SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Fine. We talked some last night, but not much. For some reason, she assumed that my request for a divorce wasn't serious. She was annoyed to learn that it was.

She waited until I was almost asleep and then decided that she wanted to negotiate the division of assets, but I refused... saying that was something that we could do during normal business hours.

Make sure she knows that business hours are between 3:15-3:30pm MWF and 3:00-3:15pm TTH

That way you have business hours, and she can do the work to fit it into her "Busy" schedule.

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 3:36 PM, August 4th, 2017 (Friday)]

Ugh. I'm so sorry. I have hope that this will shake/wake her up, especially since you don't really want to D.

But cyber hugs either way. I sure hate this shit show and have really appreciated your contributions to this site. You've always seemed very self aware and helpful to others.

Please don't be a stranger whether you D or not? Let us know how you're doing.

I am very proud of you.

You are taking steps to finally find happiness.

You know who are the biggest beneficiaries of this? Future barcher and the little archers.

Future barcher will benefit from you taking the opportunity to craft the life you always should have been living. You will fill your life with good, honest, caring, giving, complimentary people.

Your kids are likely to grow up and have successful relationships because of the strength that you are modeling for them.

I wish I could fast forward you to a few years out and you will be shocked that you wanted to stay with this woman. You will be amazed at how well your kids are doing, the routines you've developed together, how close you are your kids are. Way closer than you would have been had you stayed in this bad marriage.

You've got this. Your future is going to be incredible. I know it's hard to believe right now, but I promise you! Sending huge, healing hugs and love your way!

That was a fucking awesome response!!!!

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You've been such a good source of support for so many people here, it's sad to think that you're hurting.

Hugs to you.

J.

That was a fucking awesome response!!!!

I concur with Tushnurse! It most certainly was. I can imagine her facial expression upon hearing it. Good for you!

She was annoyed to find out you're serious? Not sad, stunned, or numb? Maybe instead of being annoyed she could wake up and fight for you and your marriage.

You're making decisions and I guess she doesn't like it. This is the time for her to get it together.

How are you? Are you sleeping and eating ok? Please take care of yourself Barcher. You have a lot of people here who care about you, myself included of course.

((((Barcher))))

Barcher- I may find myself in the same position as you in the next few months. Thank you for posting your thoughts as they have proved invaluable and I am drawing strength from them to possibly make the same decision. Just know you have helped someone else in need. Also, I am sorry for your loss.

When my H realized that I was serious about D, he became angry like I had never seen before. Furious. Like a trapped animal. I stayed away from him during these hours/days.

Why was he like this? I had never, in our entire marriage, enforced a boundary. He had always been able to manipulate me with pity or apologies or guilt, and my codependency bought it. Not this time, and he was livid.

He screamed at me, "WHAT??!!! What do you want from me??!!"

I very clearly said:

"IC--3 appointments set up

Total transparency

Reading

And then we will see"

About three days later, I saw the IC appointments on the calendar. It took about 6 months for IC to begin to make an impact.

Expect her to be furious. You have never drawn this type of boundary, it seems. It will take time for her to realize you mean business, and she will not be happy. But that's good. You haven't been happy for a long time, and now you are doing what you need. It's her turn to feel the discomfort of unhappiness.

Make sure she knows that business hours are between 3:15-3:30pm MWF and 3:00-3:15pm TTH

Union breaks of course...3:16-3:29pm MWF and 3:01-3:14pm TTh.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:59 AM, August 5th (Saturday)]

How are you? Are you sleeping and eating ok?

I am doing fine. I've said this before, but my depression was a far bigger deal in my life than my wife's affair. Everything in life is so much easier without depression that it is literally mind-boggling.

I am not sleeping great, but I don't know how much of my poor sleep is related to my marriage. I have been sleeping on the floor a lot because I can't seem to get comfortable in bed. I am eating pretty normal, perhaps a little better than normal (I'm trying to eat better).

She asked me this morning to try and work on the marriage some more. Then she went back to sleep. I'll remind her that I have conditions (not so much a boundary -- I need her to do something specific rather than not behave in a certain way).

I know this is your safe place, but have you asked her to post here?

And have you seen this puppy lately?

I have thought about asking her to be here, but I don't think that she would use the site much. It's just not her style. If suddenly she changed and I thought that she would benefit, then I'd tell her about it.

I don't need much of a safe space. I don't say anything here that I wouldn't say to her face.

Just read through this, all I can say is I'm sorry.

You're MC sucked & sounds very old school. She hasn't opened her shit & TT sucks butt rim.

Be strong, make you number 1.

Try to come up with a concrete list of things you need to see like more compliments and standing up to her parents. Don't be afraid to set the bar high. If the person you want to be married to is completely different, then she will have to change or you will never feel like the M is worth it to stay in.

Do you think she believes you will just cave and not go through with it?

Yes. (so do I)

I know the progression, and I know the desire to make it work. The lack of compliments/support is a clear flag she's not that into R, and I say that from my experience. My STBX also never said bye or anything when she left for work, but was upset if I didn't maintain the caring bye/kiss ritual.

Head--5 years ago after months of MC/IC and her repeated failures, I met attorneys, and told her I was considering D. My head told me I was there, but I tried to work with her to R.

Heart--4 years ago, while still in MC/IC, I took my DD on 2 week trip to Paris and London. On that trip, I realized I didn't miss her, and I was ready to move on. My heart was now on board. I continued to work on R.

Gut--2 years ago, my trust had been reformed (gaslighting), she fired up active A's (recently discovered), and I bought into her stories about the many red flags that were going off. My gut was onboard now, I regularly found myself actively contemplating D, and I told her so. She simply danced about keeping me on the hook, doing just enough to convince me to try to make it work.

Shock--For me, it was very hard to follow through without a major shocking event (a few weeks ago). I'm now in D process, looking forward to the other side and a bit of a wreck. Honestly, everything since WW stepped out has kind of sucked. Until she wants to fix her, really fix her, R is useless. The houses thing is a pain too. I'm at the lake house I bought STBX last year and finishing the last few repairs for the new buyer. As much as the D/S experience sucks, I know and am reminded it will get better.

If I have regrets, it's that I didn't walk away and D when my head told me I should. It would have been hard, but would I have avoided a lot of pain and wasted years.

Please get legal advice about the D process. Know your options and the things you need to do to follow through on that. It sounds like she might be thinking she'd prefer life without having to care about you (dividing assets), but not wanting to give up the stability/comforts she has with you (work more on M), or I'm just reading my painful experience into it.

Set the bar for R high enough that your relationship needs have to be met. Start being a bit selfish, M is about you too. I do hope she'll come around for you.

(((barcher)))

I took a hiatus from SI to focus on kids this summer. When I returned today, I was flabbergasted by your post because you seemed more positive about your R than I could ever imagine being. I am so sorry for your pain. I can't quit thinking about you and how much your posts have helped me see that there are sensitive, insightful, introspective men out there. I wish I had something helpful to say, but all that comes to mind when I think about you is: Why is it that so many of us who find emotionally intelligent qualities important so often end up with emotionally vacant people?

I wish you strength and peace as you continue to find your way. Know that you have the support of many you have impacted with your posts. I hope you have support IRL as well.