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Admitting it vs. Getting it vs. Owning it vs. Living it

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GaynorGal posted 5/22/2019 12:19 PM

Pippin posted 5/22/2019 14:38 PM

GaynorGal and DaddyDom, this is just such a wonderful little SI story. I'm so glad you made it public. Best wishes to each of you.

[This message edited by Pippin at 2:38 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 6/8/2019 12:57 PM


godheals posted 6/20/2019 10:52 AM

Bumped for TCarp

EvolvingSoul posted 7/10/2019 20:19 PM


Hutch posted 7/16/2019 15:30 PM

Iím struggling with the admitting it part. Itís been five months since my affair and I have not told my husband. I am in IC. Did you tell your spouse immediately?

DaddyDom posted 7/16/2019 16:25 PM


I did not tell my wife, she found out by going through my email when she was suspecting what was going on. In retrospect, I wish I had told her. The very act of disclosing your affair at least implies that, although you did something wrong, at least you are now "owning up to it" and showing some remorse and a desire to "do the right thing". When you are caught in a lie however, even if you've already cut things off with the OP, it only shows your spouse that you are STILL a liar and betrayer.

Trust me, disclosure, whether intended or not, is hard and painful, no doubt.

Truth be told however, this topic is more about YOU then your spouse or your relationship. Disclosure is the first step in determining who you are, and what kind of person you are going to be, moving forward. RIght now, like all cheaters, you are a liar, a betrayer, someone who cared more about themselves and their own needs than the needs of the people in their life. The first step in becoming a better person is to think and act like a better person. DO you want to be someone honest, loyal, and empathetic towards others? Well, that kind of person would tell their spouse what happened, and in doing so, give their spouse back their agency, their choice, and the truth upon which to base their own choices.

There is no "good way" or "good time" to disclose. It's a matter of getting up the courage and ripping the band-aid off. Have you posted in Wayward about this? Maybe others can offer some solid advice?

gmc94 posted 8/2/2019 12:45 PM

Bumped for LifeDestroyer

EvolvingSoul posted 8/15/2019 19:35 PM

Another bump.

ItsWorthIt posted 8/16/2019 14:43 PM


This is such a wonderful post. I can read much about my past decade in here.

Using your descriptions, I like to think that I'm Living it. And from the way I see my life with my BP, as i Live it, each of the other phases are also semi-regular visitors to my mind, heart and mission. Sometimes those visits can be a several times a week, other times just a couple of times a month, but they do still visit. By visit, I mean that they become part of my activity and thoughts as I Live it.

I believe that still being a participant in each phase while Living it continues to foster self-discovery in me and continues to reaffirm my and my husband's love, devotion and dedication to always moving in a positive and impactful direction in our life together forever.

Thank you for your wonderful observations and their initiation of continued discussion on the topic.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/16/2019 22:43 PM

Another bump. This a terrific post especially if you're on the early part of the healing path.

Iamtrash posted 10/17/2019 06:38 AM

I feel like I cycle through some of these. (Mainly falling back to the depression piece, then working my way back to a better place in the cycle. I donít resort to the stages of still trying to own and accept what I did.)

Thatís something that is particularly challenging for me. I feel like I cycle through my feelings and thoughts. At the same time, my BH is also cycling through his own stages of grief and pain. Itís very hard to balance his cycling and my own cycling. Sometimes I feel like I fail the most when weíre both cycling at the same time. I do better when Iím at a stable place in how Iím feeling that day. When I cycle back to depression, I find it near impossible to help him through his own anger, sadness, depression. I need to continue to find ways to help us both when weíre in a bad place.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 10/17/2019 09:09 AM

Thanks for bumping this up.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/29/2019 21:03 PM

Another bump.

Broken4good posted 11/6/2019 09:32 AM

Thank you for this, as a newbie, sort of, I find this a helpful timeline to work through.

wantstorepair posted 11/17/2019 10:10 AM

I have not made it through Admitting It. I lie to myself and BS and make my shame, ego, and cowardice more important than BSís feeling and deserved need for the truth. How did you get through this phase? Other WSs, how did you get through this for your BS?

gmc94 posted 8/23/2020 10:41 AM

Bumped for Rose2206

MC64 posted 8/24/2020 11:42 AM

This is a great read and am glad its been bumped!
Thank you

Rose2206 posted 8/29/2020 09:14 AM

Thank You gmc94 for pointing this out to me and DaddyDom for all of your wise and honest words!

this post made me tear up while reading. All of it is so true. I can see myself in so many things you've described in this post and comments.
I've been struggling to find answers while trying to survive shame every day. While feeling hate towards myself and the loss of the relationship with my BS. In the first weeks, I tried to do everything at once. In absolute panic and then self destructive mode. Then I started to become defensive (falling back into the selfishness). Now I am at a state where everything just seems still inside while a storm is going on outside. My inside is still. It is hard to describe.
I see what I have done without defending it anymore, this does not change how much I hate it and my disgust towards myself for it. I am accepting that my BS needs NC for himself to heal and that R is very unlikely. I do wish for it. But truly, I just wish him to heal so he can be happy again. In regards to myself, I am still shocked that I did not realize all this prior to the affair. My reasons WHY and HOW are very similar to yours in regards to not feeling any self worth.. I appreciate your comparison to russian dolls to uncover different layers of the WHY and HOW. This was something I needed to hear as I have been trying so hard to figure out the deeper reasons why in such a fast pace..I have to slow down.
The factor of focusing on one thing first in order to become better stood out to me. I am working on my own self worth. I see this as the root cause of my 'why' which was also confirmed by my IC. Also, without self worth, I could never overcome shame. Self destruction/ hate. AND most of all I could not move forward. Not on the right path. And IF my BS would want R - without any self worth, that would NOT be possibly. Therefore, I must continue the work to find my self worth and continue to dig deeper over time. One layer after another.
Could you share your thoughts about this with me?
Most of all I hate that I've been so selfish. That for weeks/ months my goal was R. When all I did with that is to put pressure on my BS. I blamed the AP instead of looking deep into myself. I have done so many things wrong and wish I could turn back time. But the truth is. I am beginning to like who I am becoming. This person that thinks critically before taking action or responding. To act vs. react. To give vs. receive. It is going to be a long road that I will have to walk alone. But I am determined to walk it.
Thank you again for sharing your wisdom and experience. It is much appreciated and helped me already to get through today and I am certain I will reread it many times in the future!

wantstorepair posted 9/13/2020 11:07 AM

DaddyDom thank you again for your wisdom and insight. I think between your post and followups, Rootís excellent perspective of stages of grief, and everyoneís meaningful feedback I feel wiser and with a more clear perspective and reading this again and again need to stay grounded in this sort of wisdom and focus.

Things are awful with my BS who is hurting more than I can can comprehend, and my ability to hurt her far outpaces my ability to help her the way she deserves and needs. DaddyDom I feel so much like you do and the way you describe it perfectly articulates how I feel. Thank you.

[This message edited by wantstorepair at 11:57 AM, September 13th (Sunday)]

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