in the marriage was not tell me about the A.

The logic is baffling. I must say that hindsight is truly 20/20. Early after D-day, I really ignored all of the red flags. But after a year, I can see things so clearly. My stubbornness (denial) kept me hoping for too long. And I'm trying to break that habit now. I actually do feel lighter now that I'm actually getting myself out of limbo. At least that's how I feel now. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.