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DHH,

Think strategically, long term. Develop your tactical plans around your strategic goal. I see you're collecting all of the intel that you can. Make sure your attorney is on board will your goals. That seems to be full custody.

DHH... then lean on us at SI. Don't be afraid to go to the doctor either.

Just to be clear, I don't disagree with anything that you are doing, but it's just: woah, man... I wouldn't want to see and hear all of that.

I'm rooting for you, for sure. Good luck.

And tonight, my friends, next episode in soap opera "DHH and his new reality" - DHH has change of heart.

OK, so yesterday everything went like this (don't remember everything):

She came home late (legitimate reason).

I was already in bed, she came to me, put her arms around me:

WW: Do you want me to hold you?

Me: IDK

WW: I want us to succeed...

Me: Crickets

WW: Will it make you feel better if you hug me?

Me: IDK

WW: Hug me.

I turn over and hug her. She tries to kiss me.

Me: Don't

At this point I'm not feeling anything. Just calm. Actually, I even smile a little when she can't see (revenge? - now you are being deceived)

The conversation wanders to her selfishness. I'm deliberately speaking in cold voice with hint of the "storm that is raging beneath" (just calm there). She asks me to point to the instances of her selfishness. I do and she tries to explain that it was not selfishness. I explain that I was too soft to resist. I explain that selfish people have mastered the art of reasoning for their choices. I explain that she loves me only when everything is OK, but once the storm starts, she starts to think about herself. She counters that there's so much person can take. I explain that a person can take anything if he does not think about himself. And that from every storm I walk out wounded. That at 8 months I should have started healing and not just trying to survive (everything I'm telling her is true, but not relevant any more) The conversation goes nowhere (I don't want it to go anywhere).

In the morning I tell her that I'm giving her time to show real effort until our wedding anniversary (5 months away)

WW: I think you already made up your mind.

Me: If I had, you would have papers served already. Why prolong this hurt?

She leaves for work. Then I find her engagement ring on the bed cabinet. And when I look at her google history this morning, I find she looked for lyrics of "here I go again" by Whitesnake (Here I go again on my own, I made up my mind...). She doesn't listen to rock, so that's most probably what her lover sent her.

So I need your advice - how should I react to engagement ring? Just ignore it or ask her what does that mean? (I doubt that she will start divorce process until after our vacation at the end of the month, but who knows).

(And no, I hadn't change of heart)

(It's actually the same, aching one)

[This message edited by DarkHoleHeart at 1:49 AM, July 4th (Tuesday)]

Why wait?

Why wait?

Don't have papers yet. Draft should be ready early next week.

woah, man... I wouldn't want to see and hear all of that

None of us would, I guess. But it was kind of sobering. Every word, every thrust when he was inside her killed my love for her one bit at a time. Two weeks ago tears would have started flowing if I started writing something about my love being killed, now - nothing. Not even a missed heartbeat. And many of the puzzle pieces that were missing in my life fell into place.

Actually, I don't understand what is going on with me emotionally. I'm not numb (I know what it is). I feel very strong emotions when I mourn my wasted love, I cry when I think about consequences to my kids, but there's complete calm with everything that is connected with her. Is this indifference real?

And yes, I'm leaning on you guys! You are amazing!

Her taking off her engagement ring is her trying to manipulate you. If she had a lawyer and was going to have you served she'd be operating in a completely different manner.

Hey DHH

I am only meters ahead of you in this walk that we share but I hope that I can give you encouragement. The day I took the clear and unequivocal decision to D my head started to clear and I felt as if I had taken back control over my life.

The day the D papers were served was even more empowering.

Hang in there until you get to that point.

I wish that I was already at the point of being able to use my own story to tell you just how much wonder awaits us in our new futures. I am not there but I know that I am going to get there. In the meantime, every morning, I read the post by SupppeDaddy (now 4 pages in on JFO) and it gives me all the hope I need.

When you are feeling down just reach out in front of you. I am on the path just meters ahead.

how should I react to engagement ring?

The way I read this is that it's a veiled threat. She *gets* that something is up with you and you've made a decision so she's trying to manipulate you by threatening to "end the marriage" symbolized by leaving the ring behind. If I were you, I'd ignore it. It's manipulative at best.

As for your preternatural calm, that is resolution. However, don't think that under that there isn't a shit ton of pain, because there is. You're in the holding pattern circling the airport and when you land... well. You'll have some bad moments. An end of a marriage is always painful. You'll grieve, your kids will grieve. So strap yourself in, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

You want to know what I think.

The ring was a gift. It isn't part of martial assets. It has a monetary value.

Now she has lost it. Can't find it. It's lost.

Iwantmyglasses, she didn't forget it. She took it of and left in on her side of bed on the cabinet.

BrokenheartedUK, I want her to think that I'm still susceptible to manipulation.

I just left it where it is, like I didn't notice it. Let's see what she does. If she doesn't put it back on, I will "notice" it tomorrow.

Ohforanewme, thanks for your kind words! Unfortunately, I don't feel like I'm in control of my life, since there are so many unknowns in the near future - e.g. I'm not so sure that I will get full custody, etc.

Have you considered pawning that engagement ring and buying her moving supplies with the money?

BrokenheartedUK, I want her to think that I'm still susceptible to manipulation.

I am sure that this is late advice, but:

You should tell her that you were hurt that she left it behind.

The day I took the clear and unequivocal decision to D my head started to clear and I felt as if I had taken back control over my life.

I had this same experience when I filed for divorce during my first marriage. I felt awful (because I was mourning the end of my marriage) and wonderful (because all of the CRAP of my marriage was behind me).

Not an real update, just a thought...

Is it normal to wish that WW meets up with AP today so that I don't have to be with her all this long Friday night?

This "wayward" style of life really sucks

(for those who just read the last post and not whole thread, I'm in evidence gathering mode, waiting D papers to be ready, WW doesn't know and I'm keeping "everything's OK, we are in R" face).

how should I react to engagement ring?

JS84 beat me to it, sell it to help pay for your legal expenses.

JS84 beat me to it, sell it to help pay for your legal expenses.

It is quite cheap one, didn't have much money at that time... So, bus ticket for her to some depressing and dull place maybe?

BTW, it is still lying on the table. I asked her why, she said that she took it off several days ago, when we had a fight.

Her: do you want to put it back on?

Me: you have already taken it off one time and I put it back on. Nothing changed since then. (we were still in false R, I said that I'm not sure how I feel about that ring since it was on her finger when she touched AP, she took it off crying said "do whatever you want with it", I asked if it is important to her, she said yes, so I put it back on).

So it is lying on the table.

My opinion only, but I think she feels something is up so she is in the passive aggressive mode, game playing mode of "let me do something to make DHH start talking".

How about you do nothing? That would be my take on it. So she took off her ring, you will have to work on getting to the point where what she does is "meh" to you. I know it is hard, trust me. But why not drive her crazy but not showing her that you saw it?

Just my two cents.

Sorry I think we just double posted. You guys already talked about it.

realitybites, I did ask her about the ring, just to be "in character".

She actually never was "let's get DHH talking". She always was non-confrontational, I was doing 90% of the talking. So my take on her actions - she feels the difference, but probably associates it with our fight about minor STD that I was diagnosed (hm, did I mention that? I think I did) - she was angry that I blamed her, etc. And she's continuing her cake-eating behavior - doing bare minimum not to drive me to the breaking point. But she probably is a little confused, because I respond a little differently than before. And it is because I don't want her to start divorce process herself, but also don't want to act too nice (to avoid sex and overall being with her). So when I feel things are getting too sweet between us, I invent some problem, some trigger, start complaining that her actions aren't consistent with remorse, etc.

And that calm that I mentioned before is still with me. Don't feel a thing for her.

My boss (I told him my problems when I asked for vacation) offered me his car "in case you need unfamiliar car to follow her or something"

DHH, you're doing great. Not everyone who reacts to another DDay or further remorselessness with calm detachment has some sort of mental problem. It's very common for a switch to flip when a BS is just done. Many describe it as being calm and even relieved. It sounds like you're done and no longer care what she does as long as you're not apart of it. That's completely normal.

Just a rant.

How can she talk about our retirement plans, about buying apartment in some warm country, when she continues to f..k her COW? She hopes that she won't be found out?

And now it's all about upcoming vacation... (I told her that I booked apartment - I didn't - but it will be a surprise. Oh yes, it will)

What a f...ing cake-eater...