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Newest Member: shouldistayorshouldigono

Wayward Side :
Admitting it vs. Getting it vs. Owning it vs. Living it

Topic is Sleeping.
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RandomName ( new member #75313) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

Thank you for this. Kinda bouncing between 1,2

posts: 27   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2020
id 8587400
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AintGonnaLose ( member #72530) posted at 11:35 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

My WS has literally said

“I take responsibility for what I did! It’s not my fault you don’t want to let it go. I don’t deserve to have this brought up every day.”

“I owned the fact that I lied and I apologized. Now it’s on you to trust me.”

“Look, I get it, I understand how it must feel. It probably feels a lot Iike when you get dumped in high school.” (I shit you not.)

And my favorite:

“I know I hurt you, but I’m entitled to forgivenesses!!”

I think he’s the only person on the planet who can’t see how problematic to the point of ridiculousness those statements are.

[This message edited by AintGonnaLose at 5:37 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

BW 39
WH 45
D-day 1/20/2017
6-7 years of emotional disloyalty, 3 years of SA online behavior and A seeking. So far we suck at R.

—I consider it a challenge before the whole human race

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2020
id 8587536
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:57 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

Rad bump GMC. This is a good thread for BSs to understand the phases their WS is likely to go through. I think my WW is still "getting it", to some extent is trying to "fix it". She hasn't really owned it yet.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2598   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8587544
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 10:54 PM on Thursday, January 14th, 2021

Bumped for t999.

Me: WS (62)Him: Shards (57)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2566   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8625313
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 7:43 PM on Wednesday, April 7th, 2021

Bumped for MyandI.

Me: WS (62)Him: Shards (57)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2566   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8648674
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 10:55 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Bump

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8669226
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bonitabellows ( new member #77250) posted at 11:47 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Thank you, DaddyDom. Very helpful post.

Me: BS 65 yrs old. SAWH is 61. Dday Dec 15 2020.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8670720
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:46 AM on Monday, October 18th, 2021

Bump

posts: 10033   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8693787
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 2:18 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Bumping this up for some of our newbies.

Me: WS (62)Him: Shards (57)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2566   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8749830
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 7:53 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Bumped by request. smile

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2038   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8782508
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 11:14 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Thanks to all who keep bumping this. BS here, 2 weeks shy of d-day plus 2 years. I don’t think my wife has gotten past step 1. I was told by someone on here a while ago that "hope" isn’t a strategy. But I love that girl so much I think I’ll tuff it out for a while longer until she does, or becomes the straw that breaks the camels back. I guess I need to show her this thread so she can read it all.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 11:14 PM, Thursday, March 16th]

posts: 212   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8782530
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 DaddyDom (original poster member #56960) posted at 1:51 AM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

Copingmybest

FWIW, my wife has always said that "People don't change until they are forced to". How that looks is going to be different for each person. The bottom line however is this... is she doing the work? Any work? Have you seen any progress that even gives you hope that she's going to "get it" or die trying? Because if she is not, then you need to be insisting on it. Otherwise, the message she is getting from you is that you'll stay and accept her at her current broken state. And that's not a message that is going to encourage someone to change. It is also not a safe state for you. If she has not changed, then she's still the same person that cheated before.

I'm not saying you need to threaten D, like I said, it's different for everyone. But there do need to be consequences, and more importantly, changes. Let her know that. Tell her that if she makes the effort to grow as an individual, then you work on growing the relationship together. And if she chooses not to, then you can work on growing apart instead.

Has she ever visited this forum? Would you consider it?

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1434   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8782548
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 7:23 AM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

Dom,
A year ago I did show her the sticky on what every wayward needs to know. She did read it, said it was very good, but it didn't have the effect of moving her toward change. A couple months ago I did finally tell her that I didn't feel she was doing enough to foster the relationship and that I had begun to consider that maybe we should separate. That was a bad night for the both of us, but it sparked something in her. She recently told me she has started listening to podcasts about infidelity. At the time she admitted this the one she listened to dealt with resentment on the BS part. I acknowledged to her that it was an accurate podcast as I had begun down the path of resentment. Just tonight she told me that her most recent was dealing with the WS trying to put themselves in the shoes of the BS and what they are dealing with. I have been thinking of suggesting to her to visit this site to just at least read the WS section, but honestly I feel that reading the just found out section might get her to realize the effect an affair truly can have on the BS. I am seeing her move in the right direction, be it ever so slowly though.

posts: 212   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8782568
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LostAndHoping ( new member #80549) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

Gosh I didn’t even know I needed to read this today but I did! I came her to post an update about my situation l, saw your title and read your post. Thank you so much for this wonderfully thoughtful post! I know it’s quite an old post but it’s really hot home with me. I agree with everything you wrote. I find myself right now in the "owning it" stage and going back to the "getting it" stage. I’m still not sure if we’ll end up back together or not but knowing that someone else has gone through this makes me feel better about my own journey.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8782748
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 6:44 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

Looking forward to reading that update. smile

WW/BW

posts: 3625   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8782758
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RecklessForgiver ( member #82891) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, March 21st, 2023

DaddyDom,

I am a BW, but I found this post and the thread that followed helped me see the process my WH is facing, and I would like to share it with him. He’s not on this site, but I sometimes cut and paste things to share. Thank you for the thoughtfulness and insight.

RecklessForgiver

posts: 94   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Midwest
id 8783281
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 1:27 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2023

Bumping because I think this post contains timeless wisdom for any wayward working to heal from infidelity.

The path is challenging. The work is 1000% worth it.

Encouragement to all who find themselves here from this EvolvingSoul.

Me: WS (62)Him: Shards (57)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2566   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8814021
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Joel1025 ( new member #83634) posted at 12:40 AM on Sunday, November 5th, 2023

Wow! I really need to see this post today.

I find myself in the "Getting it" to the "Owning it" stages very much right now. "The fog" is certainly something that I was in for a very long time as well. I know when it cleared in my mind recently I could not believe how badly I had been treating everyone in my life.

Thanks for posting this all those years ago and thanks for bumping it today.

Me: WH (51)BS (54)Serial Cheater with the same AP over the past 17 years. PA/EA ('06) D Day ('08). EA/PA for 6 months (Dec '22 through Jul '23). D Day March, June, July, October '23. NC with AP since 10/14/23.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: Houston, TX
id 8814059
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Copec ( new member #79885) posted at 4:29 PM on Sunday, November 19th, 2023

This is so good, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and bringing this together. This all makes sense and is so true. I am a WS first and foremost and a madhatter, but don't focus on that part. I think the part I struggle with is that my betrayed husband won't go to individual therapy, he says he "has spoken to someone" but won't tell me because I have no right to know. The hurt and pain I have caused is devastating and it makes complete sense he wants to keep things from me as I don't deserve all of him. I am at the point where I can listen and take on the anger and insults and the things he thinks of himself being a betrayed spouse. He thinks he is weak and a loser and he doesn't respect me and shouldn't have married me etc. I agree with all of that but the part that hurts most is that he thinks so poorly of himself and continues to feed into that narrative. These are issues/thoughts he's had for a long time and I proved them right by my actions. Unfortunately, I can't change that for him. He has to want to and be willing to heal that part for himself. So I sit and listen and let him be destructive to himself. I have tried to talk to him about going to individual therapy but I have no right to do so, he has to want to do it. So that's where we are. Every time he is in a dark place I listen, give myself a couple days to feel it and cry and wonder when he will be interested in beginning the healing process. I hope that each time I am able to listen and not be defensive is one step forward. We have some good times and have intimacy in our relationship when he is up to it. Not just sex, but cuddling and touching. All good things. So much confusion and so much to say, but don't know how to say it. Thanks again for your post.

WS/mad hatter-2+ years post DDay.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2022
id 8815717
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 2:22 AM on Saturday, January 6th, 2024

Bump. It's just such a great post.

Strength and healing to my fellow WS from this still EvolvingSoul.

Me: WS (62)Him: Shards (57)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2566   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8820482
Topic is Sleeping.
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