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Newest Member: trustingyou

Wayward Side :
Admitting it vs. Getting it vs. Owning it vs. Living it

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GaynorGal ( new member #53359) posted at 6:19 PM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2019

posts: 24   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2016
id 8382027
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Pippin ( member #66219) posted at 8:38 PM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2019

GaynorGal and DaddyDom, this is just such a wonderful little SI story. I'm so glad you made it public. Best wishes to each of you.

[This message edited by Pippin at 2:38 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Him: Shadowfax1

"He does His best work with things that we would have thrown away. That's the kind of God He is." Nicole Mullen

posts: 891   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2018
id 8382103
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 6:57 PM on Saturday, June 8th, 2019

Topes.

Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2542   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8389953
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godheals ( member #56786) posted at 4:52 PM on Thursday, June 20th, 2019

Bumped for TCarp

H: BS
ME: WW
Dday December 2015 (PA for 15 months)
Confessed to H about the A
4 kids together-M 14 Years now.
Happily R.

posts: 1068   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017   ·   location: Nebraska
id 8395392
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 2:19 AM on Thursday, July 11th, 2019

Bump.

Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2542   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8404292
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Hutch ( member #70846) posted at 9:30 PM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2019

I’m struggling with the admitting it part. It’s been five months since my affair and I have not told my husband. I am in IC. Did you tell your spouse immediately?

Divorced and living my life.

posts: 245   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019   ·   location: FL
id 8406736
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 DaddyDom (original poster member #56960) posted at 10:25 PM on Tuesday, July 16th, 2019

@hutch,

I did not tell my wife, she found out by going through my email when she was suspecting what was going on. In retrospect, I wish I had told her. The very act of disclosing your affair at least implies that, although you did something wrong, at least you are now "owning up to it" and showing some remorse and a desire to "do the right thing". When you are caught in a lie however, even if you've already cut things off with the OP, it only shows your spouse that you are STILL a liar and betrayer.

Trust me, disclosure, whether intended or not, is hard and painful, no doubt.

Truth be told however, this topic is more about YOU then your spouse or your relationship. Disclosure is the first step in determining who you are, and what kind of person you are going to be, moving forward. RIght now, like all cheaters, you are a liar, a betrayer, someone who cared more about themselves and their own needs than the needs of the people in their life. The first step in becoming a better person is to think and act like a better person. DO you want to be someone honest, loyal, and empathetic towards others? Well, that kind of person would tell their spouse what happened, and in doing so, give their spouse back their agency, their choice, and the truth upon which to base their own choices.

There is no "good way" or "good time" to disclose. It's a matter of getting up the courage and ripping the band-aid off. Have you posted in Wayward about this? Maybe others can offer some solid advice?

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1311   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8406762
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 6:45 PM on Friday, August 2nd, 2019

Bumped for LifeDestroyer

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3825   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8414496
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 1:35 AM on Friday, August 16th, 2019

Another bump.

Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2542   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8421186
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ItsWorthIt ( new member #71188) posted at 8:43 PM on Friday, August 16th, 2019

DaddyDom.

This is such a wonderful post. I can read much about my past decade in here.

Using your descriptions, I like to think that I'm Living it. And from the way I see my life with my BP, as i Live it, each of the other phases are also semi-regular visitors to my mind, heart and mission. Sometimes those visits can be a several times a week, other times just a couple of times a month, but they do still visit. By visit, I mean that they become part of my activity and thoughts as I Live it.

I believe that still being a participant in each phase while Living it continues to foster self-discovery in me and continues to reaffirm my and my husband's love, devotion and dedication to always moving in a positive and impactful direction in our life together forever.

Thank you for your wonderful observations and their initiation of continued discussion on the topic.

I was a Wayward Partner. Reconciled and we married. I am still working hard for him and us - and will always.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2019
id 8421717
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 4:43 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019

Another bump. This a terrific post especially if you're on the early part of the healing path.

Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2542   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8453433
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Iamtrash ( member #71135) posted at 12:38 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019

I feel like I cycle through some of these. (Mainly falling back to the depression piece, then working my way back to a better place in the cycle. I don’t resort to the stages of still trying to own and accept what I did.)

That’s something that is particularly challenging for me. I feel like I cycle through my feelings and thoughts. At the same time, my BH is also cycling through his own stages of grief and pain. It’s very hard to balance his cycling and my own cycling. Sometimes I feel like I fail the most when we’re both cycling at the same time. I do better when I’m at a stable place in how I’m feeling that day. When I cycle back to depression, I find it near impossible to help him through his own anger, sadness, depression. I need to continue to find ways to help us both when we’re in a bad place.

posts: 347   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2019
id 8453489
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ChanceAtLife35 ( member #69527) posted at 3:09 PM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019

Thanks for bumping this up.

Me: WW (multiple EA’s PA’s)
Her: BW
DDay: 6/9/18
IHS - Divorcing

In IC, 12 Steps program, currently reading "Boundaries in Marriage"

posts: 256   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2019
id 8453540
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 3:03 AM on Wednesday, October 30th, 2019

Another bump.

Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2542   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8460136
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Broken4good ( new member #71996) posted at 3:32 PM on Wednesday, November 6th, 2019

Thank you for this, as a newbie, sort of, I find this a helpful timeline to work through.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019
id 8463792
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wantstorepair ( member #32598) posted at 4:10 PM on Sunday, November 17th, 2019

DaddyDom,

I have not made it through Admitting It. I lie to myself and BS and make my shame, ego, and cowardice more important than BS’s feeling and deserved need for the truth. How did you get through this phase? Other WSs, how did you get through this for your BS?

posts: 153   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2011
id 8469173
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 4:41 PM on Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

Bumped for Rose2206

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3825   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8577755
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MC64 ( new member #74973) posted at 5:42 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020

This is a great read and am glad its been bumped!

Thank you

posts: 15   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2020
id 8578216
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Rose2206 ( member #75050) posted at 3:14 PM on Saturday, August 29th, 2020

Thank You gmc94 for pointing this out to me and DaddyDom for all of your wise and honest words!

this post made me tear up while reading. All of it is so true. I can see myself in so many things you've described in this post and comments.

I've been struggling to find answers while trying to survive shame every day. While feeling hate towards myself and the loss of the relationship with my BS. In the first weeks, I tried to do everything at once. In absolute panic and then self destructive mode. Then I started to become defensive (falling back into the selfishness). Now I am at a state where everything just seems still inside while a storm is going on outside. My inside is still. It is hard to describe.

I see what I have done without defending it anymore, this does not change how much I hate it and my disgust towards myself for it. I am accepting that my BS needs NC for himself to heal and that R is very unlikely. I do wish for it. But truly, I just wish him to heal so he can be happy again. In regards to myself, I am still shocked that I did not realize all this prior to the affair. My reasons WHY and HOW are very similar to yours in regards to not feeling any self worth.. I appreciate your comparison to russian dolls to uncover different layers of the WHY and HOW. This was something I needed to hear as I have been trying so hard to figure out the deeper reasons why in such a fast pace..I have to slow down.

The factor of focusing on one thing first in order to become better stood out to me. I am working on my own self worth. I see this as the root cause of my 'why' which was also confirmed by my IC. Also, without self worth, I could never overcome shame. Self destruction/ hate. AND most of all I could not move forward. Not on the right path. And IF my BS would want R - without any self worth, that would NOT be possibly. Therefore, I must continue the work to find my self worth and continue to dig deeper over time. One layer after another.

Could you share your thoughts about this with me?

Most of all I hate that I've been so selfish. That for weeks/ months my goal was R. When all I did with that is to put pressure on my BS. I blamed the AP instead of looking deep into myself. I have done so many things wrong and wish I could turn back time. But the truth is. I am beginning to like who I am becoming. This person that thinks critically before taking action or responding. To act vs. react. To give vs. receive. It is going to be a long road that I will have to walk alone. But I am determined to walk it.

Thank you again for sharing your wisdom and experience. It is much appreciated and helped me already to get through today and I am certain I will reread it many times in the future!

posts: 70   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2020
id 8580592
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wantstorepair ( member #32598) posted at 5:07 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

DaddyDom thank you again for your wisdom and insight. I think between your post and followups, Root’s excellent perspective of stages of grief, and everyone’s meaningful feedback I feel wiser and with a more clear perspective and reading this again and again need to stay grounded in this sort of wisdom and focus.

Things are awful with my BS who is hurting more than I can can comprehend, and my ability to hurt her far outpaces my ability to help her the way she deserves and needs. DaddyDom I feel so much like you do and the way you describe it perfectly articulates how I feel. Thank you.

[This message edited by wantstorepair at 11:57 AM, September 13th (Sunday)]

posts: 153   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2011
id 8587058
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