Newest Member: MamaTo7

wantstorepair

Starting your day for others

How do you start your day thinking of others first to set the mindset of selflessness and giving to the ones you hurt? Interested in your habits and techniques to avoid being the selfish and entitled each day. Thank you in advance.

4 comments posted: Wednesday, January 18th, 2023

Acountability

Duplicate post

0 comment posted: Monday, January 16th, 2023

Accountability

Hoping to hear people's thoughts and techniques for developing and maintaining personal accountability (in all aspects of your life) after you have cheated and lied, and are working on being a better person. Thanks in advance for sharing.

3 comments posted: Monday, January 16th, 2023

Acceptance and Humility - What has worked for you?

Asking for help in self awareness and improvement.

How have you as a WS come to acceptance and humility?
What actions have worked for you to help change from the selfish, arrogant person you were that allowed you to give yourself permission to cheat and lie and hurt people?
What have you done to stop being defensive?

9 comments posted: Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022

Not understanding at all

I was such a raging entitled dick yesterday that I got told to leave. Sundays and Mondays are horrible trigger days. I had planned to be there to work at 0700 Monday before a big storm and to be with my son. But after being kicked out i was not sure I should be there and the plan still stood. I texted at 0930 to ask if I could come late. She was pissed. I’ve been arguing all over the place for 5 hours now because I don’t understand. Where did I go wrong?

6 comments posted: Monday, February 21st, 2022

Love Dare Progress - Am I doing it wrong?

In the love dare, I have been not moving past a day until I can actually accomplish the task given on that day. If I fail I stay on that day, If I take too long to get it done, I start back at the beginning. Is that right? or am I floundering still like I have been for years on this? Thanks!

2 comments posted: Wednesday, February 16th, 2022

Defending APs

If the AP knows you are married, are they blameless? I made the mistake of trying to accept all the blame for my cheating and said it isn't APs fault. Which sure sounds like defending the AP.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Last Chance Ultimatums

a little over 2 years ago BS gave me an ultimatum to quit my job where I had a very inappropriate relationship with the CEO and focus on the family I got frustrated and angry because I had recently got the job and did not want to lose it, and I minimized the whole thing because it wasn't sexual. I got angry and punched a post and said no I wanted to keep the job. That was my last chance.

2 years later through many ups and downs I am asking for a "Final Chance." Is there a Final chance after the last chance?

5 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022

DS as leverage to stay in the house with BS

I am moving out and BS says I should take our 13 year old DS with me and that she will make the visitation arrangements plan. I feel like he is better off here with his mom, and she says no because if he is here that is leverage I have to come over to her house. I have fought moving out for years and she is done with me here using the kids as a reason to be here in her space. I don’t want to take him away from his mom, but also don’t want her to feel threatened. I don’t want to use him as leverage and want to do the right thing. What to do?

6 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022

Still not getting the most basic concepts, and have not changed

It has been a long time since I have been on here - part of my problem that I arrogantly thought I could figure this out and change without help. I cannot and have not.

I currently live at BW's home conditionally but have managed to really screw that up to. The conditions are not hard... 1) Don't argue, minimize, justify or defend. 2) lean in to events, especially holidays which I have made traumatic from my cheating and lying. 3) Provide consistent good meals for everyone, and 4) answer her questions with yes or no, not my usual justifications, platitudes or excuses as to why I am right.

Pretty simple and gracious of her right? Yes.

Yet I insert my justifications into my thinking all the time, which turns otherwise simple conditions of service for my family into selfish choices.

How do I stop rationalizing and justifying alternative choices in my head? How do I accept simple yes or no answers when I always feel like there are so many details, extenuating circumstances that need explaining to give a full answer?

I have thought about this a lot and know I am certainly afraid of being wrong when the situation does not seem so black and white, so I try and make a choice that makes sense - despite it being contrary to the conditions of service and being here. It goes sideways every time, yet I keep doing it and am not learning. It really is simple yet I'm making it so hard.

Thank you in advance for the help.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

Still not getting the most basic concepts, and have not changed.

Duplicate post

0 comment posted: Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

What does Generous mean when it comes to visitation arrangement?

Ask for all of your help please in defining generous in terms of what a visitation schedule should look like.

I said and am committed to a generous settlement in our divorce. It is my word and I intend to stick by it. Here is my conundrum/question:

When I hear generous I think $, not kids as they are not property. Generous in terms of parenting responsibility is shared so that the burden of responsibility isn't all on one parent in the arrangement. So the notion of a generous offer of "you have the kids 95% of the time" actually puts a lot of work on her. where as a split schedule where I am doing my share of running around to schools and drs and being with them for virtual school is in fact generous.

Am I wrong?

The visitation offer I submitted to her was the kids were with me Sunday night through Wednesday afternoon each week. they are in school Mon/Tues, and virtual Wed through Friday. So I would be doing all the school pick ups and drop offs, early starts, homework supervision, school visits, etc. and then working from home on Wednesday to supervise them for school.

Is that bad or wrong or not generous?

I have not been able to get a specific definition or desired detail about the schedule from BW, only that this current arrangement is not "Generous". When I asked her opinion about what would be better for her so I could change it, I was told it is lazy and wrong of me to ask her to do the work I said I would do, and that I should use my resources to figure it out. so here I am asking please for your help and guidance.

Thank you

35 comments posted: Sunday, September 20th, 2020

Expectations and Hope

I feel like everything I do or say is wrong. Because It is wrong. I am wrong and the abusive liar and cheater.

So is it wrong to have any expectation of or to demand that my BW give hope?

Is it humble, kind, charitable or even ok?

28 comments posted: Friday, September 18th, 2020

Making amends

How do you make amends to the one you hurt for your awful transgressions and horrible, selfish choices? What is meaningful to them and helpful when what has been done can’t be undone and still lingers as painful triggers everywhere? Here are a few examples:

When BW has our first son by cesarean birth, she was going through a very emotionally hard time not believing he was actually hers and felt very disassociated from him. One day in conversation as she was expressing her trauma I callously said, “it’s not like you gave birth to him”. (Yes I am an asshole). How do I make amends for that? I have failed to acknowledge the pain and triggers for 19 years now and it is still there for her, and always will be. How do I make amends to her for hurting her so badly?

And there are so many triggers I have created for her. How do I make amends for all the things i have done, and start to bring her closure on any of them?

And what about the triggers that I don’t know are there because I haven’t made that connection to know how something might impact her?

I have failed to make amends and address her pain before it impacts her, and want to get out in front of the triggers with empathy and support, to try and make amends.

How have all of you done this? How do you make amends to someone who is permanently scared after my abuse?