SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not ready to post in the Divorce/Separation forum, sorry about that. This is also going to ramble. Sorry about that too.

We are not fighting or arguing. My depression is doing better. I had a slightly rough couple of days last week because we reduced my medication, but I increased the dose back to where it was and I am again doing great as far as the depression.

It has been almost a year since D-day. I was in IC for several months... after the depression got under my control, my therapist discharged me because I am doing fine. Half-a-year later... I still agree with that. I do just fine with all of the things that a therapist would want me to do.

MC was a unmitigated disaster, probably because we got the wrong MC. She was the wrong MC because she reached the conclusion that me and/or my depression were the cause of my WW's affair, which is precisely what my WW wanted to hear. The MC further bought into my wife's narrative that I was trying to "control" her, which is something that I think is wrong (note: it seems that a lot of women feel that men with depression are trying to control their wives -- that's a longer discussion for a different day). The MC ended the relationship/therapy after about 4 months because we hadn't made any improvement in her eyes. This is egregious, in my opinion, as it is common for MC (especially after an affair) to take up to two years to take hold (thank you, Shirley Glass for telling me that).

This morning, we were talking. I brought up her affair and how I was afraid of it happening again. She replied that there was no chance of an affair because I was doing much better. I responded... no, YOU are responsible for the affair on your own. She then said "well, yeah, I was insecure."

She does not compliment me, more or less ever. Last week, she said that I smelled nice via text. That is the most recent compliment that I can recall, 6 days ago. I can't recall a compliment prior to that. And believe me, I am looking for those compliments all of the time. It's not that they are going unnoticed. Indeed, when I mention the lack of compliments, she responded by saying that she told me that she enjoyed being held by me. To me, that's not a compliment... that's saying that she's happy -- it's about her, not me.

Last week, in an argument, she said that she had slept with AP three times. I only know of two times. She has since responded that she was just being sarcastic. That's not a funny bit of sarcasm and honestly... I think that she slipped and told me the truth. I'll point out, here, that she has yet to give any indication that she is going to take a polygraph, something that she has promised to do.

Anyway, I think that I am done. My thinking is that, with the depression under control, I can certainly have a happy and enjoyable life on my own. If I stay married, there is a really good chance that she will have another affair... but even if she doesn't, I don't know if I will ever feel happy in this relationship. Simply put, divorce seems like a better option than marriage.

I often say that people can change, but only if they want to change. She does not want to change. Whenever I tell her of the changes that I want to see in her, she defends who she is.

Given her lack of ownership and insights into herself I think you are making the best decision.

How are you feeling now that you told her?

[This message edited by onlytime at 10:27 AM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

cyber (((((hugs)))

k9

Sorry to hear that you need to D, but happy that you have a clear vision of who you are and what you will allow in your life.

Indeed you got the worst MC you could have...a perfect example of why every BS must litmus test an MC on that most basic philosophy...the WS, and only the WS, is responsible for their affair.

I think you should do whatever is best for you. And you are absolutely correct that people only change when they want to change. What was her response?

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 10:29 AM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

That response, though, to your fear that she will cheat again, and making that about how you are doing, is scary as hell.

You have been heard, and it is evident how seriously you have taken this journey. I'm sorry the road seems to have led to D. Strength to you.

I often say that people can change, but only if they want to change. She does not want to change. Whenever I tell her of the changes that I want to see in her, she defends who she is.

I don't know the words to say. When someone announces they are getting a divorce, I guess "I'm sorry" is in order. But I also think that making this decision can give you a sense of relief and a plan going forward. To me, limbo is something I just can't stand.

I have a husband who compliments perhaps to the extreme, and he says it like he means it, not like he is trying to get brownie points with me or something. He seems to think I'm the sexiest woman alive.

But my XH was such a different story. He never complimented me. I used to read things like treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. So I complimented him. It did not work.

Once I even remember asking him why he never complimented me. He said it was because my head would get too big. I guess I would not say having a spouse who does not compliment is, in itself a deal breaker, but combined with the fact they are a cheater who will (maybe) be "faithful" if you live up to some standard she has in mind is ridiculous.

(((barcher144))). I don't really know what to say. I do know that you're right though...you certainly can have a happy and enjoyable life on your own. There must be so much strength that comes from that realization.

Sending strength and positive thoughts to you as you continue your journey of healing.

barcher I am sorry you had to come to this conclusion. I read a lot of your comments and posts and from a reader's POV, it appears as though you DO have your depression under control. Along with that, you certainly seem to have a very clear understanding as to how a remorseful WS should behave.

Judging from this post, it sounds like you have put a lot of thought into your decision and you are well aware of what you want in your life. I wish you peace and strength as you start a new chapter in your life!

I never in a million years thought I'd end up divorced. 4 months ago, I never thought I'd end up divorced. And while my situation blew up big time with no warning, it also resolved very quickly. I confronted, he finally admitted, I made him leave, I went to an attorney and I filed.

While I still struggle mightily with it all and am very sad about a lot of things, the relief of not living with a liar has been amazing. Now my struggle is learning how to find different things to do because all the stresses are gone. I'm a lost soul but a lost soul with a future. I don't know yet what that future is but I'm preparing for the day I find out. Eating healthy, etc. so I can grab it by the tail and ride the ride.

I'm sorry you're at this point but I think you've made a wise choice that will give you a better future.

How are you feeling now that you told her?

Like I am going to cave and stay with her.

Divorce is the right thing to do. It is not what I *want* to do, though.

What was her response?

Not much. She defended herself some more. She has no interest in changing.

I don't know the words to say.

Except for the gender part and the fact that it is dated, I think:

You go girl!

is a pretty decent response.

I have a husband who compliments perhaps to the extreme, and he says it like he means it, not like he is trying to get brownie points with me or something. He seems to think I'm the sexiest woman alive.

This is probably close to me too.

Thank you, everyone, for the support. I'm going to need it.

(((((barcher))))

You have done more than your share of the work here and you deserve some peace. Congrats on finding clarity.

I am sorry to read this, barcher. For me, it's always sad when a couple chooses to divorce, although I completely understand why many choose that option. Even if it's what you believe is best, it still is a sad realization that you've had to make about your marriage and your life.

You are right. It takes two people to successfully R. And both need to be willing to make some necessary changes. If your wife is unwilling to change, she really has not left you much choice. It is sad, too, that she fails to see herself from outside of her defensive bubble. Once that bubble bursts and the truth is revealed to her, things are going to look far different to her, and she is likely to regret that she did not make changes when you gave her the opportunity. But that is not your concern. Your concern is taking care of you, barcher. I wish you well in this new phase of your journey.

Barcher you deserve someone who loves you, someone who makes you feel loved. Someone that makes you happy. Your W does not sound like that person.

You are always helping us here on SI. You have a wonderful sense of humor; you seem really kind and smart and sensitive. The way you describe her your W sounds unappreciative and troubled. She seems emotionally stifled.

One of the symptoms of emotional anorexia is the failure to give compliments. Giving a compliment involves experiencing another's quality, means appreciating the other; the compliment is an expression of serious appreciation and wanting the other to know it. It's a big deal thing. Your W does not sound like a happy, giving, emotionally generous person. Even if she'd never been unfaithful, even if she'd never be again, she may not be the person who can enrich your life.

Barcher, we got here about the same time and enjoy your threads for your perspective for your honesty.

I always got the impression that the past year has been one long Limbo for you, wanting to see the signs of a remorseful wife truly working hard, but always finding setbacks and hitting roadblocks. This latest one, her getting her numbers mixed up or being sarcastic (even worse) is awful. She gave you just enough crumbs, I'm glad I didn't have to deal with that.

Your wife just seems very caught up in her own self. Its hard to work with someone like that. Sometimes the only way to get out of the limbo land of 'am I in R or am I not' is divorce. I wish you luck.

IMO, you've made the right decision. She might not currently be in an affair, she is however very much in the Wayward mindset.

Keep moving out of infidelity.

Strength

Divorce is the right thing to do. It is not what I *want* to do, though.

I think you've made a logical case to yourself for D. Your head is on board, but it's best for your heart and gut to be on board, too. Then you won't be afraid of 'caving.'

And not filing now isn't 'caving,' even if your W doesn't want you to file.

Relax, bro, as much as you can. Keep your head out of this decision for a while. Let your heart and gut work on this. Emotions beat logic almost every time anyway.

((barcher))

You have to do what's best for you, and you can walk away knowing you did everything you could. You earned your way out of this marriage.

Thinking of you barcher. Not an easy decision to make but I think it's the right one.

Your head is on board, but it's best for your heart and gut to be on board, too.

The heart and gut are not on board.

I started skimming craigslist today (a little infidelity joke: You can find more than affair partners on CL!) and I sent a couple of emails. I am going to try and find a cheap place to live for awhile until I can get the rest of my life settled.

We are stupid enough to have two houses (home + lake property), both of which need a lot of work to sell. The lake property has issues with the property lines that will require $5,000+ to resolve. The home was severely damaged by hail a month ago... we are still battling contractors and insurance companies to get it fixed.

The good news, unlike a year ago, I am confident that I can afford to move out as long as I find an inexpensive place to live. We had planned on 'fixing' a bunch of other problems with our house in addition to the storm damage, but I'll just tell the contractor to just fix what was broken. We can sell the house and then manage just fine.