Newest Member: Time2go

ChanceAtLife35

Me: WW (multiple EA’s PA’s)
Her: BW
DDay: 6/9/18
IHS - Divorcing

In IC, 12 Steps program, currently reading "Boundaries in Marriage"

It changed everything...Warning, some content may be triggering..

The last time I was active on here was September of last year. I had to step away because I felt I wasn't giving the effort to receive the help and take in the messages that I really needed to hear. My life has changed so much and thankfully for the better. I want to help others by sharing my story as I am in a point in my life, I see so many people struggling around me and I hope my story will inspire others to see themselves and get the help that they need. I will start with that night...I was still living with my BS at the time, I was very miserable and was in total face off with the reality of what is, and it was excruciatingly painful. All that time since D-Day, I was still playing the part of thinking I could do just enough to "fix" things or manipulate the "outcome." All while not doing the actual in-depth work to go through the process of affair recovery. I was sleeping on the couch feeling lonely, scared, anxious, and drowning in feelings of rejection and abandonment. I realize now, I was only abandoning and rejecting myself. After a conversation one night, I felt paralyzed with fear and felt completely hollow and numb inside. I said to myself "I can't do this anymore." I took out my journal and wrote a letter to my family saying my final goodbye. I knew this was wrong, I knew it was selfish and would cause so much devastation, but in those moments, I had no feelings, I wanted my life to end.

I grabbed a rope that my brother left behind when I moved in, cut it long enough to wrap around my neck. There was a hook in the ceiling that was used to hang plants that was next to the couch that I slept on. I grabbed the stool and placed it underneath it. I grabbed my phone and cleared everything out of it. I couldn't talk myself out of this not like any other time. I tied the rope around the hook, stood on the stool and wrapped the rope around my neck. I was scared, but I wanted to stop living. I kicked the stool and the rope tightened and burned around my neck. I immediately when into a hysterical panic and found myself struggling to breathe. I started screaming for help to my BS. She came out and somehow managed to loosen the rope around my neck. These moments changed my life...

Fast forward to November 9th, I am sitting in a hospital room waiting to be checked into a psych ward unit. I am in the most fragile state I think I have ever been in. My state of mind is going back and forth to erratic and numb. I was left that night laying there thinking I may end up here forever. That morning, I was taking to the 7th floor which was the psych ward. Wearing only a hospital gown and socks, I walked in and saw several others sitting in the common area. I somehow felt I belonged here. I had dreams and thoughts that It would take this experience for me to finally breakthrough what I was feeling. And it did. I stayed there 8 days, no phone, no tv in my room, check in every 15 minutes, increased meds, I couldn't leave the floor for any reason except the one time for good behavior. It was me and 15 other people who were lost, broken, addicts, victims, you name it, but we eventually found out we had so much in common. We all felt not good enough, unworthy, unloved, not seen or heard, and stuck in a lot of shame. We all wanted to do things right and be our true selves, loving us and other unconditionally, but we just didn't know how. I met with doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, social workers, occupational therapists, and learned so many tools to help us know that we are capable, and we are not alone. That there is help even in our darkest hours. I poured my heart out, I allowed no visitors except my sister because she worked in the same building. I wanted to take it all in, learn everything, to find ways to know that I need to be here, I truly have a purpose to live.

November 16th, I was granted to leave. It was bittersweet because I gained connections with so many people and I wanted to reach out to others like me and give them hope, but I knew my stay was temporary. I have been living with my sister since then and it's going better than expected. I am saving up to get my own place, something I was mortified to do in fear of being alone. I am still seeing my therapist and she confirmed I am no longer drowning in shame cycles! I only wear my jacket if it's cold too. I am currently on my 12th step in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous which is described as Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. I am in the process of joining a Hospitals and Institutions subcommittee which offers outreach to those who in treatment centers, incarcerated or otherwise confined and unable to attend regular meetings. I am not dating anyone, but my sponsor is creating a dating plan that will allow me to sober date. The medication I am on has help me tremendously by cutting down my negative thinking patterns, depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation. I am also going to go through a divorce at some point which I know will best for both of us.

I am very grateful to be alive as I see that I am here for many reasons. I still have a lot of work to do but, but I am in the best place mentally and emotionally. I am not writing this for advice, and I hope people can avoid doing everything to avoid endangering their life. I want to let others know that I went from thinking I didn’t deserve to live or think I couldn’t change. I was wrong. I genuinely want to share my story to give others hope.

Please PM if you need outreach or resources to help.

Thank you to those who read this.
CAL

10 comments posted: Monday, January 31st, 2022

3 years since D-Day

It's been a little while since I have posted, but I am feeling some emotions today and I feel this is the safest place to express them. I feel sadness and finally mourning what I lost. I admit, in the past I attempted to block a lot of feelings about this day, but even in this very moment I am fighting tears. I am okay with being on this path by myself now and it feels like as the days go by I am embracing that there for sure is never going to be reconciliation. Lately, I have been trying to think about a plan for my life. I am trying to pursue a new career, one that I am actually passionate about. Not a career that someone pushed me into or encouraged me to do it because I didn't try or have the courage to go for it myself. Where do I want to live? That I am not sure yet, but It has to be a quiet place full of nature. Let me get back on track here. My feelings are more important. I go from feelings of trying to reach for something that is not real or will ever be and then I pull myself into rational thinking to ground myself back to reality. It's really hard and painful, but I can't keep living a life of what if's or fantasy. There are so many things that I want out of life, but I know I have to take things one at a time. Someone very close to me said earlier is that what I have is a feelings disease and I think that is so true. I actually feel a lot of things all the time, I just don't have the ability to know what do with them. When I am by myself, I try really hard to sit with them and focus on my thoughts. Like today is the year 3 since D-Day and I wanted to make sure I am present and not trying to avoid what this day means to me.

My mentality is different about this day is and I own up to the fact that this day I ended my marriage and the relationship with my family. I was going through some heavy and painful stuff, but that did not give me the right to hurt my family. I selfishly blamed people including my BS for bringing me to that point, but I realize if they didn't even exist in my life, I would have done the same things or worse. I understand most W's either have addictions or mental health issues that may have pushed them to this point, but I speak for myself in saying that I abandoned myself and my family in those moments, and chose to hurt them instead. I knew I was doing wrong and foolishly thought I could get away with it. I thought I was hidden from the world, but most people around me knew something was going on with me. I tried to play the victim card and still fall into the cycle of it, but time and time again, it keeps me stuck. What I am feeling are feelings I could have felt to help me face myself and what I have done. I am tired of running. I was reading in my book yesterday, that I can't be empathic to the one's I have hurt until I learn to be empathic and show compassion for myself. My BS has said this so many times. Every book I read it says most of what she has told me.

I don't need to talk of what happened and be words only, I would rather be compassionate and empathic to BS and those I hurt the most. I have made progress, and it's very hard for me to change, but I know I can do it. If I keep embracing what is real, and not ignore the feelings that come with it, it will get easier. I no longer want to be a victim, I will not keep dwelling on the past, or trying to control people especially how they feel. It's like I am getting to a point to where it's exhausting and it hurt me more and blocks any connection with others.

My goals as they will continue to be is to continue my recovery and make amends to those who I have hurt. Live my life on my own terms. I am here to just speak on my thoughts and feelings and take all this in for once. I am happy for those who made it out of this.

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 12:19 PM, June 9th (Wednesday)]

1 comment posted: Wednesday, June 9th, 2021

Power?....

I am supposed to see my psychologist tomorrow. At the end of our last session, one of my homework assignments was to think about what i have power over to help me focus on things that potentially alleviate stress and prevent times when i am triggered. I took time with this because i really wanted to educate myself on this as my relationship with power came with very skewed thinking. I am always on the what i call a seesaw between feeling powerless and powerful, but for me it's never healthy. When i feel powerful is when i can manipulate or control someone especially with sex and if i am honest playing the victim. Only in those moments i feel like i only have that person in control and it appears suffocating for the other person. I related power generally to sex because in my mind that's the only time i feel i have a person under my power spell and i can be the most dominant. Or even with being very competitive to the degree, i do anything to win. In my relationship/marriage, i would use sex, manipulation, control, and playing the victim for control. This also occurred in my affairs. Only in person i felt this way. But when i am away from these people, i feel rejected, abandoned and at my most powerless. I can't handle the feeling and i end up self-sabotaging in the process. I am overcome with helplessness and fear. If i am honest, i feel this just about with anything. When i feel like i don't have control over something, i lose it. Time, people, money, food, sleep, things i want or need. I lose it.

I realize now that i don't have power over anything that is deemed healthy to me. I gave people power over me, my beliefs, my body, my mind, just about anything. What's most important to me to understand is that i can see that what i have power over is most damaging for me because no matter how much i try to control anything, i will never get the results i want. I would rather give myself power at this point. I have power over how i feel about myself and how i treat my body. I don't have to dwell on negative things or people. I have power with how i react when it comes to my emotions, how i interpret what is said or done to me, and when i want to ask for help. I have power over when to say yes or no too.

I thought i had so much power in my A's, but when i really think about it, i didn't. I tried to dress and play the part and put myself on this sexual pedestal, but deep down i was losing myself and i just really needed help and didn't know how to ask, but i never tried. I did this in my marriage too. Let so much build up but did everything to feel like i had control or power over anything, but i made matters worse. At the beginning and end of my recovery meetings we always say the Serenity Prayer. I feel like keeping this in mind will help me.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, March 30th, 2021

Willingness....

You would think i would stop questioning or feeling shocked when certain experiences or certain things are said or happen to me. I had my therapy session on Thursday and i anticipated going to it for the entire week thinking over and over what i was going to say even to the point of needing to write everything i need to say before i forget it. Every minute in those sessions could help me discover something or learn something that could be life changing for me. I was still stuck in the rut that i was in where i was feeling so shut down and avoidant still but i was also fighting it too. I got to the point to where i felt so uncomfortable in my skin and honestly had unpleasant thoughts that i hated people. My thoughts were so unpleasant to where i literally wanted to turn my thoughts off but i knew that couldn't happen so i had to do something about it.

The other night i was watching a show called 1000lb sisters where two sisters name Amy and Tammy Slayton are on a journey together to try everything in their power to lose the weight that is needed to have the gastro surgery to save their life. Amy succeeded and was able to have the surgery even had a healthy baby boy the following year. Unfortunately, her sister Tammy who was the heaviest never met her goal and although in her mind she was trying and expressed that she was eating her feelings away, when questioned by her family and doctors she scoured at them with defensiveness. And shut down. Oh how i could relate. Until she was referred to another Doctor who had a different approach when she gained another 20 pounds asked her "Why do you think you're not meeting your goal?" She said i don't know how to fix myself, i am not trying." Basically she was addicted to food. In that moment, the Doctor acknowledged with her that she admitted that she had a food addiction that she could not fix on her own and she needed more help. It was a break through moment for her and he was proud of her for admitting this to herself and others.

When i saw that scene my heart dropped. I literally wanted to scream out that's me. I keep telling myself i keep trying and i am doing this and that, but i keep getting the same results and that i am not seeing that change that i want for myself. I am clearly aware that these things take time even years, but mentally i am struggling. I know i have to dig so deep into myself to find the root of my issues, but i find myself feeling so amplified with emotions and distracted to where i become discouraged in the moments and do unfortunately external stuff to distract from it. Am i trying, am i really trying? From seeing the work others have done here including my BS, NO. That was hard to say, but it's the truth. But i refuse to give up on myself.

Now back to my session. I was a hot mess, grabbed my box of kleenex because first, i knew i was going to cry and second i knew this was going to be painful to let out. She helped me figure out that which my BS pretty much called out that i put ALL my eggs in one basket with anything that i do (most likely for control or worth) and when i fail, i go into this vicious cycle of drinking, sleeping, avoiding, shame, and the list goes on. I don't have power over anything in those moments. Nor am i honest about what the hell is really going on in those moments. I want to bury myself in the cushion fabric of the couch and do nothing. AND and I mean a BIG AND, i don't know or never have experienced self-compassion for myself which guess what? Was my meditation topic for the day. I was like crap crap crap. I was adamant about the fact that i can't fix myself and i need to be on medication. My therapist is not highly fond of encouraging medication as a part of her process looked at me with wide eyes open. She said "you got triggered, that's what happened." "And sadly, you never had healthy coping skills to get through those moments." Nope, she is so right.

She asked me several questions and recommended i see my doctor for a medication evaluation. I must admit i felt like i was trying to take the easy way out. She told me not to take Xanax because i have several addictions may be prone to becoming addicted to it. So this is where i am at. I haven't made any appointments yet and really not sure what to do. She told me to work on practicing self-compassion and to check out a self help book.

So this is where willingness comes in for me. This was the topic at my meeting this morning. The timing of this put me in trance. Look i don't know the meaning of every word is as i would pretend to know or not care to understand what it means looked it up. So in recovery willingness means, Willingness” is an integral part of recovery. “Willingness” means that you are willing to open up, let go and try something you've never tried before. I fight with willingness. I am afraid to let go. I am still very much afraid to be open. HONESTY is at the top of my list. That's where it starts for me. I am willing to tell you all that i am still afraid to let go, but willing to look at myself with self-compassion and reflect on what's happening here. With me. To look at who i am and who i want to be. Come up with a plan and commit to it.

10 comments posted: Saturday, March 13th, 2021

Lack of Accountability Leading to Panic Attacks??

Last 3 weeks for me have been filled with panic attacks and emotional distress. I have a lot on my plate as far as professional/personal things going on, but i know i am feeling this way because i don't know how to stop (instead should process what i am feeling) and i take on too much (no one is telling me, i do this to distract). This then leads to me blaming others and everything else for how i feel and not taking accountability on my part. I remember when i started my 12 Step program i connected with a guy there who is now my sponsor and he said "Hey, let's exchange numbers and be accountability partners." I said "YES" not even thinking or completely knowing what that means. Through many conversations and the actions i have taken, i really don't take accountability for things i do especially when i hurt others. Paraphrasing someone it starts by "Finding out why i don't take accountability or why it's important for self growth" needs to be accomplished here in order to start doing it. Not taking accountability has lead to all sh**** things i have done and of course my A's.

Another example, i drink occasionally but the last 2 times i had wine, i became intoxicated. Normally, i can drink and be good the next day. However, i have been having panic attacks even last night and i felt so bummed out and overwhelmed on Friday to where i had glass after glass of wine. I even looked it up and it totally says not to drink alcohol when experiencing panic attacks. I dismissed it anyway. PROBLEM. I wanted to distract from what i was feeling anyway to the point to where i would just sit on the coach to where i felt complete boredom. I totally could have journaled and processed what was happening. I sleep a lot still and my sleeping and eating pattern are shot to poop too. Saturday morning i was late to my recovery meeting because my alarm didn't go off. I woke up and was hung over and felt like i had been hit by a truck. I hurried up and logged into the meeting and didn't turn my camera on or shared. I felt like crap and was not present at all. I needed to be there, i was afraid of things getting worse. I am emotionally distressed and i don't want to keep holding in what i am feeling. This is a safe place to me too and it helps to let things out. Ignoring my feelings is a mistake. I am in control and i can get through this. Hiding, lying, and not taking accountability, will set me back to square one.

As much as my inner critic wants to call me a screw up and reiterate that i can't do anything right, i am calling myself out every time and doing something about it. Tired of people calling me out otherwise. I am not alone in this and that every positive step i take can lead to progress. I just went into a random thought and asked where did i learn not taking accountability from? My Mother came to mind. She does it all the time, plays dumb, gets defensive, and turns it around on you or something else. Honestly, when it comes to family matters, if we feel she is causing a rift especially with my siblings and i, one of us usually the oldest one will call her out and she loses her mind. She did it a few Thanksgiving's ago and it was so disturbing how she responded and went into complete victim mode. No emotions, no accountability. Nothing. Sounds just like me. This is me. Damn. I can't think of anyone else i get this from. So i have to take responsibility and accountability on my part. I see how damaging it is what i am doing. At the end of the day, i am hurting myself the most and not allowing myself to face and confront the feelings that come with it.

I was having a conversation with my BS Friday, she asked a question about my experiences with women in the past, and i was well intoxicated and i went to a ramble of oh no! That didn't happen! blah blah, run and hide, lie, dismiss, go frantic, avoid, anything, but listen and answer the damn question where if i am honest i have already i am sure. Dammit. I don't want to cuss. But this sh** is for the birds. My self destruction and sabotage is at my expense. I was oh yes it did happen with this person. WTF. I am sick of this. My thoughts are not true. They are not true. I can't tell you how many untrue thoughts run through my brain. I know they can be turned off through medication, but i want to do it on my own. I have to try because i don't try at all or if i do it's not enough.

Maybe this is venting. I don't know, but i need to be here. I want to be here. I can't give up on myself.

8 comments posted: Monday, March 1st, 2021

Sex and my worth

For the past several days, i have been thinking about why sex was such a desperate need for me to feel good or wanted in any way. I grew up in a home where i didn't feel nurtured, seen, or heard. I was very neglected by both parents and sheltered. My first memory of any physical or emotional connection was one when an older sister of mine had me kiss her on the mouth and put my hands in her pants. I was probably 3 or 4 years old, but i remember what it felt like. Honestly and of course i feel uncomfortable saying it, but it was my first memory of what it felt like to be loved or nurtured. Then was i 9-11 years old I was molested by a male cousin who i was very close to and saw him as my brother. Most of the time, it happened in my parents bedroom and when he would do things to me in the beginning, i was scared and confused. I wanted my Mom to come in the room and save me but no one ever checked on us. I ended up just staying quiet the whole time and felt he's doing this because he cares about me and my cousin wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I ended up liking how it felt to. Was i forcing myself to like it? Why?

I grew up with nothing but boys and when they became teenagers they started to like me and wanted to do things with me. I thought they were cute, but i was really into girls, but i didn't want to let them down so i did things with some of them in order to not be shut out from them. And a few times i had sex with guys, i did it because i thought that was what i was supposed to do and i wanted them to like me and not leave me. I would also watch late night HBO or Cinemax as a teenager to watch women have sex with men. I realize now, that's the only way i felt people connected with each other. That was the only way to feel loved, good, wanted or cared for. There was no talking about feelings in my home growing up. When i became sexual with women at 23, that's all i thought about was when we would have sex. I didn't know what to expect or what to do, that's all i knew and felt i was good at. I was never interested with talking to people or connecting with them because having sex was the only way i could "talk" to them. I felt as long as i have sex with them, they won't leave me and they will like me.

This was the same for the relationship with my BS. I put all my eggs in a basket as far as sex not once thinking about everything else that's important that is required or fundamental for a relationship to work. I even told BS I was dominant in all my relationships and how i was good at being intimate which for me equated sex. I have always been an attention seeking person because of my low self-esteem or insecurities with myself. I would also sexually objectify women and men and even now discovered that i self objectify myself. Why is this okay? As much as i worked hard for people to want me sexually or to gain attention in any way, i deep down felt miserable and ended up ruining so many relationships and even with friends. I only wanted certain friends because i liked them more than just a friend. Once i was combatted about me trying to control my BS with sex or doing anything external to keep the relationship going, i lost it emotionally. I felt helpless and angry. I felt losing control meant i had nothing and people would start to see me for who i really was. I wanted to explode. I was angry at everyone in sight. I eventually sought other women and tried to get anyone's attention whether you were a man or a woman. I wanted to be wedged in anyone's life whether they liked me or not.

It's miserable though. None of this s*** brings happiness ever. It's a high this minute, this hour, that day or night. I have been feeling pretty down lately, but i try to resort saying it's things that really aren't the deeper rooted answer to the feelings. It's me, i am finally sitting with me. Not trying to seek someone to make me forget about this feeling. I cheated because i knew i could have sex with a person and that's all i wanted and i didn't have to talk about my feelings. I could escape them. I did the shitty thing of blame shifting when i knew all along i pulled the trigger that blew up everything.

I have been talking with people that are safe lately and the connection feels better and different than if i sought them in toxic ways. I honestly feel like so much weight has been lifted and it's relieving. However, it only really matters to have these conversations with my BS who i have abandoned and sit in all that i have caused for so long. To make amends and let her get inside of my thoughts, feelings, how's and they why's.

I needed to let this out, feel free to chime in..

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 1:37 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

5 comments posted: Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

Acting Out

The other night in my meeting that i was asked to lead i wanted to discuss the concept of acting out and wanted to know what others do to prevent from doing it. The night before i received some really upsetting news and i immediately had an emotional breakdown and all the negative thoughts i could possibly think of started flooding my brain. All i could think of was how hard i tried and how i am not good at anything. My reaction was worse than it should be and my thoughts were extremely irrational. But in those moments i felt myself go to that place where i was afraid i would act out. My BS was sitting next to me when this was happening and what she did, she really didn't have to do. She helped me calm down and talked to me about how i needed to process why my reaction was not going to help me the next time i attempt to fix what had happened She walked me through and series of questions to help me understand what happened and what i can do different going forward.

I began to think, what if she wasn't here when i got the news? Would i have acted out? It wasn't her responsibility to help me get my shit back in place. My emotions are very unstable along with my thought patterns. I can be impulsive the second i feel like i am cornered or want to escape my feelings. I know this was a contributing factor that led to my affairs. I was taught to bottle my feelings up or deal with by distracting with anything and later anyone to help not face myself or confront my feelings. After our conversation, i calmed down and sat with every word i said. The next night at my meeting, i asked the question. Each person that shared said there is no magic people or for sure way to prevent acting out. Most said keep in touch with safe people, seek a higher power, or simple run like hell from whoever or whatever.

What keeps me from acting out? I picture it, and when i see would could be the possible result, i choose me in the end. What i didn't before, i picture how it would affect my BS and DD/DS. I ask myself what am i getting out of this, is whatever i am acting out with the real solution to my problem. If it's too much, i reach out to safe people. I have always had safe people in my life, i just never chose to connect or build healthy relationships with them. I know why thankfully and i am glad i am in a better place. I still struggle daily especially with being emotionally supportive, but i see so many things now. It took so much for me to get here. I am sorry the one i hurt the most had to be dragged into and take on everything i could resolve myself. No one can ever give me what i really need to build me up and heal any wound i have.

12 comments posted: Friday, February 12th, 2021

The Return...

Hello SI members,

It has been almost a year since my last post and if I am honest I feel I have let myself down in many ways as I know in my heart this is good for me for my healing, understanding, and gaining the tools to heal from my affairs and all the wounds and shame that I have experienced in my life. Why did I stop posting? I was afraid to be here, afraid to be judged, criticized, seen as anything beyond normal. That’s in my head, not yours. This is about me and how I view myself. I have never felt safe, or trusted anyone because I didn’t feel safe or trusted myself. I recall the last messages I sent to a few of you, and I recall how helpless I sounded, how I “needed” people to save me as usual. So cowardly of me to do. I am responsible for all of my actions that brought me here making every decision that caused unmeasurable hurt and trauma to my BS and DD and DS.

Currently, I am working from home since last March. I am still active in my 12 Step Program, and IC. I have not made contact with any of the AP’s, but last April I sought attention from co-workers because I was feeling emotions and didn’t take the time to sit with it and process what is going on so as negative coping pattern I wanted them to distract me. My BS found out and I spent a night in a hotel. I slept off and on the entire night and I didn’t have anyone there. I called in work the next day. Since that time, I have kept communication professional with the co-workers which I haven’t seen in person since last March. This place helps me, I know this. The only thing holding me back is me. I need all the help I can get. I am a lot better than I was, and I have learned so much too. I stay home and go out for essentials. I talk to my sponsor daily and avoid anyone that is deemed toxic. I was recently diagnosed with a mental health disorder but I refuse to let the label given to me deter away from what’s deeply going on with me. I am sick of being scared. I need to be a part of this space. I realized the safest space is in my 12 Step meetings that I attend twice a week virtually. I feel comfortable and I open up about so many things good and bad. My sponsor is so brutally honest and supportive and I don’t know where I would be without his guidance. I confess, I was in too much shame to be here. One of my counselors recommended I read “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown,” and I felt like she was talking to me and telling my story. I am ready to have uncomfortable conversations with all of you. I am my worst critic and that has caused so much damage to myself. My thoughts and feelings are always constant and I believed the negative ones and I realize now they are not true. I am good enough, I am capable, and I can change. I have caused so much hurt and pain to my family and those closest to me. I can’t keep focusing on people liking me or giving me stability or my identify. I wanted all my AP’s to love, care, listen to me, not judge or criticize or me, or have me talk about my feelings. Well the truth is all those things are my responsibility to give to me.

As much as I avoided coming here, I felt immense guilt knowing I was letting myself down and hindering my healing with myself and my family. My A’s are on me, no one else. I had no right to put any blame on my BS. There is no point in me running and hiding anymore. I take any advice at this point. Spend all the time I need here. I wonder how you are doing too. I don’t know what the future holds and don’t care to know. To be present is the most important thing now.

I also watch a ton of documentaries that help with psychological issues and infidelity. I meditate and walk and journal any chance I get. However, being here will get my further then where I am. I am better emotionally and mentally but I have a ways to go and that’s okay. I am not alone and we are in this together. I apologize for not being active on here and I know being here is worth another chance at life.

11 comments posted: Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

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