SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What was her reaction to the recording?

In shock, I guess. When I started talking, she denied everything. Even when I quoted some pieces of their conversation, she still denied. Don't remember what she said after I played recording.

Having her across the street sounds sounds too close to me. Do you want her eyeing your place and every woman that comes in?

I agree, it is too close (windows, however, aren't facing each other). But it is for the kids' sake. The lesser of various evils.

As for eyeing every woman - I don't think I care. And I think that she would have to wait quite a bit for any woman and then quite a bit between different ones :D

I, personally, do not think splitting up the kids is in their best interest. I hope you decide against this arrangement.

I, personally, do not think splitting up the kids is in their best interest.

I agree wholeheartedly, as I think every one. would.

I, personally, do not think splitting up the kids is in their best interest. I hope you decide against this arrangement.

Do you think leaving them all with their mother would be a better solution?

As I stated earlier, even considering everything, my chances at winning full custody aren't very good (historically, mother wins custody in majority of the cases, despite circumstances)

So what I'm doing - I'm weighing all options and trying to find solution that would minimize trauma to my kids.

I'm considering "splitting kids" option only if it is possible to arrange living close by.

There's one more option - coparenting instead of splitting. As I understand, this is quite new in our country. Do you consider this a better option?

If I could buy the house that is nearby, I suspect that the kids would spend majority of the time with me anyway - since I'm able to work from home.

However, in a few years, parent in a house would become more of an obstacle than a plus for the kids :)

Do you think leaving them all with their mother would be a better solution?

Absolutely not, from your description that would be putting the kids in a questionable, if not potentially dangerous, situation.

If you have been documenting and have witnesses to some of her behavior, mental unstableness, drinking, etc., I'd check with the lawyer as it would seem you could at least influence a judge to give her limited access. and hopefully be living with you.

Her work requirements to be on call at all hours would work to your advantage.

I understand you are in Europe, so I really don't know how things work in your country, but the welfare and safety of the children would seem paramount to any judge.

I'm with Twisted on this. Fight for full custody, regardless of the majority of cases because there are still some cases where the father won custody. You want to do right by your kids and that means keeping them together and going for full custody.

It doesn't matter how close you get in the "splitting kids" option. Splitting them up, at all, is just so wrong in my eyes. I can't imagine having been split from my siblings. I would have wondered why my one parent took my siblings, but not me. No matter what would have been told to me, that's why I would have thought.

BeingNaive, true, all true. That's why I would feel like I'm abandoning her and as you say, she would feel the same in the long run.

I think that I'm nearing decision - ultimate target - full custody, minimum target - 50/50 parenting.

If I loose, so be it. At least I would have done everything I could.

She's playing "you are responsible for this decision to D, not me, you are putting the kids into this hell, not me, have you considered the impact D will have in their life" card heavily. I think I'm done discussing it with her.

Thinking to change lawyers to one that is quite active in defending father rights in divorce. Current lawyers didn't provide me with some essential info.

Sending strength from a father who did win full custody. 20+ years ago when the courts were even more biased towards placing children with their mother. Sadly, I also had to split children. I had no rights to my stepdaughter in the legal system though I tried like hell. There was no way I could Envision leaving my son in the environment that an untreated borderline disordered mother could provide. Sadly, even the trial judge agreed, but could find no basis for awarding me custody.

Once you are awarded full custody, you can set or Grant extra time with your ex if you feel she is capable of providing a safe environment.

Strength

There's an increasingly popular arrangement you may want to consider where the children remain in the family home all the time, but the parents switch off. One week one parent stays in that home, while the other parent maintains a separate residence (like a small apartment), and vice versa according to schedule. It is not ideal for every situation depending on income, house size, coparenting ability, etc. But just wanted to put it on your radar :)

She's playing "you are responsible for this decision to D, not me, you are putting the kids into this hell, not me, have you considered the impact D will have in their life" card heavily. I think I'm done discussing it with her.

ummmmm

AP#1: COW EA/PA, AP#2: EA?/PA 3 months, AP#3: COW EA/PA

She's alternating between "You want D, not me, you are closed to any alternatives, etc." and "Please, I know I destroyed your trust and love completely, but give me one more chance".

She's asking me to be open to possibility to R. To give her 6 months.

"I'm not asking you to start loving me again, I'm just asking you not to block that feeling if you feel it returning, I will do whatever it takes to restore your trust, etc."

She's citing me my own words that even after affairs, that lasted tens of years, people can reconcile. And that she was faithful for 14 years (this is true, I'm certain to some 95%). And that she believes that we can build a new, stronger relationship, yada yada. I asked her then why she destroyed that belief in me?

She wants to go to therapist (MC). I said that there's nothing MC can do now. And that I'm very wary of therapists now that I've tried two and they failed miserably.

However some of her earlier comments show that she doesn't really understand what I was going trough (e.g. why I needed to know her whereabouts all the time, and such).

So, my answer to all of this was that I will think of it and discuss it with my lawyer - if I have nothing to loose, then I will give her that chance. And that we probably have less than 1% chance to even start to R.

You do what's best for you. Nobody will fault you for that.

I will do whatever it takes to restore your trust, etc."

Ask her for a lopsided quickie divorce (you get everything...she gets nothing). R can begin after she signs & judge stamps. If R succeeds you'll consider remarrying w/ a prenup that states any infidelity means you get everything in divorce again.

...tell her to put her money where her mouth is !!!

Who she willing to do a post nup?

If she is not actively in an affair, truly what is the rush? But be warned, I have done both divorced and reconciled of the two, divorce was much easier and I went through a full-blown custody battle.

She needs to provide you a reason to want to r. What does she think that is? And no, leave the kids out of it. They are better off being from a broken home then living in one.

What does she say will be different then the last time you gave her the gift of reconcile? She made promises then, why should you believe her this time?

You aren't at any obligation whatsoever to give your cheater another chance. When I went back and read your thread again from the beginning, I honestly can't believe she had the unmitigated gall to even suggest it. That's ANOTHER six months of your life she's asking you to hand over. I think it would behoove you to review your posting history before you agree to anything.

Your WW sounds like a selfish person, so if you set things up where the kids are close by and mostly with you, she'll probably lose interest in parenting them. I wouldn't let my fears regarding an "intact" family sway my decision.

All that said, you have to do what's right for you. Bear in mind though that you'll never meet Miss Right while Miss Cheaterpants is blocking the path. And also, paraphrasing a statistic I read awhile back, roughly 75% of couples will reconcile after infidelity, but only about half of them will be satisfied/happy continuing on in the marriage. So that give you about a 1 in 3 chance of being content with a decision to R.

Don't let the statistics on how often the children go with the mother in divorces mislead you on your chances of winning custody in court. I can't find the source for this now, but I was reading very recently that the vast majority of cases are decided out of court, either wholly uncontested or else settled in mediation, which heavily sways it to the mother.

I haven't followed your story too closely, but from what's been mentioned recently you have a lot of very concrete factors (her irregular work hours, being on call 24/7) before you even get to whether she's an emotionally fit parent to make a very strong case for full custody with visitation.

Obviously I don't know the specifics for your country so talk to a lawyer and do your research, but just don't let the numbers put you off when every case is different and treated on its own merits in court.

ChamomileTea, I don't need to review my posting history, every event, every lie, every moment of past year and especially last 9 months (since DDay#1) is etched into my mind.

And I always have recordings of her with AP#3 (btw, it looks like sex between them was that single time - but that's not her merit, second time he just didn't bring condom :D ) - it acts as a very effective wake-up call if I start to get into everyday family routine too much.

I honestly cannot imagine how she could change into the person that I could trust. And even if she does, how can I believe it?

Actually, now I don't want to even think about R. I'm now free from all the triggers, thinking about her f---- with AP does not even register with my heart, her touch does not bring ANY feelings (ok, it does - irritation - and she clings to that, that I'm not as indifferent as I "pretend"). But if I don't loose anything by waiting, I'm willing to give her that chance (I hate that phrase already - for the kids) - maybe my feelings for her will return, maybe she manages to do the work, etc. etc. There will be conditions, of course - her written and signed confession with timeline (if it is applicable in court), confession in social media, etc.

you have a lot of very concrete factors (her irregular work hours, being on call 24/7) before you even get to whether she's an emotionally fit parent to make a very strong case for full custody with visitation.

Her work hours are very regular, but she's "on alert" for 0-3 days per week. And it is completely voluntary - she just gets additional pay for hours "on alert". So I doubt that's a factor.

I spoke with a lawyer, he estimated my chances for a full custody 15-20%. I cannot get actual statistics on this, unfortunately.

I like Sybo's advice: If she really wants to prove her love for you, sign the divorce papers and then try to win you back.

That's a win win!