SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Seriously, this specific betrayal is bonkers. I haven't even registered how violating this is.

Long story short--my wife had multiple affairs, the most recent one discovered in December. I found out when she was 7 months pregnant. We have a 4 month old daughter now, and P-tests (and the look test) indicate she is 100% mine.

In my intro post back in December I got a lot of advice to leave. I didn't take that advice, though I remain uncommitted. I really want to see my daughter grow up, and now that I've been there for the first few months of her life, I'm debating whether now is the time to commit or leave.

Anyway. I THOUGHT everything was out of the bag regarding this last affair... which, for the duration of her pregnancy, consisted of oral sex and a bunch of sexting. OM didn't want to sleep with a pregnant woman (but everything else was fine ). Turns out there were 2 specific details she didn't reveal at first... 1, OM took a few videos of her in the act. That in itself is awful, and there is no telling where those videos ended up. It makes the mind movies 1000% worse, for some reason.

But here is the kicker, the grand finale. Because they weren't sleeping together, OM really wanted to see and imagine her sleeping with him... over the course of their affair, WW revealed that she and I had made a few videos of our own in the past... so, she sent him some sections of OUR OWN HOME VIDEOS. Including: OUR HONEYMOON VIDEO FROM 10 YEARS AGO.

Now, regardless of whether or not anyone thinks it's smart to take videos (even with your spouse), this violation feels incredibly personal and horrifying. I'm shocked by how heartless it is. It means she was watching me on screen and thinking "ok, I'll send OM this video of my husband and I." There is no way to use the "I wasn't thinking" defense because she is literally staring at me as she makes the decision.

I found out this last detail yesterday, and I don't even know how to start processing it yet. I feel dirty, and immediately felt compelled to shower. Almost as if I had been raped--I don't want to minimize rape victims, I'm sorry. But the personal violation of HIM looking at ME and HER against my will is utterly vile and reprehensible to me. I can't believe she pulled ME into her affair.

But, our honeymoon video--from 2007, we were just young 'uns. Seriously? I feel like she managed to go back in time and cheat in our PAST also. Is nothing sacred to this woman? Clearly not...

In any case, yeah. I don't know where else to turn to vent, I'm just flabbergasted at this, and I'm guessing nobody has experienced anything quite like this.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 9:42 AM, August 4th (Friday)]

Well, that's pretty sick and disgusting.

Hard to leave with such an infant there. Maybe wait until she is weaned. Is your WW interested in R?

OK...I reacted two different ways to this...as a BS and as a woman. As a woman I could understand wanting to present the most flattering material of myself. And I could kind of imagine if she was in the midst of her affair and clearly already in a selfish mindset....that her only thought was sending the most appealing version of herself. When you're pregnant, you don't feel attractive, at least most don't. I'm sorry if thats insensitive....that is just my feeling from female standpoint. Even now the only pics my husband has of me are from when I was 25ish (1 kid and 50lbs ago)

From the standpoint of a BS, I would feel violated as you do. You were violated, 100%. It definitely makes the A even more personal...if that was even possible. But, in the midst of that fog...and trying to put her most attractive self forward as we all do when in a relationship......I could see that she very well did not even consider you. When she looked at that video....she didn't even see you. She was looking herself...the angles, the lighting.....she was thinking about how SHE would look in the video to HIM.

If you have a solid R going, I don't know that I would let this be the deal breaker. But, it's also easy to say when I am not in you specific shoes. But her mind was probably more occupied with vanity that how much she was amplifying the betrayal. Don't know if that is worse or not.

p.s. It won't get easier as the kid gets older. Can you imagine leaving and your child saying "Daddy, why are you going to live somewhere else?" I'm not saying stay because you have a child....but just don't expect it to get easier/

[This message edited by jaded83 at 10:11 AM, August 4th (Friday)]

Oh my. I am so sorry.

My WH posted at least one nude pic of me on an amateur porn site. It's been a couple of years since I found out and it still makes me feel so violated and vulnerable. I still causes me to have that shrinking feeling where I want to curl into a ball and hide.

I am so sorry that your wife could violate your body like that. It's horrible.

thatbpguy: WW is indeed interested in R. She's been going to SLAA weekly and has been basically confirmed as some kind of love/relationship addict. She's been going to IC and has been truly bending over backwards to make this work.

But yeah, multiple affairs over 10 years is not something I'm excited about working through... unfortunately the alternative is leaving my infant daughter. Not an easy place to be.

Jaded: This is good insight. She has always been vain... if I'm being blunt. She's a performer--she made her living as a musician until recently, is quite attractive, and also has major self esteem issues from spending all her time in the spotlight. Being pregnant, in itself, was a trigger for her that all of the sudden she wasn't the same attractive young woman she thought (even though she hardly gained any weight and handled pregnancy like a champ, otherwise). It makes sense that she would send him a video of her 20 year old self who had been exercising frequently and was in tip-top shape.

But still, hoo boy. Sending out our most intimate moments? From the days after we were just married? I told her I might as well have gone and cheated with him MYSELF. That's how it feels.

Sadie: Sorry you had to endure that also... and yes, I cringe when I think about a buddy of mine sending me a message some time in the future saying "hey is this video I found online you?!". It feels like sharing a video does an extra form of lasting damage and adds an element of permanent uncertainty to the future.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 10:21 AM, August 4th (Friday)]

My gut reaction was just shock and rage but jaded makes some very very good points. In fact looking back, when I was pregnant I had a tendency to change my Facebook profile picture to something from my past, including once a picture of me as a teenager with a kid I hadn't even spoken to in years. I just liked the way I looked in that picture and didn't really care that he happened to be in it.

It sounds like your wife really WASN'T thinking. Not that that makes this okay in any capacity. She is the worst, there is no debating that. She's an adult and it's her job to turn her brain on and figure out how it would make YOU feel when she showed that video to someone else. People having affairs are so bloody selfish and disgusting. They can convince themselves that up is down if it suits their purposes.

During my WHs affair, his AP sent him an explicit photo she received from another woman, in addition to photos of herself. When he told me this I was stunned, and I asked how he could possibly have trusted someone he KNEW had forwarded a photo that was sent to her in confidence?? He blanched and said he hadn't ever thought about it that way. It was obvious he really HADN'T and that that fact scared him. They're complete idiots. She completely violated your trust, and no one would blame you if that was more than you could bear. She had no right.

TW, I got nothin' here. What can you say to that?

I guess just take the attitude if some schumck wants to wants to see my hairy ass in the middle of wild monkey sex humping my wife, he's got bigger issues then I've got time to worry about.

Attitude

That would bother me also. I would feel violated.

There has been at least one other that has also been violated. I am pretty sure a BW's WH posted nude pics of her on a porn site.

I don't understand it as a woman. Disgusting to break that intimacy you had in the past. Don't ever let her use that "I wasn't thinking" line. They were always thinking. They were thinking more than they ever had. It is common sense. Their minds had to have been turning more than normal to juggle two relationships and keep them hidden. That is the opposite of "not thinking". Giving in to inhibitions doesn't mean they are not thinking. It just means she was more entitled and selfish. And willing to do anything for her high and get attention from the OM. She was willing to do anything to be seen as a desirable vixen by him. She "thought" of ways to become that and fill that.

I guess it depends upon the woman, but I felt the best about myself and body when I was pregnant. I felt like a Queen. Here I was carrying around a beautiful gift and my husband's baby. I felt like Mother-Earth. I glowed with pregnancy. Nurturer. Fertile. It was beautiful. Then again, I am self confident and not vain like your wife. But, it doesn't matter. It is a reason and not an excuse for her actions. Jaded83 perspective will help you to understand it. For your wife, it is all about vanity. So sorry.

I am so sorry. I also have some uniquely painful infidelity burners.

The worst betrayal is the one that happens to you.

You have been heard. Vent away!

Damn.

I not even sure how you'd come back from something like that. SLAA issues aside that was a very deep betrayal.

I will point out that liars and especially cheaters that have this little disregard for their spouse would lie again if it benefited them slightly.

Are you sure # 2 is yours ? Find out. Demand proof.

Sorry maybe I just skeptical, but no sex ? I don't buy that for a second.

What has she offered to do to repair the damage she did to the M? Can she even offer a reasonable expectation of why she would do that ? Jesus it is clear she did not value your M when she did that. What makes you think she does now ?

What work is she doing beyond going to a support group ? She has severe issues that need to be addressed before she could be any kind of an R candidate.

How long are you willing to wait knowing that relapses from addictions are very common in recovery ?

Please for your sake and that of your children tread carefully and be wary of anything she offers or says.

How violating (agreed...) I'm sorry

No one has mentioned, this is a huge view of the OM's character, etc. The "evil meter" is screaming on this one. How sick? I mean generally speaking, if you "love" or "care" for someone the LAST thing you would want to see would be their intimate moments with someone else.

If this doesn't show her that he ONLY cared about her for her genitals, nothing will.

hopefulmother I guess instead of saying I understand it from a woman's perspective, rather I understand it from the perspective of someone who deals with self-esteem issues. Even when I was younger and in awesome shape I had low self-esteem....so TW's wife's actions just sounded familiar to me....in the sense of sending your most attractive material. Plus, this guy didn't want to have sex with her while pregnant....whatever he said his reasons were, I could guarantee that it made her feels less attractive to him....so, shed have even more motivation to send her honeymoon video. The whole thing is heartbreaking, but like I said, I wouldn't let it be the deal breaker if other things are progressing well.

TwiceWounded.I am also deal with a spouse who id a serial cheater, although my situation is quite a bit different than yours. I know progress can still seem suspicious and temporary. I have no insight there......my stuff is still a hot mess.

(((TwiceWounded))) I'm sorry you are here and I'm sorry your WS shared a very intimate part of your life with her OM. There just is no shame to some of these WS's my WH is a sick fuck too!

There is no way I could stay with her. I think for me that would be to hurtful. It is like erasing the entire marriage. If you do reconcile and that is what you want to do I wish the best for you. I think with what you said about her addiction the only way I would reconcile is for her to sign a post nup. There would be some other financial considerations in place to. She would know the next time she cheated that it would cost her in multiple ways. I think cheaters use words like fast food. What ever fixes that craving for that moment works. The only way I would consider staying is if she has something serious she was willing to lose. Like the house. Custody of the kids. Maybe even get a job and deposit her checks into a account she will never get access to. Each paycheck she would deposit it would be a reminder of just how invested she would be in this relationship. Not a relationship with someone else.

I am of course slightly jaded but I have been through this three times and each of those times were extremely more horrific than the last.

Good luck.

@numb: Yes, I am positive my daughter is mine. Paid out the nose for a prenatal test that was positive, and she looks exactly like me. I'm confident she's mine. I was long skeptical of the "no sex" thing, but many of the reasons I've heard add up, and to be honest--at this point I've had to accept I'll never know for sure. In some ways it doesn't matter. The scope of the betrayals are bad enough I don't care whether they stopped at 3.8th base or scored, in addition to all the other extracurricular activities like the videos.

She is going to SLAA, has a sponsor, and is working through the 12 step SA program. She attends counseling every week, and has talked about phoning in to more regular SLAA/SA meetings. She quit both of the bands she was in (as someone who spent the better part of a decade touring, getting paid, and getting showered with attention, this is a big step). She has said she would do anything to keep our family together, even if it means quitting everything and being a stay-at-home-mom forever. Just to stay with me and try to repair this.

Obviously it could be the fast food approach, I know that--whatever works to get her fix now. And obviously I know relapse is a possibility. I don't even know whether I'm staying or not. I gave myself a 6 month timeframe to enjoy my newborn daughter and see what happened, and I'm sitting at month 4 now...

This is indeed a really, really deep betrayal that makes me feel like she managed to go back in time to cheat on me as a newlywed. And violate not just our wedding vows, but violate ME in a very personal, twisted way. It's sick. And yes, OM is an evil, selfish person, and wanting to see her having her most intimate moments with ANYONE definitely shows that he didn't care about her at all--just wanted to get his jollies off. But I knew that already.

Before I found out about this latest betrayal, I was leaning towards R. Now I am not so sure. This betrayal might be too deep.

Of course, leaving means I get to see my infant daughter half-time... at best. And I'm not in a great place to be a single, working dad for the time I DO get her. I hate this.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 12:31 PM, August 4th (Friday)]

Twice, it's very unfair that you have to make this choice but the alternative is signing up for a marriage where the risk is very high, your not having your needs met, and it will impact your daughter and how she views marriage in the long run when she's old enough to start observing you two. Your WW's idea that she can just quit and be a SAHM forever is completely unrealistic given her life before. That's like someone who smoked for decades quitting cold turkey. A relapse months or even years down the road is very likely. There's no way that she will settle for that kind of life in the long run. Take the time that you need now to raise your daughter while coparenting would be very difficult but keep in mind that this cannot go on as it is forever.

TwiceWounded,

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife, your child and the video.

Beyond what others have already written, I have no other words of advice for you.

My only hope it that the videos don't end up on the internet.

Sending you peace and strength.

Walking with you.

I would think that sending those videos was a crime. Many states have laws regarding privacy, revenge porn etc.The AP sounds sadistic and your WW the same by complying.

I hate to see stories like this where a parent has put their unborn baby at such risk by cheating while pregnant or if WH while wife was pregnant. It would be difficult to protect your child from a mother like that without getting full custody or staying married to have some semblance of control over your baby's welfare.

This is a very tough spot for you to be in.

[This message edited by whattheh at 1:24 PM, August 4th (Friday)]

On the other hand, there is literally nothing you can ever do in the context of the marriage that will be worse than that.

That's a handy chip to keep in your back pocket.

(I'm being facetious. It buys you nothing. Once the smoke clears on an A and a WS is back "on board" and a player at the "fair is fair, same rules for everybody" table again, all of the shit you had to eat gets miraculously forgotten. The only person who remembers all of that shit is you, and you're supposed to take it to IC rather than grey-skying their day with it.)