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Wow TwiceWounded, just Wow. That is taking things to a whole other level, sick, and I'm so sorry for you. My WW sent the OM a video of her that I took with her using a very expensive and personal toy. It really pisses me off that he has that (I'm sure he still has the video). I deleted any videos we had made for the duration of her A. It makes me sick to watch them knowing what she was doing.

Is she going to IC? Does the groups she go to now, deal with just wanting sex or does it also deal with her vanity tied to being promiscuous to get attention filling an ego and vanity void. I had a girlfriend back in middle school that sounds like your wife. She needed a lot of IC. She got pregnant at 13 with her Japanese tutor. It wasn't that she was a sex addict. It was that she was a Lolita. Just heartbreaking. At 15 she skipped into Mexico with a youth group leader. She just craved male attention. It really wasn't about the sex, so she told me. You just wanted every male to want her.

@What, you are correct, this is an awful spot to be in. The only way I can really have much say in the welfare of my daughter is by staying--it is very unlikely that I would get full custody. And I'm unsure I could handle full custody by myself, without much family nearby.

And yes, whether or not sharing a video like this is a crime is a current subject of debate. People have been sued (and won!) for videos being posted of them, but I'm not sure the simple share is a crime. Either way, it is very, very foul and despicable. It shows how low she was willing to go to please this loser.

I had a meeting with my IC today. And he basically said not to make any rash decisions, and being in shock after an exposure like this is normal... and I'm definitely in shock. This feels like a completely different kind of betrayal than the affair itself, and seriously complicates the emotions and recovery, let alone reconciliation.

It is hard to imagine much worse that she could do.

For now, I guess I take some time, try to work through this emotions and figure out what I'm feeling. There is no "place" in my head for this to go. My mental file cabinet has no folder to put this in, even though I have a fully stuffed folder labeled "affair stuff." This betrayal, this violation, is unfathomable.

If someone posted that kind of video of me I would do EVERYTHING in my power to see that they ended up in prison. And I am dead serious.

Multiple affairs. Serial Cheater. Exposes her unborn child to potential STD. And sends intimate videos of you to her lover.

She sounds like a delight.

Think hard about spending the rest of your life with someone who has to white knuckle it to stop those types of behavior.

And I understand you don't want to be a part-time Dad but try to figure out whether you're going to stay or go sooner rather than later especially since your child is so young with another on the way.

If you do split there's no reason you can't co-parent with your wife. And your children are young enough to the point where if you guys do wind up splitting sooner rather than later, they won't have to remember it. It will just be their normal.

But if you decide 5 or 6 years from now if she relapses again that you can't handle it then that probably will affect them.

Better for children to grow up in 2 separate stable homes or at least 1 stable home than 1 home filled with mistrust, resentments, and infidelity. Think of the kind of example you and your wife will be setting for your children if she can't get her shit together and they have to grow up seeing that. And children are a hell of a lot more perceptive than parents give them credit for.

As opposed to maybe seeing at least 1 of their parents in a stable healthy relationship and knowing what that's like (that would be you if you move on).

Again I'm not saying you have to split, but I'd prioritize your kids childhood/stability over your desire to be there full time.

Being in a single household doesn't guarantee a happy home or stability for the kids. Especially with what you and your wife are dealing with. So many parents seem to assume that if they simply all stay in the same house that it's in the best interest for the kids. That's not always the case.

Hi everyone--I think I miscommunicated. I only have one child, not another on the way.

My wife was 7 months pregnant in December, when I found out about the affair she'd had for most of her pregnancy... that child is now born, and is my only daughter, aged 4 months.

@hopeful it's funny you mention your friend years ago, who was all about the attention. WW first described this as some kind of "addiction to attention" which a counselor, and SLAA, basically just said is sex addiction. Lots of sex addicts aren't in it for the sex. They are in it for the validation, attention, and their deep need to feel wanted. That is my wife.

Anyhow. The final twist in this saga is WW's current IC has said she's likely borderline, or has borderline tendencies. Yay. She's high functioning and has learned to handle most of her BPD episodes, but early in our marriage she was a handful, to say the least. My IC says I likely have PTSD from those early years.

Back to the topic at hand--of course, everyone is right about me deciding whether or not I can stay with someone who needs to white-knuckle it to avoid this behavior, and how separating may be better for our daughter in the long run. I understand. I wonder whether staying is worth it, or best. She has a sponsor, is embedded in a 12 step program, going to weekly IC, and we are going to MC as well. I see that she WANTS to change, and has taken to talking about the "old her" and the "new her." But it will take a LONG time before I am hopeful or able to commit. I just don't know right now.

God man. Multiple affairs, physical abuse, blowing a guy throughout her pregnancy, and now this?

And you actually are thinking of R?

Guy, there comes a time to pull the ripcord. If this doesn't get you there, what will?

This woman is monstrously messed up. Your child will be much better off with one sane parent than a loon and a fall guy. Cmon. You KNOW it's just a matter of time and she will have another dick in her life.

It's time. Seriously, it's time.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 10:37 PM, August 4th (Friday)]

I don't know if I'm thinking of R or not. I'm not making any decisions yet, after this last revelation. This is rock bottom.

She is an addict, and says she is committed to recovery. When I think of how she showed OUR videos to OM, I picture a heroin addict in a dark corner, shooting up... utterly disconnected from life and disconnected from anything good, any higher power.

I have a 4 month old daughter to think about, and whom I want to be able to see grow up and spend time with.

As my IC said yesterday, "this complicates things. A lot." This being the stuff about the videos, that is what I found out about a few days ago... the last piece of the puzzle. It's complicated.

So today, I'm just grappling with the feelings of being horrifically violated. I'm not making decisions or thinking of the future, I am trying to get through today without breaking anything, pounding on OM's door and smashing his phone, or packing up and hauling off across the country.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 1:59 PM, August 5th (Saturday)]

Made it through another day, but the reality of how awful this video garbage is.

It's one thing to make videos of her and OM (it was his idea, not hers, but still).... that's agonizing in itself, knowing this asshole has videos of him and her. Who would want video proof of their cheating, BTW--that is just flat out stupid, on top of he obvious agony it creates for BS.

But the videos... of us?? How twisted is that? Including our honeymoon video, which basically destroys any semblance of anything sacred we had from BEFORE her first affair in 2010/2011. It's incomprehensible. I am definitely still in shock, but this is an angry day.

We have MC tomorrow. MC has been pretty grounded, so I'll be interested to see what she says about this.

I'm not blowing this out of proportion, right? Sending OM videos of us is really, incredibly vile and twisted right? I feel like I'm going crazy and don't even know which way is up today.

Stick around long enough and you will hear worse, but yeah, that's still pretty bad. You have a right to every ounce of your disgust and outrage. Staying may kill your soul over time. Think long and hard before making that decision.

Of course, leaving means I get to see my infant daughter half-time... at best.

How do you know this? Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Going for some lawyer consults can give you useful information on what S or D would look like for you. There may be lawyers in your area who give free initial consultations.

Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean that you WILL D, it is just gathering information. It is important to protect yourself. Today your WW is falling all over herself to stay with you. Who knows how she will feel tomorrow? Next week? Next month?? I mean, she did promise to forsake all others, right? What happened to that?

I am so very sorry for your pain, this is a disgusting level of betrayal. And I do equate sharing a private video of you with sexual assault (and fyi I have been raped). It's just like someone took video of you with a hidden camera without your consent. You did not consent for this video to be shared.

She is SERIOUSLY fucked up, whatever label ends up getting put on it.

((((TwiceWounded))))

There is an entire porn industry based on men sharing pics and videos of their wives. I don't know how often it is done without permission but I expect a lot.

If I read your stories right, you gave her another couple of chances, and she repaid your trust by having months of sex with creepy om. Then she makes and sends vids.

So here is the thing. The video thing is usually something for men to have self sex when the partner is not around. She has to know that. It is one thing for her to make films with him, but quite another for her to send her own. My guess is that it was because she was showing herself off and you were incidental.

What this means is 1) she knew that he will use her films to get himself off. 2) she knew that there was a risk in them getting out in the world. 3) she didn't care. 4) she was filling some deep void in herself by this submissive behavior. 5) she put you last in this virtual 3 way. 6) she is out of control in her path of self destruction.

If she is as good looking as you say, there is a very high chance these vids could surface. Probably not for a while, but anywhere any time, even when your infant is an adult.

So, what to do? I think you should contact the police. There may be a crime here. For the om to have them may be some form of video voyeurism. It also may be invasion of privacy. You might want to see a lawyer about this. This is not to get revenge so much as a way to get the tapes destroyed.

In any event, you have a child to raise. It needs sanity. It needs stability. That is not your wife.

I agree with you. This is the absolute most horrible type of betrayal I have ever heard of.

Your wife should NOT have done this to you. I cannot imagine how horrifying this is for you.

Damn. Damn.

I've read some rough things throughout my ride on this whole trip, and I thought I'd seen the worst. Damn. This is the most vile thing I've read about in my couple of years of learning about infidelity.

First of all, don't feel bad about the rape comparison. Though not physical, this is a rape of your soul. Damn.

This is coming from a guy who has stayed through some shit that he never thought he would. I couldn't get past this. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just know that I've had one foot out the door for much less.

Cheating is a violation of marriage, of trust. This is a violation of your very self. Giving another man her body is no where near as bad as this. She sold you for her own benefit.

SHE USED YOU AS CURRENCY. This man has possession of your most intimate self, free to do whatever he pleases with it. I couldn't forgive that, under any circumstance.

I'm not 100%, but I'm pretty sure this is criminal. I've tried to move past what I thought was some heinous shit. I'd have to scorch the earth over this one.

I'm not blowing this out of proportion, right? Sending OM videos of us is really, incredibly vile and twisted right? I feel like I'm going crazy and don't even know which way is up today.

No, you are not blowing it out of proportion. I am a really humble modest women...something like this would be a deal breaker for me. I do my best to have empathy and compassion for women like your wife, but it is hard. Women like your wife is the type of OW my husband chose. Women that are willing to destroy anything to just get some attention. To behave and act anyway. Serial cheating, like my husband's OW. Do you think she is capable of changing? You said you have been working through her weaknesses since the beginning of the marriage, do you think you can handle more disappointment? Are you able to handle being treated with such disrespect for the opportunity to be in your daughters life full time? Is that the main reason for staying? Your life can slip away and your daughter be full grown, then you are left with a woman you are still hoping would change after your daughter leaves the nest. Can you foresee if that will be worth it for you?

Ok. I agree, it's a heinous form of betrayal. I do feel like I was an unwilling participant in a 3 way, or raped. I feel disgusting. I can't shower enough to make myself feel clean.

@longsadstory, you are right on all 6 counts. And they are all awful. I hate thinking about ALL of them.

I am not supposed to make any decisions while I'm in the early stages of trauma (apparently, what my IC said...) but I really have to say that today I do not want to stay. Even if I have to stay I'll have to deal with the emotional fallout of this, but... not like this. This might be too much.

MC in a few hours. I hate looking forward to anything too much because I get disappointed, but I need something to look forward to and I'm looking forward to MC. I don't know what she can do, but even an opportunity to talk about this without WW getting tired or defensive will help.

I'm struggling just to make it through a few mouths at a time without being overwhelmed with anger or hurt.

I am not supposed to make any decisions while I'm in the early stages of trauma (apparently, what my IC said...)

Bullfuckinshit! If my spouse, beat me, stole from me, choked me, raped me, gambled my money away, etc. there is NO way I'd stick around for this kind of heinous behavior because some dumbass with a degree told me I was traumatized and needed to wait. Wait for what? More abuse and more trauma? FTS. Of course you are traumatized. If you are willing to stay because you want to try and make a relationship work, then that's up to you. But, by the same token, if this is your deal breaker, then listen to your gut. Some things cannot be worked through,and some things "I'm sorry" doesn't make up for or fix.

But let it be your choice.

I see this same ridiculous advice a lot. It's fine if you are unsure, but it's not if your spouse has abused or traumatized you past the point of return. Gave my X husband time to steal the money out of our savings and investments. Wish I hadn't listened to this BS from well meaning family.

I agree with stillivin twice. If you see no hope and kn ow you don't want to try and salvage the M you don't have to do anything.

IC give advice, not orders. You don't have to follow it.

How did MC go ?

Just to be clear, there hasn't been any physical abuse--my WW has never gotten physical. Not really. I'm not 100% sure this video stuff is a dealbreaker for me or not. I think I'm waiting until I'm not so immediately crazy to decide, and that's what the IC was saying... since, prior to the video stuff, I'd decided to try and work through it, I shouldn't necessarily change my mind in an immediate and rash way.

You know, I wish it was that easy to just up and walk away. I think we all know it's tough. I'm sitting here with my 4 month old daughter who is just learning to crawl, and she looks up at me and smiles. If I leave, I am almost guaranteed to miss at least 50% of these moments, and possibly far more (WA is a no-fault divorce state). Of course she needs good role models and healthy parents. If I'm insane, I'm neither. But giving up and walking out literally means I give up at least half my life with my daughter.

As a little extra background--for better or worse--WW had 3 miscarriages over the last 2 years before our daughter was finally born. That might make her affairs more painful, but it also means I was that much more attached to DD.