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Is she even NC w AP3 yet?

It would be interesting to ask her to write you a letter that explains, to you, the following:

(1) Why does she want another chance with a man she obviously doesn't love, has no respect for and holds in very low regard. A man who no longer trusts her and has reached a point of indifference in the marriage?

(2) What is she going to do to fix a marriage that she has spent months disrespecting, months raping and murdering said marriage, turning her back on, and disregarding ever aspect of that marriage?

(3) Why does she want another chance when experience has shown that she could easily jump in bed with the next man that strikes her fancy?

(4) How is another chance going to help stop your images of her with another man or hearing her with him? What is she going to do to help you heal from such a blow?

(5) how is another chance going to relieve the deep, deep hurt that her actions has caused you?

(6) If you give her six months, what is she going to do to try and fix all this?

It would be interesting to see what she writes. If I was in your place I would ask for such a letter. I wish you well.

Sybo, tessthemess, yesterday I took your advice and suggested it to her (divorcing right now and working towards R for some time afterwards). Not exactly "I take everything" - I wouldn't sign such papers myself if I was in her place - but honest 50/50 custody and division of material assets. She tried to find anything wrong with it, but really couldn't, except from "what holds you from walking away once D is finalized instead of giving me 6-12 months" - to which I answered "Nothing, just my word. And you know I never broke it. So you just have to put yourself into my hands".

She is crying all the time now. It has no effect on me, I lost all empathy towards her (and she sees it).

I wonder if she really had an epiphany, or if she's really good at manipulation (not working so far, I'm completely detached).

I know from her conversation with AP#3 that she really didn't enjoy her life over last year too much (there are mixed messages from the different parts of their conversation, however) - "when I started all this nonsense", "I tried living in the moment, using all the chances, and it is not fun" etc.

Is she even NC w AP3 yet?

Stevesn, I don't know (she could be doing all three of them at the same time for all I care).

I know that she is in occasional contact with AP#1 (COW). She is most probably NC with AP#2. And most probably mostly in NC with AP#3.

I sent AP#3 an e-mail notifying him about STD I was diagnosed (with stamped paper attached) and that she already knew it when they last met and almost had sex. I also remarked that artificial vagina that he made for himself is probably safer option (he told my WW how he made one)... No reply from him

WW said that she called him once (after I served her papers) to notify him that I found out and have recordings. He said that he doesn't care, I can put these on YouTube if I want.

As a side note, even if we somehow manage to start R, I don't think I will be taking her on her offer to change jobs - she should be able to work in an office full of the guys she slept with and be faithful to R with me. And if she doesn't go into R with whole heart, then changing jobs won't hold her from straying - she's attractive enough to get somebody to f... her the same evening if she puts her mind to that.

Edit: spelling

[This message edited by DarkHoleHeart at 3:28 AM, July 24th (Monday)]

Yeah I figured she wasn't.

I only asked about NC to point out the arrogance of someone asking her spouse to work on R while they haven't even taken the basic step of proving NC.

I doubt she has it in her to do the real work over the coming years, the umpteen different aspects of R, that will be required to achieve it and become truly safe.

Obviously one of those steps will have to be to identity OM1, and she's already shown the unwillingness to do that basic item.

Move forward with D. Give her a few months to slip up after it's finalized and move on with your life out of this infidelity.

Take care and thanks for the updates.

Obviously one of those steps will have to be to identity OM1, and she's already shown the unwillingness to do that basic item.

I found out his identity myself (no direct evidence, but when I put all the facts together, there was only one person left). I later asked her "who AP#1 was?" and she answered with the name I already knew.

She's offering me anything now. Changing her job, camera in her office, etc, "whatever it takes". Tries to convince me that her behavior over the last year "is not who she is", etc.

I'm willing to give her 6-12 months. Because I realize that us staying together in healthy relationship would be the best outcome for the kids.

DHH,

I guess this is where our stories finally diverge. I wish my wife would have come back to the table, but we are clearly done. It doesn't help my cause that I didn't have her sign a prenup and she'll likely try to take me to the cleaners in our divorce (feels really fair that we are divorcing because of her actions and she'll end up taking a lot of my assets with her).

Best of luck with R. Keep us posted.

Have you exposed AP1?

Ah so you found out. Do you understand why she was being so protective? Do you plan to clue in his BS?

Have you asked her why she is now holding so dear a marriage she didn't seem to care about up to a few days ago.

What does/would she say to that? It's not like this is her first DDay.

I can't imagine most of what a WS thinks, but I have to imagine if I was caught cheating multiple times I might admit to myself that I was not cut out to be in a committed relationship and have to agree that D is the obvious next step.

NotYetConvinced, I would not say that yet - I'm definitely not in R now and don't know if I will be ready to R ever.

Sorry to hear about your prospects in D :( Unfortunately "law" does not equal "fair".

Sharkman, I don't have any proof to show OBS#1. Finding his name was result of deduction, from the facts that have zero weight to OBS. So unless WW cooperates, I might be explained as "some crazy guy whose wife cheated and who's now running around blaming every COW".

So if your wife does not cooperate then it means she's not even close to remorseful. She really doesn't have any options here.

All of you sudden you're turtling up. Keep on doing the right things dude.

Ah so you found out. Do you understand why she was being so protective? Do you plan to clue in his BS?

Stevesn, she actually wasn't protective. When she "came clean" 2 or so months ago, she just omitted her first A altogether ("I was afraid that it would be too much for you to handle, I guess", "[insert here all other excuses for lying]").

Now, after DDay#2, when I asked who AP#1 she answered with a split second hesitation.

Also, my WW might be perfect example of the effect that divorce papers have on some WSs.

She says that now all the consequences of her actions became horrifyingly real. That during affair she sometimes thought about effect D would have on the children, but that only now she's feeling it. That now that she feels she lost me she understands that she really loved me all these years. That last 12 months were some kind of crazy journey of self destruction. And so on and etc.

Or all of this might be just BS to keep her little cozy world intact.

Sharkman, there's an option I'm considering that doesn't involve WW cooperation (so - no danger of advance warning). I just want to wait until situation at home stabilizes somewhat - we agree on terms to try R (as I said, I won't do that without guarantees that in case of failure D would be easy (or already done)).

She's offering me anything now. Changing her job, camera in her office, etc, "whatever it takes".

That's good...oh wait

She tried to find anything wrong with it, but really couldn't, except from "what holds you from walking away once D is finalized instead of giving me 6-12 months"

bargaining...negotiating...picking apart your proposal...and essentially asking for a guarantee here. That's not being willing to do "whatever it takes"...it's her trying to drive the ship.

...tread carefully my friend...so far you are getting tears & words. Who's idea was the 6-12 months? Changing jobs? Camera in office?

...tread carefully my friend...so far you are getting tears & words. Who's idea was the 6-12 months? Changing jobs? Camera in office?

Tears and words doesn't matter to me. 6 months was her idea. Changing jobs and camera in the office was kind of her idea (but I mentioned both previously while in false R in context "what people do to help their BSs heal").

DHH

one more thing and then hopefully I'll shut up cuz I and everyone here can see you have a good handle on this.

Simply, Is there remorse? And although I know you know the definition of remorse, I think the question to be answered is: Does she care more about the pain she inflicted on you than she does the loss of her marriage and the pain that would cause you? Does she worry about your well being more than her own. Does she talk about how she wants to help you heal? Has she checked herself into IC proactively or is she waiting for her to tell you to.

Until I saw all this and more, the path would be to continue with the D.

And as you have said, if she wants to try and woo you after the D, then all the same rules of Remorse and hard work apply to try for R.

Well done.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:08 PM, July 24th (Monday)]

Also, my WW might be perfect example of the effect that divorce papers have on some WSs.

DarkHoleHeart

Before divorce papers: Anything I tell my husband may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Therefore tricke truth.

After divorce papers: Nothing to lose now. More truth might improve things.

Good question about remorse. It sounds like she is not remorseful (just regret).

Because I realize that us staying together in healthy relationship would be the best outcome for the kids.

I see you put healthy in bold. It is not healthy now, you gave her many chances to make it healthy, she didn't. She is still trying to manipulate you, still works with AP, still in contact with AP.

My 2 cents....Sybo is on the right track. Do tread carefully. I'm glad you are finding your strength. Those first few days were you doing some things wrong....pretty much like a lot of us did!

Tries to convince me that her behavior over the last year "is not who she is", etc.

Ahhh yes, the ol' that's not who I really am routine.

My XWW has spouted this to me several times, as recently as last month, to which I always want to reply...

It's not who you WANT to be, but it is most certainly who you ARE... I can prove it. Wanna listen to the recordings again?

Instead... nothing. It is who she is. She has to see it, and so do you. Unless she does a boat load of HARD work, it is a stone-cold fact... I have green eyes, she's a lying cheater.