Newest Member: 30yearsofheartache


5 1/2 months later.. suffering

5 1/2 months since dday. (I had a 5month ea/pa).

Some of you may remember me.. I haven't been on here much lately..

I am here due to overwhelming feelings of helplessness. And also to out myself.

When I first came to SI, honestly looking and reading back, I was still full of shit in ways... clouded in judgement and not strong at all!

Since then, 1-2 times weekly IC and books,TED talks, lots of research and thinking have changed the ways I think forever. And I have had fails. I am not completely perfect but I am aware and determined to live wholehearted. Its a process and a marathon.

As update, for the last 5 1/2 months, BS and I have been separated. He continues to keep a small light of hope up for R but he is going through depression and that small light seems to be going away..

Without giving too much of his private information I am asking you all if there is anything I can do to help him any further? He is struggling so bad with depression. Does go see IC once a week but honestly I feel as if it is not enough, he was talking about going to see a trauma specialist, has not see one yet as it is hard to get in these days..

BS is specifically struggling due to images he is seeing in his head. He knows details of what happened during pa upon his request and even met with AP months ago to question him about details.

Is there anything I can do to help him? I've reached the end of my line it seems. Done all and more that was asked. Changed my entire life around.

I am glad I did. And while I manage day to day, the self hate is certainly still there and will prob remain.

My BS is suffering and there is nothing I can do. I broke his heart and now he is suffering from depression. How can I help him survive this? How do other BS decide to R or find happiness again without their WS? It seems we are both breaking more and more each day and while I am so hoping and wishing for a new start together, I am aware it is unlikely.

I've read a lot about emotional dependence and I can say that I see myself certainly as emotional dependent on how BS is feeling. Knowing how he is feeling triggers my wish to A: help him, and then when I am not able to/ allowed to it triggers me to not want to live anymore in ways.

BS has suicidal thoughts he tells me. I truly want nothing more than for BS to be happy again. What can I do?

Due to my own work I know I can't do his work for him. I know he has to make his own decisions. But how can I just continue this way? It's been 5 1/2 months and I told him I will wait until there's nothing left in me and I mean that!

Is there BS or WS amongst you that have been in this situation? How does a BS decide what they want moving forward and can? Is there any resources that could help him to cope with mental images? any advice?

I am sorry but clearly I am desperate..

Desperate because I really want him to feel better. It seems impossible to think of anything else but BS pain. His suffering. I can only decide for me and control me. I just don't want to give up fighting for us. And fighting for him. Any advice is appreciated!

His pain, What I did to him.. I can't express my remorse in words. I broke him. Broke us. Our life. Took it and destroyed it all due to my own selfish and brokeness!

The work I can do on my side I am doing as much as possible. It is not a quick fix. But this post is essentially out of the helplessness that I truly want to support BS in any way he needs. His suffering is breaking him and also me apart and I can't help him this way.

Any advice?

Specifically, he just txt me last night and expressed his pain. Explained how the mental images are haunting him daily.. I have not txt him back yet. I am not sure what to say. There's nothing that hasn't been said. idk what to do anymore. The feelings are overwhelming and people continue to tell me I just need to take care of myself... I can't do that in this situation. Taking care of myself while knowing how badly he is suffering.. SI community I just don't know what to do anymore as there doesn't seem to be anything I can do..

13 comments posted: Friday, December 4th, 2020

“Best friend” harming bs - my fault?..

Dear SI community, I’ve been staying away from here as Manx things have been happening and I am trying to cope. For the last 4 months I’ve been working on myself and have changed so very much. Since then there have been good moments with BS and sadly also fails on my part. The biggest fail continued to be that I know the right thing is to respect when he asks to be left alone and I could not act on it because my own pain was so overwhelming. Instead of seeing myself in the right tho, I’ve then scheduled ic to figure that shit out. Well, last night my world broke down as I heard that my grandma overseas is in the icu and needed dialysis. Due to Covid she can’t have visitors. I begged my bs to be there with me because I broke down completely. Knowing I do not deserve him and even begged after he told me that he can’t see me. - how selfish I was😞 or I should say am considering this was last night. I managed to go to sleep. Hoped for today to be a better day. I woke up to messages from BS, showing how my best friend from Germany (now former) messaged him and said he needs to stop playing games with me. I was shocked. Tried to call bs he would not answer. Then asked my “friend” and said wth?! For months she has been there for me over the phone. Honest but supportive of my work and that I am fighting for R. In the last weeks she’s been telling me that she is worried about me. That she does not recognize me anymore as I do whatever bs wants and that what I am doing is very unhealthy. Each time I issued her that it is my work because I choose that work and that I want to become a safe partner. She got all true INformation from me and of course she saw it from my corner as she has been a friend for 10 years.. so now, BS txt me and told me it’s over. How I write and talk in a way that creates sympathy and he even thinks I do it unintentionally. I feel completely devastated. This “friend” knows I love him and that not once did I want to stop fighting. Yet she tells me I am being manipulated.. I now lost BS due to this being a trigger as my former coworkers were saying similar things months ago. I stopped talking to all of them. Have I really surrounded myself with people like that before?.. I think this friend is scared because she does not recognize me anymore. Because I’ve been changing so much and she even said she is using her own life experience to see this. That sometimes even tho I live something I must let it go. I scheduled ic for tonight as I am at a total loss. Did I just loose my best friend and also my Bs both in one day?.... I want to add that right after I received the message, I messaged this friend and asked her to explain herself and told her wth?! Then drove to bs house because I will choose him any day over any friend. He was so devastated and heart broken. Thinking the worst of me and saying that I must have told this friend for months things that aren’t true for her to think so poorly of him. He was in tears and asked me to leave. Leaving him broke my heart and at the same time, I did. I left. It was against everything in me. And now, I’m sitting here in my car. The world is spinning and I just want it to stop. Not once did I tell this friend bad things about bs. I have told her over and over how I am taking full responsibility. And her answer is: it takes two... that is her outlook. And all the fighting now means nothing. Please help. I see how and why bs would see the way he does. But it is not based on the truth 😞 it’s really not. And so now, I told this friend that I considered to be my best friend for 10 years that this all was not okay. And her response was that she sees how this whole situation has been breaking me apart and she could not see that any longer... but it hat is my decision to make where my stop is. Not hers. And I stead of her messaging bs as a supportive friend of the relationship, she messaged him and only said: stop playing with her. ... 😣

4 comments posted: Wednesday, November 4th, 2020

seeking advice for my situation

long post ahead, basically just typed up what is in my head and would appreciate some input. I am trying to put things in perspective without falling back into shame. Trying to come up with a way to cope and a plan how to go forward.

I feel so confused. After dday 3 ½ months ago BS moved out. Left all his things here and he was on the ground depressed to the point of suicide attempt.Which, I am ashamed to say: triggered me (ex husband tried to kill himself in front of me) Then, I fell into a shame loop for a few weeks as you all may remember.

BS has lived with his mom since dday and has not worked. (Just passed his boards shortly before dday) so, he basically went into such depression that he was sleeping on the ground on a blanket and stared at a wall. He went through different stages of anger, hate, sadness and so on. Met with AP with a list of questions, recorded the conversation, played it to his mom and then to me. (1hr recording of details of the A). Came to me, and flipped furniture, threw things.. You can imagine..

From the beginning, BS has told me that he has not completely given up. That there is a small 1% chance for R. I told him that I understand if he never wants to see me again, his reply had always been - "don’t let me go, don’t stop fighting".

So, since then, I have been going to IC 1-2 per week. Been on here every day. Do daily things BS told me to (kind of like a daily homework list). Been educating myself on communication etc. Digging deep in IC on why’s and how’s. In general basically changing the core of who I am.

There's progress, and I can certainly say that my outlook is very different. Changed the lens that I am looking through. There is some fails. There is moments when the old habits knock on my door. Usually I notice them and correct the thought right before or sometimes right after and and then correct myself.

BS has gone to counseling too for the most part 1 per week I think.

I’ve been struggling with his request of NC in the past. And I am not going to lie, I still do.

Saturday night him and I txt and he had told me that he is going to date in this time and prob will have sex with others… it hit me like a brick and I txt him that I want him to do what he must to heal. That it will hurt me but that I do get it.. He came here to bring me something and we hugged and he held me tight and long for the first time in I don’t even remember how long. He said he felt hope and that he is afraid of that.. We said our good byes and went NC again. I struggled with the txt about him going to go on dates.. The following nights I did my “To do list” and journaled.. I envisioned him on dates. Having sex.. (he is an amazing sexual partner). The things he would do with other women.. It threw me right into a shame hole..

Well, Tuesday night, I went to a workout and afterwards, I broke down. 10 minutes I staired at my phone and in a moment of being totally overwhelmed I dialed his number. Nobody answered. I panicked. (this was a fail). So, I got in my car and drove to his moms house to just knock on the door and tell him why I had a fail, how my mind was absolutely going crazy about that txt from saturday. Point blank, I wanted to be honest and apply the things I learned about communication. - He was not there.. It was around 9pm. His mom opened the door and I spoke to her. That he was not there triggered all my insecurities that I have from my past. While I’ve been digging deep, my previous life experience will take a long time of IC to work through and I know this and so I am just not at that point were I can say I am not insecure… given that his mom is like a mom to me, or at least was, I broke down and told her. (I felt like a victim without wanting to be. I was hurting. And that was it. Selfishly hurting). She encouraged me to just txt him about the fail, and so I did. I also asked him if we could meet, given that my confusion did not just go away.. He, to my surprise agreed.

We met and talked. We had some very hard but good moments and he was actually vulnerable with me for the first time again. I applied automatically out of instinct my newly adapted coping skills and also tried to apply empathetic communication. It went well. We cried together and even had a wonderful and meaningful conversation totally unrelated to the situation, but about one of his hobbies, passions that I had educated myself about as part of my work towards being a better person and partner.

Then, I confined in him my fears of the last couple of days about that txt, him dating other women while asking me to fight for our future.. To fight to be a better person than I was. Upon me opening up about that, he told me that he did already go on dates. I asked how many and he said 6. Some of them he kissed. I asked if he slept with any of them, he then said yes. He told me that he had sex with a woman shortly after dday (so 3 months ago). Then, he said he had a 3 way, upon me asking when that was, his answer was: yesterday. (my world inside shattered and I felt all hope I’ve been holding on to evaporate, tried to keep it cool on the outside but I was visibly trembling.) BS then told me that he had just lied. That he did not have a 3 way. That it was just one woman yesterday. He said he lied bc it was always a fantasy he had.. Upon me asking further questions, he kind of laughed and told me that I have no reason to be upset. He is single and he wanted to feel alive. He met these women to bump his self esteem, to feel something. I held BS and told him that it’s okay. That it hurts me very much but that I do understand.

So here is my dilemma, I am in no way meaning to diminish what I have done. I hate everything about it and am disgusted and ashamed by it.

That being said, I am really fighting hard not to fall into the “shame hole” again as it prevents any progress.

I feel very confused now. My hope for a new start between BS and I is there. I love him. And I am determined to keep my work up.

However, my feelings are shattered due to knowing what he has been doing these last 3 months while I had no idea. He says he’s been single ever since dday, and yet, I would not have said we were since all his things are still here and he’s been telling me to continue fighting etc..

For a man to have sex he had to have errections.. So, how can I see that he is feeling so badly while going out fucking other women.. It’s not like he can be super passive about that, so how?

Idk, I think the way I am feeling has lots to do with my past. It triggers my low self worth feeling etc. I feel like I lost trust towards my BS now and then at the same time tell myself that I have no reason to feel betrayed.

I am the WS. We were/are not R.I always considered it an in between stage of not knowing. He did what he felt like he needed. He does not feel guilty about it but does say he is sorry that I am feeling hurt.

So, people, I am posting this bc I am at a total loss with my feelings right now. Is it wrong that I am hurt? Is what cheater thinking or entitlement/ selfishness? That is what BS told me. That I am selfish in my thinking. And all I feel is pain. Idk.

Over all the conversations we had were good and we both agreed it was a positive and big step for us/ him to be vulnerable with each other. We ended the contact by agreeing on NC for 2 weeks and then meeting again. Which I am grateful for! I did do what IC told me, to set boundaries for my own mental health. So I told BS that while I understand the - seeing other people and getting self worth from that, that he can continue to do that if he feels that is what he needs. But that I can not see him then. It is his decision. But if we are both serious about R/ new start and putting in the work, then I felt it was okay for me to ask him to not date others in these next two weeks. (well I was not sure if it was ok of me to say/ ask that, but i did). He said ok. He said he is not doing it for me or because I asked.

So here I am. Sitting on my mattress and typing this up, scheduled a IC appointment for this afternoon too. I do NOT want to be in a victim mentality and truly mean when I say, I get why he felt the need to date etc, but now, I feel that pain. On top of the shame from my affair I now feel betrayed in a way bc I assumed that he would not have sex with others during the time of “not knowing what will happen to us”. That was my fault I guess. Thinking how I laid here typing in my journal, reading about infidelity, looking up BS perspective and trauma… while that same night he fucked another makes me sick to my stomach.

Parts of me say: A: I have no right to be hurt or feel betrayed and I should explore further why I do.

B: BS tells me that I continue to have a selfish way of thinking and I am wondering what that even means now while really just trying to hold myself together

C: I deserve to feel this. I am not a victim but I am the one that had an affair.

D: Is there such thing as right and wrong in this case? Idk

E: I now see pictures in my head, how he did it to these women. Over and over again.

F: I want to let this go, as BS is right in that he can do what he wants. I do not want to focus on this. He did what he felt he needed. And I do understand it and want to continue the work and fight for hopefully a new star for us.

G: I struggle with the feeling that I can't be honest to BS bc when I am it sounds selfish. While that is not the intention at all. Just explaining my side of things to have propper communication. Asking about his thoughts and views, but then I can't say mine..

So, these are the things that are going on in my head. I am beating myself up over and over again. That I am hurt, why the f am I hurt?! I am the WS!

It feels so torn, parts of me are humble and I want to do whatever BS needs. But now I am also feeling hurt, and triggered to shame, so idk..

And thoughts are appreciated

7 comments posted: Thursday, October 8th, 2020

slap my hand - holding myself accountable

Please slap my hand,

I really want to reach out to my BS. It feels right to reach out. I want to be there for him.

(see the selfishness- I want....)

This NC topic does only seem to get worse for me, not easier. While I am doing my work as promised, all I am learning is to be true to myself (even tho I am still in the process of reestablishing and internalizing mu values)

So, in essence, reaching out to my BS feels right as it comes from a place in me that cares so much about him.

However, his wish for NC overrides my desire. This is how it should be right? That his wish is above mine. That it should not be a question what I do... and yet, I am having this constant internal battle within me about this..

I have told myself I need to explore more why I feel the need to reach out to him, knowing he wants NC. And the answers come down to that I base it off of myself... the times I pushed him away in the past while all I truly wanted was for him to hold me closer and not let me go. - my BS does not have a twisted mind like that,,, when he says nc then I must believe that that is what he needs = what is best for him.... see the struggle?!

So, earlier I was talking with a BS on a different forum that basically then triggered me into the thinking: god, I have to reach out to my BS... but I stopped and then messaged this person back, that while I appreciate the input and perspective, everything I would be saying or thinking about my BS are assumptions. The one thing I know for sure is, that this is about respect ans selfishness vs, being selfless.


22 comments posted: Saturday, September 26th, 2020

Spy apps, tracker etc.

I would like to look into spy apps, and tracker apps etc.

I am a WS and currently in NC with BS (per his request. Chance to R is slim but I am fighting)

While I am working on myself and really try to have my own progress as my goal (be better and a safe partner) as R is a gift that I do not deserve and BS would extend if that would be what he wants down the road..

However, IF he would choose R, I'd like to be "prepared" in regards of things I can do/ be proactive vs. reactive to build trust.

Part of that, while he knows I am more than willing to have trackers etc. on my devices, (and he has voiced it would be a must), I'd like to write some options down that I have then at that point researched myself. This moment of needing them may never come but IF it does, I'd like to be able to not just say: yeah I'll do whatever (even tho that is true) But instead have a list of options..

I have done some research already but it seems that there are a ton of scam apps etc...

Therefore, is there any apps/ programs or ideas you guys would be willing to share with me?

17 comments posted: Thursday, September 24th, 2020

holding myself accountable

Dear SI community,

Last night, I failed to keep NC with my BS. I went to see him. Twice. I heard he was sick and everything in me was craving to be near him. To take care of him. And it was the most selfish thing to give in to that craving. My heart was bleeding, and instead of healing it myself and coping successfully by myself, I reached out to him.

I posted on here yesterday after I went the first time and some of you may have seen that post. Shame took over… it was really bad. It was like I could feel his pain in my chest. I was hurting because I knew from the earlier meeting how much he was hurting.. No way to communicate, no way to heal. I felt empty and dead inside. It was too much for me. (shame def. Took completely over. The self hate and all that were there).

I then had the ultimate fail. I am ashamed and mad at myself for this: I went to the one person that I told myself would be able to help me out of the shame loop after failing to do it myself. It was so very selfish out of total desperation and pain. Unintentionally, I portrait myself as the victim in doing this. By reaching out. Disrespecting BS wish.

I do not want pity and I do not see myself as a victim. I caused this. My BS is in so much pain and I do feel helpless that I can’t do anything about that.

He needs time alone. Time to heal himself. He needs NC from me.

-Before he reached back out to me this previous weekend, I was ok with NC. I managed somehow and really poured my all into healing and working on myself. I do not know what happened this week since he then wanted NC again. It is like it was an overload of emotions yesterday and shame got me big time.

However, I do not want to fall back into shame ever again like I did last night. This morning I promised BS that I will not break it again. I will continue my progress, my work. Will keep my promise. I am determined to become stronger so this will not happen again.

It did not come from a bad place within me. However, I do not want to pressure him or disrespect him. I really don’t. There’s been so much progress within me and BS did say that he has seen that. But regardless, this was a major fail that I am very angry and ashamed of.

I put myself above him last night. My feelings above his wish of NC. No matter why. I did. And that can NOT happen again.

If you're a WS and read this, please take it as example to not make that same selfish decision I did last night. And for that matter even this morning as BS and I talked one last time. I urge you all to stay strong. Don't let shame take over. It is destructive to not just you, but also to BS. The selfishness out of my desperation showed him that respecting NC was not more important to me than my own pain. No matter how bad it gets. BS wish is #1 priority. Always. And it should be my instinct to honor that. Not just 99% of the time, But 150% of the time. That is it.

I am posting on here now as a reminder to myself and to hold myself accountable going forward. Also, any advice going forward is welcome.

[This message edited by Rose2206 at 6:23 PM, September 20th (Sunday)]

9 comments posted: Sunday, September 20th, 2020

shame is back, please help

Had my last counseling session with a counselor today before switching to a new one.

My BS and I were in NC until he broke it last weekend, we then txt for a few days and he then wanted NC again. I told my IC today how the one extreme to the other is killing me. To go from being able to see his pain and knowing to NC.

IC told me that he is seeing my breaking point about this. That I must tell BS how I feel. That caring coming from the point in me it is coming from is not disrespecting, but really caring. So I went to BS house after IC.

I realize that it made it about me.(In retro spect, I wish I would not have listened to IC). I made clear to BS that it was the last time he will see me at his house. I will fully honor NC going forward. - I was doing okay with NC until last weekend. It was hard but I managed. We spent days talking, then went back to NC. That back and forth changed something in me.

The last time him and I talked he let me hanging in the air with a statement he txt that was filled with assumptions about me and the way I think about the future that are not true.

He opened the door. We sat down and talked for a bit. My BS is stuck in the past with his emotions, pictures in his head. He is in pain. So much suffering that I caused.. And all I can do to help is to honor NC.

In the conversation he said something that hurt me so very much and I can’t stop thinking about it… he said that he wishes he would have never fallen in love with me 3 years ago. That he would give up all the good memories so he wouldn’t have to feel this pain. ..he said I was his true love.. And I destroyed him.

Now, I am in my apartment, (our former apartment, all his stuff is still here). I am here. Sitting in the dark. Shame took over right now. I failed him. I reached out because I felt that expressing what NC is doing to me was the right thing. My IC told me it is the right thing to tell someone you care. To not hold back. Be vulnerable even with the risk you will get hurt. Well, it took all I had left today to go there.

Now, all my progress seems to be parked at the curb. I sit here in shame.

There is a small hope for R my BS said. But he needs to heal himself first.

And I want to be respectful and honor NC.

Right now, in this moment, I feel empty

I realize what I have done to my BS. The harm and pain. His suffering. He is the most wonderful person I know. I inflicted all this. I am on the ground knowing I can’t turn back time.

I am not sure how to survive this right now. I have made progress and realize today is “just” a bad day. It is a long road ahead and not a sprint. There is nobody in my life to rely on. No support system. So I post on here.

Any guidance is appreciated

7 comments posted: Saturday, September 19th, 2020

battle within yourself

For context: BS and I are in NC (per his request). Healing separately.

Days go by, every morning is a struggle to find the strength to get out of bed. My BS is gone. I miss and think of him every moment of the day. Dream about him at night.

He is on his journey to healing himself. Working through the trauma that I put him in. That I caused. None of it was his fault. He is a wonderful and very special human being that deserves the best! Yet, I failed him. Failed us.

There was a time when I started to blame him for so many things. I now realize that I deflected from myself. I chose not to face my demons. My flaws and to not show them. Instead “I acted out”. I blamed him. Hid behind a mask. Ran away and began to seek validation that I was “not flawed”. I seeked self worth from an outside source because I could not look at myself. I was a coward. I lied. Cheated. Betrayed.

I have been working on my deep, true why’s, and while they are sincere, I chose to make those decisions. I hate what I did. I absolutely hate that I did all of those things. It fills me with disgust, hate and sadness towards myself. -shame.

R is unlikely as I have hurt my BS in such an enormous way. Caused him trauma that he will have a scar from forever. He will never be the same person. I robbed him of innocence. Of his ability to trust and love.

While I have been working hard, and continue to do so to be a better person every single day, I find myself in a battle with myself in a way. While I am fighting to become a full wholehearted person with every decision I make, I notice that with every day going by, the pain is getting greater. The reality of the fact that I destroyed us. Him.

While I have learned many things in the past weeks of what I need to do, (a few things work really well- others not so much). I struggle to let go of the outcome. The outcome that I want and believe in vs. the outcome that my BS wants. The unknown of what he wants is excruciating. I must surrender. I know I do. But how?,,, I say I want him to be happy again and no matter what the decision will be, I do really mean that!

Then I look at myself, and all I can see is sadness. Loss.

Many WS I have talked to, told me to really “just do me”. Focus on me and let go of the outcome. Well, all of them as far as I know, have been given the gift of R. Am I jealous they have received that gift from their BS?.. I think I may be. It is clearly selfish thinking out of panic. - this is a major fail I noticed and stopped it right then and there.

That being said, I think of my BS every minute of the day and want nothing but the best for him. The thought of knowing it is likely he will decide to move on with life without me is something that scares me very much but I do understand. I want his happiness above all.

I feel like my thoughts and feelings have been in a constant battle for a couple of days now. One side is battling shame while also owning what I have done without feeling any sort of pity for myself (which I did early in the process). The other part is trying to find the right path to surrender to the outcome. I am so very determined to become a better person. Each day I am carefully and critically with my own decisions, actions and thoughts. Reflecting every inch of myself. I have had many “fail’s”. But I am determined not to give up. The highlight of my week is IC… it is the weirdest thing. But it is like instead of putting my boxing gloves on when I go to the IC. I go there as humble and open as I can possibly be. And it became truly my personal highlight of the week to feel that way. Be safe and comfortable being 100% present with who I am towards myself and another person.

15 comments posted: Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Update on the process of finding out my "true and deeper why's"

Dear SI community,

I’d like to share with you guys how “writing down my why’s” has impacted me so far..

After days of thinking about it and struggling to find words (which I still am), I started to write down my “why’s”. It began with -blaming my BS for things in a way. I wrote down how I remember that I felt back then.. After continuing to ask “why” for every point, I had a breakthrough! Here are my thoughts on this particular thing.. Tears started running down my face and I was unable to control them when this came up within my thoughts..

I tried to fit in. MY ENTIRE LIFE. Beginning in childhood. I always fit in everywhere and nowhere. The person that is “cool” with everybody but does not have one circle of friends. Not just “one group” I hung out with. Liked by many, really known by nobody… WHY?!...

I never felt I BELONGED anywhere. Until I met my BS. The moment I told myself, I want to marry this man. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We started to call each other life partners. It filled me with happiness. But looking back, something in me slowly started to change. I got triggered by so many things.. (things, problems, trauma I went through in my previous marriage that I never resolved or even talked about to anyone)..

I started to manipulate myself. The feeling of belonging somewhere, to someone scared me. It meant to be fully vulnerable.

I had not faced the past myself.. How could I have been fully unguarded and allow myself to be happy. To fully open up and embrace the happiness that was right in front of me. I couldn’t.:(. Instead, I ran. I ran from what seemed to be too good for me. Someone that gets their entire self worth from others can’t feel belonging right?!.. I manipulated and destroyed my own happiness. The TRUE feeling of belonging because I could not believe it.


It destroyed me when I wrote it down. It is the most selfish and in the same moment most self destructive thing..

My next why will be: Why did I feel that way? WHY was an affair my escape?! Out of all the things… WHY did I choose to lie. To hide. To deny myself the feeling of true belonging.. WHY was I not honest with myself then. WHY was I not honest with my BS?! WHy did I not embrace my feelings of belonging and love to my BS but instead destroyed everything?!


Thoughts and advice are appreciated

4 comments posted: Saturday, September 5th, 2020

so many emotions/ IC experience ..

Many different emotions today..

Today marks the day that NC is in effect. My BS is going to leave for a trip, idk where to or for how long. The reason for the trip is so he can heal himself as much as possible.

Yesterday he stopped by and requested to read my journal. He wanted to see where I am at in my head. I asked him to stay safe before he left. He asked me to continue to fight to become a better person. I do not know what his thoughts were after reading my journal and I am honestly afraid of them. I want him to heal and do what is best for him. I am determined to continue fighting and I will keep my promise to him. Knowing my words don't mean anything at this time and may never and that my actions may never mean anything either.

I feel like all that is in me is loss right now. A death of the person I loved most. He died because of me. I must trust that he is going to do what is best for him and in the mean time I must focus on the here and now. All I can control - myself.

Here I am today, struggling. I had an appointment with the IC and honestly I don't think I will go see her again. I am unsure what to think. She is great with uncovering my deep feelings I've been carrying around with me, but she also sees me as a "victim". She says she is seeing so much suffering within me..that she is welcoming all my parts to be part of me, the good and the bad.. she said that she is not excusing what I did/ that it is nor her intention but that she feels like it was my BS that did not see my suffering, not that he caused it but that he wanted me to be what he wanted and that he did not care about the wounds within me. He did not see them. Stuff like that is what she said..- I wholeheartedly disagreed with her. I confronted her about the fact that I do not want pity and that I am the cause why my BS is suffering. I told her straight up that I disagreed with her. (Which I am proud of myself I did that, a few weeks, heck even days ago I would not have stood up against her). I told her that how could my BS have known something was wrong if, for the longest time I even hid it from myself. How could he have known when I did not communicate. Well he couldn't have know. And none of that excuses the fact that I had an affair. So I made that very clear to her. And it made me so angry she would think like that of my BS, while I am the pile of trash sitting in front of her that caused him such harm!

I must say on this note that I am switching insurance plans due to work so I am unsure at this time when I will be able to go to IC again. I will do it as soon as I can. - with a different counselor.

Any advice is appreciated regarding my situation.

Do you have any suggestions how to find a good counselor that specializes in this field?..

*I struggled to find the right title for this post.. and apologize for typos and english is not my first language - that mixed with emotions can sometimes really affect my ability to express myself correctly in the way I mean to.

4 comments posted: Saturday, August 29th, 2020

change to become wholehearted and a safe partner

I (27F) want to change myself for good. I am taking full responsibility that I made the worst decisions of my entire life within the last year! I had an affair. I lied. (Affair lasted 5 months)

I was in a relationship with the love of my life! Truly the kind of love some people never ever even find in their life!

Yet, I had an affair. I know, due to books, research and IC that I had the affair due to ME. My past. Selfishness. Broken parts of me that I was not even fully aware of. The whole thing felt "unreal". Like an escape from reality. The AP is a manipulative player that age wise could be my father. I ended the affair. Cut all contact with the AP. But I did not have the courage to tell my BS directly. I trickle truth ed.;(

Since Dday (2 months ago)my BS moved out. He requested NC, which neither one of us obeyed at first. I fell into self pity for a few weeks. In an absolute state of panic. Realizing what I had done. My BS is the most wonderful man you could imagine. And I killed him. He tried to commit suicide. And the guilt has been eating me up for lots of this time.

IC has helped me very much. Brene Brown truly opened my eyes to who I want to be. I want to be a wholehearted person. A safe partner.

I've had much progress over the course of the last two weeks in particular to grow and learn. I've noticed my "filter' has changed. The way I view situations and people.

There is a tiny hope for R according to my BS. He needs NC so he can heal himself first tho. I must use this time to become stronger than ever and ensure that I am using this time in all the right ways.

In the last weeks I've been: reading books, started at a new gym, try to stay healthy, quit my job and will start a new one next Monday. I journal, keep track of txt's and calls. I post and read on forums every day. And I continue with IC as often as possible.

My question: Is there any WS here that have made that change from a "monster" to a "wholehearted person"?

I am not going to minimize what tremendous trauma and pain I brought to my BS. What I have done is disgusting. I hate every part of it. Every decision I made. Every time I talked to the AP. The lies. Trickle truth. I regret everything so very much! And I wish I could turn back time.

But I must stop this shame loop once and for all! I can not become a safe partner while being depressed to the point that I can not function. I love my BS. I am so regretful that I told him I will let him go, that I understand if he will never look at me again. He told me to FIGHT. To be strong. And by god I've really been trying.

There have been set backs. There has been progress. I am terrified and I know he is too. He must be so hurt and frustrated. Filled with so many emotions.

As of this morning we are back in NC according to his request.

I am posting here to ask for any constructive advice in regards to how to become a safe and strong partner. Advice how to manage NC when you miss you partner so very much. Managing guilt. Has anybody experienced similar situations?

And my question as mentioned above, is there WS here (Or BS that stayed with their WS and can answer) that have truly become a safe and strong partner for themselves and their BS?

I have read many posts on other forums were WS cheated again after sometimes even years of reconciliation. I look at that and it blows my mind. They received the gift of reconciliation and lived with their spouse and then cheated again?!

I asked myself if I would do that.I know % wise lots of cheaters cheat again. I am disgusted by even thinking of what I have done. To imagine I would cheat again seems impossible to me. I will ensure that it will be impossible for me as I will continue with healing my past trauma broken parts within me with the help of counseling and true self reflection.

I see it as: I burned when i touched fire. My entire body burned and it also burned the person that I called life partner. And I will NOT EVER step even near fire again!!!

I miss my BS. I miss him so very much and want what is best for him.

Sorry for the long post. If it seems desperate, well I am in a way desperate right now. I have never been an introvert. Since dday lots of things happened within my personality. I'd like to believe that I kept most of all my positive triads so far. I cut contact with almost every single person ("friends" and family) as they gave me pity or cheap advise. Some even turned against my BS and said horrible things about him. At first I did not protect him. Until he and I talked about it. Then the curtain fell and I cut contact with almost everybody.

The one and only person I seem to get genuine advice from a place of wholeheartedness is his mom.

She truly wants the best for the both of us. She is an amazing person that I admire very much.

Also, I apologize for any typos (english is not my first language and I do struggle a bit to put all my thoughts and emotions into words so they portrait them accurately)

Also, I did join another support group forum on my own weeks ago. However, My BS found this site and encouraged me to use it as he said this is a more active community.

I am thankful these site exit and hope I can too one day pass my knowledge and experience on to someone in need

53 comments posted: Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

new here - seeking advise

I (F27, WS) always said I WOULD NEVER cheat. I was one of the good ones. I was betrayed before. English is not my first language so I do apologize in advance for typos etc.

I grew up with cheating parents.

{I got married at a you age and moved across the world for my previous marriage. After the divorce (due to my ex husbands emotional abuse towards me and his drug addiction) I told myself I would never love again.} Never trust again.

Until the day I met him (29 BS). Our first date turned into 4 dates in one day. Neither one of us expecting it. We fell in love. After 9 months of dating I moved in with him. (the upstairs of his moms house that was intended to be short term due to career changes). We were so very happy. We even celebrated our first fight!

Time went by and slowly things changed. I felt like I was not enough. Topics came up like the wish to have children. No sex for a long period of time (even tho our sex was the best thing ever).. Many triggers happened that lead me to feel worthless. I failed miserably to communicate with him. I tried. At least that's what I told myself.

After a rotation at work on a different ward I added all the staff on fb for professional references. The surgeon who is much older than me started to contact me. He talked about a mission trip he planned and asked if i would be interested. He complimented me on my work and then also my looks.. My BS saw these messages after and warned me. I told him he had nothing to worry about, that this guy is a player and flirts with every one. And I truly felt that way - nothing to worry about. I was not in danger. Well, I continued txt with him, telling myself that I am not in danger because I would never cheat. My guard was entirely down. Looking back tho, I knew it was wrong bc it made my spouse uncomfortable. Long story short, the AP said all the right things I craved to hear. Acted respectful while in the same moment pushed boundaries. Then backed up and apologized - then pushed some more. I met him for lunch (which was spontaneous and the conversation there was strictly work. Nothing emotional or sexual or anything like that. The communication continued. I shared my relationship problems with him (to get inside from a mans perspective - so freaking stupid) One night after my BS and I had a big fight I contacted the AP. We met at a bar, I had two drinks and we kissed in the parking lot. He asked me to come home with him and I told him no. I left. Cried. Drove home. I did NOT tell my BS. I was terrified of what happened. Some time later I went to the AP's house, In my mind because I knew I'd see him at work. And I needed to "clear the air". I went to his house to make clear that that kiss was a big mistake and that that was it. I gave him the whole speech. He acted understanding. As I walked towards the door he fixated on my body with his eyes. He told me how attractive I was and started to make moves towards me. The backed off and apologized. then came close again. Until I gave in. It turned into a PA. The sex was never long. Never good. I was so passive. But I did perform oral sex upon his request once. Again not long. The entire Affair lasted for 5 months. Txt a ton about literally non important things. talked on the phone. He can't even pronounce my name right.

I ended the affair. I did not tell my BS everything directly. I kept it in for almost 2 months before dday happened. I trickle truthed. I did everything wrong you could possibly do wrong. My BS left. He gave me multiple chances to speak the entire truth and I did not take it fully. Weeks passed and I drowned in self pity due to the NC rule with my BS. He told me there was a 1% chance of reconciliation.

I started to use the time and worked on myself. I went immediately to IC. Read books, worked through things. My BS gave me a list of tasks to do every day. One of which to write a post on a forum every 14 days. Today marked day 15 without a post. How did that slip my mind?! Bottom line. He continued to ask for details. I have told him the truth. and today came detail out that i trickle truthed again. He pointed out to me that he can see the progress I have made but that this new trickle truth about a detail of what AP said during sex has now caused him to go back to below zero on trust towards me.

It is all my fault! Mys BS tried to kill himself after Dday. That is how badly he is hurt. I have posted on other forums and was told to just let him go. That that would be the humane thing to do. I must say that it made some sense to me, I do not feel deserving. I am so guilty and ashamed. But not once did I not want to fight.

But I learned in counseling that I will not give up! I love my BS more that I could ever put into words. I truly believe we could make it through this together. My BS is the most wonderful person. A true dream man come true! I am in limbo with my self. With hate and disgust towards myself and the hope that I can change for good and become a safe partner. Is there any advice any of you could give me?. I am fighting to become deserving of reconciliation.

[This message edited by Rose2206 at 10:59 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

2 comments posted: Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

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