SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, little context. I found out my wife cheated on me in 2016 October (DDay#1) (more details in my profile).

Several months ago I got "all the truth". I have no idea if that was really all at the time, it doesn't matter really.

We were in reconciliation. False, of course. She didn't blameshift, took all responsibility, but didn't really do anything more, except from acting as a loving wife. Emphasis on "acting". After "the truth" my gut was at ease for a while, but when I saw no effort and downright ignorance to my requests about boundaries, bullshit detector fired up again.

So now I have specific evidence that she is fucking other guys. As in "yesterday". Since I track her location, she did it at her workplace.

SO YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT. She is lying. And she is serial cheater.

Ok, now I need advice how to proceed. Note, that legal system in our country is different, so I'm looking for advise on overall action plan.

Didn't confront yet.

I'm definitely divorcing.

Going to see a lawyer.

Don't want her to know that I know yet.

I would like to get names of her ONS (for OBS).

There's remote possibility that she's reading this forum. In that case, FUCK OFF, BITCH.

[This message edited by DarkHoleHeart at 1:08 AM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

What were the circumstances of her going out last night and did u follow her or gps? Did u see the person? Get their license plate?

I got anonymous e-mail with recording. I know her location all the time (Google Location services) and she is aware of that. So she fucked at her workplace. 100% positive. But I don't know who OM is.

I acted perfectly everyday normal. Even fucked her (with protection).

I'm essentially calm, except for my heart which tries to exit my throat.

It was interesting to watch her act tenderly, snuggle up, look into my eyes. Pretending was easy for me too, I would say.

Now I don't feel hate. I feel indifference. I diagnose myself as being in shock (i.e. indifference is effect of the shock, probably, not the fact that I don't love her anymore)

[This message edited by DarkHoleHeart at 6:49 AM, July 18th (Tuesday)]

Hey Dark I'm sorry that this happened to you and that you are finding yourself hear again. I am new to the site and don't want to pretend I'm an expert, my d-day was about 2 months ago, so so take this advice for what it's worth. I am currently dealing with a WW that isn't remorseful and has basically given me her add to kids even after confronting. My WW has had probably 4-5 PAs during our entire relationship, and 2 over the six years we've been married. I tell you this because your WW sounds very similar to mine. My WW acted the exact same way yours did during our first reconciliation. She sounds like a serial cheater just like my WW. I commend you for being strong and knowing that you don't want this person in your life. You deserve better and the fact that you recognize that puts you ahead of me and others who still try to hang in and make it work. I know that physical feeling you are having too. I know it all too well and I've been dealing with it myself off and on for the past couple months. You are strong, you know what you want, stick to your guns and get this pain causing person out of your life for good. I wish I had made the kind of decision you're making right now when I first had problems with my WW and her PAs. If I had your intestinal fortitude I would have saved myself a lot of pain and wasted time. I have two wonderful boys because I stick it out but now they are in harms way from my WWs actions. So you are saving yourself from more than you will ever know. I'm proud of your strength and I hope that I can find that courage for myself. Hang in there bro

I've always felt the best "confrontation" is to have them served with divorce papers along with some of the evidence if possible. Then just go dark.

I had a friend who went through something similar but he did everything right and it all happened to work in his favor.

He never outright confronted her but had been suspicious for some time that she was cheating on him, I forget why. Stand up guy who loved his wife but he wasn't going to stick around with a cheater. He didn't have a PI but his XWW was not tech savvy and it wasn't hard for him to find all the proof he needed on her computer which he copied and sent to himself. He also installed a key logger.

He saw a divorce lawyer to understand his options and when he was basically given the okay to move out with no repercussions he found an apartment like two towns away from us (maybe like 25 miles).

So his XWW, who has no idea she's been caught and he isn't giving anything away by his behavior, has an upcoming "work trip" and will be out of town for 3 days. He had the key logger on her comp so he knew it was BS, just a 3 day romp with her lover.

He knew what hotel she would be at and where to have her served. So the day she leaves none the wiser, they say their goodbyes and later that day he, his brothers and another friend (he only told a few people what was going on and I didn't even hear about it until a couple of years after the fact) boxed up all his belongings, furniture he had purchased, etc and moved it to his new apartment.

She wound up being served while in the room with her AP and there was plenty of documented evidence along with the papers so she immediately knew she was caught. She blows up his phone, leaving dozens of messages, texts, etc but he just went completely dark. She comes home to a house that's half empty. And she had no idea where he was staying (although she did go to his job a few times, he would just ignore her and eventually security would make her leave).

But she was pretty much on her belly trying to get him take her back from what I was told. Promised to do everything he needed and how sorry she was blah blah blah.

He didn't have to say one word to her. No confrontation, no asking why, no demanding all the details, no yelling/swearing/name calling, no announcement that he was even filing for divorce.

He said everything he had to purely through his actions. Anyway they got divorced, she tried to get him back for a couple of years before she gave up. This was like 7 or 8 years ago, he remarried and I'm not too sure what she's up to but I heard through a mutual acquaintance she claims to still love him, regrets what she did, and was going to therapy for awhile to deal with the fallout.

Now back when I heard all this happened I thought what he did was extreme and cruel. 4 years of reading stories like this, I know he did everything the right way. Even if he had wanted to reconcile he still made all the right moves. When she saw he was completely ready to drop her, she was begging for a second chance.

If I ever find myself in that situation, that's how I'd want to handle it (although if kids are involved a few things might have to change, fortunately they didn't have any since they were mid 20s at the time).

But at the end of the day it's up to you.

[This message edited by JS84 at 12:49 AM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

TMB, thanks for your kind words!

I've been following your thread, sorry for you :(

I said to her that any more lies or affairs were dealbreaker for me. That's not the line in the sand. That's groove in concrete. I'm getting myself out of infidelity.

Action plan?

First, get the papers drawn up and have her served or simply give them to her.

No contact except for children or finances/divorce related. Anything else, ghost her. Stop having sex with her. Focus on detaching.

Exercise, eat well, keep alcohol to a minimum.

Everything else your lawyer will take care of.

Randy, I want to go shock and awe with her. I would like to find out who OMs are. I'm planning to act normal (sex included - what difference it would make now, I fucked her without knowing, so now I would fuck her knowing) until I have my legal situation and papers ready. Don't want to give her any warning. Also, maybe more evidence (not admissible in court, I don't even know if infidelity is a factor).

I might consider to ask AP#? to cooperate (she kind of used him too, he was in love with her), but have to consult lawyer first. Want to sink that bitch.

Hi DarkHoleHeart

The summary of your action plan is spot on!

Stick to it. From my experience life will throw curved balls but if the plan is there you will know what action to take to get back on the path.

Right choice!!!

Strength.

It was not meant to be harsh and I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:35 AM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

Wool, your post might be a bit harsh

You are watching my life being shattered to pieces just when I thought I started gathering them. Oh pooooor baby.

As much as I like (and understand your pleasure) seeing another cheater taste the aftermath of their actions, I don't think it would be such a pleasure to watch my story unfold, because I don't have the strength nor resources as ohforanewme or guy (Y... something) who let his wife take his AP to Spain (?) and then dumped everything on her (thread title Hindsight). So, brace yourself for a soap opera.

I may be mistaken, but I think Wool's cheering is more about admiring you for being strong and standing by your word - that any more bullshit was a deal-breaker. Unfortunately, you see lines drawn in the sand all the time but sadly, those lines just get moved again and again and again each time the WS crosses them. I, too, admire you greatly for standing by your convictions and not continually moving your groove in the concrete each time she proves herself yet AGAIN to be unworthy.

But I did want to warn you - even with a condom, you can still get Herpes as it's also passed through the skin. I assume you wanted to degrade her by having sex with her the night you found out, but you just have NO idea what her latest office 'lay' might be carrying and SHE obviously doesn't care, so please don't risk your OWN sexual health in the process.

I really admire your strength.

Your wife is having sex with multiple men, unless your condom is made out of iron it can still split or slip off, meaning you are putting your own health at risk.

If D is the route you're going and you have children then it's time to think about your long term future and being there for them and you're no good to them sick.

Besides the fact you're having sex with her after she's possibly been with other guys which is kind of gross, but to each their own I guess.

NoMercy, Wool, my response to Wool's comment was sarcasm directed at myself mostly :)

Yes, I realize about the dangers of having sex with a whore. Unfortunately, I already did it before DDay#2 and even without condom, so one or two fucks won't make a difference. I can fake that I'm having bad period because of her affair and her period is nearing, so I think I'm good in this area.

NoMercy, Tren, I don't know why I had sex with her. Scientific curiosity - I'm looking at her as an interesting specimen of the species that I had no idea existed, observing her reactions. Also, I'm observing myself. How different species interact. Probably I just wanted to see how she fucks when she just had another guy (some 5h prior, using a condom). During the time in between her vagina was soaked in pool water (pool jumping), so sterilized it a bit :D (don't take me too seriously)

I'm so sorry, DHH.

I do want to recommend that you go ahead and step back though. Shock and awe might make you feel better, but you need some emotional distancing in order to absorb this latest blow.

I'm not saying you should tip your hand, rather just be busy all the time, busy enough to stay out of her range as often as possible.

I'm also concerned about legalities. If you're planning on filing on grounds, in some locales, a return to sexual intimacy after discovery can be viewed as tacit forgiveness by the court. Your best bet might be to avoid any further sexual contact until after you've conferred with an attorney.

Strength to you.

I bet, legal system and legal base is quite different in my country than in US. But I still have to talk about it to a lawyer (scheduled for Monday)

I had a short phone conversation with him, actually. He said, that secret recordings are admissible in our court (she might demand that I don't make these public). There might be some nuances such as if these recordings were made to protect my security, etc. Will find out on Monday. Can't wait for the next week. Because I plan to get everything done then, already took vacation, made excuses to be in the office (I'm working from home usually) to be able to see a lawyer, etc.

ChamomileTea, I feel so distant now from her emotionally that my accretion disk and jets shouldn't even register on the biggest telescopes.

Pardon my astronomical references.

Lol, well Damn, Now I've removed it. Im totally cheering you on!

I actually felt bad about it after I posted it.

And minions make everything better.

Wool, please, put it back