SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you so much for your messages . . .

But my celebratory tone lasted only a short while before I began asking the same questions as many of you: What do we do during all of the months in between this hearing and the trial? xWH's behavior is getting more unpredictable every day and NOW he is mad as hell.

The short answer is: Our visitation schedule remains in place until the trial in September. My girls have to continue to spend every other weekend with him, along with extended visitation periods during the summer. This causes me tremendous anxiety, but there is simply nothing I can do. So, it will be an exercise in anxiety management for me.

I got DD8 a Ticktalk wristwatch/phone for Christmas. xWH destroyed it (seriously, smashed it to pieces) during their last weekend visit and said she couldn't bring it to his house anymore. I bought her a new one that she will be wearing to next weekend's visitation. My attorney wrote him a letter that if he destroys it again or removes it from DD8, we'll file a motion.

I got DD12 an iPhone (xWH used to provide her with a cell phone, but he would disable it whenever he was mad at me or her -- so I replaced it and now pay for it myself). xWH blocked me on it during their last weekend visit. My attorney addressed this in the letter as well.

xWH has also begun emailing the court-ordered counselor. He said he "expects her to take immediate steps to get in his EAP network" so the counseling has no cost. It's strange, the way he thinks he can boss people around. These sorts of disrespectful demands are part of what made two of our children's other counselors decide they could not work with our children any longer. (Clarification, I don't think it's disrespectful to ask a counselor if they can join a network, it's disrespectful to demand it and bark orders with timing expectations like she's his employee.) Fortunately, she promptly responded that she is not going to do that. Period. Thank you. Period. So, I think she's going to be just fine standing up to his brand of intimidation.

So...it all continues. Fighting over every little thing. Trying to provide my children with a way to reach EITHER OF US whenever they want/need. Trying to get them in counseling. Sigh.

Good news? DD12 just did an awesome job of presenting an exhibit for National History Day (yesterday) and DD8 just tested at grade level for her reading, after struggling with it for the last two years. We have worked hard on this, so we celebrated big when she finally broke that threshold. And they are both playing piano beautifully as they prepare for spring festival in three weeks. Plus, I just booked a spring break vacation for the three of us to spend a week with our good friends in CA.

Pardon the bragging, but sometimes all I talk about is the awful situation with xWH, and I want the world to know that my girls and I are also carving out a beautiful life for ourselves in the middle of all this mess.

[This message edited by I_Do_Exist at 11:11 AM, March 5th (Sunday)]

Holy smokes!! This guy is INSANE. Was him deliberately trying to cut off communication with you brought up in front of the judge? I'm so sorry. Those poor children, what a cruel man.

Good for you for sharing the good things you and the girls are doing and for continuing to be their MAMA BEAR. Your girls are learning who is their champion.

All of the antics from him will be his undoing. Give him access to the rope and watch him hang himself. You are so good about relying on your attorney which is another form of documentation.

Does he live near you? (Sorry, I forgot that detail.)

I'm sorry you are living through this nightmare.

I don't understand how the weekend visitations are still approved. Hopefully the counselor will be able to offer input. Him destroying a gift from you to your daughter (actually a communication device) is beyond reasonable. How this is acceptable to the authorities is beyond me.

I'm praying you and your daughters can get out of this toxicity in very short order. I pray, also for your daughters safety.

So glad to hear that your daughters are doing quite well - school and piano.

Sending strength.

Do you have a Guardian Ad Litem???

During my relocation case, the ex was pulling all kinds of crap too, but not to that level. There was a lot of bad-mouthing me, poor choices made, assuming he was going to win and telling the kids, even his family was making fun of me in front of our children. He was intimidating me at pick-ups, dictating what was going to happen, etc.

I reported it to the GAL, and SHE contacted him to say it needs to stop immediately. He knew that the judges generally follow the recommendation of the GAL, so he stepped back into line.

If I were you, I'd get as much proof as you can (let the GAL interview the kids about the items he is breaking so she/he can testify), and see if you can get a temporary custody order based on the intimidation that is happening at his house. Get a therapist that is willing to testify.

When a NPD is mad...watch out. He will stop at nothing to make you look bad, bitter, or retaliatory. He will bad mouth you to everyone, and lie through his teeth.

Has he ever been physical or violent?

Sorry to hear that he's still pulling his BS.

Just remember to play the long game - You get full custody of your kids.

That requires dealing with this BS, and giving your XH the rope to hang himself. Just keep documenting at the BS. And be prepared to file an emergency custody hearing if he harms your kids.

Stay strong. You've got this.

cmego -- My attorney hasn't suggested a Guardian ad Litem, and I don't know much about it. But I do know my kids don't have one.

We tried to get a parenting coordinator appointed, but the judge didn't think that would resolve things in our case since xWH is so unreasonable and incapable of communicating with anyone. The judge said that in open court.

He hasn't been violent with me, but he has been violent, usually directed at himself (punching himself, slamming his head into walls, holding knives up to his neck/chest, etc.)

I would see if at this point, given his threats of self-harm, if you could have your attorney file a motion for an emergency hearing. In the same petition, ask for a GAL for your kids (and make sure your attorney knows which GAL is a good one).

If he admits to destruction of property (which it sounds like he does) and thwarting your childrens' ability to have open and frequent communication with you, it may very well be you have a case and can petition for supervised visitation only until the trial. It's worth asking the question.

Cat

I too think his violence (even if at the moment directed "only" towards himself) calls for more urgent actions by your lawyer. Best of luck!

I'm digesting your advice, and I have felt exactly the same way many times.

For what it's worth, my attorney knows everything about our history and I am often on the edge of panic leading into my girls weekends with xWH -- and my attorney knows this well. My attorney has been proactive, caring, and aggressive when necessary, and I truly trust him, and he beliefves xWH's behavior doesn't meet the threshold for an emergency protective order. He has specifically cited that the court's are full of parents who are on meth, and even those sometimes don't meet the threshold, so the fact that xWH beat himself up a few years ago just doesn't make an alarm go off for judges.

My attorney is very strategic and focused on the end game. He predicted our situation would end in a custody battle, so our strategy was set from day one: let xWH create an irrefutable pile of fucked up things he's done and then get full custody in the end.

The obvious issue is that, in the meantime, my children are stuck in this mess too. But motioning for an emergency order diverts energy and movement toward the end game. I don't know...can you feel me bouncing back and forth?

I feel this way every other Friday. I am on the edge of so much anxiety and fear before handing my girls over to him (and OW3) for three days. I think I age five years every other weekend.

[This message edited by I_Do_Exist at 12:33 PM, March 10th (Friday)]

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, and from reading your posts it seems you and your attorney and handling this really well. I guess I just wanted to chime in and see if there's perhaps a bit more room to act now and not damage the long-term goal. But from your last post it seems that you and your lawyer are doing the utmost possible.

Best wishes!

Sounds like your attorney is giving you realistic advice. I think you just have to white-knuckle it until things are settled UNLESS he does something egregious (and he very well could). At that point, you can act and act quickly.

I'm sure your attorney is prepared for that.

Cat

GAL's job is to do a separate and neutral investigation into the best interests of the children. Generally they are attorneys. A GAL is requested by one, or both, of the A's in the case...and then have to agree to hire one. You do have to pay for the GAL. I think mine was about $1500.

The first one we picked, my ex refused because the GAL knew a friend of a friend of a friend. The next one we both agreed on, and I felt like I hit the jackpot. She has a background in social work, and acts as a GAL frequently. I felt an immediate connection to her, although she's never had children. She was business like, but could connect to the kids. I could tell that she could see through bullshit.

She interviewed the kids at their school. She talked to teachers. She talked to therapists. Then she did home visits at each house talking to kids privately, then me privately (and ex too).

My L said that GAL's can go both ways. If you end up with one who might privately side with "father's rights no matter what", they might lean toward recommending that you stay with partial custody and that could damage your case. BUT...and a big but, is that if they lean in your favor...it's almost a slam dunk for you....as what happened in my case.

I listened to her testify in front of our "pre-trial" judge and she stated things like, "EX overstates his relationship with his children." "I can't find a way that EX can maintain 50% custody" "The children clearly state they wish to remain with the mother." "The teachers state they've never met EX" "I recommend they be allowed to relocate" on and on and on. She did hours of interviews. Her position is to state what is best for the children, regardless of what both sides are testifying.

Most courts will follow the recommendation of the GAL as the GAL is the "neutral party" with no emotional or financial tie to the case.

I'd at least discuss with your attorney and see what his advice is on GALs. They can be invaluable in cases where the children also need a voice.

Sometimes the very threat of a GAL scares someone like your exwh. First off the cost, second they dig deep. My exwh got wind this was about to happen and I then promptly got sole custody. Sometimes when a lawyer let's his lawyer know ahead of time that they will be putting in a request for a GAL, you'd be surprised.

IDE you got this. We believe in you. We have your and your DDs' backs.

Thanks for the updates.

You're getting great advice on the legal stuff so I won't speak to that.

Just wanted to say "You're doing a great job!!" I understand the anxiety completely and I would be beside myself if I were you. You'll get through this.

Hello there, SI family. Where do I begin?

Let's start with the good. My girls and I just returned from our Spring Break vacation. It was fantastic. Really. Truly. Fantastic. We got home on Sunday and I was on a high until Tuesday.

On Tuesday, I received the Order from the Court regarding the parenting evaluation in our custody case. Per the Order, I contacted the evaluator, a forensic psychologist, to schedule the initial meetings. I was immediately plunged into an abyss of paperwork that requires both xWH and I to to summarize every detail of our lives, relationship, and children. The evaluator wanted to schedule our first meeting (with both xWH and I) on Monday of next week. My individual interview with the evaluator is on Tuesday of next week. He told me to expect to be there for five hours.

On my way home from work today, after spending three days mentally "under water" trying to complete an exhaustive amount of paperwork for the evaluator and come up with a plan to pay my half of his $7,000 retainer fee, my sister called me. She told me she needs to be brutally honest with me and tell me she thinks I am making a mistake by trying to get full custody. Her main points:

- xWH loves our children, in spite of his mental illness and poor judgment, and he wants to be involved in their lives. That should count for something, she said.

- Isn't there some middle ground in our situation? Some scenario that I could stomach that would save us all the heartache and cost of an aggressive custody trial? It's worth trying, she said.

I hung up utterly deflated. Is she right? I didn't think so, but my belly aches with the possibility that she is. I have no doubt her perspective comes from a place of love. So I need to at least consider her perspective.

And then . . . as I was sitting at my desk just a few minutes after hanging up from my sister's phone call, I received an email from my children's counselor. She was responding to xWH and cc'ed me. I read the email string and deciphered the following:

- Last night at 1 a.m., xWH was admitted to the hospital for a heart attack.

- The email is dramatic and pitiful. It reads like a dying man's last wish. It says he desperately wants to see his children if the unthinkable happens, but he understands if everyone agrees he shouldn't be able to see his children before he dies. It instructs the recipients to ensure OW3 is his beneficiary in the case of his death (incidentally, the decree requires that his children be his beneficiaries). It is JUST. PLAIN. BIZARRE.

So here I sit tonight. So tired. So overwhelmed. And so . . . restless. I just don't know what to do with the emotions and energy I'm feeling right now. My girls are supposed to spend the weekend with xWH beginning tomorrow (Friday) at 3 p.m. It's unbelievable.

And my lungs gasp for air. How can this all be happening?

Aside from just an emotional vent, I do have questions for you all:

I'd like to know what you think about my sister's advice. Anybody out there agree with her? Her words have really gotten into my head and heart.

I don't have any questions about the bizarre medical emergency message. The thought of xWH dying is upsetting; however, I know better (which may sound incredibly cold to some people). But anyone who has dealt with someone like xWH knows that this kind of outrageous self-centered drama is part of their illness and is not grounded in truth or reality.

[This message edited by I_Do_Exist at 10:35 PM, April 6th (Thursday)]

While I also feel that you sister is offering her opinion out of a place of love, I think she's wrong. As a parent we have a responsibility to shield our kids from harm even when that harm comes from the other parent. Advocate for your kids.

As for your ex, drama, drama, drama. Document that the email that you were CC'd on was the first time you heard about his health issues.

Stay the course sister!

Is it possible that your sister has been contacted by your xWH? Bent her sympathetic ear, and even perhaps asked her to be a collateral witness for him in the parenting eval? Just asking.

Your situation seems like a nightmare. I wish for a speedy outcome in your favor. Also, I think he is nuts - and plain unsafe and unfit - and you are correct in fighting.

Hugs to you and your DDs.

Your sister is right. In normal circumstances with normal people, this is correct.

These are not normal circumstances and he is not a normal or mentally healthy person.

One thing I've found in dealing with a diagnosed narcissist is that it is so isolating! People offer advice as if you are dealing with someone who is normal with normal feelings and motivations. The sad part is that you are not. They are not normal and you have to take steps to protect your children and yourself from his special brand of damaged.

Restricting access to his damaged brand of parenting is wise. You don't want your kids growing up to believe this is normal. If he were to get help (unlikely) and take significant steps to be a better person, I'm sure you wouldn't stand in the way of him having more parenting time.

I say carry on. Your sister likely means well, but she has no clue in how to deal with someone who is so emotionally damaged.

Cat