SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What Catwoman said- 100%

Your WH is not a normal father who is capable of thinking in his children's best interests. His idea of their best interest is skewed to the point that he does dangerous things that could cause physical damage to your children. And that doesn't even touch the emotional damage. Your daughters have exhibited fear and anxiety over things he's done. He drugged an asthmatic child and kept her inhaler and justified it. He put them on a flight solo (without the inhaler) and didn't notify you. And then he did it again within a short time frame and enlisted the help of his sister.

Your sister may mean well but this man just isn't capable of thinking ahead to what could happen from the decisions he makes. People who love their children cause them irreparable harm every day. Your daughter could have had an asthma attack on that flight and died without her inhaler. The flight attendant helping your daughters could have gotten distracted and lost them in the airport. There are so many 'what if' scenarios that a normal parent considers that don't even cross his radar. To me, that makes him dangerous. He takes chances like a teenager who thinks nothing bad can happen. And, so far, he's been lucky. And if you're lucky, he always will be. But this is your children. Don't press your luck.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:27 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

I agree with Cat above.

Your sister sounds reasonable because it is reasonable but the kids aren't safe with him emotionally or physically (at times) because of his illness.

It would certainly be easier and cheaper (short term) to drop everything but... Long term you've got to worry about what his behavior is doing to the kids. If/when something did/does happen to them how would you feel about yourself for ignoring it?

Also, you didn't just jump into this with your lawyer. You've both been building a case waiting until the time is right. Do you think your lawyer would take this on if she didn't think you had a decent shot?

One thing I've found in dealing with a diagnosed narcissist is that it is so isolating! People offer advice as if you are dealing with someone who is normal with normal feelings and motivations. The sad part is that you are not. They are not normal and you have to take steps to protect your children and yourself from his special brand of damaged

This is the absolute 100% truth. My DS's biodad was a diagnosed NPD freak. He is not the one who brought me to SI although had SI existed in 1996 I probably would have.

I firmly believe that children deserve both parents. I'm with your sister on that...most of the time. However that is not 100% true. As a young woman w/little resources, I spent a small fortune to keep that NPD freak out of my DS's life. It was worth every damn penny. I have a permanent restraining order against that man for both DS and me. My DS has not seen him since he was 2. Crazy/NPD/Dangerous invalidates the benefit of that parent. It just does.

Do not feel guilty about this. Just don't!

Stay the course.

I think he's about to give up trying. You've called his bluff! He doesn't want OW to know the depths of what he's done and who he is, so he suddenly has a heart attack? OW doesn't know she can't be his beneficiary!!!

He doesn't want the children bad enough to go thru all this and expose who he really is to OW3.

He is a bully, when you hit them squarely in the nose with reality they go home crying.

XWH is like the Wizard of OZ behind the curtain about to be unmasked.

Your sister means well, but she doesn't get it.

You can spend your retirement money now. Or on future issues with your children.

Press on.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:27 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

I do not agree with your sister at all. Is it possible that she is now one of his "flying monkeys?"

Also, I do not for one minute believe this bullshit hospital story. It reeks too much of throwing a grenade over there to distract from what's really going on over here.

I'd like to know what you think about my sister's advice. Anybody out there agree with her? Her words have really gotten into my head and heart.

Your sister is wrong.

It would be okay to compromise and allow joint custody if and when your WH first compromises by no longer being an abusive jackass. Who knows, maybe your WH's sudden brush with his own mortality will give him an epiphany much like the one that Ebenezer Scrooge experienced on Christmas morning...but then again, A Christmas Carol was a work of fiction.

IDE

I have come late to your thread and have great sympathy for your situation.

Regarding your sister's advice, she may be correct in a situation that was normal, but this is not normal.

AND you are actually responding to HIS request for full custody. It's just not going his way.

Do you think he may have reached out to her to cry on her shoulder?

Don't listen to your sister.

I had a similar experience when I was newly married to WH. WH's family was (still is) completely dysfunctional. StepMIL was completely toxic, and at one point WH cut her (and his dad) off. It was the healthiest thing he could have done for himself and for our family.

My mom could not understand it. She would call me and say "but she (stepMIL) is his MOTHER" (no, she wasn't). "But they are FAMILY." My mom meant well, and was probably talking out of her own insecurities - she didn't want to think kids could stop speaking to their parents, and she was raised in a family that stuck together no matter what.

The point is - listening to my mom was the worst thing we could have done. She had no idea what we were dealing with, because her family was not toxic. It would never occur to her that a parent could be as mean and unhealthy as stepMIL.

YOU know what your family needs.

Tell your sister you appreciate her input, but you are doing things your way.

And also remember - you didn't start this.

Oh ((((IDE & DDs))))

Your sister would be right if xWH were any brand of normal, but he's just fucking not.

You have to ignore her. You cannot explain anything to her - if she understood, you would not need to say a word.

As for xWH's health condition - has he been DIAGNOSED with a HEART ATTACK, or is he hospitalized while they look to rule out a heart attack, or is he even in the hospital???

This is so lame. He's gotta fill out a shit-ton of paper (just like you, right?) and have an interview in the next few days and now he suddenly has a 'heart attack'. And - sniff - he may have to die without seeing his children this one last time. Gimme a break

Stay the course, keep your L informed, keep documenting, you know the drill.

I'm so sorry this crap is happening to you.

((((IDE & DDs))))

Your h sent your minor children home on a plane and took the inhaler from one before she got on said plane....Because he might need it.

Any time you question yourself, please read that again And again and again. this is not a father who wants the best for his kids. This isn't even a person I would want to watch my dog. If he unf#cks the donkey, gets his head out of his a$$ and flies straight, down the road you could decide to give him more time. That is a lot of ifs. Until then protect your children.

I totally get why this has rattled you and I would be too if it was my sister saying the same thing. And I'm more then a little annoyed with your sister for not supporting you when presumably she knows the details of what your EX has done.

As others have said, if you were dealing with a bog standard asshole, your sister would be right. But you're not. And you know you're not. You have to grit your teeth and stay the course because you know that it's the best thing for your kids. As scary as it is, sometimes you have to work backwards from the worst case scenario and intervene on behalf of the children with that in mind. Your Ex and the OW have at best, demonstrated poor judgement, and at worst have actively ignored appropriate parental responsibility.

It doesn't mean that your children can't have a relationship with their father. It does mean that you can protect them if/when things go wrong with their dad and it's a massive wake up call for him. He may rise to the occasion and try and do better, or he may not. But either way getting sole custody will be the best thing for your daughters. Stay the course. You're doing the right thing.

Everything Cat said.

Plus, why is he screwing his kids out of their rightful inheritance?

Your sister bluntly doesn't know the situation. She is as much of an outsider to your marriage and what is/was going on there, as any other person that is close to you, but doesn't live in your house to see the crap that occurs there.

If your WH was a "normal" man, I would agree with her. Children need a loving, involved, and caring father. Unfortunately the man that is the biological sperm donor for your children is none of the above. He is a danger to them, and he will throw them under the bus, without thinking and reflexively, any time that they are inconvenient to him. And, being children, they are often inconvenient.

Now is not the time to falter, Mama Bear. Stick to your course.

I agree with brokenhearted - if you win custody, it doesn't mean the girls will never see their father again - but it will mean YOU decide when he's trustworthy enough to take them away on a plane again...

You have a responsibility to keep your children safe, and untreated mental illness is something they should not be subjected to. Stand firm and do what you know is right for your kids. Keep your focus. Your Sister does not know the in depth details you do or had the experience you have had. I get her heart though. You know best. Stay detached from his drama. Rest and take care of yourself.

I'm just adding to the chorus. Notice we are all singing the same song.

Normally it is best for children to grow, develop and mature in a loving 2 parent family, IMO. If there is a marital break-up then having 2 parents invested in good parenting even when not living together. This isn't possible for your children. Your WH has proven this time and again. Continued interaction with him will, IMO, be much more detrimental than never seeing him again. Unfortunately for your children this is the best situation from 2 lousy alternatives. Good parenting will fall on your shoulders.

Stay the course. Praying that all works out for the best for your children with the evaluations.

Hugs, IDE, I wish we could help you with all that paperwork.

The heart attack message is just like all the emergency room stunts my NPD (not my husband) would pull, fake symptoms being taken seriously by health professionals - all to avoid whatever difficult work situation it was at the time. I spent a lot of my time in the hospital with him; even knowing he was crying wolf I couldn't exactly say so ... then (I would now).

I doubt your sister is a fully complicit flying monkey, but the timing of her phone call just as everything is revving up makes me feel like he is upping his tactics. I suppose the only response to her is to tell her you really want her support and leave it at that.

You are very close to the top of the mountain, most of the hardest paths have been climbed already. I like the idea of the GAL, btw. who can deflect Exh's ire from you a little. Perhaps a GAL might help a lot in this last push up the mountain?

Late to the thread, but directed here after asking about gal. As for the normal need for both parents side of this discussion, i have an internal struggle with the same thoughts your sister places in your head.... but like you, i know my ww, i know she is neither normal or safe for my kids. Also, she filed for full custody, so same thing goes. You didnt do this, you are protecting your children.

Should he have the epiphany as mentioned, then like me, youd probably be greatful they have a second stable, loving, unabusive, role model..... but right now they dont, and your job is to protect and lead these kids to a healthy adult lifestyle.

[This message edited by solost17 at 11:59 AM, April 9th (Sunday)]

It instructs the recipients to ensure OW3 is his beneficiary in the case of his death (incidentally, the decree requires that his children be his beneficiaries).

Personally, I think this speaks volumes about him.

As many others have said, stay the course. ((((IDE)))

Hi -- just checking in with an update.

Everything is moving at a break-neck pace. Two weeks ago, I thought the parenting/psychological evaluation would happen sometime over the summer. Not so. Within days of contacting the evaluator, I met with him for six hours (as did xWH) and the evaluator came to my home and met my children three days ago (as he will with xWH this weekend).

I think I'm doing okay. I feel calm and good about the time I've spent with the evaluator. Yet, this process is incredibly invasive and makes me feel very vulnerable. Having someone enter your life to make an assessment about what kind of parent you are -- well, that's a lot to swallow. How does one articulate and demonstrate the indescribable and all-consuming depth of my love for my children? Will this stranger see it? Can he feel it?

At the same time, I know his job is to collect data. He has asked me no less than three times to describe "What things do you do with and for your children?" How can I possibly answer this when I do everything with and for my children. I know he wants a list with tidy bullet points, but that feels impossible. I have never quantified parenthood like this. But don't worry, I produced a list. I get the rules of this exercise, it's just difficult.

xWH continues to be an irrational idiot. He has stopped paying his portion of expenses like childcare and piano lessons (totaling over $1K). He also hasn't called our children even once in the last two weeks. Since I began enforcing limited windows of time during which he can call (attorney's orders), those windows of time come and go without a peep. It's pretty hard to argue that you miss your children when your reaction to having limits placed on your phone calls is to stop calling altogether.

Then, just a few minutes ago, xWH texted me that he has a new address. So, the week before his in-house interview with the evaluator, he moved into a new house.

Tonight I pray to all that's good and holy in the universe that the evaluator will see things for what they are. In the meantime, I'm hoping the evaluator's break-neck pace might get us an earlier trial date. September is too far away.

[This message edited by I_Do_Exist at 11:15 PM, April 21st (Friday)]